Thanks a lot, Shaq. You put me through a lot of angst a few years back during your very public feud with Kobe. But then you patched things up, things were cool, right?
You shook his hand on Martin Luther King's Day, making amends on national television.
You said that you stood by Kobe "one thousand percent" when it was made clear that Dr. Jerry Buss, not Bryant as it has so often been assumed, was the one who ultimately sent you packing to Miami.
You said that Kobe was a worth recipient of this year's MVP trophy.
And you sounded congratulatory and downright proud whenever Mr. Bryant made it to his first NBA Finals without you.
So what gives!?
Why, after all of this, would you perform a freestyle rap that includes, among other things, these tidbits:
"Kobe couldn't do without me..."
"He's the reason I'm getting a divorce..."
"How's my ass taste, Kobe?"
We know, you said that you were merely frestyling, and that you meant nothing by the words that you spoke. But it didn't occur to you that in order to avoid a media firestorm, it might be best to ask someone else how your ass tastes? Now you've got ESPN aflutter (ESPN suit: "Yeah, another controversy we can pretend to debate about sporadically until the NBA season gets under way!") and you've put those of us who are fans of both you and Kobe into a tizzy--once again.
In order to get through this, I'm going to try and piece through the rationale you used when deciding to diss Kobe on stage. It should be noted that this whole thing was covered by TMZ (one of the many things contributing to the impending armageddon), so there is a good chance that you were merely goofing and blissfully unaware that the cameras were rolling.
Of course, this either means that you were under the impression you could joke (as you claim) due to the lack of coverage, or, you didn't see any cameras and decided to let your true feelings for Kobe out. Part of me is afraid that it is the latter. After all, your initial olive branch was only extended at the behest of Bill Russell (as you so publicly noted). Perhaps there is still ill will deep inside.
On the other hand, surely you realized that at least 75% of the attendees have some sort of video function on their phone. It's possible that you want to vent about Kobe, but you'd think that it would be under more private circumstances. Then again, maybe you just didn't think about video phones. That, however, leads us back to the 'no cameras/true feelings' argument.
Damn this vicious circle!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
That Empty Old Feeling...
Unfortunately, my local hardware store wouldn't sell me any rope once they had heard my suicidal grumblings (following the event that shall not be named--the one with all the worthless, drunk, racists on the East Coast). To that end, I'm still alive and kicking. Actually, I'm alive and eating a Heath bar. At any rate, I'd like to give you an inside look at the fallout of Game 6.
I'm not talking about anything pertaining to the game, just crap that ran through my mind. For example...
--I actually stuck things out with the Lakers and watched the entire game. I have invested a pathetic number of hours into this squad, so the least I could do was give one more hour. I kept the television on right until the moment that they interviewed Kevin Garnett. Whoa. I'm not sure if he has ever been interviewed for national television before, but I doubt that David Stern was happy with either half scream/half MF-laced grunt or the list of shout-outs that followed.
--As I was going to turn off the TV, they of course had to cut to Paul Pierce, with his phony, overly eager face that exudes cockiness. He must be well aware of the fact that he is a tier below an elite player, because he sure tries to make up for it with excessive arrogance.
(For those unfamiliar with Facebook, sorry for the 'inside jargon' that follows)
--Naturally, I'm quite pissed at this point. I flip on the ol' facebook and attempt to come up with a witty 'status.' Unfortunately, anything remotely funny exceeded the maximum number of characters and any attempts to cut it down made me seem like an excuse-making bitch...ironic, since it would pertain to Boston, huh? I can't even remember if I attempted more entries, because about that time, I noticed my friend's status read: 'Boston's up by 30 in 4th...they're gonna do it again!!!...I'm acting like a cock!!!!!' Okay, so I added the last part in, but his was something of similarly douchey ilk. I countered his move by creating a hastily written wall post that viciously attacked his status and the Boston Celtics. Actually it was three posts, because I twice exceeded the maximum number of characters.
--While you are probably expecting me to have some outrageous anecdote to share (something along the lines of me punching an obnoxious red head with the faint smell of alcohol and body odor), I unfortunately have none. Game four was the one that really sent me raging (see: preceding blog post). While I was still upset following game six, I understood the odds stacked against LA. Plus, the game was over at halftime, so I was able to accept things earlier than normal. Having said that, I do have a couple of thoughts looking back on the series--and I promise, no excuses, just observations.
