Rudy Giuliani: Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank you for coming out today—9/11!!
Aide 1: Uh-oh, looks like Rudy’s September 11th Tourette syndrome is kicking in.
Aide 2: You mean that’s why he mentions 9/11 so much?
RG: It’s been a long, tough, but ultimately fruitful campaign, and I’d like to thank every single one of you, known and unknown, for all of the hard work put in to make this thing possible—SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH!!
Aide 1: Yeah, why did you think he says those buzz words so much?
Aide 2: I don’t know, I just assumed that he was trying to play on the fears, sympathies, and/or paranoia of the American people in order to sway voters into electing him. I mean, it makes sense, if he paints himself as the strong, brave leader who helped get the Big Apple back on its feet after the terrorist attacks, he could look very appealing.
RG: I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were forced to face this challenge on my own. I am sure of one thing, though. If I began this quest without your help, I would have put so much stress on my family, I’d have to get divorced again.
Aide 1: I’m not sure that I see what you mean.
Aide 2: Think about it. Even though many could argue that Rudy got caught with his pants down on the morning that the 9/11 tragedy took place, he can just manipulate people into thinking that without him, things in New York would never have been the same.
(laughter from the divorce joke subsides)
RG: Yet, in all seriousness, I truly want to thank each and every one of my supporters for their hard work from the bottom of my heart—TWIN TOWERS!!!
Aide 1: What good would that do?
Aide 2: Gee, Bernard, follow along a little bit here. If Giuliani could convince people to think that things would have been all “Cloverfield” up in New York without him, imagine the load of crap he could feed to Americans as a whole.
RG: You all—9/11!!—mean so very—bin Laden!!!!—much to me…
…
TERRORIST!!!
Aide 1: He could illustrate himself as being the perfect candidate!
Aide 2: Exactly! I mean, why offer American citizens real solutions to problems, when you could make up problems that don’t exist? It’s the perfect campaign strategy. He might be a pro-choice Republican, but who cares about that…
Aide 1: Right-wing holy rollers with low-level brain function!!
Aide 2: Let me finish! Who cares about that when you can make up issues that are simply imaginary? Let me spell it out for you. All Rudy would have to do is create some sort of imaginary quandary that seemingly puts America at risk. For instance…
(thinking)
(Fingers snap) I’ve got it! Like, instead of promising Americans that he will exact revenge on Osama bin Laden for his cowardly acts on September 11th—
Aide 1: And you say bin Laden because he is the one responsible?
Aide 2: Duh! Don’t you know anything? Of course bin Laden is responsible. The government said so. And if there’s one thing about government suspects, even if the facts don’t add up, they named the guy, so he is responsible.
Aide 1: I see.
RG: And it brings me great sorrow to have to say the following—WMDS!! IRAQ!! 9/11!!
Aide 2: Now as I was saying, Giuliani could simply say he would exact revenge on bin Laden for 9/11.
Aide 1: Uh-huh.
Aide 2: Then he could, um, maybe make up some story that no one with half a brain would believe. Give me a second here to think… Um… Aha! He could tell Americans that bin Laden and al Qaeda were in cahoots with someone like Saddam Hussein and Iraq!
Aide 1: But how could that work? It’s well documented that Saddam and Osama despise each other. Are we really to believe that they would trust each other enough to lay the ground work for an attack like this?
Aide 2: What in the hell did I say about scare tactics?
Aide 1: Oh!! So it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to be scary?
Aide 2: Now you’re getting it! Anyway, he could bring Saddam into the picture, talk about plans to get bin Laden, slowly but surely raise “Hussein-awareness,” and completely switch the blame over to Saddam.
Aide 1: Do you think Americans would be that gullible? I mean, to the point that they would forget about bin Laden completely?
Aide 2: They would if you brought up another threat.
Aide 1: Now what do you mean?
Aide 2: He could just make sure his media-puppets would align with his plans and then make up some ridiculous claim about Iraq plotting another attack on American soil.
Aide 1: Hee-hee, I like how you said “another.” Like Iraq was actually involved in the first attack.
Aide 2: Isn’t it brilliant?
Aide 1: It is. But I have one question, how could you sell the Americans the notion that Iraq is preparing an attack with absolutely no evidence?
Aide 2: Four magic words: weapons of mass destruction.
Aide 1: Okay, now hold the phone. Americans may be stupid, but surely they aren’t that stupid. Anyone with at least a sixth grade education knows that Iraq wouldn’t have the means to create and then deploy WMDs on American shores. Hell, the most advanced weaponry they have is our stuff from the 1980’s. You know, when Ronald Reagan gave Saddam a bunch of our warheads?
Aide 2: Of course I know, everyone does. Oh, Ronald (sighs). Before we continue to talk about Rudy’s campaign strategy, let’s give a shout-out to the best president ever.
Aides 1 and 2 in unison: ZEIG HEIL!!
Aide 2: Okay, where were we?
Aide 1: We were just talking about selling the idea of WMDs to American citizens.
Aide 2: Right. Now, once the idea of a nuclear holocaust penetrates their brains, it’s as if Americans become clay in Rudy’s hand. From here he can just declare war on Iraq.
Aide 1: Really?
Aide 2: Oh yeah! And those pussy Democrats would have no choice but to vote in favor of the war. Any potential voices of dissent would just be called un-American and anti-troops. If this happened, they would lose any shot of re-election. And if that were to happen, Giuliani would give even more powers to the executive branch through his automaton congress. And he already would have exceeded what the forefathers outlined for him in the constitution, even with those pesky Democrats.
Aide 1: Wow, those damn Democrats would be powerless. It’s amazing what cheap little fear tactics can do to your opponent, especially when they don’t want to stoop to your level.
Aide 2: You’ve got that straight. Now, as far as Iraq goes, here is where the plan becomes ingenious. We go over with an air-strike first, blow some shit up, and show the rest of world how tough we are.
Aide 1: Damn right! We’d really “Git-R-Done!”
Aide 2: Ha, you’re so witty and insightful!
Aide 1: Thanks, but I can’t take credit, I owe that little one-liner to the comedic genius of Larry the Cable Guy.
Aide 2: Masterful, isn’t he?
Aide 1: And how. Now what about the ground strike?
Aide 2: This is where it gets beautiful. We go in and lay the smackdown on Baghdad, and I guarantee you that for the first few months, things will move swimmingly.
Aide 1: And after that?
Aide 2: Well, once we can’t use brute force anymore things get a little chippy. I mean, tactical combat isn’t exactly our forte these days.
Aide 1: True.
Aide 2: But Rudy could even use that to his advantage. Quick sidenote: what resource is Iraq known for around the world?
Aide 1: Taxi drivers?
Aide 2: No, but good guess, though. What I’m referring to is oil.
Aide 1: Oooooh.
Aide 2: All Rudy has to do is get our troops stuck in a quagmire, hire some old buddies to take care of the oil situation, and laugh all the way to the bank.
Aide 1: Surely Americans would be smarter than to let him do this. I mean now you’re just treating our citizens like they are mentally retarded.
Aide 2: Well…
Aide 1: Okay, hypothetically, say this works and we can actually trick Americans into thinking that occupying Iraq is a good idea, what’s the next step?
Aide 2: To make sure the idea can still be sold to Americans, Rudy can just trick the people into thinking that he isn’t deploying our soldiers only to have them run around with their thumbs up their butt thanks to poor leadership, but rather, he can tell Americans that the Iraqis are not smart enough to take control of the military campaign and start their own democracy.
Aide 1: You mean he can actually play on the preconceived stereotype most Americans have about Middle-Easterners not being as intelligent or as capable as us?
Aide 2: You bet your ass he can.
Aide 1: Even so, surely Americans could only take one or two years of innocent soldiers being killed in a war for oil.
Aide 2: Not necessarily, all Giuliani would have to do is talk about patriotism, democracy, and what Jesus wants. Oh, and of course…
Aide 1: Of course what?!
Aide 2: Okay, well, get this…sorry, I can’t stop from laughing, but…he could actually tell Americans that if we don’t stay over in Iraq, destroying their country for no reason, they would come over here and attack us…(air quotations) again. Hee-hee, isn’t it brilliant? They never attacked us! They had no links to the people who (air quotations) attacked us! But he already would have brainwashed Americans into the thinking that the enemy was in Iraq!
Aide 1: I get it! And if we don’t stay over in Iraq, there will be another…9/11!! So that’s why he said it so much!!!
Aide 2: Yep, I think you’ve got it.
Aide 1: Yeah, but how long can this little plan last? Do you think Americans would ever make us shut down this oil-field goldmine?
Aide 2: Only if they vote a Democrat.
Aide 1: Ecch, don’t say that, it makes my skin crawl…and to think, that tramp Hillary is running! There better not be another Clinton in the White House! Sheesh…Bill Clinton, what a joke.
Aide 2: I know. I mean, who cares about a booming economy and loads of new jobs? The man got a blow job in the oval office!! Not only should he have been impeached, he should have been forced to resign!
Aide 1: I’ve got a quick question, though. Is this little “Iraq Plan” impeachment-worthy?
Aide 2: You’d think so, but not if you have enough friends…and especially not if you’ve scared enough Americans.
RG: So, I’d like to officially close by once again thanking you all for your support. However, as I said, I am officially taking myself out of consideration for the Republican nomination. Go McCain!
Aide 1 and 2 in unison: What!!
Aide 1: What the hell happened to your plan?! I thought it was fool-proof!
Aide 2: It is, but could someone possibly already have done it?
(Unwittingly, both are standing in front of a backdrop of President Bush)
Aide 1: Maybe, I mean, I did get this weird sense of déjà vu while we were talking.
Aide 2: Yeah, I got that, too.
Aide 1: Well, shit, I guess this means our internships are done. What are you going to do?
Aide 2: Probably go back and finish getting my degree* at Bob Jones University. You?
Aide 1: I’m going to try and see if I can get my managing job back at Bass Pro Shops.
Aide 2: Sounds good.
Aide 1: Hopefully we can keep in touch.
Aide 2: We’ve always got the Republican convention to go to this summer, will I see you there?
Aide 1: It’s a date!
Aide 2: Don’t say “date,” you know that God hates fags.**
Aide 1: You’re right, how stupid of me. Sorry, Jesus!
RG: Good night folks, I love you!!—9/11!!!!
*Bob Jones University is not an accredited university. I swear.
**Would you actually believe that there is a website called http://www.godhatesfags.com/? And would you also believe that the people who run the site purport to be good, Christian people? Well, you’d better, because it’s true.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!
While wasting a small portion of my life surfing the internet in hopes of finding even a tidbit of interesting Super Bowl information, I stumbled across something that exceeded my hopes. While perusing Fox Sports’ website, I came across an article that described a NE Patriots victory over the NY Giants in a computer simulation (1,000 games played, with the Patriots winning by an average score of 30-16). The simulation was conducted by whatifsports.com, and upon further investigation, the site is a dream come true. Not only can you simulate Super Bowl pairings, but you can create matchups between any two teams from any year (this includes not just the NFL, but five other major sports as well).
This got me thinking, which two teams would I want to settle a score more than anything in the world? How about one of the 1990’s dynasty teams of the Dallas Cowboys against the most productive iteration the current crop of Indianapolis Colts. I decided on the 1992 Cowboys (they of the first title run) playing on the road (the computer takes home-field advantage into account as well) against the 2006 Colts. After all, I’ve had many a fight with obnoxious Indy fans about such a potential matchup, so this could be a great way to end the debate.
Before we kick things off (tee hee, no pun intended), I will run down some of the criteria that gets used in determining the outcome of each game. I will then simulate ten games, post the results, and then average the results into one final score. Simply put, “What If? Sports” crunches numbers on every conceivable stat for both teams, takes a look at tendencies of all sorts (not just “will they run or pass in this situation” type scenarios, but also how teams handle late-game pressure and things of that nature), potential weather conditions, and home-field advantage (if you don’t select a neutral site). Obviously things are a tad more complex, but this will give you an idea of what is taken into account when simulating these matchups.
Now, onto the main event. So without further ado, I give you the 1992 Dallas Cowboys at the 2006 Indianapolis Colts:
Game 1
Dallas 38
Indianapolis 20
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 204 yards and one touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 18-23, 214 yds, 3TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 18-25, 269 yds, 2TD, INT
Game 2
Dalls 28
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (21 carries for 121 yards and one touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 14-22, 158 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: 24-33, 261 yds, TD
Game 3
Dallas 40
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 243 yards and two touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 17-23, 213 yds, 2TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 20-34, 222, TD, INT
Game 4
Dallas 38
Indianapolis 6
Player of the Game:
Troy Aikman (19-26, 305 yds, 4TD, INT)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: (above)
Peyton Manning: 20-32, 241 yds
Game 5
Dallas 26
Indianapolis 18
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 160 yards and a touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 16-28, 160 yds, 2TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 19-29, 222, TD
Game 6
Dallas 44
Indianapolis 21
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (27 carries for 316 yards and four touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-19, 154 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: 19-35, 299 yds, TD
Game 7
Dallas 37
Indianapolis 15
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (24 carries for 229 yards and a touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-21, 139 yds, 2TD
Peyton Manning: 19-34, 250 yds, TD, 2INT
Game 8
Dallas 49
Indianapolis 35
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 237 yards for two touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 14-19, 163 yds, 3TD
Peyton Manning: 27-37, 334 yds, TD, INT
Game 9
Dallas 41
Indianapolis 17
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 222 yards)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 12-18, 196 yds, 3TD
Peyton Manning: 18-31, 260 yds, 2TD
Game 10
Dallas 22
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (28 carries for 176 yards)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-25, 142 yds, TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 20-31, 207 yds, TD
Wow. This worked out better than I could have hoped. Let’s take a glance at the final stats:
Overall Record:
Dallas: 10-0
Indianapolis: 0-10
Players of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (9), Troy Aikman (1)
Average Score:
Dallas 36.3
Indianapolis 18
I would gloat a little bit if it were not for the fact that I expected this result. However, I will say this: “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!”
Now, for funsies, lets simulate a couple of more games:
First up, the 2007 Patriots against the 2006 Colts at the RCA Dome:
New England 35
Indianapolis 30
Player of the Game:
Peyton Manning (29-39, 406 yds, 2TD)
Quarterback Play:
Tom Brady: 15-23, 185 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: (above)
Hmm, not exactly as resounding as I had hoped. Oh well, a win’s a win. Now, on to the next matchup:
2007 New England Patriots at the 1972 Miami Dolphins
Oh yes, there will be blood.
New England 34
Miami 3
Player of the Game:
Tom Brady (19-26, 216 yds, 4TD)
Quarterback Play:
Tom Brady: (above)
Earl Morrall: 7-17, 46 yds, 3INT
Bob Griese: 4-12, 23 yds, INT
So, Mercury, where’s your bride at?
(And that was not a jab at the New York Giants, so to counter-act that last comment, I am knocking on wood to prevent a jynx.)
This got me thinking, which two teams would I want to settle a score more than anything in the world? How about one of the 1990’s dynasty teams of the Dallas Cowboys against the most productive iteration the current crop of Indianapolis Colts. I decided on the 1992 Cowboys (they of the first title run) playing on the road (the computer takes home-field advantage into account as well) against the 2006 Colts. After all, I’ve had many a fight with obnoxious Indy fans about such a potential matchup, so this could be a great way to end the debate.
Before we kick things off (tee hee, no pun intended), I will run down some of the criteria that gets used in determining the outcome of each game. I will then simulate ten games, post the results, and then average the results into one final score. Simply put, “What If? Sports” crunches numbers on every conceivable stat for both teams, takes a look at tendencies of all sorts (not just “will they run or pass in this situation” type scenarios, but also how teams handle late-game pressure and things of that nature), potential weather conditions, and home-field advantage (if you don’t select a neutral site). Obviously things are a tad more complex, but this will give you an idea of what is taken into account when simulating these matchups.
Now, onto the main event. So without further ado, I give you the 1992 Dallas Cowboys at the 2006 Indianapolis Colts:
Game 1
Dallas 38
Indianapolis 20
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 204 yards and one touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 18-23, 214 yds, 3TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 18-25, 269 yds, 2TD, INT
Game 2
Dalls 28
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (21 carries for 121 yards and one touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 14-22, 158 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: 24-33, 261 yds, TD
Game 3
Dallas 40
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 243 yards and two touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 17-23, 213 yds, 2TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 20-34, 222, TD, INT
Game 4
Dallas 38
Indianapolis 6
Player of the Game:
Troy Aikman (19-26, 305 yds, 4TD, INT)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: (above)
Peyton Manning: 20-32, 241 yds
Game 5
Dallas 26
Indianapolis 18
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 160 yards and a touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 16-28, 160 yds, 2TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 19-29, 222, TD
Game 6
Dallas 44
Indianapolis 21
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (27 carries for 316 yards and four touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-19, 154 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: 19-35, 299 yds, TD
Game 7
Dallas 37
Indianapolis 15
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (24 carries for 229 yards and a touchdown)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-21, 139 yds, 2TD
Peyton Manning: 19-34, 250 yds, TD, 2INT
Game 8
Dallas 49
Indianapolis 35
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 237 yards for two touchdowns)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 14-19, 163 yds, 3TD
Peyton Manning: 27-37, 334 yds, TD, INT
Game 9
Dallas 41
Indianapolis 17
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (22 carries for 222 yards)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 12-18, 196 yds, 3TD
Peyton Manning: 18-31, 260 yds, 2TD
Game 10
Dallas 22
Indianapolis 16
Player of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (28 carries for 176 yards)
Quarterback Play:
Troy Aikman: 11-25, 142 yds, TD, INT
Peyton Manning: 20-31, 207 yds, TD
Wow. This worked out better than I could have hoped. Let’s take a glance at the final stats:
Overall Record:
Dallas: 10-0
Indianapolis: 0-10
Players of the Game:
Emmitt Smith (9), Troy Aikman (1)
Average Score:
Dallas 36.3
Indianapolis 18
I would gloat a little bit if it were not for the fact that I expected this result. However, I will say this: “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!”
Now, for funsies, lets simulate a couple of more games:
First up, the 2007 Patriots against the 2006 Colts at the RCA Dome:
New England 35
Indianapolis 30
Player of the Game:
Peyton Manning (29-39, 406 yds, 2TD)
Quarterback Play:
Tom Brady: 15-23, 185 yds, TD
Peyton Manning: (above)
Hmm, not exactly as resounding as I had hoped. Oh well, a win’s a win. Now, on to the next matchup:
2007 New England Patriots at the 1972 Miami Dolphins
Oh yes, there will be blood.
New England 34
Miami 3
Player of the Game:
Tom Brady (19-26, 216 yds, 4TD)
Quarterback Play:
Tom Brady: (above)
Earl Morrall: 7-17, 46 yds, 3INT
Bob Griese: 4-12, 23 yds, INT
So, Mercury, where’s your bride at?
(And that was not a jab at the New York Giants, so to counter-act that last comment, I am knocking on wood to prevent a jynx.)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Homosexual Monkeys!! (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That)
While in my own personal fortress of solitude (the shitter), I experienced an epiphany. Surely everyone is familiar with the classic children's story "Curious George." But are these folks aware that the seemingly innocent tale, a tale that is often the last thing on a child's mind before he or she falls asleep, actually promotes the acceptance of homosexual bestiality (yes, that's how it is spelled)? I'm betting not. And without someone like me taking the time to ponder the vast intricacies that make up "Curious George," this never would have come to light.
What exactly am I talking about? Let me just do a run down of the evidence that I have gathered to make this case. It is as follows:
--Monkeys are notorious for their love of bananas. You can find proof of this fact by simply watching any cartoon that depicts this animal.
--Bananas are yellow...and phallic.
--The tips of bananas are often brown, perhaps much like the tip of a 'you-know-what' after its been in (and out of, and in, and out of...) a 'you-know-where?'
--Curious George was originally entitled "Bi-Curious George." I stumbled across this little-known fact after my magic kitty cat gave me the proper documentation.
--The ranger (or whatever he is supposed to be) who attends to Curious George is dressed in a yellow hat, yellow outfit, and brown boots (long and yellow, with a brown tip--sound familiar?). If he is supposed to resemble a banana, are we then led to believe that Curious George likes to "eat" this man?
--The yellow outfit might signal the ranger's desire to fully satisfy his monkey lover. Tsk, tsk, tsk...don't let your self-esteem get so low, ranger. If he doesn't love you for who you are, clothing that appeals to his carnal needs are going to change him.
There you have it. An airtight case that proves Curious George is curious about one thing: how long the ranger can go on in the sack. Sure, you might say "no David, it just teaches children to be inquisitive, but in a safe way." My answer: yeah, like that makes any sense.
What exactly am I talking about? Let me just do a run down of the evidence that I have gathered to make this case. It is as follows:
--Monkeys are notorious for their love of bananas. You can find proof of this fact by simply watching any cartoon that depicts this animal.
--Bananas are yellow...and phallic.
--The tips of bananas are often brown, perhaps much like the tip of a 'you-know-what' after its been in (and out of, and in, and out of...) a 'you-know-where?'
--Curious George was originally entitled "Bi-Curious George." I stumbled across this little-known fact after my magic kitty cat gave me the proper documentation.
--The ranger (or whatever he is supposed to be) who attends to Curious George is dressed in a yellow hat, yellow outfit, and brown boots (long and yellow, with a brown tip--sound familiar?). If he is supposed to resemble a banana, are we then led to believe that Curious George likes to "eat" this man?
--The yellow outfit might signal the ranger's desire to fully satisfy his monkey lover. Tsk, tsk, tsk...don't let your self-esteem get so low, ranger. If he doesn't love you for who you are, clothing that appeals to his carnal needs are going to change him.
There you have it. An airtight case that proves Curious George is curious about one thing: how long the ranger can go on in the sack. Sure, you might say "no David, it just teaches children to be inquisitive, but in a safe way." My answer: yeah, like that makes any sense.
David Does Australia
(Chill out, it’s not what you think, perv.)
