10/22/07
******NOTE******
During the transfer to the new site, it appears that this particular column is missing some pictures that are intrical in understanding a certain point. If the pics aren't there, just keep in mind that the first one should be a supposed before/after picture of Bonds in terms of head size. The second one is a very similar picture of O.J. Simpson. The point of having these two pictures is...well...just read the post.
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Okay, I don’t really feel like constructing one lengthy column, so I’ll piece together some random notes I’ve jotted over the past week:
First up, for those who do not know (and this isn’t sports-related), Stephen Colbert, yes THAT Stephen Colbert, is running for the office of the president of the United States. When I first heard him say this, I was almost sure that it was a joke. I just assumed he was trying to be funny and garner attention to boost sales of his new book (“I Am America (And So Can You!), which is the funniest book title since Al Franken’s “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right). But apparently it is true…kind of. He is only running on the South Carolinian ballot. Additionally, he is running both as a Democrat and a Republican. Here are some of the questions I have about his pseudo-campaign:
--Can you legally run as a Democrat and a Republican? It seems like they would have some regulations to prevent this.
--He is actually getting a ton of support from his fans so far, but can this actually carry over into South Carolina’s primary?
--The United States has laws set in place to ensure that each presidential candidate gets equal face time on television (which is why NBC has to re-shoot certain scenes from many Law and Order episodes for syndication). Will Colbert’s television show break this law on a daily basis?
--Will anyone who does not watch his show even know who he is?
I kind of have a theory about Colbert’s presidential campaign. Since 2004, numerous comments have been made by the voting public stating that they wish they could vote for Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert. I think that this has intrigued the two to the point that they have cooked up a scheme to run in South Carolina. Why just one state? Because Stewart has stated time and again that he is no way qualified to be POTUS. Running in one state assures the impossibility for Colbert to NOT win. But it allows the duo to get an idea of how they would fair if they indeed entered the race. It’s like “Man of the Year” without the computer glitch and cheesy thriller plot.
Now, onto some quick hits:
--I finally got around to seeing “Across the Universe” (a movie/musical inspired by the music of the Beatles). It wasn’t bad, but I just can not stand hearing cover versions of Beatles’ music, so that took a little bit of the movie away from me personally. Plus, for some reason, in this movie (and not usually in real life), Evan Rachel Wood resembled a certain someone that I do not particularly care for (and Wood is dating Marilyn Manson; is this whole evil thing coincidental?).
--It’s one thing to be open-minded, but the fact that it is now not only legal, but encouraged, to provide middle-schoolers with birth control doesn’t seem right to me. I guess I see both sides of the argument, but these kids aren’t seventh and eighth graders. I don’t want to think about anyone that young bumping uglies (and yes, I just went for humor in a semi-serious not).
--I overheard someone saying that they believe that the person who runs the spotlight at a stage performance has one of the hardest jobs that no one talks about. This gave me an idea for what I think would be a funny SNL sketch: have an overly anxious/panicky be put in charge of running the spotlight. Think about it for a bit. It could be funny (you know, maybe give him a neurotic Jew voice (a la Woody Allen or early George Costanza) [please excuse the stereotype also] and don’t spare on the profusive sweat).
--I attended a Bob Dylan/Elvis Costello concert over the weekend. Costello was GREAT. His voice is as strong as ever, he had some impressive licks on guitar, and he not only serenaded the audience, he entertained it. Bob Dylan was very good as well. His voice, which wasn’t exactly great from the get-go, has been ravaged by years and years of smoking. Plus, although it is his calling card to be somewhat audience-oblivious, it would have been nice to have received some interaction. Still, he had a great mix of new and old songs and it’s nice to hear a living legend croon some of his old tunes.* He ended the show with “Mr. Tambourine Man” and his encore consisted of “Thunder on the Mountain (a key track from “Modern Times,” his newest album)” and “Blowin’ in the Wind (a song which is NOT about oral sex, for those who wondered).”
--This week’s “Sarah Silverman Program” was wildly inappropriate…yet equally hilarious.
--Anybody else see the Titans/Texans football game on Sunday? Holy Crap! (Of course, had Houston pulled off the comeback, I would have looked like a genius by default. Don’t believe me? Check out my pick for this game from the “All Hail the Pats” column.
--Unfortunately, due to regional broadcast issues, I was forced to watch said Titans/Texans game instead of the New England/Miami game and Chicago/Philadelphia instead of Minnesota/Dallas. Still, I found this little stat from the Cowboys game and thought it was worth noting: Tony Romo attempted 32 passes in the first half resulting in 7 points (although he did have two receivers fumble the ball away upon catching a pass) and 0 passes in the third quarter, which resulted in 14 Cowboys points.