--I'm convinced at this point that the character of Jackie Moon in Semi-Pro is loosely based on Doc Rivers. "I'm a motivator, I'm not an Xs and Os kinda guy!" Who does this sound like? The quote is attributed to Moon, but c'mon. Was there even one clip from a Boston huddle where Rivers said anything that strayed from the "Stay Tough!/Mental Toughness/We're Better/Execute!" formula? I missed about six quarters of action all total, but other than that I can't think of any instance that deviates from what I mentioned.
--During Game One, Marc Jackson pointed out that Doctor J, Bill Russell, and Magic Johnson were all in attendance. He went on to say that he could creat an "all-time lineup" that could "compete with anybody": the three aforementioned greats plus Kobe and Garnett. Um, I saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the crowd as well. Why don't we push KG out of the discussion, move Russell to Power Forward, insert Kareem at Center, and pretend that we didn't actually mention Garnett in the same breath as Kareem, sound cool? Of course it does.
--Sorry Marc Jackson, but the whole "you can be a champion without winning a championship" thing is BS...this isn't pee wee basketball.
Editor's Note:
--My apologies to Tiger Woods; I had made a joke about exaggerating his knee injury before learning that the man was playing on a torn ACL. In other news, Paul Pierce exaggerated the injury to his knee.
--Sorry to Curt Schilling. While I wished him ill will following his classless and thoroughly deep south, intolerant, racist, white trash redneck blog post about Kobe, I never actually though I would jinx his season and possibly his career. My bad.
I'm not talking about anything pertaining to the game, just crap that ran through my mind. For example...
--I actually stuck things out with the Lakers and watched the entire game. I have invested a pathetic number of hours into this squad, so the least I could do was give one more hour. I kept the television on right until the moment that they interviewed Kevin Garnett. Whoa. I'm not sure if he has ever been interviewed for national television before, but I doubt that David Stern was happy with either half scream/half MF-laced grunt or the list of shout-outs that followed.
--As I was going to turn off the TV, they of course had to cut to Paul Pierce, with his phony, overly eager face that exudes cockiness. He must be well aware of the fact that he is a tier below an elite player, because he sure tries to make up for it with excessive arrogance.
(For those unfamiliar with Facebook, sorry for the 'inside jargon' that follows)
--Naturally, I'm quite pissed at this point. I flip on the ol' facebook and attempt to come up with a witty 'status.' Unfortunately, anything remotely funny exceeded the maximum number of characters and any attempts to cut it down made me seem like an excuse-making bitch...ironic, since it would pertain to Boston, huh? I can't even remember if I attempted more entries, because about that time, I noticed my friend's status read: 'Boston's up by 30 in 4th...they're gonna do it again!!!...I'm acting like a cock!!!!!' Okay, so I added the last part in, but his was something of similarly douchey ilk. I countered his move by creating a hastily written wall post that viciously attacked his status and the Boston Celtics. Actually it was three posts, because I twice exceeded the maximum number of characters.
--While you are probably expecting me to have some outrageous anecdote to share (something along the lines of me punching an obnoxious red head with the faint smell of alcohol and body odor), I unfortunately have none. Game four was the one that really sent me raging (see: preceding blog post). While I was still upset following game six, I understood the odds stacked against LA. Plus, the game was over at halftime, so I was able to accept things earlier than normal. Having said that, I do have a couple of thoughts looking back on the series--and I promise, no excuses, just observations.
--I'm convinced at this point that the character of Jackie Moon in Semi-Pro is loosely based on Doc Rivers. "I'm a motivator, I'm not an Xs and Os kinda guy!" Who does this sound like? The quote is attributed to Moon, but c'mon. Was there even one clip from a Boston huddle where Rivers said anything that strayed from the "Stay Tough!/Mental Toughness/We're Better/Execute!" formula? I missed about six quarters of action all total, but other than that I can't think of any instance that deviates from what I mentioned.