Thanks a lot, Roger Federer. I don’t care if you are the classiest, most professional professional (redundant? Maybe, or maybe not…just think about it for a second. Trippy, huh?) athlete on the entire planet, what happened the other night was absolutely unacceptable. Admittedly, I am a night owl, but I had to stay up until 3:30 a.m. in order to begin watching your match against uber-dick head, Novak Djokovic. Essentially, I stayed up until daybreak for the second night in a row (see: “Rafael Nadal: Portrait of an Ass-Taster) hoping to see you lay a tennis smackdown…again. But lo and behold, what did I see? You getting severely outplayed, that is what.
I do not watch a lot of tennis, but this was the first time I had ever seen a match of yours in which you were not the aggressor. You looked timid and Djokovic was able to take advantage of this. But don’t worry, I’m not mad. I realize that you just had an off day. I mean, only a moron would think that this is an ominous sign of things to come. So, with that being said, I look forward to you kicking ass and taking names later this year at Wimbledon and the U.S. Open. Hell, while you are at it, why don’t you just go ahead and surprise everyone at the French as well.
Aussie Observations:
--I went into this match knowing only that Novak Djokovic was an underdog who had actually had some past success against Federer. Roughly 47 seconds into the telecast, he officially joined my “Shit List.” The list, of course, is made up of sports personalities who just plain irk me, for some reason or another.
--Why exactly did Djokovic make the list? Three reasons:
1) An apparently well-known (in tennis circles, at least) sound-byte exists of Djokovic essentially calling Roger Federer a cheater. Novak’s claim is that Roger fakes or exaggerates injuries to deceive his opponent, only to play at 100 percent during the match. To the Surly Serb (see below for explanation), this constitutes cheating. To me, this constitutes having a strategic mind.
2) His nickname is Nole (which is more infuriating than Rafa). How did he go about earning this pet name? I have no idea. Will this stop me from writing some baseless speculation? Of course not. My guess is that ol’ “Nole” was trying to sing a certain, classic Christmas carol, only to screw up in a fit of embarrassing dyslexia. As a result, Novak became Nole. (I really hope that this joke was as easy to pick up as I think it was.) (Oh, and if you are looking at this paragraph trying to find an explanation for “Surly Serb,” I just decided by myself that this would be Djokovic’s nickname from here on it. Think about it, he is an asshole from Serbia, ergo, he is the Surly Serb.)
3) He as an annoying Sergio Garcia-esque tick. Much like the Spanish golfer likes to waddle his hips multiple times prior to swinging the golf club, the Surly Serb (I’m making this thing stick, dammit) bounces the ball…so…many…times. How much of a problem is the bouncing? Djokovic was warned by an official to speed up his pre-serve routine (a warning he failed to heed, by the way).
--The pre-match intro featured a camera pan across all of the tennis fans who decided that the best way to watch the television broadcast of the match was to sit in lawn chairs just outside of the building. One particular group who jumped out at me during the crowd scan: a crew of about a dozen Asian Roger Federer fans holding up a sign that read “Federer Express,” all the while chanting its simple message. Why did this pop out at me? Well, stereotypically speaking, Asians have trouble pronouncing their L’s, usually resulting in an “R” sound. Why is this noteworthy? Because, in a world that cared nothing about political correctness, these enthusiastic tennis fans would have potentially created a memorable advertisement for Federal Express.
--In tonight’s (or I guess, this morning’s) Men’s Final, I like Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to capture his first grand slam title over Novak Djokovic. My reasoning? I like Tsonga and I do not like Djokovic. Could it be any more black and white than that? I think not.
Thanks a lot, Roger Federer. I don’t care if you are the classiest, most professional professional (redundant? Maybe, or maybe not…just think about it for a second. Trippy, huh?) athlete on the entire planet, what happened the other night was absolutely unacceptable. Admittedly, I am a night owl, but I had to stay up until 3:30 a.m. in order to begin watching your match against uber-dick head, Novak Djokovic. Essentially, I stayed up until daybreak for the second night in a row (see: “Rafael Nadal: Portrait of an Ass-Taster) hoping to see you lay a tennis smackdown…again. But lo and behold, what did I see? You getting severely outplayed, that is what.
I do not watch a lot of tennis, but this was the first time I had ever seen a match of yours in which you were not the aggressor. You looked timid and Djokovic was able to take advantage of this. But don’t worry, I’m not mad. I realize that you just had an off day. I mean, only a moron would think that this is an ominous sign of things to come. So, with that being said, I look forward to you kicking ass and taking names later this year at Wimbledon and the U.S. Open. Hell, while you are at it, why don’t you just go ahead and surprise everyone at the French as well.
Aussie Observations:
--I went into this match knowing only that Novak Djokovic was an underdog who had actually had some past success against Federer. Roughly 47 seconds into the telecast, he officially joined my “Shit List.” The list, of course, is made up of sports personalities who just plain irk me, for some reason or another.
--Why exactly did Djokovic make the list? Three reasons:
1) An apparently well-known (in tennis circles, at least) sound-byte exists of Djokovic essentially calling Roger Federer a cheater. Novak’s claim is that Roger fakes or exaggerates injuries to deceive his opponent, only to play at 100 percent during the match. To the Surly Serb (see below for explanation), this constitutes cheating. To me, this constitutes having a strategic mind.
2) His nickname is Nole (which is more infuriating than Rafa). How did he go about earning this pet name? I have no idea. Will this stop me from writing some baseless speculation? Of course not. My guess is that ol’ “Nole” was trying to sing a certain, classic Christmas carol, only to screw up in a fit of embarrassing dyslexia. As a result, Novak became Nole. (I really hope that this joke was as easy to pick up as I think it was.) (Oh, and if you are looking at this paragraph trying to find an explanation for “Surly Serb,” I just decided by myself that this would be Djokovic’s nickname from here on it. Think about it, he is an asshole from Serbia, ergo, he is the Surly Serb.)
3) He as an annoying Sergio Garcia-esque tick. Much like the Spanish golfer likes to waddle his hips multiple times prior to swinging the golf club, the Surly Serb (I’m making this thing stick, dammit) bounces the ball…so…many…times. How much of a problem is the bouncing? Djokovic was warned by an official to speed up his pre-serve routine (a warning he failed to heed, by the way).
--The pre-match intro featured a camera pan across all of the tennis fans who decided that the best way to watch the television broadcast of the match was to sit in lawn chairs just outside of the building. One particular group who jumped out at me during the crowd scan: a crew of about a dozen Asian Roger Federer fans holding up a sign that read “Federer Express,” all the while chanting its simple message. Why did this pop out at me? Well, stereotypically speaking, Asians have trouble pronouncing their L’s, usually resulting in an “R” sound. Why is this noteworthy? Because, in a world that cared nothing about political correctness, these enthusiastic tennis fans would have potentially created a memorable advertisement for Federal Express.
--In tonight’s (or I guess, this morning’s) Men’s Final, I like Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to capture his first grand slam title over Novak Djokovic. My reasoning? I like Tsonga and I do not like Djokovic. Could it be any more black and white than that? I think not.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Rafael Nadal: Portrait of an Ass-Taster
I officially screwed up my sleep schedule over the next day or two (thank God for the weekend, I guess) thanks to a scentiliating tennis match that did not end until about six in the morning. Of course, I am talking about the Australian Open Semi-Final between Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Rafael Nadal. For those who are unaware, Tsonga pulled a San Diego Chargers on Nadal (who in this play, takes the part of the Colts), preventing the desired Federer (who still has a tough match himself against Novak Djokovic, a man who has taken Federer down more than once, albeit in non-Grand Slam tournaments) v. Nadal match-up.
I for one could not have been happier to see Rafael lose. Hence the reason that I stayed up until daybreak to see him go up in flames. I mean, am I the only one who jumps to irrational conclusions based on how annoying I think a person looks? Take Igor Olshansky, for instance, not only did his ignorant comments about the Patriots piss me off a tad, but those damn beady eyes, the Jeremy Shockey haircut, the tattoos, and the whiny voice made him seem like an absolute taint. And I had never even seen him outside of a football game prior to the incident(s).
Rafael Nadal has this effect on me as well. I'm not the biggest tennis fan in the world, but I enjoy playing it and watching Grand Slam matches from the quarter-finals on. And even when I do watch, tennis is the sole sport where I prefer watching women compete over men (oh, Maria...and she plays Ana Ivanovic in the Final? Schwing!!). But I'm a big Roger Federer fan (humble, kind, and classy...you know, the kind of attributes LT pretends that he has), and he happens to be Nadal's chief rival, so that's probably part of the reason I don't like him. In fact, maybe a list would be the best way to express my disdain for this particular Spaniard:
1. Long hair on a man who isn't a hippy is unacceptable (unless, y'know, you're Jesus...although He has some hippy-esque aspects to him--and I honestly mean that in a very good way). Until Nadal violates a drug screening by testing positive for marijuana, he is not allowed to have those locks.
2. He specializes in clay; you know who else specialized in clay? Hitler. Okay, so I can't verify that, but Hitler was an artist, so for the sake of this argument, I'm gonna assumed he molded clay.
3. Evidently Nadal is not a big fan of sleeves...I am.
4. Evidently Nadal is not a big fan of men's shorts and/or pants...I am.
5. He spells his name R-A-F-A-E-L. Watch some fucking Ninja Turtles and learn how to spell your own name, pal.
6. He's trying to make the extra-large headband his thing. That's Axl Rose's thing, dammit!
7. His attitude leads me to think that he is the Spanish Andy Roddick. Did I mention that Andy Roddick is a twat?
8. He refers to himself by his nickname--Rafa. One, that is a terrible nickname (hi, I'm Dav, and this is my friend Nath) and two, you don't refer to yourself by your nickname (do you see me walking around introducing myself as "World's Greatest Lover?" Of course not. It's assumed).
9. His favorite pastime is playing PSP...YOU GOTTA DS THAT SHIT UP, SON!
10. He worships Satan.
Okay, so I made the last one up. So sue me. What? You mean he can sue me for libel? Eh, if it comes up, I'll just say Satan is South Americans Teaching At-Risk Ninos. He'd sue me for that? Does he not want to help the under-privileged ninos?! What the hell is wrong with him? Now I've got an eleventh reason not to like him.
11. He hates poor children.
I love the internet.
There you have it. I now have eleven VERY logical reasons to dislike Nadal. You won't hear anyone calling me irrational now. As for the remaining Aussie Open matches, I like Federer against both Djokovic and Tsonga, and I'll take Maria over Ana Ivanovic in the battle for my penis--I mean affection. I'll sign out for now...enjoy seeing the Heat make it fifteen in a row versus the Spurs.
I for one could not have been happier to see Rafael lose. Hence the reason that I stayed up until daybreak to see him go up in flames. I mean, am I the only one who jumps to irrational conclusions based on how annoying I think a person looks? Take Igor Olshansky, for instance, not only did his ignorant comments about the Patriots piss me off a tad, but those damn beady eyes, the Jeremy Shockey haircut, the tattoos, and the whiny voice made him seem like an absolute taint. And I had never even seen him outside of a football game prior to the incident(s).
Rafael Nadal has this effect on me as well. I'm not the biggest tennis fan in the world, but I enjoy playing it and watching Grand Slam matches from the quarter-finals on. And even when I do watch, tennis is the sole sport where I prefer watching women compete over men (oh, Maria...and she plays Ana Ivanovic in the Final? Schwing!!). But I'm a big Roger Federer fan (humble, kind, and classy...you know, the kind of attributes LT pretends that he has), and he happens to be Nadal's chief rival, so that's probably part of the reason I don't like him. In fact, maybe a list would be the best way to express my disdain for this particular Spaniard:
1. Long hair on a man who isn't a hippy is unacceptable (unless, y'know, you're Jesus...although He has some hippy-esque aspects to him--and I honestly mean that in a very good way). Until Nadal violates a drug screening by testing positive for marijuana, he is not allowed to have those locks.
2. He specializes in clay; you know who else specialized in clay? Hitler. Okay, so I can't verify that, but Hitler was an artist, so for the sake of this argument, I'm gonna assumed he molded clay.
3. Evidently Nadal is not a big fan of sleeves...I am.
4. Evidently Nadal is not a big fan of men's shorts and/or pants...I am.
5. He spells his name R-A-F-A-E-L. Watch some fucking Ninja Turtles and learn how to spell your own name, pal.
6. He's trying to make the extra-large headband his thing. That's Axl Rose's thing, dammit!
7. His attitude leads me to think that he is the Spanish Andy Roddick. Did I mention that Andy Roddick is a twat?
8. He refers to himself by his nickname--Rafa. One, that is a terrible nickname (hi, I'm Dav, and this is my friend Nath) and two, you don't refer to yourself by your nickname (do you see me walking around introducing myself as "World's Greatest Lover?" Of course not. It's assumed).
9. His favorite pastime is playing PSP...YOU GOTTA DS THAT SHIT UP, SON!
10. He worships Satan.
Okay, so I made the last one up. So sue me. What? You mean he can sue me for libel? Eh, if it comes up, I'll just say Satan is South Americans Teaching At-Risk Ninos. He'd sue me for that? Does he not want to help the under-privileged ninos?! What the hell is wrong with him? Now I've got an eleventh reason not to like him.
11. He hates poor children.
I love the internet.
There you have it. I now have eleven VERY logical reasons to dislike Nadal. You won't hear anyone calling me irrational now. As for the remaining Aussie Open matches, I like Federer against both Djokovic and Tsonga, and I'll take Maria over Ana Ivanovic in the battle for my penis--I mean affection. I'll sign out for now...enjoy seeing the Heat make it fifteen in a row versus the Spurs.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It's Jim Rome, Ladies and Gentlemen
What's up, I'm Jim Rome. Welcome to a special online edition of Rome is Burning. My producers back at the Worldwide Leader were trying to come up with a way to bring arrogant douchebaggery to a larger audience, so naturally, I said 'Internet.' Damn, I'm awesome. I've been way out of the loop lately as far as bringing my unmatchable knowledge to my millions of fans, so let's get this thing rolling. Here is what I've been burning on over the past few weeks:
The Indianapolis Colts
Wow, I mean seriously, did you guys not get the memo? All of this playoff choking was supposed to be behind you. Don't you remember? Sucking hard against New England in the AFC title game, only to bait them into letting you run away with the victory? Wasn't this monkey off of your back? Especially after you beat Sexy Rexy and the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Defensive-Players in one of the worst Super Bowls in recent memory (thank you for providing an even worse game 2000-01 Ravens/Giants). I guess not. No wait, I'm Jim Motherfucking Rome, I know not. Because you boys absolutely laid an egg against a severely depleted Chargers bunch. And you were even spotted seven points thanks to a ridiculous phantom holding call that robbed the Bolts a 95-plus yard pick six. And I realize the Chargers defensive unit has had your number for quite some time, but come on, did you honestly let Billy Volek and Norv Turner out-clutch and out-class you? I mean, Bob Kravitz said it best, you guys are the Atlanta Braves of the National Football League. You tear it up in the regular season only to fizzle out when it matters most. And speaking of your Jekyll/Hyde routine each year come January, I'm gonna switch gears and burn on someone else:
Merril Hoge
I know he is my colleague (you know, now that I'm a full-time ESPN man...thanks to having my ass canned by FOX), but what a tool, and believe me, I know a tool as well as anyone. Let's take hairstyle for example: I rock the slicked back gel look, and I know this is the universal sign for "Dick-Stain," but get a load of Merril Hoge. The mofo is working the flat-top. I guess this would be the universal sign for "Unintelligent Twat." My apologies to Howie Long (which brings me to a very interesting question: does Merril Hoge jerk off to A) Long B) 1980's Arsenio Hall C) Peyton Manning or D) Bill Cowher...my answer? It's a trick, he likes to mix it up).
Maybe I'm being a little to stereotypical with the hair, after all, I like Arsenio. But seriously, Hoge is to smart football analysis as Jamie Lynn Spears is to properly practicing birth control. Let's take a situation from earlier in the regular season when it came time for Hoge's NFL power rankings. Heading into the Colts/Pats showdown, Hoge declared Indy as the league's best team. Foolish in hindsight, but semi-respectable at the time. After New England wins, do they take over the top spot? Of course not, because that would be the logical thing to do. Instead, assface elects to put the Steelers atop the list. Based on what, you may ask? A hunch. I call bull shit.
But this egregious offense is not why I'm burning on Hoge. No, the real reason derives itself from an interview taint breath gave to an Indy radio station just before the playoffs. As you know, New England had just completed the first 16-0 season in NFL history, but when asked to pick a Super Bowl winner, Hoge goes with the Colts. Again, this is a respectable decision. But he proceeds to say that the Colts string of five seasons with at least twelve victories is more impressive than 16-0 and a potential 19-0 season. I'm angry. I wish there was a small child that I could verbally harass to make me feel better. Instead I'll just go on a rant that will make you think I'm an even bigger asshole than you thought: Jeez, Merril, where did you pull this idea out of? That big, gaping, cock-contoured rectum of your's? It wouldn't be quite as stupid if the Patriots didn't actually have more regular season victories in this time span...but they do. Why don't you go join Mercury Morris and "wait on his bride?" (Speaking of which, was there a more bizarre soundbyte than that? And I loved how the WWL cashed in on this crazy piece by using him for Patriots analysis...that's objective journalism. If only I hadn't gotten fired by FOX...but I digress. And I would burn Morris if there was a worthwhile paragraph to write about him. But there is not. Trust me. Seriously, I asked his family and even they agree that their father and husband is a raving crazy person who deserves no public recognition.)
Perhaps Merril Hoge is just sick of the Patriots, as much of their success has come at the expense of his old team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Or maybe he is jealous that he wasn't involved in a Super Bowl victory, and he therefore has to live vicariously through his beloved Steelers and/or Colts in order to take down the Pats. Who knows? What I do know (and I know, I don't think, because I'm Jim Rome, and I don't need proof or evidence to back up what I say) is that there are many a sensual night spent at the Hoge compound thinking about Peyton, Big Ben, Coach Cowher, and Coach Dungy. Which conveniently leads me to my next burn: everybody's favorite coach.
Tony Dungy
I'd like to preface my next rant (screw that, I'm the Jim Rome...my next sermon) with the disclaimer that I do believe Tony Dungy is a very good person. It's just that I think he is a better person than he is a coach and he gets a free pass because of it. I mean, look at his tenure in Tampa Bay, obviously he is a good coach, because he turned them into contenders. But it took him getting the boot to bring in Jon Gruden before his fellas were able to claim a title. Maybe it was bad luck and the team would have won it anyway. Or maybe the Bucs needed a coach who could handle the pressure of big games.
And boy did it ever appear Dungy couldn't handle the big 'uns. Seemingly every year in his tenure with the Colts ended in heartbreak. And lest we forget that his team took such an ass beating at the hands of the Pats in the first half last year that it ultimately led to their victory. Maybe he finally figured out his big game strategy "lull the opponent into a false sense of security." Or maybe he finally got lucky, because it isn't like Indy is short on talent. But in another big game this year, Dungy's Colts failed to rise to the occasion, weakly defending their Super Bowl title by losing at home to the Chargers.
Maybe, just maybe, Dungy hosed his team from the outset...keep in mind, reports of this being the "Dungy Farewell Tour" this post-season came out a few days before the game. Like this wouldn't be on the minds of every single one of his players? Of course, great teams rally around their coach in a situation like this and give it their best performance. The Colts, well, you saw it. But do you blame Tony Dungy? Being the most awesome person in these great states, I can say with certainty, yes, hell yes, you most definitely do. Why? Because the man had his kids transfer to a Tampa school system for the second semester. Like that cat won't find its way out of the bag. Some dipshit at the school is bound to publicly say "hey, if he is gonna live in Florida when he retires, and the season's almost over, and he moved his family back to Florida, isn't he gonna retire?" Oh wait, the dipshit did...one of Dungy's son's football coach.
And don't give me any man-cow feces about Dungy's family being more comfortable in Tampa. Since when is transfering schools, in the middle of the year, mind you, a stress-free task. It's not as if his boys have the Jim Rome Aura in which you can snap your fingers and have complete strangers punch themselves in the face and make unknown, attractive feministas bend over and assume the position. If they did, this would be a different story. But alas, I'm going to assume (wait...declare) that this was not the easiest transition in the world. But he is Tony Dungy, so he gets a pass for the distraction and the enormous choke-job.
Of course, we follow up the Colts' season with the now familiar routine of "I'm gonna meet with my family and we are going to caucus and hopefully come up with a satisfactory decision regarding my future with this organization." Seriously, did I ask Mrs. Rome for permission to join ESPN after I was given a pink slop by the FOX folks. Hell-to-the-hell-to-the-hell-to-the NO! Of course, I don't have a Mrs. Rome (she would cut down considerably on my poon quotient). But believe me, I would have just ran home and said "papa goin' to ESPN!" And that would have been that. But Dungy is a family man (or, as Jim Rome refers to it: pussy), so he sought their counsel, leading to a week of "will he or won't he" discussion in the Circle City.
The anticipation reached a climax this past Monday as Dungy scheduled a press conference to enlighten us all with his decision. I was getting ready for a night on the town (no doubt soliciting sex from a lady of the night), but I noticed ESPNews program alert for said press conference--45 minutes. I decided to wait it out (partly because I was hoping to hear The Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go" as Dungy's intro music). I'm at a fever pitch of anticipation and with five minutes until the big D comes on, I decide to switch to the NFL Network to kill time during a commercial break. What do I see? A headline: "Sources Say Dungy Will Stay." How anti-climactic! I could have gotten my hair halfway ready for my night on the town with all the time spent watching an empty podium.
Frustrated, I returned to the WWL to see if the sources were wrong (they weren't) and stayed long enough to see Dungy explain how this whole "perpetual one-year extensions...if I want 'em" thing works out...particularly for the highly sought after Jim Caldwell. He must be a loyal SOB, because I could picture Dungy doing this dance for a couple more seasons, perhaps forcing Caldwell to inherit a "just a tad far removed from title contention" team on the decline. Needless to say, this would be a no-go if Jim Rome were the Colts' assistant head coach.
Now it’s time for Alone with Rome, and today my guest is the Phoenix Suns whirling dervish, Leandro Barbosa and his “such-a-good-friend-it’s-borderline-homosexual-especially-given-the-age-difference-because-one-is-the-young-confused-foreigner-and-the-other-is-the-gentle-mature-old-assistant-coach” Dan D’Antoni.
JR: How goes it, gentlemen?
LB: It goin’ bera, bera good. Basketball been bera, bera good to me.