--At roughly 2:30 p.m. this afternoon, I was awakened by my brother who called to ask if I was watching the Patriots game. At the time of his call, there was 6:30 left in the second quarter and NE was up 35-7 (with 4 TDs for Tom Brady). They went into the half up 42-7 (another TD for Brady), yet only won 49-28 (thanks to Brady’s sixth TD of the day). Amazingly, some had the audacity to claim Bill Belichick was running up the score on Miami. First off, I’d like to say that after all the shit NE took for Spy-Gate, they should have free rein to score on anyone as much as they would like. Secondly, keep in mind that most of the scoring took place in the first half. You can not call the dogs off in the second quarter, not in the NFL (just look at what can happen by using HOU/TEN as a reference). And as far as Brady’s sixth TD? He was subbed into the game after his backup had a pick returned for a touchdown. The lead was cut to 21 with plenty of time left and Brady provided insurance. Aside from this, Brady was either conservative or on the bench in the second half. The Pats didn’t run up the score. They are just THAT good (and the Dolphins are just THAT bad). (And do note, Colts fans, what your team would have looked like over the past five years with Brady in your driver’s seat.)
--I find that Kyle Orton resembles both Dave Grohl and Jake Plummer. As far as the latter name goes, I don’t think looking like Jake “the Fake” will do you any favors in terms of getting a starting gig in the NFL. It might get you a spot in a GEICO commercial but that’s about it (think about this joke for a second, it will come to you).
--Something I found funny in the Philly/Chicago game: in an attempt to appease the perpetually pissed off Philadelphia crowd, it took Ed Hochuli roughly 23 minutes to explain the “negative yardage fumbled snap is a false start” penalty.
--People might think the Eagles aren’t in top form, but I disagree. Did you notice Donovan McNabb’s lackadaisical play in the closing seconds of a one possession game? I think the team is in Super Bowl form.
--I’m pretty sure that Jacoby Ellsbury is only thirteen years old.
--Manny Ramirez’s arm raise in celebratory response to Dustin Pedroia’s home run (which is the same arm raise that he performs when he hits a home run) made me wonder: does Ramirez raise his arms for every insignificant triumph in life, as well?
Manny: Oh look honey, McDonald’s has the Monopoly game back, I hope we win.
“Instant Win: Medium Fries”
(Triumphant Arm Raise)
Manny’s Lady: Please baby, put your hands back on the steering wheel.
--I think that the error that the Indians made on the routine fly ball in the eighth inning was a microcosm of the entire season. The Indians apparently had it in the bag, but soon it became apparent that there might be trouble, things came unraveled, and the Red Sox came out on top.
--I don’t care how many innings of intrasquad ball a team plays, the eight day rest will hurt the Colorado Rockies. (But who do I think wins the series? Hmmm. Guess you will have to check back to find out.
--There is really no segue (it has to do with baseball, but that's it) for this next bit, and I'll admit, I wrote it thinking that it would be a longer column. But I'm sparing you all another rant, so it's basically just some random facts I have dished out for your enjoyment:
Okay, so I doubt any of you have heard of this guy, but he is a baseball player. His name is Barry Bonds. And whether you are aware of this or not, some people claim that he took STEROIDS. And we all know that taking steroids is just an eensy bit worse than beating up a quadriplegic. Anyhoo…
Below is perhaps the biggest case (no pun intended) against Barry Bonds in terms of whether or not he took steroids, right?
Well….
Take a look at this:
(Look at HIS head)
Do you STILL think that it is such an open and shut case?
Another reason why we should not jump to conclusions on the whole Barry Bonds saga: whoever is responsible for producing the arm brace Barry wears on his right arm to bait adamantly maintains that his arm size has not changed since he started making the braces for him during his time in Pittsburgh. Of course, does it matter? Brute strength does not give you an amazing baseball eye, great hand-eye coordination, a perfect swing, and extra distance on balls hit. If this were the case, professional wrestlers would be some of the most prolific hitters in MLB history. And besides, last time I checked, it’s innocent until proven guilty.** So maybe everyone should get off of their high horse and give this poor man a chance.
And last (but not least) of all is a new feature that I want to introduce. From now on (with varying degrees of regularity), if I see something cool (particularly video clips), I'll provide a link. I hope to eventually compile enough to create a new page devoted solely to links. But for now, just enjoy the goodness that is Conan O'Brien in a clip in which he meets God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76W52m8YI7o
*From the moment Dylan stepped on stage, I was just in awe of the man. I was essentially witnessing living history…this is the man who opened THE BEATLES up to the idea that they could write more than just love songs (and he also introduced them to pot, and we all know what wonders drugs did for their music [not that I am downplaying their early stuff, I’ll argue until the day I die that ALL of their music is more creative than…nevermind, this is too much to encompass in a footnote, but you get the idea). He is one of, if not the, biggest solo icons in blues, folk, and rock history. The money I paid to go to the concert was WELL spent.
**Don’t give me that “Greg Anderson is rotting in prison for him” bunk. If anything, this gives Bonds a stronger case. How so? Would you keep your mouth shut and do jail time for someone that you knew was guilty? I doubt it. And if Anderson would say Bonds is guilty, he would be punished for lying to the court if his innocence was proved.
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