--During Game One, Marc Jackson pointed out that Doctor J, Bill Russell, and Magic Johnson were all in attendance. He went on to say that he could creat an "all-time lineup" that could "compete with anybody": the three aforementioned greats plus Kobe and Garnett. Um, I saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the crowd as well. Why don't we push KG out of the discussion, move Russell to Power Forward, insert Kareem at Center, and pretend that we didn't actually mention Garnett in the same breath as Kareem, sound cool? Of course it does.
--Sorry Marc Jackson, but the whole "you can be a champion without winning a championship" thing is BS...this isn't pee wee basketball.
Editor's Note:
--My apologies to Tiger Woods; I had made a joke about exaggerating his knee injury before learning that the man was playing on a torn ACL. In other news, Paul Pierce exaggerated the injury to his knee.
--Sorry to Curt Schilling. While I wished him ill will following his classless and thoroughly deep south, intolerant, racist, white trash redneck blog post about Kobe, I never actually though I would jinx his season and possibly his career. My bad.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Curt Schilling is a White Trash Bitch
--I read Curt Schilling's blog about game two of the NBA Finals, and let me just say, what a fucking white trash piece of cunt. I'd live to kick that hill billy right in his fucking greasy vagina, the cock. Why don't you go home, throw on a 'Bush/Cheney 2004' t-shirt and fuck your mama in the ass, you know, the usual celebratory routine. Fucking inbred cocksucking dick. I had fond memories of the 2004 MLB Playoffs, thanks for retroactively tainting them, you cum guzzling, mama fucking, child molesting, sister fingering, poor excuse for Larry Bird animal dick stroker. Eat shit, fuck face. You've become the Red Sox answer to Roger Clemens you humpty-dumpty cunt. Here's to longer stints on the DL, cock juggler.
P.S.
Why don't you talk shit about Barry Bonds again? I hope he beats your ass with your own gerbil tube.
--If I read some fairy-ass garbled out shit from Bill Simmons about game 4 of the Lakers series, well, let's just say I would rather be raped Curt Schilling style (y'know, by wild animals with George Bush masks over their heads) than to read that shit. I don't even know if the predictable anti-Colts football columns could bring me back into his readership. I am pretty sure that the piece of shit is going to wax poetically about the comeback: "Doc Rivers started this year as the coach we loved to hate, now he is becoming our coach. Just listening to him rally the troops really sets the mood in the Sports Guy Mansion."
Here is what any reasonable observer would have to say about this:
"Just watched another finals game, and did Doc Rivers purchase 'Coaching Cliches for Inept Coaches' before the playoffs. How much more 'ra-ra, let's put it to 'em' bull shit can these fucking drunk ginger kids on the East Coast take? I'm sure Bill Simmons will get a woody for it, but I'd love for once if he'd actually point something out on his own team (sorta like, y'know, the inability to call a moving screen on Kevin Garnett). Instead, I guess we'll have to settle for cheap Kobe jokes* and mindless defenses of soft bitches (I don't give a shit if he was stabbed one hundred and eleven times, the motherfucker was at a night club, so I'm sure alcohol was involved and that he was not exactly the innocent bystander you make him out to be)."
*That's right Simmons, I have officially disowned you after your last column. Just because Paul Pierce is a little bitch and just because it isn't out of the realm of possibility that he faked his injury doesn't mean you have to be a fucking cunt and churn out a Kobe sexual assault joke whose creativity is beneath even the sperm living in my nutsack--or on your wife's face, of course, ironically unlike the cock-juggling cunt that accused Bryant of rape, we never know what your wife looks like, but that doesn't stop her from periodically taking anonymous cheap shots at anything and everything whenever ESPN.com decides to let her fill in for you. My guess is she is make-up whore who is just around the corner from Botox...and the type of woman who will send your spawn with you to Starbucks while your gardener does her dirty in your own bedroom.
P.S.
Why don't you talk shit about Barry Bonds again? I hope he beats your ass with your own gerbil tube.
--If I read some fairy-ass garbled out shit from Bill Simmons about game 4 of the Lakers series, well, let's just say I would rather be raped Curt Schilling style (y'know, by wild animals with George Bush masks over their heads) than to read that shit. I don't even know if the predictable anti-Colts football columns could bring me back into his readership. I am pretty sure that the piece of shit is going to wax poetically about the comeback: "Doc Rivers started this year as the coach we loved to hate, now he is becoming our coach. Just listening to him rally the troops really sets the mood in the Sports Guy Mansion."