DD: I’m just as happy as can be, how ‘bout y’all?
JR: I’m good, I’m good. So, let’s kick this baby off, you guys have been on a roll this year, as you once again have stormed out of the gates in the regular season. Have you been sticking to the same formula as usual, or are you mixing it up since you lost Kurt Thomas, pretty much the only guy who seems to be able to guard the now-legitimate Andrew Bynum?
LB: This season been bera, bera good to me so far.
JR: Nice, what say you, Danny boy?
DD: Aw shucks, I don’t know if we really changed anything from last year. I mean, we’ve still got that core of three all-stars and four or five studs who would start on any other team, so we’re just hoping we can use the same blueprint as we’ve had in the past.
JR: Which is?
DD: Run-‘n’-gun, Jimmy.
JR: Any chance that it holds up in the playoffs this year?
DD: As long as that yella coward Donaghy ain’t reffin’ no games, he-he-he.
JR: So you maintain that you should’ve won the title last year?
DD: In a word: yes I do.
JR: That’s three words. Does it not make any difference to you that historically, offense-first teams flame out in the playoffs? Especially when you put that and the fact that San Antonio has always had your number in big-time games?
DD: (silence)
JR: Lee-baby? C’mon, hit me with something.
LB: Tim Donagby, no been bera, bera good.
JR: I guess you all could be upset with one thing about the officiating scandal.
DD: And what’s that, sonny boy?
JR: If Donaghy happened to be black, you could parlay that into a couple of more rigged MVPs for Steve Nash…y’know, since the NBA would have to revert to the post-brawl tactics to appeal to the mostly white fanbase.
DD: Hey, hey, hey you slanderous sumbitch…Steve Nash earned those awards. Who cares if he is a liability on defense and that he nullifies over half of his assists with turnovers, he is the heart and soul of this team.
JR: Kind of like he was in Dallas, a team who finally made it to the Finals without Nash in the lineup.
LB: Steve Nash been bera, bera good to me.
JR: All right, let’s move on. I don’t want the coal-miner’s daughter to flake out on me. Leandro, I heard you had quite the prank pulled on you last week. Care to elaborate?
LB: I be asleep in my hotel room and the phone rings. It is an unknown caller who tell me to come to Steve Kerr’s room…I was traded to the New York Knicks.
DD: He came to my room crying his eyes out…we held each other for about two hours.
JR: Obviously it was just a joke, but did you learn anything from it?
LB: You bet…when Mr. Kerr tell you to swallow, you had better swall…
DD: No, no, no, Lee. The thing we told you to say.
LB: Oh, I so sorry. It was to never check into a hotel without an alias.
JR: Creepy stuff, folks. Almost as creepy as the dreadlocks on the trainer for the Denver Nuggets.
DD: And how.
JR: (shoots a cold stare to DD) I’m wrapping it up, never talk when I’m bringing my sexy to the camera. (turns back to camera with a smirk) Well, that’s gonna do it for Alone with Rome, any last words boys?
LB: This interview was bera, bera good to me.
DD: I think that sums it up for the both of us.
JR: All right, my people. We’re gonna take quick break, but sit still, because I’ll be joined in the forum by patronizing asshole, Doug Gottlieb and loose cannon, Dana Jacobsen.
***
Hi, I’m Don Shula, former coach of the ’72 Dolphins, and I want to tell you something that I believe in. No, not that the New England Patriots are dirty cheaters—which they are—instead, I’m gonna talk to you about Nutri-System. This revolutionary dieting technique allowed me to lose thirty pounds from my physical physique, yet amazingly helped me put countless more on to my morbidly obese ego. Now, I no longer labor to do routine tasks like walking to get the mail and climbing a flight of stairs, just ask my wife:
Hi, I’m Mary Ann Shula, and I’ve benefited from Nutri-System in two ways. Not only have I lost some unwanted weight from my frame, but I also get to experience sex from the bottom again, now the Don’s weight loss has helped him gain more stamina in the bedr—
That’s enough Mary Ann. Okay sports fans, you know what to do. Get off your asses, pick up the phone, and order yourself some Nutri-System, you will thank me later…and apparently so will your slam hound. I mean significant other.
…
Go Giants!!
***
Welcome back, all. I’d like to send a big hello to my two forum guests, Doug Gottlieb and Dana Jacobsen. How are the two of you doing?
DG: I haven’t felt this good since I was playing basketball at Oklahoma State for the great Eddie Sutton.
JR: Dana?
DJ: (sips from a flask) Fuck Notre Dame!
JR: Okay, on that note, let’s move on to the discussion. As you all know by now, the New England Patriots set all sorts of individual and team records en route to a perfect 16-0 regular season. Many argue that without a Super Bowl title, all of this regular season success will all be for nothing. Thoughts?
DJ: Fuck the Patriots!
JR: Dougie boy?
DG: Well Jim, one of the things Eddie Sutton told me when I was his point guard at OSU was that every single regular season game matters. I think this rings true for the NFL as well.
JR: How does that answer the question?
DG: (smirks) I think it’s pretty obvious, Jim.
JR: Watch your tone, mofo. I’m Jim Fucking Rome. If an answer is not obvious to Jim Rome, then it isn’t obvious. So you mind elaborating on the point a tad more? You know, before you head back to Game Night with Freddie Sibel. Jesus, how do you wake up in the morning knowing that aside from ESPN 2 college basketball coverage, you work the graveyard shift for a radio station?
DJ: (hiccups) Fuck ESPN 2!
JR: First Take airs on ESPN 2…
DJ: (mulls this over, then shrugs and takes another sip from her flask) Fuck ESPN…one?!
JR: Step off, bitch. I burn shit on ESPN 1.
DJ: Oh yeah? (sips from flask again) Fuck ESPN 1, fuck Rome is Burning, and fuck Jim Rome! You can stick your tiny little cock in my—
(Technical Difficulties: Please stand By)
(straightening his tie)
JR: Sorry for the disturbance folks, I guess it’s just you and me Gottlieb.
DG: Well, as I was saying before Ms. Jacobson rudely interrupted me, Coach Sutton said every regular season game matters. I think if this is true in the NFL, then the regular season record should matter—perfection stands regardless of the outcome of the Super Bowl.
JR: I respect that.
DG: And remember, the best teams don’t always win the titles, luck is a factor. You know, back at OSU Coach—
JR: Sutton! We know, we know, another valuable life lesson from Eddie Sutton.
DG: Are you saying I’m predictable?
JR: Pretty much, yeah. You wanna mix things up, though? Why don’t you mention something about Eddie Sutton going all Dana Jacobson on us while driving on an Oklahoma highway.
DG: I’ve blocked that out of my mind. Coach Sutton is an honorable man, regardless of any little traffic ticket.
JR: He was driving while intoxicated.
DG: Eh, same difference.
JR: (glaring at Gottlieb for about thirty seconds, abruptly shifts his focus to the camera) Well, that’s all the time we have in the forum today, I’ll be back after this commercial break for my final burns.
***
Stuart Scott:
What’s up, players? Coming up on Sportscenter we’ll examine the wide open Western Conference playoff race in the NFL, predict the amount of time it took Tom Brady to enter Gisele’s townhouse, take off his protective boot, throw a couple touchdowns in the bedroom? Y’know what I’m saying? My boy went bunny-badooka on his lady friend’s va-jay-jay…boo yeah! Oh…what? We’re taping this live? I thought we were just shooting a promo for later. When did we ever do live promos? Does that make sense to you? What? We’re still on? (nervous/depressed) In addition, we, uh, will have a look at the NBA midseason awards, an update on the Santana trade talks, and some new info about Sydney Crosby’s ankle.
(Na-na-na, na-na-na)
***
Welcome back and now its time for my final burns.
Look, I understand that we are supposed to root for the aw-shucks, Frankenstein-looking, cousin-loving quarterback Peyton Manning against the All-American, golden boy Tom Brady, but I want to shut some critics up. Many want to question the single season touchdown record’s validity due in part to the fact that Manning got his in half of a game less than Brady. These people can go service a throbbing pork sword. It would be one thing if Brady played in the Gillette Dome, but he doesn’t. He has to brave the elements—have you ever experienced a New England winter? I have, thanks to the Worldwide Leader refusing to move the headquarter from Bristol motherfucking Connecticut—to throw his touchdowns. Sorry Peyton, Tom never had the luxury of turning up the thermostat when the weather became inclement—and inclement weather did play a factor…I still want to know whose cock Eric Mangini had to suck to be able to play in a blizzard in order to stymie a hall of fame ass beating. If Brady could have played in a dome over half the time, he might have put up sixty TDs. Golden Boy’s 50 trumps the In-Bread’s 49 any day of the week. Speaking of in-bread quarterbacks, my next burn will send a shout-out to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
I’m talking, of course, about Brett Favre. I have only one phrase to say: “he blew it!” Yes folks, your precious gunslinger cost you a trip to the Super Bowl. Not only did he play with a thumb up his ass, the interception he tossed up in overtime would have nullified even a perfect performance. It was that big. It was so huge that even Peter King is still in shock. To prevent his brain from shutting down, he has completely blocked Favre’s poor play out of his mind—amazing how the human body protects itself, isn’t it? Hence, his MMQB column on SI.com failed to even mention Favre’s poor performance. He also let LT off the hook, too, which brings me to my final burn: Mr. Tomlinson.
Look, I’m not going to say much, only that you have been up Philip River’s ass all year long whenever things have failed to go your way, yet he gets surgery to play to get surgery. You sulked on the sidelines…for the second week in a row. That’s what I call a franchise player. All I can think is that Rivers and Antonio Gates must both be thinking the same thing: “fucking pussy.”
Well, that is all for me, folks. I’d like to thank my forum guests Doug Gottlieb and the lovely Dana Jacobson. I will see you all at the same time tomorrow. Until then, I am out.
The Indianapolis Colts
Wow, I mean seriously, did you guys not get the memo? All of this playoff choking was supposed to be behind you. Don't you remember? Sucking hard against New England in the AFC title game, only to bait them into letting you run away with the victory? Wasn't this monkey off of your back? Especially after you beat Sexy Rexy and the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Defensive-Players in one of the worst Super Bowls in recent memory (thank you for providing an even worse game 2000-01 Ravens/Giants). I guess not. No wait, I'm Jim Motherfucking Rome, I know not. Because you boys absolutely laid an egg against a severely depleted Chargers bunch. And you were even spotted seven points thanks to a ridiculous phantom holding call that robbed the Bolts a 95-plus yard pick six. And I realize the Chargers defensive unit has had your number for quite some time, but come on, did you honestly let Billy Volek and Norv Turner out-clutch and out-class you? I mean, Bob Kravitz said it best, you guys are the Atlanta Braves of the National Football League. You tear it up in the regular season only to fizzle out when it matters most. And speaking of your Jekyll/Hyde routine each year come January, I'm gonna switch gears and burn on someone else:
Merril Hoge
I know he is my colleague (you know, now that I'm a full-time ESPN man...thanks to having my ass canned by FOX), but what a tool, and believe me, I know a tool as well as anyone. Let's take hairstyle for example: I rock the slicked back gel look, and I know this is the universal sign for "Dick-Stain," but get a load of Merril Hoge. The mofo is working the flat-top. I guess this would be the universal sign for "Unintelligent Twat." My apologies to Howie Long (which brings me to a very interesting question: does Merril Hoge jerk off to A) Long B) 1980's Arsenio Hall C) Peyton Manning or D) Bill Cowher...my answer? It's a trick, he likes to mix it up).
Maybe I'm being a little to stereotypical with the hair, after all, I like Arsenio. But seriously, Hoge is to smart football analysis as Jamie Lynn Spears is to properly practicing birth control. Let's take a situation from earlier in the regular season when it came time for Hoge's NFL power rankings. Heading into the Colts/Pats showdown, Hoge declared Indy as the league's best team. Foolish in hindsight, but semi-respectable at the time. After New England wins, do they take over the top spot? Of course not, because that would be the logical thing to do. Instead, assface elects to put the Steelers atop the list. Based on what, you may ask? A hunch. I call bull shit.
But this egregious offense is not why I'm burning on Hoge. No, the real reason derives itself from an interview taint breath gave to an Indy radio station just before the playoffs. As you know, New England had just completed the first 16-0 season in NFL history, but when asked to pick a Super Bowl winner, Hoge goes with the Colts. Again, this is a respectable decision. But he proceeds to say that the Colts string of five seasons with at least twelve victories is more impressive than 16-0 and a potential 19-0 season. I'm angry. I wish there was a small child that I could verbally harass to make me feel better. Instead I'll just go on a rant that will make you think I'm an even bigger asshole than you thought: Jeez, Merril, where did you pull this idea out of? That big, gaping, cock-contoured rectum of your's? It wouldn't be quite as stupid if the Patriots didn't actually have more regular season victories in this time span...but they do. Why don't you go join Mercury Morris and "wait on his bride?" (Speaking of which, was there a more bizarre soundbyte than that? And I loved how the WWL cashed in on this crazy piece by using him for Patriots analysis...that's objective journalism. If only I hadn't gotten fired by FOX...but I digress. And I would burn Morris if there was a worthwhile paragraph to write about him. But there is not. Trust me. Seriously, I asked his family and even they agree that their father and husband is a raving crazy person who deserves no public recognition.)
Perhaps Merril Hoge is just sick of the Patriots, as much of their success has come at the expense of his old team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Or maybe he is jealous that he wasn't involved in a Super Bowl victory, and he therefore has to live vicariously through his beloved Steelers and/or Colts in order to take down the Pats. Who knows? What I do know (and I know, I don't think, because I'm Jim Rome, and I don't need proof or evidence to back up what I say) is that there are many a sensual night spent at the Hoge compound thinking about Peyton, Big Ben, Coach Cowher, and Coach Dungy. Which conveniently leads me to my next burn: everybody's favorite coach.
Tony Dungy
I'd like to preface my next rant (screw that, I'm the Jim Rome...my next sermon) with the disclaimer that I do believe Tony Dungy is a very good person. It's just that I think he is a better person than he is a coach and he gets a free pass because of it. I mean, look at his tenure in Tampa Bay, obviously he is a good coach, because he turned them into contenders. But it took him getting the boot to bring in Jon Gruden before his fellas were able to claim a title. Maybe it was bad luck and the team would have won it anyway. Or maybe the Bucs needed a coach who could handle the pressure of big games.
And boy did it ever appear Dungy couldn't handle the big 'uns. Seemingly every year in his tenure with the Colts ended in heartbreak. And lest we forget that his team took such an ass beating at the hands of the Pats in the first half last year that it ultimately led to their victory. Maybe he finally figured out his big game strategy "lull the opponent into a false sense of security." Or maybe he finally got lucky, because it isn't like Indy is short on talent. But in another big game this year, Dungy's Colts failed to rise to the occasion, weakly defending their Super Bowl title by losing at home to the Chargers.
Maybe, just maybe, Dungy hosed his team from the outset...keep in mind, reports of this being the "Dungy Farewell Tour" this post-season came out a few days before the game. Like this wouldn't be on the minds of every single one of his players? Of course, great teams rally around their coach in a situation like this and give it their best performance. The Colts, well, you saw it. But do you blame Tony Dungy? Being the most awesome person in these great states, I can say with certainty, yes, hell yes, you most definitely do. Why? Because the man had his kids transfer to a Tampa school system for the second semester. Like that cat won't find its way out of the bag. Some dipshit at the school is bound to publicly say "hey, if he is gonna live in Florida when he retires, and the season's almost over, and he moved his family back to Florida, isn't he gonna retire?" Oh wait, the dipshit did...one of Dungy's son's football coach.
And don't give me any man-cow feces about Dungy's family being more comfortable in Tampa. Since when is transfering schools, in the middle of the year, mind you, a stress-free task. It's not as if his boys have the Jim Rome Aura in which you can snap your fingers and have complete strangers punch themselves in the face and make unknown, attractive feministas bend over and assume the position. If they did, this would be a different story. But alas, I'm going to assume (wait...declare) that this was not the easiest transition in the world. But he is Tony Dungy, so he gets a pass for the distraction and the enormous choke-job.
Of course, we follow up the Colts' season with the now familiar routine of "I'm gonna meet with my family and we are going to caucus and hopefully come up with a satisfactory decision regarding my future with this organization." Seriously, did I ask Mrs. Rome for permission to join ESPN after I was given a pink slop by the FOX folks. Hell-to-the-hell-to-the-hell-to-the NO! Of course, I don't have a Mrs. Rome (she would cut down considerably on my poon quotient). But believe me, I would have just ran home and said "papa goin' to ESPN!" And that would have been that. But Dungy is a family man (or, as Jim Rome refers to it: pussy), so he sought their counsel, leading to a week of "will he or won't he" discussion in the Circle City.
The anticipation reached a climax this past Monday as Dungy scheduled a press conference to enlighten us all with his decision. I was getting ready for a night on the town (no doubt soliciting sex from a lady of the night), but I noticed ESPNews program alert for said press conference--45 minutes. I decided to wait it out (partly because I was hoping to hear The Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go" as Dungy's intro music). I'm at a fever pitch of anticipation and with five minutes until the big D comes on, I decide to switch to the NFL Network to kill time during a commercial break. What do I see? A headline: "Sources Say Dungy Will Stay." How anti-climactic! I could have gotten my hair halfway ready for my night on the town with all the time spent watching an empty podium.
Frustrated, I returned to the WWL to see if the sources were wrong (they weren't) and stayed long enough to see Dungy explain how this whole "perpetual one-year extensions...if I want 'em" thing works out...particularly for the highly sought after Jim Caldwell. He must be a loyal SOB, because I could picture Dungy doing this dance for a couple more seasons, perhaps forcing Caldwell to inherit a "just a tad far removed from title contention" team on the decline. Needless to say, this would be a no-go if Jim Rome were the Colts' assistant head coach.
Now it’s time for Alone with Rome, and today my guest is the Phoenix Suns whirling dervish, Leandro Barbosa and his “such-a-good-friend-it’s-borderline-homosexual-especially-given-the-age-difference-because-one-is-the-young-confused-foreigner-and-the-other-is-the-gentle-mature-old-assistant-coach” Dan D’Antoni.
JR: How goes it, gentlemen?
LB: It goin’ bera, bera good. Basketball been bera, bera good to me.
DD: I’m just as happy as can be, how ‘bout y’all?
JR: I’m good, I’m good. So, let’s kick this baby off, you guys have been on a roll this year, as you once again have stormed out of the gates in the regular season. Have you been sticking to the same formula as usual, or are you mixing it up since you lost Kurt Thomas, pretty much the only guy who seems to be able to guard the now-legitimate Andrew Bynum?
LB: This season been bera, bera good to me so far.
JR: Nice, what say you, Danny boy?
DD: Aw shucks, I don’t know if we really changed anything from last year. I mean, we’ve still got that core of three all-stars and four or five studs who would start on any other team, so we’re just hoping we can use the same blueprint as we’ve had in the past.
JR: Which is?
DD: Run-‘n’-gun, Jimmy.
JR: Any chance that it holds up in the playoffs this year?
DD: As long as that yella coward Donaghy ain’t reffin’ no games, he-he-he.
JR: So you maintain that you should’ve won the title last year?
DD: In a word: yes I do.
JR: That’s three words. Does it not make any difference to you that historically, offense-first teams flame out in the playoffs? Especially when you put that and the fact that San Antonio has always had your number in big-time games?
DD: (silence)
JR: Lee-baby? C’mon, hit me with something.
LB: Tim Donagby, no been bera, bera good.
JR: I guess you all could be upset with one thing about the officiating scandal.
DD: And what’s that, sonny boy?
JR: If Donaghy happened to be black, you could parlay that into a couple of more rigged MVPs for Steve Nash…y’know, since the NBA would have to revert to the post-brawl tactics to appeal to the mostly white fanbase.
DD: Hey, hey, hey you slanderous sumbitch…Steve Nash earned those awards. Who cares if he is a liability on defense and that he nullifies over half of his assists with turnovers, he is the heart and soul of this team.
JR: Kind of like he was in Dallas, a team who finally made it to the Finals without Nash in the lineup.
LB: Steve Nash been bera, bera good to me.
JR: All right, let’s move on. I don’t want the coal-miner’s daughter to flake out on me. Leandro, I heard you had quite the prank pulled on you last week. Care to elaborate?
LB: I be asleep in my hotel room and the phone rings. It is an unknown caller who tell me to come to Steve Kerr’s room…I was traded to the New York Knicks.
DD: He came to my room crying his eyes out…we held each other for about two hours.
JR: Obviously it was just a joke, but did you learn anything from it?
LB: You bet…when Mr. Kerr tell you to swallow, you had better swall…
DD: No, no, no, Lee. The thing we told you to say.
LB: Oh, I so sorry. It was to never check into a hotel without an alias.
JR: Creepy stuff, folks. Almost as creepy as the dreadlocks on the trainer for the Denver Nuggets.
DD: And how.
JR: (shoots a cold stare to DD) I’m wrapping it up, never talk when I’m bringing my sexy to the camera. (turns back to camera with a smirk) Well, that’s gonna do it for Alone with Rome, any last words boys?
LB: This interview was bera, bera good to me.
DD: I think that sums it up for the both of us.
JR: All right, my people. We’re gonna take quick break, but sit still, because I’ll be joined in the forum by patronizing asshole, Doug Gottlieb and loose cannon, Dana Jacobsen.
***
Hi, I’m Don Shula, former coach of the ’72 Dolphins, and I want to tell you something that I believe in. No, not that the New England Patriots are dirty cheaters—which they are—instead, I’m gonna talk to you about Nutri-System. This revolutionary dieting technique allowed me to lose thirty pounds from my physical physique, yet amazingly helped me put countless more on to my morbidly obese ego. Now, I no longer labor to do routine tasks like walking to get the mail and climbing a flight of stairs, just ask my wife:
Hi, I’m Mary Ann Shula, and I’ve benefited from Nutri-System in two ways. Not only have I lost some unwanted weight from my frame, but I also get to experience sex from the bottom again, now the Don’s weight loss has helped him gain more stamina in the bedr—
That’s enough Mary Ann. Okay sports fans, you know what to do. Get off your asses, pick up the phone, and order yourself some Nutri-System, you will thank me later…and apparently so will your slam hound. I mean significant other.
…
Go Giants!!
***
Welcome back, all. I’d like to send a big hello to my two forum guests, Doug Gottlieb and Dana Jacobsen. How are the two of you doing?
DG: I haven’t felt this good since I was playing basketball at Oklahoma State for the great Eddie Sutton.
JR: Dana?
DJ: (sips from a flask) Fuck Notre Dame!
JR: Okay, on that note, let’s move on to the discussion. As you all know by now, the New England Patriots set all sorts of individual and team records en route to a perfect 16-0 regular season. Many argue that without a Super Bowl title, all of this regular season success will all be for nothing. Thoughts?
DJ: Fuck the Patriots!
JR: Dougie boy?
DG: Well Jim, one of the things Eddie Sutton told me when I was his point guard at OSU was that every single regular season game matters. I think this rings true for the NFL as well.
JR: How does that answer the question?
DG: (smirks) I think it’s pretty obvious, Jim.
JR: Watch your tone, mofo. I’m Jim Fucking Rome. If an answer is not obvious to Jim Rome, then it isn’t obvious. So you mind elaborating on the point a tad more? You know, before you head back to Game Night with Freddie Sibel. Jesus, how do you wake up in the morning knowing that aside from ESPN 2 college basketball coverage, you work the graveyard shift for a radio station?
DJ: (hiccups) Fuck ESPN 2!
JR: First Take airs on ESPN 2…
DJ: (mulls this over, then shrugs and takes another sip from her flask) Fuck ESPN…one?!
JR: Step off, bitch. I burn shit on ESPN 1.
DJ: Oh yeah? (sips from flask again) Fuck ESPN 1, fuck Rome is Burning, and fuck Jim Rome! You can stick your tiny little cock in my—
(Technical Difficulties: Please stand By)
(straightening his tie)
JR: Sorry for the disturbance folks, I guess it’s just you and me Gottlieb.
DG: Well, as I was saying before Ms. Jacobson rudely interrupted me, Coach Sutton said every regular season game matters. I think if this is true in the NFL, then the regular season record should matter—perfection stands regardless of the outcome of the Super Bowl.
JR: I respect that.
DG: And remember, the best teams don’t always win the titles, luck is a factor. You know, back at OSU Coach—
JR: Sutton! We know, we know, another valuable life lesson from Eddie Sutton.
DG: Are you saying I’m predictable?
JR: Pretty much, yeah. You wanna mix things up, though? Why don’t you mention something about Eddie Sutton going all Dana Jacobson on us while driving on an Oklahoma highway.
DG: I’ve blocked that out of my mind. Coach Sutton is an honorable man, regardless of any little traffic ticket.
JR: He was driving while intoxicated.
DG: Eh, same difference.
JR: (glaring at Gottlieb for about thirty seconds, abruptly shifts his focus to the camera) Well, that’s all the time we have in the forum today, I’ll be back after this commercial break for my final burns.
***
Stuart Scott:
What’s up, players? Coming up on Sportscenter we’ll examine the wide open Western Conference playoff race in the NFL, predict the amount of time it took Tom Brady to enter Gisele’s townhouse, take off his protective boot, throw a couple touchdowns in the bedroom? Y’know what I’m saying? My boy went bunny-badooka on his lady friend’s va-jay-jay…boo yeah! Oh…what? We’re taping this live? I thought we were just shooting a promo for later. When did we ever do live promos? Does that make sense to you? What? We’re still on? (nervous/depressed) In addition, we, uh, will have a look at the NBA midseason awards, an update on the Santana trade talks, and some new info about Sydney Crosby’s ankle.
(Na-na-na, na-na-na)
***
Welcome back and now its time for my final burns.
Look, I understand that we are supposed to root for the aw-shucks, Frankenstein-looking, cousin-loving quarterback Peyton Manning against the All-American, golden boy Tom Brady, but I want to shut some critics up. Many want to question the single season touchdown record’s validity due in part to the fact that Manning got his in half of a game less than Brady. These people can go service a throbbing pork sword. It would be one thing if Brady played in the Gillette Dome, but he doesn’t. He has to brave the elements—have you ever experienced a New England winter? I have, thanks to the Worldwide Leader refusing to move the headquarter from Bristol motherfucking Connecticut—to throw his touchdowns. Sorry Peyton, Tom never had the luxury of turning up the thermostat when the weather became inclement—and inclement weather did play a factor…I still want to know whose cock Eric Mangini had to suck to be able to play in a blizzard in order to stymie a hall of fame ass beating. If Brady could have played in a dome over half the time, he might have put up sixty TDs. Golden Boy’s 50 trumps the In-Bread’s 49 any day of the week. Speaking of in-bread quarterbacks, my next burn will send a shout-out to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
I’m talking, of course, about Brett Favre. I have only one phrase to say: “he blew it!” Yes folks, your precious gunslinger cost you a trip to the Super Bowl. Not only did he play with a thumb up his ass, the interception he tossed up in overtime would have nullified even a perfect performance. It was that big. It was so huge that even Peter King is still in shock. To prevent his brain from shutting down, he has completely blocked Favre’s poor play out of his mind—amazing how the human body protects itself, isn’t it? Hence, his MMQB column on SI.com failed to even mention Favre’s poor performance. He also let LT off the hook, too, which brings me to my final burn: Mr. Tomlinson.
Look, I’m not going to say much, only that you have been up Philip River’s ass all year long whenever things have failed to go your way, yet he gets surgery to play to get surgery. You sulked on the sidelines…for the second week in a row. That’s what I call a franchise player. All I can think is that Rivers and Antonio Gates must both be thinking the same thing: “fucking pussy.”
Well, that is all for me, folks. I’d like to thank my forum guests Doug Gottlieb and the lovely Dana Jacobson. I will see you all at the same time tomorrow. Until then, I am out.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Archival Explanation
As you probably noticed, all of the old columns from prosportsblog.freewebs.com have been imported to the new site. The pro: now there will only be seven posts on the page at one time with all others neatly filed into a links section on the sidebar. The con: I couldn't archive the prior posts in their appropriate place. Therefore, all posts from the past couple months will be catalogued under January 2008. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Ravens/Pats, Lakers/Nuggets, Other Thoughts
Whew!
That is all that I can say after last night’s controversial football game involving the New England Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. What exactly happened? Well, long story short, Tommy Brady once again marched his troops down the field for yet another game-winning drive. But if you are either a Ravens player, a blind supporter, or a pro-Colts/anti-Pats fan, it appeared to you that there was more to it: conspiracy. Don’t get me wrong, I love conspiracy theories (did JFK get killed the way the Warren Commission says he did? Well, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston “hell to the hell to the hell to the no!” Was 9/11 an inside job or, best case scenario, a terrorist plot that was sniffed out yet still allowed to play out? Probably. Did Michael Jordan get secretly suspended for 18 months by the NBA for his gambling issues? I wouldn’t bet against it). But the lies that those in favor of the Ravens have tried to perpetuate are just plain ridiculous. To start, let me set the stage for you:
Through three quarters, the Ravens absolutely put it to the Patriots—hard. They got pressure on Tom Brady, completely shut down Wes Welker, kept Randy Moss (and by proxy, the big-time plays) in check, and did not allow New England to set up their running game. For the second straight week, a would-be benchwarmer has been very effective against the Patriots defense. More importantly, the Patriots were destroyed by Willis McGahee; time and again, McGahee was able to bust through the hole for big yardage and first downs (in fact, he had the most rushing yards NE has allowed by a back since…Willis McGahee in 2005**). Now, if you read this description without knowing how the game actually turned out, who do you think would be the winner? You’d win a lot of money if you said New England. That’s right. Despite everything going against them on this night (and I am not referring to officiating), the New England Patriots somehow found a way to win and keep their quest for perfection alive for at least one more week.
But this leads us back to the controversy at hand. Did the officials, and by the same token, the NFL want the Patriots to win last night? Lots of people in Maryland and Indiana (and to be honest, anywhere outside of Boston) certainly think so. And this is what gets me. I can understand blaming officiating when you are mad, but when you are given adequate time to cool down, yet you still cry foul, something is up: either preferential treatment took place or you are a massive tool. So are those that propose the Patriots were given the game right or wrong? Let’s just say, all of these gripers belong in a hardware store.
What exactly transpired in the now infamous closing moments of this game? Let’s go through this step-by-step (day-by-day...) to fully appreciate the nuances of this amazing finish. Here goes:
--With under four minutes left in the game, the Ravens faced a 3rd and 1 situation, knowing that a first down would all but ice the game. Willis McGahee, as mentioned earlier, had owned the Patriots defense on this night. So what would the call be, in a time where milking the clock was absolutely crucial? A play-action pass from Kyle Boller that wound up incomplete.
--With just over a three minutes, facing a 4th and 1, Baltimore had to decide whether to take a chance and go for it or punt it away to the most clutch player of this decade. The Ravens had not held back all night and seemed intent on going for the jugular, so of course, they…punted it away?? If you want to pull off the monumental upset, you can not all of a sudden lose your spine with three minutes to go. I’m not saying it was the wrong call, but one yard would have effectively beaten the Patriots. If you can not pick up one yard, then your team does not deserve to win the game.
--After a couple of Tom Brady pass attempts completed to get the Patriots into Baltimore territory, things began to heat up. The Ravens pushed the Pats to a fourth down, but a heads-up scramble by Brady meant that New England was able to convert.
--Later on, within the two-minute warning, the Pats faced another 4th and 1 situation, and a quarterback sneak was sniffed out, essentially ending the game. But wait, Baltimore had called a timeout, ergo, the play never happened. (An interesting note: the rules state that the head coach is the only one on the sideline allowed to call a timeout, yet defensive coordinator Rex Ryan was the one to make the gaff. However, the rules also state that if the official is not in eye contact, he must acknowledge the timeout as if it were taken by the head coach. According the league, a head coach is responsible for all personnel, so if the D-coordinator calls a timeout, and the official can not visibly tell which coach it is, the head coach is responsible for the timeout. Therefore, the Ravens were in no way cheated last night, as far as the “bogus” timeout goes.)
--Given a reprieve, the Ravens seemingly stopped the Patriots again on 4th and 1. But alas, New England was flagged for a false start—the play never happened. This would lead to a 4th and 6, meaning Brady was forced to pass. As Steve Young pointed out, a 4th and 6 to this Pats team might just be more ideal than a 4th and 1, at any rate, the Patriots were able to convert the play for a first down. (Some claim that the false start should not result in a stoppage of the play, and that the defense should be able to decline. This is debatable, but the false start is a double-edged sword that affects all 32 teams.)
--How did New England get the first down on the 4th and 6? Offensive holding on Baltimore. This sent the Ravens up in arms (specifically Bart Scott, but more on him in just a bit). But a quick glance at the replay shows that the Patriots receiver was clearly held past the five yard cutoff. It did change the complexion of the play and not calling it would have been unfair to the Patriots. However, if you want to complain about the five yard cutoff rule for when a receiver can be touched, simply contact man responsible at:
Bill Polian
7001 West 56th StreetIndianapolis, IN 46254
--With a first and goal situation for the Patriots, with the Ravens defense now reeling, Tom Brady hit Jabar Gafney on an in-and-out pattern for a touchdown in the corner of the end zone. The rule on the field was touchdown, yet the fact that Gafney did not possess a kung-fu grip on the ball led some to think that this was not a legitimate catch. Replays continued to show, however, that Gafney has the ball under control with both hands on it. The only movement is a result of Gafney tucking the ball into his chest. It was a catch. But if you still don’t believe, keep in mind that the replay must show irrefutable evidence that he was juggling the ball: it does not.
--At this point, many of the Ravens were visibly frustrated by their inability to execute within the parameters of the league rules. Particularly Bart Scott, who received an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and then proceeded to chuck the initial flag in the stands. He was flagged again for the same infraction, and I was under the impression that he received a third. However, I was mistaken. But he should have received at least another simply for the fact that he was still screaming at the official…while being restrained by at least five people. His coach, Brian Billick, would later comment on his behavior: “you can’t be a dumb football player.” Indeed, Coach Billick is right. Mr. Scott, you are a paid, professional football player, so start acting professional.
--Thanks to Bart Scott’s three-year-old antics, the Patriots were kicking off from the Baltimore forty yard long. Stephen Gostkowski decided to put it through the uprights of the goal post to seal the deal on a touchback. I, however, felt that New England should have tried an onside kick. There was still almost a minute left in the game, and even if the Ravens recovered, they would only have had the ball on the 30 yard line.
--With a few seconds remaining, Kyle Boller was tasked with heaving one last desperation pass as close to the end zone as possible. He came up two yards shot, but a catch was still made near the goal line. The Pats were there to wrap things up, but that was too close of a call. But should it have been? The replays clearly indicate that Asante Samuel was on the receiving end of an offensive pass interference. Had he not been held up, Samuel would most definitely have knocked the ball down (or even intercepted it), as he was in prime position to make the play.
--The post-game interviews and press conferences were filled with many bitter Ravens players. Myriad remarks, in regards to perceived poor officiating will no doubt result in a large deposit to the NFL’s bank account. Additionally, Bart Scott could very well be suspended for his on-field meltdown (which is unfortunate, since they will need him against a resurgent Colts team this Sunday). But in an ironic twist, the only terrible call within the last few minutes of last night’s game benefited the Ravens, not the Patriots.**
--Tom Brady’s post-game comments were absolutely outstanding, but it’s pretty obvious that what he said will make anyone who hates him up their disdain level ten-fold. When asked about the stop on fourth down (which was nullified by the Baltimore timeout), Brady joked that he “would have gotten the first down if they didn’t blow the whistle.”
--Whoever reads this, and also knows me pretty well, will no doubt state that I am being a hypocrite about ripping the Ravens for criticizing the officials. First off, they are professionals and they are paid to act at a higher standard than I do. Secondly, and more importantly, I, like Barry Bonds arguing balls and strikes (not exactly the wisest reference at this point, although I still don’t think the government has an open-and-shut case against him…but more on that at a later time), am usually right when I complain about officiating. At the very least, I try and provide coherent evidence to back up my claims. I personally feel that there might be a conspiracy theory in the NFL, but it is a pro-Colts agenda, not a pro-Pats one, and I can cite (and in some cases, provide footage) numerous cases where the Colts have been bailed out and the Pats have been hosed by officiating. Whether you agree with me or not is beside the point, but my gripes are usually founded in something, which is more than the Baltimore Ravens players can say after last night’s disgrace.
****
Lakers v. Nuggets: The Running Diary
9:10
What do you know, another Lakers game on national television, another running diary. This is interesting, apparently Andrew Bynum will be limited to playing off the bench thanks to a bout with food poisoning. Apparently he spent most of yesterday in a Minnesota hospital.
9:12
Kobe starts the game off with an 18 foot jumper, Lakers up 2-0. Allen Iverson counters with a jump shot of his own, tie game. Lamar Odom moves it back down and makes a jumper of his own. He follows that up with an offensive rebound and a putback, 6-2, Lakers.
9:13
Nice! Chris Mihm puts in a turnaround hook shot, to give the Lakers an 8-4 lead. Denver puts it back to 8-6 with an Anthony Carter jumpshot, but Luke Walton kicks in another jumper to make it 10-6. Talk about your quick starts.
9:15
Allen Iverson knocks down a couple of free throws to let the Nuggets cut it back to two (also letting me catch my breath).
9:16
Kobe hits another jumper, and Kobe is looking like he feels it tonight. Derek Fisher, however, is not, he is 0-3 tonight and his attempts have not even been close. No matter, come the fourth quarter, Fisher will turn it on if need be.
9:18
Wow. Kobe gets fouled on a jump shot and…it’s a three point play. 17-8, Lakers.
9:20
Great ball movement by the Nuggets enables Allen Iverson to hit an uncontested baseline jumper, Lakers lead 20-12. Timeout.
9:21
A Wrangler commercial featuring Brett Favre has reminded me of a topic that I wanted to bring up: Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. They have screwed it up two years in a row (Roger Federer, the real 2006 SotY). For those who have not heard, and aren’t very perceptive, Brett Favre has won this year’s award. First of all, I am just glad that the hypocrite “Phony” Dungy (hee-hee, I’m clever) did not win the award. Secondly, the choice of Favre is an absolute cop-out. Why not give it to the Colorado Rockies, who electrified the sports world with an improbable post-season run, donating a portion of their playoff bonuses to a deceased coach’s family in the process (and yes, teams have won this award before). Or what about my personal choice, Dikembe Mutumbo? He is still an effective center off of the bench, and on top of this, he has donated large amounts of time and money to help combat AIDS in his home country of the Congo. Can’t he get some love? Yes, Favre is having a late-career peak, but if they are going strictly on performance, SI should have given the award to Tom Brady or Tony Romo. Favre is a bit of a cop-out move.
9:24
Derek Fisher must have been reading this in his mind—he has hit two tough jumpers in a row, one which has been matched by Kenyon Martin, to make it 22-14, Lakers.
9:25
Ouch. Allen Iverson hits Carmelo Anthony with an alley-oop. Now Iverson gets in on the action with a nifty drive, followed by a quick jumper. Denver is on an 8-0 run, 22-20, Lakers.
9:30
Following a couple of game-tying Iverson free throws, Vladimir Radmanovic and Kobe Bryant each contribute a couple of jumpers to Laker cause, pushing it back to a five point Lakers lead.
9:33
Iverson goes one of two from the foul line, and Kobe counters with yet another jumper, giving him 11 and, more importantly, giving the Lakers a 29-23 lead. A would-be jump ball ends up being a foul on Kobe, and J.R. Smith makes it a three point game. Lamar Odom’s second consecutive offensive foul gives Denver back the ball, but a missed three rebounded by Kobe allows the Lakers five seconds for a quarter-ending score. Oh shit! Kobe gets tripped up by Eduardo Najera and lands hard on his left shoulder (which he has had trouble with in the past). He slowly makes his way to the bench, but this is a scary proposition for the Lakers not only in this game, but also for the remainder of the season. I am literally sick to my stomach.
9:39
Yet another damn Cuba Gooding/Michael Jordan Hanes commercial filled with will they/won’t they homosexual tension. Seriously, how long until the first Michael on Cuba porno is released? At this rate, I am putting the over/under at six months.
9:41
The second quarter is about to get under way, but let’s see if we can get a Kobe update…uh-oh. We are a few moments away from an official report, but Kobe has headed into the locker room.
9:42
Wait, Kobe is walking back to the bench! Please, God, say he is okay.
9:43
I really like the way this second-unit plays for the Lakers. With the starters on the bench, the Lakers have pushed this to a 33-26 lead. I may have spoken to soon, as an AI jumper has been followed by a Lakers turnover.
9:44
Iverson hits another jumper (33-30), but it has been announced that Kobe will be back in the game at some point tonight. Wow…as I type, J.R. Smith was absolutely stuffed by Andrew Bynum. The Lakers follow the nice defensive play with a Vladdy Radmanovic three pointer…and another Radmanovic three…and another potential point, pending a free throw thanks to a Kenyon Martin technical. As the game heads to commercial, Denver is facing a quickly built ten point deficit.
9:49
The game returns with Sasha Vujacic knocking down the technical free throw, 40-30, Lakers. Carmelo counters with a jump shot, 40-32, L.A.
9:51
A beautiful high-banking floater by AI cuts the Lakers lead to six. Radmanovic hits yet another three, followed by Iverson’s eighth straight FG, followed by a Luke Walton jumper, followed by AI’s ninth: 45-38, Lakers. Iverson is absolutely feeling it. It looks like the most underappreciated NBA player, besides Kobe Bryant, over the past ten years is playing like its 2001.
9:53
Carmelo hits a couple of free throws (45-40) as Kobe checks back in.
9:54
After a series of crazy plays, Radmanovic hits his fifth three pointer in as many tries. Denver follows with a three of their own, and it is now a 48-43 Lakers lead.
9:57
Wow. The red hot Sacramento Kings have reported today that Kevin Martin, the team’s best player, will be out 4-6 weeks with an injury suffered last night versus Utah.
10:01
Jon Barry: “I’m going to come up for a new name for the Cavaliers: the “Lebron-iers.”
…
Wow.
10:02
A couple of traded baskets have now made it a 51-47 game.
10:03
Kobe knocks down a turnaround jumper, followed by a Lamar Odom three pointer. Lakers push it back, yet again, to a nine point game, 56-47.
10:07
A couple of easy baskets (thanks to great ball movement) by Chris Mihm and Lamar Odom make it a 60-51 game.
10:10
Allen Iverson hits another jump shot to make it a 60-51 game (he is 12-15 for 29 points in the first half, folks). On the next trip down, he adds two more points via a couple of free throws (60-53).
10:11
A very close foul called on Bryant puts Allen Iverson at the line to make it a five point game (giving AI 33 for the half).
10:12
Sasha Vujacic hits a jump shot from the wing, which is countered by a Najera three. We head to the half with the Lakers up 62-58.
10:33
We return from the break in time to see Kobe Bryant pick up his fourth foul on a push-off against Allen Iverson. Replays indicate that the foul was accented by a wonderful acting job by Iverson.
10:35
A couple of traded baskets and an inside drive put Allen Iverson on the line to potentially make it a 64-62 game…and he only makes one of two free throws: 64-61, Lakers.
10:36
A missed Lamar Odom three gets tipped in by Luke Walton, but it is followed on the other end with a Nuggets basket (66-63).
10:37
Carmelo Anthony hits a basket to make it a one point game.
10:39
Lamar Odom goes one-for-two from the free throw line to make it 67-65, Lakers. Kenyon Martin will go to the line in an attempt to tie the game. The first free throw is off. Timeout Lakers.
10:42
Back from the break, Kenyon Martin converts on the second of his two free throws. The Lakers lead 67-66…Chris Mihm hits a couple of free throws to make it 69 (hee-hee) to 66.
10:43
Iverson, who apparently did not cool off during half time, hits another jumper to make it a one point game.
10:46
Derek Fisher weathers the storm with a nice jumper, keeping the Lakers ahead 71-68.
10:47
Lamar Odom leads the fastbreak and converts on a lay-up (73-68).
10:48
Lamar Odom’s clear-path foul on Anthony Carter allows Denver to hit two free throws and get the ball back. More importantly, the Nuggets are now in the bonus.