Here is what any reasonable observer would have to say about this:
"Just watched another finals game, and did Doc Rivers purchase 'Coaching Cliches for Inept Coaches' before the playoffs. How much more 'ra-ra, let's put it to 'em' bull shit can these fucking drunk ginger kids on the East Coast take? I'm sure Bill Simmons will get a woody for it, but I'd love for once if he'd actually point something out on his own team (sorta like, y'know, the inability to call a moving screen on Kevin Garnett). Instead, I guess we'll have to settle for cheap Kobe jokes* and mindless defenses of soft bitches (I don't give a shit if he was stabbed one hundred and eleven times, the motherfucker was at a night club, so I'm sure alcohol was involved and that he was not exactly the innocent bystander you make him out to be)."
*That's right Simmons, I have officially disowned you after your last column. Just because Paul Pierce is a little bitch and just because it isn't out of the realm of possibility that he faked his injury doesn't mean you have to be a fucking cunt and churn out a Kobe sexual assault joke whose creativity is beneath even the sperm living in my nutsack--or on your wife's face, of course, ironically unlike the cock-juggling cunt that accused Bryant of rape, we never know what your wife looks like, but that doesn't stop her from periodically taking anonymous cheap shots at anything and everything whenever ESPN.com decides to let her fill in for you. My guess is she is make-up whore who is just around the corner from Botox...and the type of woman who will send your spawn with you to Starbucks while your gardener does her dirty in your own bedroom.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Lakers/Celtics, thoughts after two games
Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?), I have only been able to see roughly three of the first eight quarters of the NBA Finals. Here are some of my thoughts:
--Paul Pierce's knee *injury* and the events following the *injury* can be best described as follows.
(Scene: Celtics Locker Room)
Trainer: Well Paul, I'm trying my damndest, but I don't see any damage whatsoever. I don't even think your knee will bruise. What the fuck were you crying on my shoulder like a little bitch for?
Paul: (loudly sobbing) I don't know, it just hurt so bad!
Trainer: Well, I don't think it was the kne--
Paul: --I tweaked my vagina, okay?!
Trainer: My mistake, um, let's see, how can we work this to our advantage...
Paul: (massaging his vagina) Think, dammit!
Trainer: I know! Since you looked like such a pussy on national television, we'll just slap a brace on your knee and say that you sprained it! Not only will you get undeserved tough guy points, but you will cheaply steal momentum away from the Lakers!
Paul: That sounds great! What do you think boss?
Danny Ainge: (daydreaming, holding a trophy and wearing a medallion that both say "Executive of the Year") What's going on, I wasn't paying attention?
Trainer: We're going to use a fake injury as propaganda.
Danny: Oh, okay. Let me call my buddy real quick to run it by him.
(pulls out cell phone)
Hey Kevin, you there?
Kevin McHale: (dressed in his old Celtics uniform, alone in his T-Wolves office watching two television sets; one with game 1 and the other with a Lakers/Celtics ESPN Classic marathon) Hey Danny boy, what's going on!
Danny: Nothin' much, what are you up to? Looking over some scouting reports for the draft or something of that nature?
Kevin: (quickly fumbles to put his Sudoku away) Uh...yeah...exactly. So what prompts you to call me...I haven't heard from you since last July.
Danny: I don't know if you've been watching the game, but I've got a situation here.
Kevin: Oh, that's right, Paul Pierce's knee.
Danny: No, the knee's fine. We just need to find a way to make the injury seem authentic. Any ideas?
Kevin: You could just doctor the knee up and make it look convincing.
Danny: That's what we were going to do, what would you recommend.
Kevin: Well, I don't know if your trainer carries this particular brand, but I have this great, high-quality knee brace. I have been in charge of it for a few years and haven't taken advantage of its greatness. It has just been wasting away under my control. I suppose I could give it to you so my good ol' buddy could reap its benefits.
Danny: That's great, but you're in fucking Minnesota.
Kevin: Oh, that's right! Well, does your trainer carry KG brand knee braces?