10:49
Iverson hits another jump shot, and with the and-one, Denver ties the game at 71.
10:51
Another fadeaway by Iverson makes it a two-point lead for the Nuggets. Another foul will put AI on the line with a chance to add to his point total. He makes both to give himself 45 points.
10:52
Jordan Farmar hits a three pointer to trim the Nuggets lead down to one.
10:53
Iverson, by this point, is obviously feeling it! Another jumper gives him 47 points. The Nuggets are up by three, but Derek Fisher adds a couple of free throws to cut it back to one.
10:54
Two Trevor Ariza free throws gives L.A. back the lead, 80-79.
10:55
Eduardo Najera hits a three from the wing to make it 82-80, Nuggets.
10:59
A couple trips down the court make it 84-81, Nuggets.
11:01
We are under a minute to go in the third and a Jordan Farmar three has just tied the game at 86.
11:02
Derek Fisher goes to the line to give the Lakers the lead, 88-86.
11:03
Iverson gets fouled and will go to the line to try and tie the game…he hits the first…and he hits the second.
11:05
The third quarter comes to a close with the game tied at 88. With all that has transpired, Kobe’s foul trouble and lack of play time, the reliance on the Lakers second unit, and Allen Iverson’s continuous hot hand, the Lakers have still been able to hang in there and keep the game tied. Now…it’s Kobe time!!!
11:10
Kobe starts off the fourth with a sweet drive into the lane (90-88). Carmelo Anthony counters with an alley-oop to tie the game back up.
11:11
Kobe goes to the line and hits a couple of free throws to make it a 92-90, Lakers.
11:20
Kobe knocks down a couple more free throws, 94-90, Lakers.
11:21
J.R. Smith hits a lay-up to make it a two point game.
11:22
Kenyon Martin slams it down to make it a tie ball game. Carmelo Anthony ends a fast break with a dunk, giving Denver a two point lead. Timeout Lakers.
11:27
J.R. Smith heads to the foul line in hopes of putting the Nuggets up by four. He hits the first…and he hits the second. 98-94, Denver.
11:29
Derek Fisher hits a silky smooth jumper to make it a two point game.
11:31
The Nuggets are on a 10-2 run and are up by four (100-96).
11:34
Vladimir Radmanovic cuts the lead to one with a three from the wing.
11:35
Allen drives in for an and-one. Kobe picks up his fifth foul. AI can’t capitalize on the free throw and it is a three point game.
11:37
Kobe sets up Andrew Bynum with a sweet alley-oop, 102-101, Nuggets lead.
11:38
Vladdy Radmanovic goes to the line and is able to tie the game at 102.
11:40
Kobe gets hammered and still makes the lay-up. Lakers 104, Nuggets 102.
11:41
Andrew Bynum comes up with a huge block on Anthony, and Bryant follows up with a floater in the lane (106-102).
11:48
Anthony counters with a tough lay-up of his own (106-104).
11:50
Michael Jordan 2.0 knocks down yet another clutch shot, the Lakers go up by four.
11:51
Kenyon Martin goes to the line…he misses the first…he makes the second. 108-105, Lakers.
11:52
Desperation fouling begins: Derek Fisher hits two daggers, Lakers up by five.
11:55
The horn sounds off and the Lakers escape the Allen Iverson and the Denver Nuggets with the 111-107 win. Once again, Kobe Bean Bryant is able to come through in the clutch, hitting his final three shots in the fourth quarter (with an injured shoulder) to seal the win.
****
The always amusing Bill Simmons brought up a topic in his weekly podcast on ESPN.com that I have not talked about at all, despite being a comedic goldmine—the WNBA. Simmons brought up a good point, women’s sports are simply inferior to men’s, and they only gain popularity of the women involved are attractive (see: women’s tennis).*** Obviously, they proceeded to spend the next five minutes cracking jokes alluding to lesbianism, yet still somehow managed to stay politically correct. I personally have always thought of the WNBA as a joke. This feeling was validated about five years ago, when I caught an episode of ESPN’s ill-fated foray into the reality television market “Beg, Borrow, and Deal.” In the show, contestants were asked to perform various sports-related tasks in order to get from place to place. In the particular episode that I saw, one of the tasks was to defeat a WNBA all-star in one-on-one. The team member selected to go up against the all-star did not appear formidable at all, and at first, I was looking forward to some arrogant douchebag to get his taint handed to him on national television. What I witnessed was the only possible scenario that could have topped what I was hoping to see. The guy was as terrible as I expected, but…he almost won. I know “almost” indicates that the WNBA player did not come through. But seriously, this is supposed to be a professional basketball player (or, at least a woman moonlighting as a professional basketball player). The fact that she was almost put away by some average Joe with an inflated ego tells me all I need to know about the WNBA.http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/player?context=podcast&id=314288
Random Links
--Okay, we all know that the WGA strike has prevented me from getting my (week) daily dose of all-new Conan. At any rate, I happened to catch an episode a while back that had somehow slipped past my radar, and it featured the comedic genius that is everyone’s favorite insult comic: Triumph! Here (http://video.aol.com/video-detail/triumph-sues-trouble-helmsley-91407/3030418360) is a link to the bit, which features Triumph on a crusade to get some money he feels entitled to. Enjoy.
--Is Mario Mario a communist? Of course not, right? Don’t be so sure. Check out this (http://nedmartin.org/amused/communist-mario) piece on the subject, which could turn the video game world upside down. Boy, this information could have been useful a decade or so ago in order to combat my friends: “hey guys, guess what! Sonic the Hedgehog isn’t a commie! In fact, I’d say he sticks up for the blue collar folks. This of course is in opposition to your beloved Mario, who is trying to spread his red propaganda to you through your wonderful, little SNES. (And then I’d cue a boombox to peform the classic “SEGA!” scream, press stop, slam it on the ground, grab my junk, and walk away. Man…I would have gotten so much action.)
--Since I have pretty much ransacked there site without contributing so much as a raw cover scan, I figure that I should give a shout-out to the boys over at www.thecoverproject.net. They do some pretty cool work on this site, and if you ever find yourself in need of a makeshift case for a loose video game, check out this place first.
--Just a random note: I can not wait until I have been writing these posts for a long time, just so I can have all the names and teams of my subjects saved in Spell Check. You would be amazed at the time I spend going through and “adding to dictionary.” It is truly a pain in the ass.
--With that, I’m going to close. I understand that I have not been as religious with updating the site as I had been at its inception, but I assure, I have been busy. You may notice that a lot of these columns seem less focused and rather unorganized (hint: running diaries eat up a lot of space). Unfortunately, I have haphazardly strewn together bits and pieces that have been written down here and there. In fact, I had to cut out about a third of what I had written, because it was really out of date. Hopefully, I can get back on track over Christmas with a nice, big, controversial column. Until then, this will have to do.
*Of Adam Sandler fame; he played the psycho in Billy Madison, “Crazy Eyes” in Mr. Deeds, the homeless guy in Big Daddy…
**It is ironic, to me, that the Ravens would claim that the NFL had some sort of conspiracy against them in last night’s game. I mean, let’s keep in mind that heading into their showdown with the Pats, Baltimore was the second most penalized team in the league.
***My favorite part of the WNBA discussion came up when Simmons revealed to his listeners that in discussions with “higher-ups” from both the NBA and ESPN, both parties validated their involvement with the WNBA like it was some sort of charity organization, and not an actual form of entertainment.
That is all that I can say after last night’s controversial football game involving the New England Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. What exactly happened? Well, long story short, Tommy Brady once again marched his troops down the field for yet another game-winning drive. But if you are either a Ravens player, a blind supporter, or a pro-Colts/anti-Pats fan, it appeared to you that there was more to it: conspiracy. Don’t get me wrong, I love conspiracy theories (did JFK get killed the way the Warren Commission says he did? Well, in the immortal words of Whitney Houston “hell to the hell to the hell to the no!” Was 9/11 an inside job or, best case scenario, a terrorist plot that was sniffed out yet still allowed to play out? Probably. Did Michael Jordan get secretly suspended for 18 months by the NBA for his gambling issues? I wouldn’t bet against it). But the lies that those in favor of the Ravens have tried to perpetuate are just plain ridiculous. To start, let me set the stage for you:
Through three quarters, the Ravens absolutely put it to the Patriots—hard. They got pressure on Tom Brady, completely shut down Wes Welker, kept Randy Moss (and by proxy, the big-time plays) in check, and did not allow New England to set up their running game. For the second straight week, a would-be benchwarmer has been very effective against the Patriots defense. More importantly, the Patriots were destroyed by Willis McGahee; time and again, McGahee was able to bust through the hole for big yardage and first downs (in fact, he had the most rushing yards NE has allowed by a back since…Willis McGahee in 2005**). Now, if you read this description without knowing how the game actually turned out, who do you think would be the winner? You’d win a lot of money if you said New England. That’s right. Despite everything going against them on this night (and I am not referring to officiating), the New England Patriots somehow found a way to win and keep their quest for perfection alive for at least one more week.
But this leads us back to the controversy at hand. Did the officials, and by the same token, the NFL want the Patriots to win last night? Lots of people in Maryland and Indiana (and to be honest, anywhere outside of Boston) certainly think so. And this is what gets me. I can understand blaming officiating when you are mad, but when you are given adequate time to cool down, yet you still cry foul, something is up: either preferential treatment took place or you are a massive tool. So are those that propose the Patriots were given the game right or wrong? Let’s just say, all of these gripers belong in a hardware store.
What exactly transpired in the now infamous closing moments of this game? Let’s go through this step-by-step (day-by-day...) to fully appreciate the nuances of this amazing finish. Here goes:
--With under four minutes left in the game, the Ravens faced a 3rd and 1 situation, knowing that a first down would all but ice the game. Willis McGahee, as mentioned earlier, had owned the Patriots defense on this night. So what would the call be, in a time where milking the clock was absolutely crucial? A play-action pass from Kyle Boller that wound up incomplete.
--With just over a three minutes, facing a 4th and 1, Baltimore had to decide whether to take a chance and go for it or punt it away to the most clutch player of this decade. The Ravens had not held back all night and seemed intent on going for the jugular, so of course, they…punted it away?? If you want to pull off the monumental upset, you can not all of a sudden lose your spine with three minutes to go. I’m not saying it was the wrong call, but one yard would have effectively beaten the Patriots. If you can not pick up one yard, then your team does not deserve to win the game.
--After a couple of Tom Brady pass attempts completed to get the Patriots into Baltimore territory, things began to heat up. The Ravens pushed the Pats to a fourth down, but a heads-up scramble by Brady meant that New England was able to convert.
--Later on, within the two-minute warning, the Pats faced another 4th and 1 situation, and a quarterback sneak was sniffed out, essentially ending the game. But wait, Baltimore had called a timeout, ergo, the play never happened. (An interesting note: the rules state that the head coach is the only one on the sideline allowed to call a timeout, yet defensive coordinator Rex Ryan was the one to make the gaff. However, the rules also state that if the official is not in eye contact, he must acknowledge the timeout as if it were taken by the head coach. According the league, a head coach is responsible for all personnel, so if the D-coordinator calls a timeout, and the official can not visibly tell which coach it is, the head coach is responsible for the timeout. Therefore, the Ravens were in no way cheated last night, as far as the “bogus” timeout goes.)
--Given a reprieve, the Ravens seemingly stopped the Patriots again on 4th and 1. But alas, New England was flagged for a false start—the play never happened. This would lead to a 4th and 6, meaning Brady was forced to pass. As Steve Young pointed out, a 4th and 6 to this Pats team might just be more ideal than a 4th and 1, at any rate, the Patriots were able to convert the play for a first down. (Some claim that the false start should not result in a stoppage of the play, and that the defense should be able to decline. This is debatable, but the false start is a double-edged sword that affects all 32 teams.)
--How did New England get the first down on the 4th and 6? Offensive holding on Baltimore. This sent the Ravens up in arms (specifically Bart Scott, but more on him in just a bit). But a quick glance at the replay shows that the Patriots receiver was clearly held past the five yard cutoff. It did change the complexion of the play and not calling it would have been unfair to the Patriots. However, if you want to complain about the five yard cutoff rule for when a receiver can be touched, simply contact man responsible at:
Bill Polian
7001 West 56th StreetIndianapolis, IN 46254
--With a first and goal situation for the Patriots, with the Ravens defense now reeling, Tom Brady hit Jabar Gafney on an in-and-out pattern for a touchdown in the corner of the end zone. The rule on the field was touchdown, yet the fact that Gafney did not possess a kung-fu grip on the ball led some to think that this was not a legitimate catch. Replays continued to show, however, that Gafney has the ball under control with both hands on it. The only movement is a result of Gafney tucking the ball into his chest. It was a catch. But if you still don’t believe, keep in mind that the replay must show irrefutable evidence that he was juggling the ball: it does not.
--At this point, many of the Ravens were visibly frustrated by their inability to execute within the parameters of the league rules. Particularly Bart Scott, who received an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and then proceeded to chuck the initial flag in the stands. He was flagged again for the same infraction, and I was under the impression that he received a third. However, I was mistaken. But he should have received at least another simply for the fact that he was still screaming at the official…while being restrained by at least five people. His coach, Brian Billick, would later comment on his behavior: “you can’t be a dumb football player.” Indeed, Coach Billick is right. Mr. Scott, you are a paid, professional football player, so start acting professional.
--Thanks to Bart Scott’s three-year-old antics, the Patriots were kicking off from the Baltimore forty yard long. Stephen Gostkowski decided to put it through the uprights of the goal post to seal the deal on a touchback. I, however, felt that New England should have tried an onside kick. There was still almost a minute left in the game, and even if the Ravens recovered, they would only have had the ball on the 30 yard line.
--With a few seconds remaining, Kyle Boller was tasked with heaving one last desperation pass as close to the end zone as possible. He came up two yards shot, but a catch was still made near the goal line. The Pats were there to wrap things up, but that was too close of a call. But should it have been? The replays clearly indicate that Asante Samuel was on the receiving end of an offensive pass interference. Had he not been held up, Samuel would most definitely have knocked the ball down (or even intercepted it), as he was in prime position to make the play.
--The post-game interviews and press conferences were filled with many bitter Ravens players. Myriad remarks, in regards to perceived poor officiating will no doubt result in a large deposit to the NFL’s bank account. Additionally, Bart Scott could very well be suspended for his on-field meltdown (which is unfortunate, since they will need him against a resurgent Colts team this Sunday). But in an ironic twist, the only terrible call within the last few minutes of last night’s game benefited the Ravens, not the Patriots.**
--Tom Brady’s post-game comments were absolutely outstanding, but it’s pretty obvious that what he said will make anyone who hates him up their disdain level ten-fold. When asked about the stop on fourth down (which was nullified by the Baltimore timeout), Brady joked that he “would have gotten the first down if they didn’t blow the whistle.”
--Whoever reads this, and also knows me pretty well, will no doubt state that I am being a hypocrite about ripping the Ravens for criticizing the officials. First off, they are professionals and they are paid to act at a higher standard than I do. Secondly, and more importantly, I, like Barry Bonds arguing balls and strikes (not exactly the wisest reference at this point, although I still don’t think the government has an open-and-shut case against him…but more on that at a later time), am usually right when I complain about officiating. At the very least, I try and provide coherent evidence to back up my claims. I personally feel that there might be a conspiracy theory in the NFL, but it is a pro-Colts agenda, not a pro-Pats one, and I can cite (and in some cases, provide footage) numerous cases where the Colts have been bailed out and the Pats have been hosed by officiating. Whether you agree with me or not is beside the point, but my gripes are usually founded in something, which is more than the Baltimore Ravens players can say after last night’s disgrace.
****
Lakers v. Nuggets: The Running Diary
9:10
What do you know, another Lakers game on national television, another running diary. This is interesting, apparently Andrew Bynum will be limited to playing off the bench thanks to a bout with food poisoning. Apparently he spent most of yesterday in a Minnesota hospital.
9:12
Kobe starts the game off with an 18 foot jumper, Lakers up 2-0. Allen Iverson counters with a jump shot of his own, tie game. Lamar Odom moves it back down and makes a jumper of his own. He follows that up with an offensive rebound and a putback, 6-2, Lakers.
9:13
Nice! Chris Mihm puts in a turnaround hook shot, to give the Lakers an 8-4 lead. Denver puts it back to 8-6 with an Anthony Carter jumpshot, but Luke Walton kicks in another jumper to make it 10-6. Talk about your quick starts.
9:15
Allen Iverson knocks down a couple of free throws to let the Nuggets cut it back to two (also letting me catch my breath).
9:16
Kobe hits another jumper, and Kobe is looking like he feels it tonight. Derek Fisher, however, is not, he is 0-3 tonight and his attempts have not even been close. No matter, come the fourth quarter, Fisher will turn it on if need be.
9:18
Wow. Kobe gets fouled on a jump shot and…it’s a three point play. 17-8, Lakers.
9:20
Great ball movement by the Nuggets enables Allen Iverson to hit an uncontested baseline jumper, Lakers lead 20-12. Timeout.
9:21
A Wrangler commercial featuring Brett Favre has reminded me of a topic that I wanted to bring up: Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. They have screwed it up two years in a row (Roger Federer, the real 2006 SotY). For those who have not heard, and aren’t very perceptive, Brett Favre has won this year’s award. First of all, I am just glad that the hypocrite “Phony” Dungy (hee-hee, I’m clever) did not win the award. Secondly, the choice of Favre is an absolute cop-out. Why not give it to the Colorado Rockies, who electrified the sports world with an improbable post-season run, donating a portion of their playoff bonuses to a deceased coach’s family in the process (and yes, teams have won this award before). Or what about my personal choice, Dikembe Mutumbo? He is still an effective center off of the bench, and on top of this, he has donated large amounts of time and money to help combat AIDS in his home country of the Congo. Can’t he get some love? Yes, Favre is having a late-career peak, but if they are going strictly on performance, SI should have given the award to Tom Brady or Tony Romo. Favre is a bit of a cop-out move.
9:24
Derek Fisher must have been reading this in his mind—he has hit two tough jumpers in a row, one which has been matched by Kenyon Martin, to make it 22-14, Lakers.
9:25
Ouch. Allen Iverson hits Carmelo Anthony with an alley-oop. Now Iverson gets in on the action with a nifty drive, followed by a quick jumper. Denver is on an 8-0 run, 22-20, Lakers.
9:30
Following a couple of game-tying Iverson free throws, Vladimir Radmanovic and Kobe Bryant each contribute a couple of jumpers to Laker cause, pushing it back to a five point Lakers lead.
9:33
Iverson goes one of two from the foul line, and Kobe counters with yet another jumper, giving him 11 and, more importantly, giving the Lakers a 29-23 lead. A would-be jump ball ends up being a foul on Kobe, and J.R. Smith makes it a three point game. Lamar Odom’s second consecutive offensive foul gives Denver back the ball, but a missed three rebounded by Kobe allows the Lakers five seconds for a quarter-ending score. Oh shit! Kobe gets tripped up by Eduardo Najera and lands hard on his left shoulder (which he has had trouble with in the past). He slowly makes his way to the bench, but this is a scary proposition for the Lakers not only in this game, but also for the remainder of the season. I am literally sick to my stomach.
9:39
Yet another damn Cuba Gooding/Michael Jordan Hanes commercial filled with will they/won’t they homosexual tension. Seriously, how long until the first Michael on Cuba porno is released? At this rate, I am putting the over/under at six months.
9:41
The second quarter is about to get under way, but let’s see if we can get a Kobe update…uh-oh. We are a few moments away from an official report, but Kobe has headed into the locker room.
9:42
Wait, Kobe is walking back to the bench! Please, God, say he is okay.
9:43
I really like the way this second-unit plays for the Lakers. With the starters on the bench, the Lakers have pushed this to a 33-26 lead. I may have spoken to soon, as an AI jumper has been followed by a Lakers turnover.
9:44
Iverson hits another jumper (33-30), but it has been announced that Kobe will be back in the game at some point tonight. Wow…as I type, J.R. Smith was absolutely stuffed by Andrew Bynum. The Lakers follow the nice defensive play with a Vladdy Radmanovic three pointer…and another Radmanovic three…and another potential point, pending a free throw thanks to a Kenyon Martin technical. As the game heads to commercial, Denver is facing a quickly built ten point deficit.
9:49
The game returns with Sasha Vujacic knocking down the technical free throw, 40-30, Lakers. Carmelo counters with a jump shot, 40-32, L.A.
9:51
A beautiful high-banking floater by AI cuts the Lakers lead to six. Radmanovic hits yet another three, followed by Iverson’s eighth straight FG, followed by a Luke Walton jumper, followed by AI’s ninth: 45-38, Lakers. Iverson is absolutely feeling it. It looks like the most underappreciated NBA player, besides Kobe Bryant, over the past ten years is playing like its 2001.
9:53
Carmelo hits a couple of free throws (45-40) as Kobe checks back in.
9:54
After a series of crazy plays, Radmanovic hits his fifth three pointer in as many tries. Denver follows with a three of their own, and it is now a 48-43 Lakers lead.
9:57
Wow. The red hot Sacramento Kings have reported today that Kevin Martin, the team’s best player, will be out 4-6 weeks with an injury suffered last night versus Utah.
10:01
Jon Barry: “I’m going to come up for a new name for the Cavaliers: the “Lebron-iers.”
…
Wow.
10:02
A couple of traded baskets have now made it a 51-47 game.
10:03
Kobe knocks down a turnaround jumper, followed by a Lamar Odom three pointer. Lakers push it back, yet again, to a nine point game, 56-47.
10:07
A couple of easy baskets (thanks to great ball movement) by Chris Mihm and Lamar Odom make it a 60-51 game.
10:10
Allen Iverson hits another jump shot to make it a 60-51 game (he is 12-15 for 29 points in the first half, folks). On the next trip down, he adds two more points via a couple of free throws (60-53).
10:11
A very close foul called on Bryant puts Allen Iverson at the line to make it a five point game (giving AI 33 for the half).
10:12
Sasha Vujacic hits a jump shot from the wing, which is countered by a Najera three. We head to the half with the Lakers up 62-58.
10:33
We return from the break in time to see Kobe Bryant pick up his fourth foul on a push-off against Allen Iverson. Replays indicate that the foul was accented by a wonderful acting job by Iverson.
10:35
A couple of traded baskets and an inside drive put Allen Iverson on the line to potentially make it a 64-62 game…and he only makes one of two free throws: 64-61, Lakers.
10:36
A missed Lamar Odom three gets tipped in by Luke Walton, but it is followed on the other end with a Nuggets basket (66-63).
10:37
Carmelo Anthony hits a basket to make it a one point game.
10:39
Lamar Odom goes one-for-two from the free throw line to make it 67-65, Lakers. Kenyon Martin will go to the line in an attempt to tie the game. The first free throw is off. Timeout Lakers.
10:42
Back from the break, Kenyon Martin converts on the second of his two free throws. The Lakers lead 67-66…Chris Mihm hits a couple of free throws to make it 69 (hee-hee) to 66.
10:43
Iverson, who apparently did not cool off during half time, hits another jumper to make it a one point game.
10:46
Derek Fisher weathers the storm with a nice jumper, keeping the Lakers ahead 71-68.
10:47
Lamar Odom leads the fastbreak and converts on a lay-up (73-68).
10:48
Lamar Odom’s clear-path foul on Anthony Carter allows Denver to hit two free throws and get the ball back. More importantly, the Nuggets are now in the bonus.
10:49
Iverson hits another jump shot, and with the and-one, Denver ties the game at 71.
10:51
Another fadeaway by Iverson makes it a two-point lead for the Nuggets. Another foul will put AI on the line with a chance to add to his point total. He makes both to give himself 45 points.
10:52
Jordan Farmar hits a three pointer to trim the Nuggets lead down to one.
10:53
Iverson, by this point, is obviously feeling it! Another jumper gives him 47 points. The Nuggets are up by three, but Derek Fisher adds a couple of free throws to cut it back to one.
10:54
Two Trevor Ariza free throws gives L.A. back the lead, 80-79.
10:55
Eduardo Najera hits a three from the wing to make it 82-80, Nuggets.
10:59
A couple trips down the court make it 84-81, Nuggets.
11:01
We are under a minute to go in the third and a Jordan Farmar three has just tied the game at 86.
11:02
Derek Fisher goes to the line to give the Lakers the lead, 88-86.
11:03
Iverson gets fouled and will go to the line to try and tie the game…he hits the first…and he hits the second.
11:05
The third quarter comes to a close with the game tied at 88. With all that has transpired, Kobe’s foul trouble and lack of play time, the reliance on the Lakers second unit, and Allen Iverson’s continuous hot hand, the Lakers have still been able to hang in there and keep the game tied. Now…it’s Kobe time!!!
11:10
Kobe starts off the fourth with a sweet drive into the lane (90-88). Carmelo Anthony counters with an alley-oop to tie the game back up.
11:11
Kobe goes to the line and hits a couple of free throws to make it a 92-90, Lakers.
11:20
Kobe knocks down a couple more free throws, 94-90, Lakers.
11:21
J.R. Smith hits a lay-up to make it a two point game.
11:22
Kenyon Martin slams it down to make it a tie ball game. Carmelo Anthony ends a fast break with a dunk, giving Denver a two point lead. Timeout Lakers.
11:27
J.R. Smith heads to the foul line in hopes of putting the Nuggets up by four. He hits the first…and he hits the second. 98-94, Denver.
11:29
Derek Fisher hits a silky smooth jumper to make it a two point game.
11:31
The Nuggets are on a 10-2 run and are up by four (100-96).
11:34
Vladimir Radmanovic cuts the lead to one with a three from the wing.
11:35
Allen drives in for an and-one. Kobe picks up his fifth foul. AI can’t capitalize on the free throw and it is a three point game.
11:37
Kobe sets up Andrew Bynum with a sweet alley-oop, 102-101, Nuggets lead.
11:38
Vladdy Radmanovic goes to the line and is able to tie the game at 102.
11:40
Kobe gets hammered and still makes the lay-up. Lakers 104, Nuggets 102.
11:41
Andrew Bynum comes up with a huge block on Anthony, and Bryant follows up with a floater in the lane (106-102).
11:48
Anthony counters with a tough lay-up of his own (106-104).
11:50
Michael Jordan 2.0 knocks down yet another clutch shot, the Lakers go up by four.
11:51
Kenyon Martin goes to the line…he misses the first…he makes the second. 108-105, Lakers.
11:52
Desperation fouling begins: Derek Fisher hits two daggers, Lakers up by five.
11:55
The horn sounds off and the Lakers escape the Allen Iverson and the Denver Nuggets with the 111-107 win. Once again, Kobe Bean Bryant is able to come through in the clutch, hitting his final three shots in the fourth quarter (with an injured shoulder) to seal the win.
****
The always amusing Bill Simmons brought up a topic in his weekly podcast on ESPN.com that I have not talked about at all, despite being a comedic goldmine—the WNBA. Simmons brought up a good point, women’s sports are simply inferior to men’s, and they only gain popularity of the women involved are attractive (see: women’s tennis).*** Obviously, they proceeded to spend the next five minutes cracking jokes alluding to lesbianism, yet still somehow managed to stay politically correct. I personally have always thought of the WNBA as a joke. This feeling was validated about five years ago, when I caught an episode of ESPN’s ill-fated foray into the reality television market “Beg, Borrow, and Deal.” In the show, contestants were asked to perform various sports-related tasks in order to get from place to place. In the particular episode that I saw, one of the tasks was to defeat a WNBA all-star in one-on-one. The team member selected to go up against the all-star did not appear formidable at all, and at first, I was looking forward to some arrogant douchebag to get his taint handed to him on national television. What I witnessed was the only possible scenario that could have topped what I was hoping to see. The guy was as terrible as I expected, but…he almost won. I know “almost” indicates that the WNBA player did not come through. But seriously, this is supposed to be a professional basketball player (or, at least a woman moonlighting as a professional basketball player). The fact that she was almost put away by some average Joe with an inflated ego tells me all I need to know about the WNBA.http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/player?context=podcast&id=314288
Random Links
--Okay, we all know that the WGA strike has prevented me from getting my (week) daily dose of all-new Conan. At any rate, I happened to catch an episode a while back that had somehow slipped past my radar, and it featured the comedic genius that is everyone’s favorite insult comic: Triumph! Here (http://video.aol.com/video-detail/triumph-sues-trouble-helmsley-91407/3030418360) is a link to the bit, which features Triumph on a crusade to get some money he feels entitled to. Enjoy.
--Is Mario Mario a communist? Of course not, right? Don’t be so sure. Check out this (http://nedmartin.org/amused/communist-mario) piece on the subject, which could turn the video game world upside down. Boy, this information could have been useful a decade or so ago in order to combat my friends: “hey guys, guess what! Sonic the Hedgehog isn’t a commie! In fact, I’d say he sticks up for the blue collar folks. This of course is in opposition to your beloved Mario, who is trying to spread his red propaganda to you through your wonderful, little SNES. (And then I’d cue a boombox to peform the classic “SEGA!” scream, press stop, slam it on the ground, grab my junk, and walk away. Man…I would have gotten so much action.)
--Since I have pretty much ransacked there site without contributing so much as a raw cover scan, I figure that I should give a shout-out to the boys over at www.thecoverproject.net. They do some pretty cool work on this site, and if you ever find yourself in need of a makeshift case for a loose video game, check out this place first.
--Just a random note: I can not wait until I have been writing these posts for a long time, just so I can have all the names and teams of my subjects saved in Spell Check. You would be amazed at the time I spend going through and “adding to dictionary.” It is truly a pain in the ass.
--With that, I’m going to close. I understand that I have not been as religious with updating the site as I had been at its inception, but I assure, I have been busy. You may notice that a lot of these columns seem less focused and rather unorganized (hint: running diaries eat up a lot of space). Unfortunately, I have haphazardly strewn together bits and pieces that have been written down here and there. In fact, I had to cut out about a third of what I had written, because it was really out of date. Hopefully, I can get back on track over Christmas with a nice, big, controversial column. Until then, this will have to do.
*Of Adam Sandler fame; he played the psycho in Billy Madison, “Crazy Eyes” in Mr. Deeds, the homeless guy in Big Daddy…
**It is ironic, to me, that the Ravens would claim that the NFL had some sort of conspiracy against them in last night’s game. I mean, let’s keep in mind that heading into their showdown with the Pats, Baltimore was the second most penalized team in the league.
***My favorite part of the WNBA discussion came up when Simmons revealed to his listeners that in discussions with “higher-ups” from both the NBA and ESPN, both parties validated their involvement with the WNBA like it was some sort of charity organization, and not an actual form of entertainment.
Lakers/Rockets Running Diary; Quick Hits
11/16/07
Hey, the L.A. Lakers are playing on national television again, so do you know what that means? That’s right, another running diary!
9:09
We kick things off with Jeff Van Gundy’s comment that “no one is playing better than Tracy McGrady right now.” It doesn’t really matter at all this early in the season, but I think there is a certain power forward in Boston who might have something to say about that.
9:11
L.A. wins the tip and we are under way. Kobe is off on a turnaround jumper and Houston heads back down the court.
9:13
Lakers jump out to a 4-0 lead. In other news, it appears that it isn’t an anomaly: Ronny Turiaff has cultivated a 20 foot jump shot this off-season. A strong left-handed move (surprise, surprise) from Odom makes it 6-2.
9:16
Jeff Van Gundy just dropped another pearl of wisdom: “Tracy McGrady is the second best decision maker behind Steve Nash in the NBA.” Really? I’ll research some turnover, FG% stats later, but I would like to think that Jason Kidd, Deron Williams, or other quality point guards would dispute this. Do you think the fact that Van Gundy coached McGrady for quite some time clouds his judgement?
9:18
McGrady knocks down a jumper to cut L.A.’s lead to 10-4. If I am the Lakers I will let him have that all night. As long as he has to shoot over a defender, he won’t be have a good percentage.
9:20
Turiaff got put on his ass by Yao, but Kwame Brown needs to take a note a page from Ronny’s book when it comes to aggressiveness. Surprisingly, Van Gundy disputes the foul. I really don’t mind Jeff, but it is borderline unbearable to listen to him cover a Rockets game.
9:22
Both teams may be a little gassed down the stretch, as they are each on the second half of a back-to-back. I’m not so concerned with that as I am enlightening you on some of the comments made by Phil Jackson last night in terms of his teams, um, performance:
“(Responding to a question pertaining to the Spurs ability to get into the lane) We call this a Brokeback Mountain game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts."
His juvenile, politically incorrect (yet slightly funny) comments cost him a slap on the wrist from the league. He has apologized at least twice today for what he said. Wow.
9:27
Holy crap! Derek Fisher was fouled by Yao as he was about to beat him out of a rebound. Fisher rebounding over Yao? This play aside, I still think Yao plays very small a little too often.
9:30
After Lamar Odom, who is playing very well for a man who is coming off of knee and shoulder surgery, finishes a nifty fastbreak lay-up, Kwame Brown let’s Bonzi Wells come down and finish an “and one” on him. Look Kwame, either let him score or put his ass on the floor. If you are going to foul him, foul him. I can see why Phil Jackson gave you the nickname “pussy” last year.
9:31
Ah, commercial break. Now I can get some more sugar-free Jello. I swear that this stuff is becoming like my heroin.
9:35
Just when Houston overtakes L.A.’s lead, Kobe gets on the board, knocking down a three-pointer to give the Lakers a 22-20 advantage.
9:36
Van Gundy, while explaining how Luis Scola won the MVP at the FIBA Olympic Qualifier this summer, says that he understands the mindset of the voters (Scola had no help en route to a 38 point loss to the U.S.), they should have given it to “LeBron or Bryant or somebody.” No, Jeff. It had to be Kobe. He set the tone on the defensive end for the entire team. He will be the reason the U.S. wins the gold in 2008, if indeed they make it through the tournament victoriously.
9:40
Awesome. Another “Where Amazing Happens” commercial. I’ve said it before, and I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I love these ads. The NBA did a tremendous job this year. However, I still believe that “NBA Cares” is the least creative name that a volunteer-based initiative can have.
9:43
For the last time, Maurice Evans, you are NOT Kobe Bryant. You can’t pull off an iso move and create your own jump shot. Why can’t he get this through his head?
9:44
L.A. is playing without Kobe at the start of the second quarter; this will be a big test for the bench. Things are starting off well, though, as Vlad Radmanovic knocks down a three to give the Lakers a 29-25 lead. Nice shot, Vladdy, of course, it’s only a year late.
9:46
Wow, the officials bailed him out by calling a foul that will put Yao on the line, but Luther Head (tee-hee, “Head”) just botched a straightforward lay-up by trying to reverse it. Yao makes both free throws, but back down on the other end Andrew Bynum makes a strong move and finishes with a dunk. And now Jordan Farmar kicks down a three. With Kobe on the bench, the Lakers have extended it to a 34-27 lead. And another Farmar three makes it 37-27.
9:49
While we are at a commercial break, I would like to interject a TRT (you will have to be sharp to remember what this stands for): Twizzlers and Diet Coke is a surprisingly amazing combination. For the past three days, this has been my late night snack of choice.
9:50
This will be blasphemy to some people, but I am hoping my roommate does not come in yet, because he will want to change the game to South Park…which starts in ten minutes. So I guess I should note that if there is a half hour gap between game notes, you will have an idea what happened.
9:52
You know, I understand that Mike James is a fraction of Andrew Bynum’s size, but how does a blatant shove from behind not get considered to be an intentional foul? Does anyone know? Anyway, as Andrew Bynum makes both free throws, it reminds me of his quote when he first came to the league: “I’m like Shaq except that I make free throws.” Talk about having some big, brass balls.
9:55
Following a Mike James three, the Lakers quickly push it back up court and Kobe dishes to Odom for a nice lay-up. This is something they would not have been able to do last year. I guess Phil Jackson’s implementation of an up-tempo style of play is paying off…so far.
9:57
Holy crap. Dwyane Wade was activated today and played a bit tonight. I’m warning you in advance that I will look like a dumbass in one of the Quick Hits below, but it was written earlier today, and I am keeping it for comedic value.
9:59
Kobe knocks down a transition jumper to make it a 45-33 lead for L.A. This will come across as gay, but I get giddy every single time Kobe pulls up for a shot.
10:01
Kobe is heating up. He just knocked down his third jumper in a row. Now he dishes an assist to an open Fisher to push the Lakers to a 17 point lead. T-Mac makes it a 14 point game, but Kobe goes back down and chips away at McGrady’s shot with a fadeaway jumper.
10:04
Just in case you are wondering, we are watching South Park…but I do get to see the game via Picture-in-Picture. Also, I’m getting live updates via CBS Sportsline’s website.
10:08
Kobe knocks down his fourth straight jumper and follows it up by blocking Yao on the defensive end! HOLY S***!
10:10
Thanks to South Park, I am not exactly sure what happened, but it appears McGrady hurt himself on the last play. Surprise, surprise. By the way, what should the over/under on games he and Yao miss this year be? Forty? Forty-five? This is why I don’t believe the Rockets can win a title. They are too soft. Plus, I’d like to see them win a playoff series before I consider them serious contenders.
10:14
Kobe drills a pull-up three pointer, Houston responds with another three, and we head to the half as the Lakers lead 61-49. Just for the record, Kobe started the game 1-7, but finished the half 6-7. The rest of his stat line is: 18 points, 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 1 block (ON YAO!!!), and 1 steal.
10:21
Well, it appears the Celtics are continuing to ass rape the competition, as witnessed by their shellacking of the New Jersey Nets. And the Heat lose again, even with Dwyane Wade playing. Oh, and did I mention that they lost to the previously winless Sonics?
10:33
Perfect timing! We were able to watch South Park while the game was at half time, so I actually ended up missing very little of the game.
10:34
This just in, it appears that McGrady strained a muscle in his left elbow and is being taken to a hospital to analyze how serious the injury actually is. Needless to say, he won’t be back in this game.
10:36
Kwame is handling the ball unguarded at the top of the key… “pop it, Kwame!” And as the shot clock winds down on the same possession, Ronny Turiaff knocks down another twenty footer. If he keeps this up, teams will have to start respecting this shot, opening up L.A.’s offense.
10:39
I really wish Lamar Odom would refrain from shooting so many three pointers. I mean, unless he is absolutely wide open, I would prefer he move the ball. On the last possession, he put up an contested three with about 15 seconds left on the shot clock.
10:40
This is familiar: Kobe places a perfect inside pass to Kwame, Kwame fumbles it away.
10:41
Houston is on a bit of a run and following a foul, the Rockets have an opportunity to cut the Lakers lead down to five. And they do. I think it is time for Kobe to take over for a while. He gets hammered on a shot attempt, but no call is made. Bonzi Wells is called for traveling immediately at the other end. A make-up call, perhaps?
10:43
Nice. Derek Fisher just sunk a running hook shot. Houston is starting to get three-happy, which might allow L.A. to stem the tide.
10:45
It’s kind of funny, Bonzi Wells has arguably been Houston’s best player tonight. This is the same guy that almost led Sacramento to a playoff series victory over the Spurs two years ago, bolted town to go to Houston last year, and rotted away on the end of the bench. Hmmm, who coached this team last year? Oh yeah, Van Gundy. No wonder his performance tonight is being ignored by the analysts.
10:48
L.A. is really starting to get offensively constipated. They really need to bring Radmanovic off the bench, because he has had a hot hand tonight. As much as I love Fish, Farmar has been lights out tonight as well. They just need to shake things up before their lead dwindles down to nothing. Especially since it is now a one point game.
10:52
Come on, get selfish Kobe! Nevermind. Fisher knocks down a tough jumper in traffic.
10:54
That’s interesting. Van Gundy just stated something that I didn’t know (and I am not trying to say that to insinuate I know everything about basketball, because it is far from it). As Lamar Odom dove for he loose ball, he slid across the floor a bit with the ball in hand. In college, that is traveling, but in the pros, it isn’t. Nice job, Jeff, this is what an announcer is supposed to do.
10:58
Vlad and Farmar both check in. I wonder if Phil read my thoughts. S***. Forget the lame attempt at humor, we have bigger things to worry about. Shane Battier just knocked down a three to tie the game at 71. (I still haven’t forgiven him for stealing that game against the Lakers on opening night.)
11:00
Good defensive rotation after a double-team on Yao allowed L.A. to keep Houston from getting the lead. After a long rebound, Maurice Evans gets fouled on a fastbreak and…makes one of two free throws, 72-71 Lakers.
11:02
There you go, Maurice. This is what you are supposed to do. Evans hits an open three-pointer from the corner to give the Lakers a four point edge.
11:04
The analysts are discussing it right now, but it deserves more recognition: Mutumbo is one of the most compassionate giving people on the planet. He is an ambassador for the league and his charitable efforts (most notably, the hospital he built in the Congo) should make him a candidate for “Sportsman of the Year” every year until he retires.
11:05
As the third quarter comes to a close, Jordan Farmar air balls a last-second three pointer. Something tells me that this isn’t exactly what Phil Jackson had in mind for his team to run on the last play of the period.
11:07
After seeing its 47th commercial of the telecast, I still have absolutely no desire to see the movie “Beowulf.”
11:09
I know I have alluded to it before, but I love it when Van Gundy gets asked about what he would do if he were in Rick Adelman’s shoes. In not so many words, he is basically being asked “we know your ass got canned by this team last year since they felt you were not an adequate coach, but what would you do here?”
11:10
Bonzi Wells, who just let Luke Walton knock down a turnaround jumper in his face on the other end, just nailed a three pointer to make it a 77-75 game, Lakers.
11:11
I just witnessed a visual definition of “embarrassment.” Maurice Evans just got stuffed by the 44 year-old Dikembe Mutumbo. However, I am disappointed that I did not see the finger wag.
11:13
They have not yet surrendered the lead, but the Lakers sorely need Kobe to come back into the game. He needs to properly be in the flow of the game so he can be in a good position to close the game. As I type, Bonzi Wells ties the game and the Lakers turn it back over to the Rockets. Thankfully, Rafer Alston can’t hit anything tonight, and his three-point attempt clanks off the back iron.
11:14
Maurice Evans hits a jumper on the other end to give the Lakers a two point lead, but then does something totally ignorant. He wags a finger in the face of Mutumbo. Maybe he isn’t aware that Dikembe wasn’t guarding him on that shot, so he really didn’t get revenge. Hence, the finger wag kind of makes him look like a dumbass.
11:17
Wells is fouled and heading to the line for some go-ahead free throws. Thankfully, Bryant and Odom check back into the game. Game-on now, bitches! Hey, if the last game is an indicator, the Lakers should be good for at least ten points in the last minute. As I type, Kobe turns it on to “Kill Mode” and knocks down a jumper (and it is arguable that he was fouled on the play).
11:22
Damn. That is TWO straight plays where Lamar Odom committed an offensive foul, and unfortunately, they were both good calls. Don’t look now, but with the game tied and under six minutes, we seem to be headed for a helluva finish.
11:25
I’ll get to more on this later, but how bizarre has the Marbury/Thomas feud been within the Knicks organization?
11:26
Yao gives Houston its first lead since the first quarter with a nifty turnaround over Kwame. Thankfully, he can not do the same thing two trips in a row.
11:27
Kobe knocks down his 23rd and 24th points with another turnaround jumper, 83-83.
11:28
Hey Adidas, way to play on some sensitive racial stereotypes with the “We Not Me” commercials. What am I talking about? Let me use this line from “Airplane” to allude to my point: “Excuse me, I speak jive.”
11:29
It will be a shame if the Lakers lose tonight, because they have played A LOT better than a 3-4 record would indicate.
11:33
Fish knocks down a couple free throws to give L.A. an 85-83 lead.
11:35
Now Kobe knocks down a pair of freebies to give the Lakers an 87-83 advantage.
11:37
Yao hits one of two free throws to make it 87-84, L.A.
11:38
Now Yao is heading back to the line for two more. It’s competitive, but it isn’t exactly the exciting finish that I had hoped it would be. At any rate, it is a two point game with 2:01 remaining.
11:39
Kobe hits another jumper, Lakers by four.
11:40
Yawn. Back at the line is Yao, who again goes 1-2, making it a three point game.
11:41
The Lakers turn it over. May I ask why Kobe did not touch the ball on this possession?