Danny: (holds hand over cell phone, turns to trainer) Do you have any KG braces?
Trainer: I think so.
Danny: He's got them.
Kevin: Good deal, you should be A-OK now.
Danny: Thanks. I hate to chat and run, but I have pretend to watch the second half intently.
Kevin: I understand, good luck!
Danny: So Paul, are you ready to let KG completely support you?
Paul: I've never been more ready for anything in my life...except for how ready I was to tank away last season, in the East, in hopes of riding Greg Oden or Kevin Durant to the top.
Danny: (laughing) God I'm inept!
(all laughing, end scene)
****
I loved the fact that the referees were just letting the teams play in game one...of course, I wish they would have just let them play when the Celtics had the ball, too.
****
I don't care who you are rooting for, whether you are a die hard lunatic for either Boston, LA, or any other team, whenever one team shoots 38 foul shots and the other shoots 10, something fishy is going on. "Lack of aggressiveness" can account for a 10-15 shot discrepancy, but 28?! I'm not saying there was a conscious effort to screw the Lakers, but the game was not called fairly. As Phil Jackson astutely pointed out "When Leon Powe (he mispronounced Powe, my guess, and this is part of his genius, was that it was on purpose) shoots more foul shots in 14 minutes than our entire team does the whole game, something is wrong."
****
I really wish the Lakers could have the luxury of going through growing pains IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS and still be able to advance. You would have to be smoking Bill Simmons' pot if you think that the Nuggets and Jazz would need more than five games to dispatch the Hawks and Cavs respectively.
****
Unfortunately, most of game 2 was spent on the road for me (with the few glimpses of the game I stole being from a live feed of the box score on NBA.com). When I saw the deficit was twenty heading into the fourth quarter, I had a small glimmer of hope. When I was able to make out a '96-78' score with about six minutes to go (off of an AM feed in BFE, no less), I was resigned to the fact that the game was over. When I arrived home to find out that not only did the Lakers lose by six, but a ticky-tack foul prevented them from having the ball and a one-possession game. Naturally, while I am pissed off, I feel more confident about the 0-2 hole than I did after the third quarter.
****
Yes, this is unusual for me to come out swinging mid-series (my fear of karma has prevented me from writing many posts--part of the reason for the layoff), but measures need to be taken. For starters, any karmic shift will only help the Lakers, but secondly, there are some injustices that need to be discussed.
--Paul Pierce's knee *injury* and the events following the *injury* can be best described as follows.
(Scene: Celtics Locker Room)
Trainer: Well Paul, I'm trying my damndest, but I don't see any damage whatsoever. I don't even think your knee will bruise. What the fuck were you crying on my shoulder like a little bitch for?
Paul: (loudly sobbing) I don't know, it just hurt so bad!
Trainer: Well, I don't think it was the kne--
Paul: --I tweaked my vagina, okay?!
Trainer: My mistake, um, let's see, how can we work this to our advantage...
Paul: (massaging his vagina) Think, dammit!
Trainer: I know! Since you looked like such a pussy on national television, we'll just slap a brace on your knee and say that you sprained it! Not only will you get undeserved tough guy points, but you will cheaply steal momentum away from the Lakers!
Paul: That sounds great! What do you think boss?
Danny Ainge: (daydreaming, holding a trophy and wearing a medallion that both say "Executive of the Year") What's going on, I wasn't paying attention?
Trainer: We're going to use a fake injury as propaganda.
Danny: Oh, okay. Let me call my buddy real quick to run it by him.
(pulls out cell phone)
Hey Kevin, you there?
Kevin McHale: (dressed in his old Celtics uniform, alone in his T-Wolves office watching two television sets; one with game 1 and the other with a Lakers/Celtics ESPN Classic marathon) Hey Danny boy, what's going on!
Danny: Nothin' much, what are you up to? Looking over some scouting reports for the draft or something of that nature?
Kevin: (quickly fumbles to put his Sudoku away) Uh...yeah...exactly. So what prompts you to call me...I haven't heard from you since last July.
Danny: I don't know if you've been watching the game, but I've got a situation here.
Kevin: Oh, that's right, Paul Pierce's knee.