11:42
With 44.1 seconds left, Bonzi Wells is heading to the line in hopes to cut the Lakers lead to one. Van Gundy keeps ripping the Lakers for not understanding how to defend Wells, but this is the same guy who didn’t know how to play the man who he keeps praising. As I critique the analysts, the Rockets failed to cut into the Lakers lead even with about five offensive rebounds. Now Bynum, who was fouled after finally getting a rebound, pushes the lead to five with 23.9 seconds left.
11:44
I would also like to note that the Rockets are out of timeouts, so, barring some boneheaded play, if the Lakers can hit their free throws, they will win the game.
11:46
Yao gets fouled on a loose ball, and, since the Lakers are in the penalty, will go to the line with the clock stopped at 19.9 seconds. He makes both to cut the lead to three.
11:47
The Lakers inbound the ball to Kobe and…he knocks down the first, and…puts in the second. Lakers by five. This also gives Kobe thirty points on the night.
11:50
In a shocking move, Yao holds the inbound for about ten seconds (great trap defense by Kwame), panics, dishes to a covered Battier, who clanks a three, which is rebounded by Yao WHO IS FOULED, AND ONE! WHAT? WHY? And Yao executes a perfect intentional miss, gets it to Alston who…narrowly misses the tying three. Holy crap. That was WAY too close for comfort. But the Lakers hold on for a tough 93-90 win.
11:53
Kobe’s final stat line: 30 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists, 1 block (again, ON YAO!!!), and 1 steal. It should be noted that once again, he knocked down jumpers down the stretch to propel the Lakers to the victory.
QUICK HITS
--C.C. Sabathia was announced as the winner of the 2007 Cy Young Award. Now, I understand these awards are voted on prior to the playoffs, but knowing what we do know about the performances of Sabathia and Josh Beckett, who doesn’t think that the sports writers who voted for Cleveland’s ace deserve a big “ASS” stamp on their forehead.
--I understand that the guy has knee and shoulder problems, but how long will his teammates be able to hold back from popping off to the media about Dwyane Wade. I’m sure they get sick and tired of hearing “well, I could play, but I am not quite at 100%, and I want to take my time to make sure I can return close to all-star form.” I’m waiting for this Shaq quote: “Hey, what the hell is going on? Say what you want about me, but at least my fat ass is on the floor. Dwyane has got to get back on the court. F***. Kobe never milked injuries like this.”
--I would really like to be excused for this admittedly sexist comment, but I can not stand women sports writers. They wouldn’t be so bad if they tried to put a different spin on sports, but all they do is “impersonate” their male constituents. Every woman sports writer comes off to me like they forced themselves to get educated about, and watch certain, sports. It just does not seem like it comes naturally to them. Additionally, I also get tired of seeing Tony Reali give twenty bonus points to Jackie MacMullan for having a vagina.
--Speaking of MacMullan, I love the name of the paper who employs her, “The Boston Globe.” Am I the only person who giggles at this? It sounds slightly less ridiculous than “The Daily Planet.”
--Wow, as I type, a big NFL story is being broken by Chris Mortensen. Apparently Ricky Williams has run out of money to purchase marijuana, and will be reinstated by the league. I’m just curious, how long will this guy actually be in demand? Are we going to see another failed drug test, followed by another comeback? Will this pattern continue until he is 50? It’s a shame, because Williams seems like a really nice guy…he just likes to puff the magic dragon.
--Oh, and another type of sports writer who I despise: the name dropper. Examples of this: Jemele Hill, Peter King, Dr. Z, and Mike Lupica, among others. King constantly references his personal phone calls with players and coaches, as well as post-game text messages. Dr. Z, on the other hand, is more subtle. He will just matter-of-factly reminisce about conversations had with legendary NFL figures. No matter how it is presented, name-dropping takes away from any writers work.
--So, I was on the phone with Mick Jagger today…
--How in the hell do you go about becoming a high profile sports agent? Do you wake up one morning and think “you know, I am pretty good at being a greedy, pretentious asshole, why don’t I give Alex Rodriguez a call?” Is that all it takes?
--Do you realize that up until I saw an A&E special advertised today, I was under the impression that “The Battle of the Bulge” was an argument between a general and his wife over whether his pants were too tight?
--I feel sorry for O.J. Simpson. I mean, I guess it is universally assumed that he was guilty for the murder of his wife and friend, but the man was still found not guilty through our judicial system. I personally feel that this new case is a witch hunt to correct the presumed mistake made over ten years ago. He may very well be guilty of the current charges brought against him, but he should be innocent until proven guilty, a luxury that I don’t think he has been given this time around.
--That being said, if O.J. is guilty for bringing guns into the room of the memorabilia owners, what do you think ran through their minds as Simpson walked through the door? Based on their probable preconceived notions, I’m guessing it was something like: “Oh, My God! It’s Juice! What is he doing with that gun?! Oh, God! Are those Isotoners?! We’re screwed!”
--Totally Random Thought (herein referred to as TRT, unless I just forget): I love Ellen Degeneres…she is absolutely hilarious.
--TRT 2: I want to be an NBC page.
--I have not officially made an announcement of this yet (what in the hell am I doing, you may ask, running for office?), but, at least for this season, I (barely) like Sean Salisbury. I don’t know what happened, I mean, don’t get me wrong, the annoying habits are all there: the ridiculous ego, the juvenile jokes, the smug satisfaction he derives from making juvenile jokes, the amazing ability to have a personal anecdote involving anyone who has ever been affiliated with the NFL since its inception, etc. But this year, he has not been as much of a moron. Take the Patriots for example: no matter how you feel about this situation, you have to admit that some pundits went way overboard on the shots they take at the team following Spy-gate (It is especially damning since they are supposed to be impartial, at least on television [they are allowed opinions on radio shows, which is just one reason I prefer sports radio to television]). Salisbury wasn’t one of them. He didn’t exactly praise New England for what they did, but he essentially called anyone who challenged the team’s legacy an idiot. And for that, I am now willing to move him into the “LIKE” column. Also, the man has gotten a lot quicker on his feet. Take, for instance, a couple examples of his improving wit on the “Four Downs” segment that he and John Clayton shoot for Sportscenter (I also would like to say I don’t particularly care for Clayton…he is smart, but also very biased to certain teams, he is arrogant, and, come on, can you actually tolerate an NFL analyst who looks like a Muppet? In fact, I don’t even like calling him a Muppet, because it demeans Kermit and the gang.). I catch “Four Downs” sporadically, but over the course of this season, I have seen Salisbury make Clayton look like (and I want to dedicate a joke of this caliber to Sean) he belongs in a hardware store…because he is a tool. The first scenario came about when the two men were debating the pros and cons of various quarterbacks around the league. While discussing in-game performance, Clayton threw out this barb:
“Well Sean, it’s not like you have much room to talk on this, unless we are discussing quarterback experience from the sideline.”
And granted, Salisbury was pretty much a career backup, but take a gander at his response, which resulted in Clayton resorting to one of his go-to moves. The eye-roll, which is particularly annoying when he performs it. Anyone who can relate to what I am referring to can feel their blood boiling at this very moment.
“That may be the case, John, but I’ll tell you what. If I ever got sweaty heading to the locker room, guys like you were there to hand me a towel.”
Talk about getting bitch-slapped on national television! But wait, there is more. This past week, while discussing the fall-out from the Colts loss to the Chargers, the Cowboys and Packers dominating performances, and the Steelers gutsy win against the Browns, the two men each gave their power rankings. Salisbury went first: 1) Patriots, 2) Cowboys, 3) Steelers, 4) Colts, 5) Packers. Clayton followed, putting emphasis on the fact that these were the “experts” power rankings: 1) Patriots, 2) Cowboys, 3) Packers, 4) Colts, 5) Steelers. Salisbury pulled one of his annoying ego-massaging maneuvers by proclaiming that the “experts” needed his expertise. Clayton reiterated that the “experts” had spoken. The two spent the next minute or so measuring johnsons. But at the conclusion of the segment (and, by the same token, argument), Salisbury asked a simple question: “you honestly think the Packers would beat the Steelers?” Clayton refused to answer…big mistake. Salisbury followed with something along the lines of “okay Mr. Expert, if the two teams played today, at Lambeau, who would win Pittsburgh or Green Bay. No answer from Clayton. More chastisement from Salisbury. As if ending the segment by remaining silent in the face of adversity, Clayton made the committed the biggest no-no of all…he mumbled one more thing about the “expert picks” and did the Clayton eye-roll. Salisbury had taken Clayton to task on national television, which had to bother the latter more than anyone considering the (obvious) pride he takes in his “superior” intelligence. It was probably like high school all over again for Clayton, with the lone exception being that Salisbury was not there to give him a wedgie (it was done via satellite, after all). I honestly doubled the amount of respect that I had for Salisbury just by watching this segment.
--At the conclusion of the Lakers/Rockets game, I found something a tad bit peculiar. The lead story on Sportscenter was the impending Yankees/Alex Rodriguez deal. Take a wild guess at who was giving analysis on this issue. No, not Charles Barkley, although you would have been close had you guessed the old “Round Mound of Rebound.” It was actually Stephen A. Smith. What baseball qualifications does he have besides being a Yankees fan? Was he sitting in the breakroom sipping on some coffee waiting to do some reactionary coverage of the night’s NBA games, only to have the SC producer come in: “Stephen put you motherf***ing microphone back on! John Kruk was just rushed to the hospital after suffering a massive coronary, we need someone to do the A-Rod story at the top of the hour!” Whether this is the case or not, the man can put forth an argument like no one else, so he wasn’t the worst candidate. Still, couldn’t they pull Tim Kurkjian out of his shift at Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for five minutes so he could discuss the Yankees story over the phone?*
--I actually watched this week’s Democratic presidential debate, and I have got to tell you, I was not at all disappointed. Given the fact that it does not reach the audience that the big-time 2008 Democrat/Rebulican debates do, these discussions are a lot more relaxed and personal. You also have a bunch of candidates who know that there is no chance in hell that they will get elected, so they never hesitate to crack a joke about or go for the jugular of an opponent. It’s like British parliament, without all of the cool accents. Anyway, I am only mentioning this, because Dennis Kucinich (a candidate whom I love, but who will never, ever, ever get the Democratic nomination) had one of the greatest lines of all-time. John Edwards (who is almost as smooth as Bill Clinton) gracefully side-stepped a question about the PATRIOT ACT.** Kucinich was next in line to be asked the same question, and he had this to say: “My fellow candidates have all taken turns ripping the PATRIOT ACT to shreds, and rightly so, but I would like to point out that I am the only person on this stage to have voted against its ratification.***” The moderator asked Kucinich why he voted against it, to which he replied: “Because I read it.”
--Dennis Kucinich will only be elected president if Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin are able to go snowboarding.^ But it’s a shame. In a time when Americans are pleading for politicians who don’t just say what the voter wants to hear, “flip-flop,” or create a private agenda, Kucinich is seemingly the ideal candidate. Look at his track record on hot button issues: we’ve already established that he is the only candidate who can say that he voted to block the PATRIOT ACT, he voted against an invasion of Iraq from the get-go, he advocates pulling troops out as soon as he is elected (the specifics of which I still need to research), and he has consistently supported the idea of gay marriage. He is pretty much the only guy in the race who can give you straight answer on an issue, because he has nothing to hide. He may be telling Americans what they want to hear, but his voting record shows that he isn’t full of BS. He may be a little too liberal on some issues, but he provides an opportunity for Americans to vote for a person, not a personal agenda.
--My emotions have been rather bipolar when it comes to the issue of Kobe Bryant, but at this point, I am feeling very positive. It was reported this week, by ESPN’s Ric Bucher, that a deal was put in place to send Kobe Bryant to the Detroit Pistons for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, and Jason Maxiel (I’m assuming that the Pistons would also get some other pieces, but it wasn’t specified). However, Kobe invoked his no-trade clause and killed the transaction. Think about that. Kobe would have had the opportunity to play with Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, and a solid supporting cast…in the EAST. With Kobe in that lineup, the Pistons become automatic title contenders (if they aren’t already). It was actually later reported that Joe Dumars claimed that the rumor was bogus and that no deal was ever in place. Still, Bucher is usually pretty dead on, and it seems like Dumars is trying to save face with his players. If he denies that a Kobe deal was ever even discussed, no Piston feels unwanted. Look at the toll that the Kobe rumors took on the Chicago Bulls. Dumars doesn’t want that to happen with the Pistons. Whether it will remains to be seen. One thing, however, seems pretty evident to me: I think Kobe wants to stay in L.A. The Lakers are 5-3, coming off two huge wins against quality opponents (one being the aforementioned Pistons), everybody is clicking on the team right now, Bynum is playing better than expected, the bench has all of sudden become one of the NBA’s five best reserve squads, and Kobe is getting lots of rest, while his teammates continue to preserve leads. They have the ability to hang with anybody, and when you have a closer like Kobe Bryant on your team, that makes you very dangerous. I am not ready to say that they are title contenders, but they are playing better than they ever did last year. And last year’s squad would have been a fifty-win team had injuries not taken their toll. I believe an ESPN.com user put it best on a Lakers-related message board: “Kobe is finding the grass to be greenest out in L.A.” God, I can only hope so.
--I may despise the Indianapolis Colts with all of my heart, but those who claim that the Colts are in danger of missing the playoffs are crazy. Those who believe the Steelers will overtake them for the second seed might be on to something, however.
--It’s weird, but everytime I watch the forecast on The Weather Channel, the music creates the ambiance of a grocery store.
--Just a heads up, the next column will cover, but won’t necessarily be limited to, the Barry Bonds story. Also, look for some NBA and NFL coverage. Oh, and don’t be surprised for some Lakers analysis, but you probably expected that.
WEEK 11 NFL PICKS
(Abridged; Home Team in Caps)
Cleveland over BALTIMORE
JACKSONVILLE over San Diego
PHILADELPHIA over Miami
MINNESOTA over Oakland
INDIANAPOLIS over Kansas City
GREEN BAY over Carolina
DETROIT over New York Giants
Tampa Bay over ATLANTA
New Orleans over HOUSTON
Arizona over CINCINNATI
Pittsburgh over NEW YORK JETS
Chicago over SEATTLE (I think Rex will have a big day)
St. Louis over SAN FRANCISCO
DALLAS over Washington
New England over BUFFALO
Tennessee over DENVER
*If you are having trouble with this joke, just think about the employees of Wonka’s factory.
**For those who are unfamiliar with the PATRIOT ACT, here is a brief description: it was a hastily written bill (about a month after September 11th, which is a little too hastily, if you ask 9/11 Truthers, but we won’t go there at this point) which was snuck in with a package of bills that permitted many politicians (mostly Democrats) to begrudgingly pass it along (plus, voting against the PATRIOT ACT at a time when patriotic fervor rippled through our country would have been career suicide for many politicians). It has already been found to be unconstitutional once, yet even after its modification, it still permits the government to tap a person’s phones, follow a person, look at a person’s internet history, search through personal documents, and much more. Oh yeah, they can do all this WITHOUT a warrant. They just have to suspect you of being a terrorist. What’s more, the government does not have to alert the person who is being investigated as long as they claim that the person is a suspect through the PATRIOT ACT. Uh, I’ll take “Profiling” for $500, Alex.
***Another candidate, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson had the second greatest line of the night, when he said: “Dennis, you keep lumping me in with all of these other congressman, but I am governor of New Mexico, I don’t have a vote on the issues that you say I voted on.”
^Although, in all seriousness, both men could actually be in Heaven, we don’t know.
Hey, the L.A. Lakers are playing on national television again, so do you know what that means? That’s right, another running diary!
9:09
We kick things off with Jeff Van Gundy’s comment that “no one is playing better than Tracy McGrady right now.” It doesn’t really matter at all this early in the season, but I think there is a certain power forward in Boston who might have something to say about that.
9:11
L.A. wins the tip and we are under way. Kobe is off on a turnaround jumper and Houston heads back down the court.
9:13
Lakers jump out to a 4-0 lead. In other news, it appears that it isn’t an anomaly: Ronny Turiaff has cultivated a 20 foot jump shot this off-season. A strong left-handed move (surprise, surprise) from Odom makes it 6-2.
9:16
Jeff Van Gundy just dropped another pearl of wisdom: “Tracy McGrady is the second best decision maker behind Steve Nash in the NBA.” Really? I’ll research some turnover, FG% stats later, but I would like to think that Jason Kidd, Deron Williams, or other quality point guards would dispute this. Do you think the fact that Van Gundy coached McGrady for quite some time clouds his judgement?
9:18
McGrady knocks down a jumper to cut L.A.’s lead to 10-4. If I am the Lakers I will let him have that all night. As long as he has to shoot over a defender, he won’t be have a good percentage.
9:20
Turiaff got put on his ass by Yao, but Kwame Brown needs to take a note a page from Ronny’s book when it comes to aggressiveness. Surprisingly, Van Gundy disputes the foul. I really don’t mind Jeff, but it is borderline unbearable to listen to him cover a Rockets game.
9:22
Both teams may be a little gassed down the stretch, as they are each on the second half of a back-to-back. I’m not so concerned with that as I am enlightening you on some of the comments made by Phil Jackson last night in terms of his teams, um, performance:
“(Responding to a question pertaining to the Spurs ability to get into the lane) We call this a Brokeback Mountain game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts."
His juvenile, politically incorrect (yet slightly funny) comments cost him a slap on the wrist from the league. He has apologized at least twice today for what he said. Wow.
9:27
Holy crap! Derek Fisher was fouled by Yao as he was about to beat him out of a rebound. Fisher rebounding over Yao? This play aside, I still think Yao plays very small a little too often.
9:30
After Lamar Odom, who is playing very well for a man who is coming off of knee and shoulder surgery, finishes a nifty fastbreak lay-up, Kwame Brown let’s Bonzi Wells come down and finish an “and one” on him. Look Kwame, either let him score or put his ass on the floor. If you are going to foul him, foul him. I can see why Phil Jackson gave you the nickname “pussy” last year.
9:31
Ah, commercial break. Now I can get some more sugar-free Jello. I swear that this stuff is becoming like my heroin.
9:35
Just when Houston overtakes L.A.’s lead, Kobe gets on the board, knocking down a three-pointer to give the Lakers a 22-20 advantage.
9:36
Van Gundy, while explaining how Luis Scola won the MVP at the FIBA Olympic Qualifier this summer, says that he understands the mindset of the voters (Scola had no help en route to a 38 point loss to the U.S.), they should have given it to “LeBron or Bryant or somebody.” No, Jeff. It had to be Kobe. He set the tone on the defensive end for the entire team. He will be the reason the U.S. wins the gold in 2008, if indeed they make it through the tournament victoriously.
9:40
Awesome. Another “Where Amazing Happens” commercial. I’ve said it before, and I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I love these ads. The NBA did a tremendous job this year. However, I still believe that “NBA Cares” is the least creative name that a volunteer-based initiative can have.
9:43
For the last time, Maurice Evans, you are NOT Kobe Bryant. You can’t pull off an iso move and create your own jump shot. Why can’t he get this through his head?
9:44
L.A. is playing without Kobe at the start of the second quarter; this will be a big test for the bench. Things are starting off well, though, as Vlad Radmanovic knocks down a three to give the Lakers a 29-25 lead. Nice shot, Vladdy, of course, it’s only a year late.
9:46
Wow, the officials bailed him out by calling a foul that will put Yao on the line, but Luther Head (tee-hee, “Head”) just botched a straightforward lay-up by trying to reverse it. Yao makes both free throws, but back down on the other end Andrew Bynum makes a strong move and finishes with a dunk. And now Jordan Farmar kicks down a three. With Kobe on the bench, the Lakers have extended it to a 34-27 lead. And another Farmar three makes it 37-27.
9:49
While we are at a commercial break, I would like to interject a TRT (you will have to be sharp to remember what this stands for): Twizzlers and Diet Coke is a surprisingly amazing combination. For the past three days, this has been my late night snack of choice.
9:50
This will be blasphemy to some people, but I am hoping my roommate does not come in yet, because he will want to change the game to South Park…which starts in ten minutes. So I guess I should note that if there is a half hour gap between game notes, you will have an idea what happened.
9:52
You know, I understand that Mike James is a fraction of Andrew Bynum’s size, but how does a blatant shove from behind not get considered to be an intentional foul? Does anyone know? Anyway, as Andrew Bynum makes both free throws, it reminds me of his quote when he first came to the league: “I’m like Shaq except that I make free throws.” Talk about having some big, brass balls.
9:55
Following a Mike James three, the Lakers quickly push it back up court and Kobe dishes to Odom for a nice lay-up. This is something they would not have been able to do last year. I guess Phil Jackson’s implementation of an up-tempo style of play is paying off…so far.
9:57
Holy crap. Dwyane Wade was activated today and played a bit tonight. I’m warning you in advance that I will look like a dumbass in one of the Quick Hits below, but it was written earlier today, and I am keeping it for comedic value.
9:59
Kobe knocks down a transition jumper to make it a 45-33 lead for L.A. This will come across as gay, but I get giddy every single time Kobe pulls up for a shot.
10:01
Kobe is heating up. He just knocked down his third jumper in a row. Now he dishes an assist to an open Fisher to push the Lakers to a 17 point lead. T-Mac makes it a 14 point game, but Kobe goes back down and chips away at McGrady’s shot with a fadeaway jumper.
10:04
Just in case you are wondering, we are watching South Park…but I do get to see the game via Picture-in-Picture. Also, I’m getting live updates via CBS Sportsline’s website.
10:08
Kobe knocks down his fourth straight jumper and follows it up by blocking Yao on the defensive end! HOLY S***!
10:10
Thanks to South Park, I am not exactly sure what happened, but it appears McGrady hurt himself on the last play. Surprise, surprise. By the way, what should the over/under on games he and Yao miss this year be? Forty? Forty-five? This is why I don’t believe the Rockets can win a title. They are too soft. Plus, I’d like to see them win a playoff series before I consider them serious contenders.
10:14
Kobe drills a pull-up three pointer, Houston responds with another three, and we head to the half as the Lakers lead 61-49. Just for the record, Kobe started the game 1-7, but finished the half 6-7. The rest of his stat line is: 18 points, 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 1 block (ON YAO!!!), and 1 steal.