Danny: No, the knee's fine. We just need to find a way to make the injury seem authentic. Any ideas?
Kevin: You could just doctor the knee up and make it look convincing.
Danny: That's what we were going to do, what would you recommend.
Kevin: Well, I don't know if your trainer carries this particular brand, but I have this great, high-quality knee brace. I have been in charge of it for a few years and haven't taken advantage of its greatness. It has just been wasting away under my control. I suppose I could give it to you so my good ol' buddy could reap its benefits.
Danny: That's great, but you're in fucking Minnesota.
Kevin: Oh, that's right! Well, does your trainer carry KG brand knee braces?
Danny: (holds hand over cell phone, turns to trainer) Do you have any KG braces?
Trainer: I think so.
Danny: He's got them.
Kevin: Good deal, you should be A-OK now.
Danny: Thanks. I hate to chat and run, but I have pretend to watch the second half intently.
Kevin: I understand, good luck!
Danny: So Paul, are you ready to let KG completely support you?
Paul: I've never been more ready for anything in my life...except for how ready I was to tank away last season, in the East, in hopes of riding Greg Oden or Kevin Durant to the top.
Danny: (laughing) God I'm inept!
(all laughing, end scene)
****
I loved the fact that the referees were just letting the teams play in game one...of course, I wish they would have just let them play when the Celtics had the ball, too.
****
I don't care who you are rooting for, whether you are a die hard lunatic for either Boston, LA, or any other team, whenever one team shoots 38 foul shots and the other shoots 10, something fishy is going on. "Lack of aggressiveness" can account for a 10-15 shot discrepancy, but 28?! I'm not saying there was a conscious effort to screw the Lakers, but the game was not called fairly. As Phil Jackson astutely pointed out "When Leon Powe (he mispronounced Powe, my guess, and this is part of his genius, was that it was on purpose) shoots more foul shots in 14 minutes than our entire team does the whole game, something is wrong."
****
I really wish the Lakers could have the luxury of going through growing pains IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS and still be able to advance. You would have to be smoking Bill Simmons' pot if you think that the Nuggets and Jazz would need more than five games to dispatch the Hawks and Cavs respectively.
****
Unfortunately, most of game 2 was spent on the road for me (with the few glimpses of the game I stole being from a live feed of the box score on NBA.com). When I saw the deficit was twenty heading into the fourth quarter, I had a small glimmer of hope. When I was able to make out a '96-78' score with about six minutes to go (off of an AM feed in BFE, no less), I was resigned to the fact that the game was over. When I arrived home to find out that not only did the Lakers lose by six, but a ticky-tack foul prevented them from having the ball and a one-possession game. Naturally, while I am pissed off, I feel more confident about the 0-2 hole than I did after the third quarter.
****
Yes, this is unusual for me to come out swinging mid-series (my fear of karma has prevented me from writing many posts--part of the reason for the layoff), but measures need to be taken. For starters, any karmic shift will only help the Lakers, but secondly, there are some injustices that need to be discussed.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Woods on Hockey
There are definitely some reasons not to like Tiger Woods, but here is one more to like him. While in Detroit to promote this August's PGA Championship (held in one of the city's suburbs), Woods was asked who he thought would win the Stanley Cup:
"Detroit or Pittsburgh," a reporter asked.
Woods chuckled, "I don't really care...I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."
To someone who hates hockey (and hockey's annoying little brother, soccer), this is music to my ears. The best thing about the story was seeing the precious few hockey fans bashing Tiger Woods on the ESPN forums. They dropped the cliches you'd expect to hear (along the lines of Tiger being a golf pussy and questioning the validity of golf as a sport), but the fact of the matter is that one user summed it up best:
"...Tiger is bigger than your entire sport."
"Detroit or Pittsburgh," a reporter asked.
Woods chuckled, "I don't really care...I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."
To someone who hates hockey (and hockey's annoying little brother, soccer), this is music to my ears. The best thing about the story was seeing the precious few hockey fans bashing Tiger Woods on the ESPN forums. They dropped the cliches you'd expect to hear (along the lines of Tiger being a golf pussy and questioning the validity of golf as a sport), but the fact of the matter is that one user summed it up best:
"...Tiger is bigger than your entire sport."
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