10:21
Well, it appears the Celtics are continuing to ass rape the competition, as witnessed by their shellacking of the New Jersey Nets. And the Heat lose again, even with Dwyane Wade playing. Oh, and did I mention that they lost to the previously winless Sonics?
10:33
Perfect timing! We were able to watch South Park while the game was at half time, so I actually ended up missing very little of the game.
10:34
This just in, it appears that McGrady strained a muscle in his left elbow and is being taken to a hospital to analyze how serious the injury actually is. Needless to say, he won’t be back in this game.
10:36
Kwame is handling the ball unguarded at the top of the key… “pop it, Kwame!” And as the shot clock winds down on the same possession, Ronny Turiaff knocks down another twenty footer. If he keeps this up, teams will have to start respecting this shot, opening up L.A.’s offense.
10:39
I really wish Lamar Odom would refrain from shooting so many three pointers. I mean, unless he is absolutely wide open, I would prefer he move the ball. On the last possession, he put up an contested three with about 15 seconds left on the shot clock.
10:40
This is familiar: Kobe places a perfect inside pass to Kwame, Kwame fumbles it away.
10:41
Houston is on a bit of a run and following a foul, the Rockets have an opportunity to cut the Lakers lead down to five. And they do. I think it is time for Kobe to take over for a while. He gets hammered on a shot attempt, but no call is made. Bonzi Wells is called for traveling immediately at the other end. A make-up call, perhaps?
10:43
Nice. Derek Fisher just sunk a running hook shot. Houston is starting to get three-happy, which might allow L.A. to stem the tide.
10:45
It’s kind of funny, Bonzi Wells has arguably been Houston’s best player tonight. This is the same guy that almost led Sacramento to a playoff series victory over the Spurs two years ago, bolted town to go to Houston last year, and rotted away on the end of the bench. Hmmm, who coached this team last year? Oh yeah, Van Gundy. No wonder his performance tonight is being ignored by the analysts.
10:48
L.A. is really starting to get offensively constipated. They really need to bring Radmanovic off the bench, because he has had a hot hand tonight. As much as I love Fish, Farmar has been lights out tonight as well. They just need to shake things up before their lead dwindles down to nothing. Especially since it is now a one point game.
10:52
Come on, get selfish Kobe! Nevermind. Fisher knocks down a tough jumper in traffic.
10:54
That’s interesting. Van Gundy just stated something that I didn’t know (and I am not trying to say that to insinuate I know everything about basketball, because it is far from it). As Lamar Odom dove for he loose ball, he slid across the floor a bit with the ball in hand. In college, that is traveling, but in the pros, it isn’t. Nice job, Jeff, this is what an announcer is supposed to do.
10:58
Vlad and Farmar both check in. I wonder if Phil read my thoughts. S***. Forget the lame attempt at humor, we have bigger things to worry about. Shane Battier just knocked down a three to tie the game at 71. (I still haven’t forgiven him for stealing that game against the Lakers on opening night.)
11:00
Good defensive rotation after a double-team on Yao allowed L.A. to keep Houston from getting the lead. After a long rebound, Maurice Evans gets fouled on a fastbreak and…makes one of two free throws, 72-71 Lakers.
11:02
There you go, Maurice. This is what you are supposed to do. Evans hits an open three-pointer from the corner to give the Lakers a four point edge.
11:04
The analysts are discussing it right now, but it deserves more recognition: Mutumbo is one of the most compassionate giving people on the planet. He is an ambassador for the league and his charitable efforts (most notably, the hospital he built in the Congo) should make him a candidate for “Sportsman of the Year” every year until he retires.
11:05
As the third quarter comes to a close, Jordan Farmar air balls a last-second three pointer. Something tells me that this isn’t exactly what Phil Jackson had in mind for his team to run on the last play of the period.
11:07
After seeing its 47th commercial of the telecast, I still have absolutely no desire to see the movie “Beowulf.”
11:09
I know I have alluded to it before, but I love it when Van Gundy gets asked about what he would do if he were in Rick Adelman’s shoes. In not so many words, he is basically being asked “we know your ass got canned by this team last year since they felt you were not an adequate coach, but what would you do here?”
11:10
Bonzi Wells, who just let Luke Walton knock down a turnaround jumper in his face on the other end, just nailed a three pointer to make it a 77-75 game, Lakers.
11:11
I just witnessed a visual definition of “embarrassment.” Maurice Evans just got stuffed by the 44 year-old Dikembe Mutumbo. However, I am disappointed that I did not see the finger wag.
11:13
They have not yet surrendered the lead, but the Lakers sorely need Kobe to come back into the game. He needs to properly be in the flow of the game so he can be in a good position to close the game. As I type, Bonzi Wells ties the game and the Lakers turn it back over to the Rockets. Thankfully, Rafer Alston can’t hit anything tonight, and his three-point attempt clanks off the back iron.
11:14
Maurice Evans hits a jumper on the other end to give the Lakers a two point lead, but then does something totally ignorant. He wags a finger in the face of Mutumbo. Maybe he isn’t aware that Dikembe wasn’t guarding him on that shot, so he really didn’t get revenge. Hence, the finger wag kind of makes him look like a dumbass.
11:17
Wells is fouled and heading to the line for some go-ahead free throws. Thankfully, Bryant and Odom check back into the game. Game-on now, bitches! Hey, if the last game is an indicator, the Lakers should be good for at least ten points in the last minute. As I type, Kobe turns it on to “Kill Mode” and knocks down a jumper (and it is arguable that he was fouled on the play).
11:22
Damn. That is TWO straight plays where Lamar Odom committed an offensive foul, and unfortunately, they were both good calls. Don’t look now, but with the game tied and under six minutes, we seem to be headed for a helluva finish.
11:25
I’ll get to more on this later, but how bizarre has the Marbury/Thomas feud been within the Knicks organization?
11:26
Yao gives Houston its first lead since the first quarter with a nifty turnaround over Kwame. Thankfully, he can not do the same thing two trips in a row.
11:27
Kobe knocks down his 23rd and 24th points with another turnaround jumper, 83-83.
11:28
Hey Adidas, way to play on some sensitive racial stereotypes with the “We Not Me” commercials. What am I talking about? Let me use this line from “Airplane” to allude to my point: “Excuse me, I speak jive.”
11:29
It will be a shame if the Lakers lose tonight, because they have played A LOT better than a 3-4 record would indicate.
11:33
Fish knocks down a couple free throws to give L.A. an 85-83 lead.
11:35
Now Kobe knocks down a pair of freebies to give the Lakers an 87-83 advantage.
11:37
Yao hits one of two free throws to make it 87-84, L.A.
11:38
Now Yao is heading back to the line for two more. It’s competitive, but it isn’t exactly the exciting finish that I had hoped it would be. At any rate, it is a two point game with 2:01 remaining.
11:39
Kobe hits another jumper, Lakers by four.
11:40
Yawn. Back at the line is Yao, who again goes 1-2, making it a three point game.
11:41
The Lakers turn it over. May I ask why Kobe did not touch the ball on this possession?
11:42
With 44.1 seconds left, Bonzi Wells is heading to the line in hopes to cut the Lakers lead to one. Van Gundy keeps ripping the Lakers for not understanding how to defend Wells, but this is the same guy who didn’t know how to play the man who he keeps praising. As I critique the analysts, the Rockets failed to cut into the Lakers lead even with about five offensive rebounds. Now Bynum, who was fouled after finally getting a rebound, pushes the lead to five with 23.9 seconds left.
11:44
I would also like to note that the Rockets are out of timeouts, so, barring some boneheaded play, if the Lakers can hit their free throws, they will win the game.
11:46
Yao gets fouled on a loose ball, and, since the Lakers are in the penalty, will go to the line with the clock stopped at 19.9 seconds. He makes both to cut the lead to three.
11:47
The Lakers inbound the ball to Kobe and…he knocks down the first, and…puts in the second. Lakers by five. This also gives Kobe thirty points on the night.
11:50
In a shocking move, Yao holds the inbound for about ten seconds (great trap defense by Kwame), panics, dishes to a covered Battier, who clanks a three, which is rebounded by Yao WHO IS FOULED, AND ONE! WHAT? WHY? And Yao executes a perfect intentional miss, gets it to Alston who…narrowly misses the tying three. Holy crap. That was WAY too close for comfort. But the Lakers hold on for a tough 93-90 win.
11:53
Kobe’s final stat line: 30 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists, 1 block (again, ON YAO!!!), and 1 steal. It should be noted that once again, he knocked down jumpers down the stretch to propel the Lakers to the victory.
QUICK HITS
--C.C. Sabathia was announced as the winner of the 2007 Cy Young Award. Now, I understand these awards are voted on prior to the playoffs, but knowing what we do know about the performances of Sabathia and Josh Beckett, who doesn’t think that the sports writers who voted for Cleveland’s ace deserve a big “ASS” stamp on their forehead.
--I understand that the guy has knee and shoulder problems, but how long will his teammates be able to hold back from popping off to the media about Dwyane Wade. I’m sure they get sick and tired of hearing “well, I could play, but I am not quite at 100%, and I want to take my time to make sure I can return close to all-star form.” I’m waiting for this Shaq quote: “Hey, what the hell is going on? Say what you want about me, but at least my fat ass is on the floor. Dwyane has got to get back on the court. F***. Kobe never milked injuries like this.”
--I would really like to be excused for this admittedly sexist comment, but I can not stand women sports writers. They wouldn’t be so bad if they tried to put a different spin on sports, but all they do is “impersonate” their male constituents. Every woman sports writer comes off to me like they forced themselves to get educated about, and watch certain, sports. It just does not seem like it comes naturally to them. Additionally, I also get tired of seeing Tony Reali give twenty bonus points to Jackie MacMullan for having a vagina.
--Speaking of MacMullan, I love the name of the paper who employs her, “The Boston Globe.” Am I the only person who giggles at this? It sounds slightly less ridiculous than “The Daily Planet.”
--Wow, as I type, a big NFL story is being broken by Chris Mortensen. Apparently Ricky Williams has run out of money to purchase marijuana, and will be reinstated by the league. I’m just curious, how long will this guy actually be in demand? Are we going to see another failed drug test, followed by another comeback? Will this pattern continue until he is 50? It’s a shame, because Williams seems like a really nice guy…he just likes to puff the magic dragon.
--Oh, and another type of sports writer who I despise: the name dropper. Examples of this: Jemele Hill, Peter King, Dr. Z, and Mike Lupica, among others. King constantly references his personal phone calls with players and coaches, as well as post-game text messages. Dr. Z, on the other hand, is more subtle. He will just matter-of-factly reminisce about conversations had with legendary NFL figures. No matter how it is presented, name-dropping takes away from any writers work.
--So, I was on the phone with Mick Jagger today…
--How in the hell do you go about becoming a high profile sports agent? Do you wake up one morning and think “you know, I am pretty good at being a greedy, pretentious asshole, why don’t I give Alex Rodriguez a call?” Is that all it takes?
--Do you realize that up until I saw an A&E special advertised today, I was under the impression that “The Battle of the Bulge” was an argument between a general and his wife over whether his pants were too tight?
--I feel sorry for O.J. Simpson. I mean, I guess it is universally assumed that he was guilty for the murder of his wife and friend, but the man was still found not guilty through our judicial system. I personally feel that this new case is a witch hunt to correct the presumed mistake made over ten years ago. He may very well be guilty of the current charges brought against him, but he should be innocent until proven guilty, a luxury that I don’t think he has been given this time around.
--That being said, if O.J. is guilty for bringing guns into the room of the memorabilia owners, what do you think ran through their minds as Simpson walked through the door? Based on their probable preconceived notions, I’m guessing it was something like: “Oh, My God! It’s Juice! What is he doing with that gun?! Oh, God! Are those Isotoners?! We’re screwed!”
--Totally Random Thought (herein referred to as TRT, unless I just forget): I love Ellen Degeneres…she is absolutely hilarious.
--TRT 2: I want to be an NBC page.
--I have not officially made an announcement of this yet (what in the hell am I doing, you may ask, running for office?), but, at least for this season, I (barely) like Sean Salisbury. I don’t know what happened, I mean, don’t get me wrong, the annoying habits are all there: the ridiculous ego, the juvenile jokes, the smug satisfaction he derives from making juvenile jokes, the amazing ability to have a personal anecdote involving anyone who has ever been affiliated with the NFL since its inception, etc. But this year, he has not been as much of a moron. Take the Patriots for example: no matter how you feel about this situation, you have to admit that some pundits went way overboard on the shots they take at the team following Spy-gate (It is especially damning since they are supposed to be impartial, at least on television [they are allowed opinions on radio shows, which is just one reason I prefer sports radio to television]). Salisbury wasn’t one of them. He didn’t exactly praise New England for what they did, but he essentially called anyone who challenged the team’s legacy an idiot. And for that, I am now willing to move him into the “LIKE” column. Also, the man has gotten a lot quicker on his feet. Take, for instance, a couple examples of his improving wit on the “Four Downs” segment that he and John Clayton shoot for Sportscenter (I also would like to say I don’t particularly care for Clayton…he is smart, but also very biased to certain teams, he is arrogant, and, come on, can you actually tolerate an NFL analyst who looks like a Muppet? In fact, I don’t even like calling him a Muppet, because it demeans Kermit and the gang.). I catch “Four Downs” sporadically, but over the course of this season, I have seen Salisbury make Clayton look like (and I want to dedicate a joke of this caliber to Sean) he belongs in a hardware store…because he is a tool. The first scenario came about when the two men were debating the pros and cons of various quarterbacks around the league. While discussing in-game performance, Clayton threw out this barb:
“Well Sean, it’s not like you have much room to talk on this, unless we are discussing quarterback experience from the sideline.”
And granted, Salisbury was pretty much a career backup, but take a gander at his response, which resulted in Clayton resorting to one of his go-to moves. The eye-roll, which is particularly annoying when he performs it. Anyone who can relate to what I am referring to can feel their blood boiling at this very moment.
“That may be the case, John, but I’ll tell you what. If I ever got sweaty heading to the locker room, guys like you were there to hand me a towel.”
Talk about getting bitch-slapped on national television! But wait, there is more. This past week, while discussing the fall-out from the Colts loss to the Chargers, the Cowboys and Packers dominating performances, and the Steelers gutsy win against the Browns, the two men each gave their power rankings. Salisbury went first: 1) Patriots, 2) Cowboys, 3) Steelers, 4) Colts, 5) Packers. Clayton followed, putting emphasis on the fact that these were the “experts” power rankings: 1) Patriots, 2) Cowboys, 3) Packers, 4) Colts, 5) Steelers. Salisbury pulled one of his annoying ego-massaging maneuvers by proclaiming that the “experts” needed his expertise. Clayton reiterated that the “experts” had spoken. The two spent the next minute or so measuring johnsons. But at the conclusion of the segment (and, by the same token, argument), Salisbury asked a simple question: “you honestly think the Packers would beat the Steelers?” Clayton refused to answer…big mistake. Salisbury followed with something along the lines of “okay Mr. Expert, if the two teams played today, at Lambeau, who would win Pittsburgh or Green Bay. No answer from Clayton. More chastisement from Salisbury. As if ending the segment by remaining silent in the face of adversity, Clayton made the committed the biggest no-no of all…he mumbled one more thing about the “expert picks” and did the Clayton eye-roll. Salisbury had taken Clayton to task on national television, which had to bother the latter more than anyone considering the (obvious) pride he takes in his “superior” intelligence. It was probably like high school all over again for Clayton, with the lone exception being that Salisbury was not there to give him a wedgie (it was done via satellite, after all). I honestly doubled the amount of respect that I had for Salisbury just by watching this segment.
--At the conclusion of the Lakers/Rockets game, I found something a tad bit peculiar. The lead story on Sportscenter was the impending Yankees/Alex Rodriguez deal. Take a wild guess at who was giving analysis on this issue. No, not Charles Barkley, although you would have been close had you guessed the old “Round Mound of Rebound.” It was actually Stephen A. Smith. What baseball qualifications does he have besides being a Yankees fan? Was he sitting in the breakroom sipping on some coffee waiting to do some reactionary coverage of the night’s NBA games, only to have the SC producer come in: “Stephen put you motherf***ing microphone back on! John Kruk was just rushed to the hospital after suffering a massive coronary, we need someone to do the A-Rod story at the top of the hour!” Whether this is the case or not, the man can put forth an argument like no one else, so he wasn’t the worst candidate. Still, couldn’t they pull Tim Kurkjian out of his shift at Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for five minutes so he could discuss the Yankees story over the phone?*
--I actually watched this week’s Democratic presidential debate, and I have got to tell you, I was not at all disappointed. Given the fact that it does not reach the audience that the big-time 2008 Democrat/Rebulican debates do, these discussions are a lot more relaxed and personal. You also have a bunch of candidates who know that there is no chance in hell that they will get elected, so they never hesitate to crack a joke about or go for the jugular of an opponent. It’s like British parliament, without all of the cool accents. Anyway, I am only mentioning this, because Dennis Kucinich (a candidate whom I love, but who will never, ever, ever get the Democratic nomination) had one of the greatest lines of all-time. John Edwards (who is almost as smooth as Bill Clinton) gracefully side-stepped a question about the PATRIOT ACT.** Kucinich was next in line to be asked the same question, and he had this to say: “My fellow candidates have all taken turns ripping the PATRIOT ACT to shreds, and rightly so, but I would like to point out that I am the only person on this stage to have voted against its ratification.***” The moderator asked Kucinich why he voted against it, to which he replied: “Because I read it.”
--Dennis Kucinich will only be elected president if Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin are able to go snowboarding.^ But it’s a shame. In a time when Americans are pleading for politicians who don’t just say what the voter wants to hear, “flip-flop,” or create a private agenda, Kucinich is seemingly the ideal candidate. Look at his track record on hot button issues: we’ve already established that he is the only candidate who can say that he voted to block the PATRIOT ACT, he voted against an invasion of Iraq from the get-go, he advocates pulling troops out as soon as he is elected (the specifics of which I still need to research), and he has consistently supported the idea of gay marriage. He is pretty much the only guy in the race who can give you straight answer on an issue, because he has nothing to hide. He may be telling Americans what they want to hear, but his voting record shows that he isn’t full of BS. He may be a little too liberal on some issues, but he provides an opportunity for Americans to vote for a person, not a personal agenda.
--My emotions have been rather bipolar when it comes to the issue of Kobe Bryant, but at this point, I am feeling very positive. It was reported this week, by ESPN’s Ric Bucher, that a deal was put in place to send Kobe Bryant to the Detroit Pistons for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, and Jason Maxiel (I’m assuming that the Pistons would also get some other pieces, but it wasn’t specified). However, Kobe invoked his no-trade clause and killed the transaction. Think about that. Kobe would have had the opportunity to play with Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, and a solid supporting cast…in the EAST. With Kobe in that lineup, the Pistons become automatic title contenders (if they aren’t already). It was actually later reported that Joe Dumars claimed that the rumor was bogus and that no deal was ever in place. Still, Bucher is usually pretty dead on, and it seems like Dumars is trying to save face with his players. If he denies that a Kobe deal was ever even discussed, no Piston feels unwanted. Look at the toll that the Kobe rumors took on the Chicago Bulls. Dumars doesn’t want that to happen with the Pistons. Whether it will remains to be seen. One thing, however, seems pretty evident to me: I think Kobe wants to stay in L.A. The Lakers are 5-3, coming off two huge wins against quality opponents (one being the aforementioned Pistons), everybody is clicking on the team right now, Bynum is playing better than expected, the bench has all of sudden become one of the NBA’s five best reserve squads, and Kobe is getting lots of rest, while his teammates continue to preserve leads. They have the ability to hang with anybody, and when you have a closer like Kobe Bryant on your team, that makes you very dangerous. I am not ready to say that they are title contenders, but they are playing better than they ever did last year. And last year’s squad would have been a fifty-win team had injuries not taken their toll. I believe an ESPN.com user put it best on a Lakers-related message board: “Kobe is finding the grass to be greenest out in L.A.” God, I can only hope so.
--I may despise the Indianapolis Colts with all of my heart, but those who claim that the Colts are in danger of missing the playoffs are crazy. Those who believe the Steelers will overtake them for the second seed might be on to something, however.
--It’s weird, but everytime I watch the forecast on The Weather Channel, the music creates the ambiance of a grocery store.
--Just a heads up, the next column will cover, but won’t necessarily be limited to, the Barry Bonds story. Also, look for some NBA and NFL coverage. Oh, and don’t be surprised for some Lakers analysis, but you probably expected that.
WEEK 11 NFL PICKS
(Abridged; Home Team in Caps)
Cleveland over BALTIMORE
JACKSONVILLE over San Diego
PHILADELPHIA over Miami
MINNESOTA over Oakland
INDIANAPOLIS over Kansas City
GREEN BAY over Carolina
DETROIT over New York Giants
Tampa Bay over ATLANTA
New Orleans over HOUSTON
Arizona over CINCINNATI
Pittsburgh over NEW YORK JETS
Chicago over SEATTLE (I think Rex will have a big day)
St. Louis over SAN FRANCISCO
DALLAS over Washington
New England over BUFFALO
Tennessee over DENVER
*If you are having trouble with this joke, just think about the employees of Wonka’s factory.
**For those who are unfamiliar with the PATRIOT ACT, here is a brief description: it was a hastily written bill (about a month after September 11th, which is a little too hastily, if you ask 9/11 Truthers, but we won’t go there at this point) which was snuck in with a package of bills that permitted many politicians (mostly Democrats) to begrudgingly pass it along (plus, voting against the PATRIOT ACT at a time when patriotic fervor rippled through our country would have been career suicide for many politicians). It has already been found to be unconstitutional once, yet even after its modification, it still permits the government to tap a person’s phones, follow a person, look at a person’s internet history, search through personal documents, and much more. Oh yeah, they can do all this WITHOUT a warrant. They just have to suspect you of being a terrorist. What’s more, the government does not have to alert the person who is being investigated as long as they claim that the person is a suspect through the PATRIOT ACT. Uh, I’ll take “Profiling” for $500, Alex.
***Another candidate, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson had the second greatest line of the night, when he said: “Dennis, you keep lumping me in with all of these other congressman, but I am governor of New Mexico, I don’t have a vote on the issues that you say I voted on.”
^Although, in all seriousness, both men could actually be in Heaven, we don’t know.
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