Lakers/Celtics, thoughts after two games

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?), I have only been able to see roughly three of the first eight quarters of the NBA Finals. Here are some of my thoughts:

--Paul Pierce's knee *injury* and the events following the *injury* can be best described as follows.

(Scene: Celtics Locker Room)
Trainer: Well Paul, I'm trying my damndest, but I don't see any damage whatsoever. I don't even think your knee will bruise. What the fuck were you crying on my shoulder like a little bitch for?

Paul: (loudly sobbing) I don't know, it just hurt so bad!

Trainer: Well, I don't think it was the kne--

Paul: --I tweaked my vagina, okay?!

Trainer: My mistake, um, let's see, how can we work this to our advantage...

Paul: (massaging his vagina) Think, dammit!

Trainer: I know! Since you looked like such a pussy on national television, we'll just slap a brace on your knee and say that you sprained it! Not only will you get undeserved tough guy points, but you will cheaply steal momentum away from the Lakers!

Paul: That sounds great! What do you think boss?

Danny Ainge: (daydreaming, holding a trophy and wearing a medallion that both say "Executive of the Year") What's going on, I wasn't paying attention?

Trainer: We're going to use a fake injury as propaganda.

Danny: Oh, okay. Let me call my buddy real quick to run it by him.

(pulls out cell phone)

Hey Kevin, you there?

Kevin McHale: (dressed in his old Celtics uniform, alone in his T-Wolves office watching two television sets; one with game 1 and the other with a Lakers/Celtics ESPN Classic marathon) Hey Danny boy, what's going on!

Danny: Nothin' much, what are you up to? Looking over some scouting reports for the draft or something of that nature?

Kevin: (quickly fumbles to put his Sudoku away) Uh...yeah...exactly. So what prompts you to call me...I haven't heard from you since last July.

Danny: I don't know if you've been watching the game, but I've got a situation here.

Kevin: Oh, that's right, Paul Pierce's knee.

Danny: No, the knee's fine. We just need to find a way to make the injury seem authentic. Any ideas?

Kevin: You could just doctor the knee up and make it look convincing.

Danny: That's what we were going to do, what would you recommend.

Kevin: Well, I don't know if your trainer carries this particular brand, but I have this great, high-quality knee brace. I have been in charge of it for a few years and haven't taken advantage of its greatness. It has just been wasting away under my control. I suppose I could give it to you so my good ol' buddy could reap its benefits.

Danny: That's great, but you're in fucking Minnesota.

Kevin: Oh, that's right! Well, does your trainer carry KG brand knee braces?

Danny: (holds hand over cell phone, turns to trainer) Do you have any KG braces?

Trainer: I think so.

Danny: He's got them.

Kevin: Good deal, you should be A-OK now.

Danny: Thanks. I hate to chat and run, but I have pretend to watch the second half intently.

Kevin: I understand, good luck!

Danny: So Paul, are you ready to let KG completely support you?

Paul: I've never been more ready for anything in my life...except for how ready I was to tank away last season, in the East, in hopes of riding Greg Oden or Kevin Durant to the top.

Danny: (laughing) God I'm inept!

(all laughing, end scene)

****

I loved the fact that the referees were just letting the teams play in game one...of course, I wish they would have just let them play when the Celtics had the ball, too.

****

I don't care who you are rooting for, whether you are a die hard lunatic for either Boston, LA, or any other team, whenever one team shoots 38 foul shots and the other shoots 10, something fishy is going on. "Lack of aggressiveness" can account for a 10-15 shot discrepancy, but 28?! I'm not saying there was a conscious effort to screw the Lakers, but the game was not called fairly. As Phil Jackson astutely pointed out "When Leon Powe (he mispronounced Powe, my guess, and this is part of his genius, was that it was on purpose) shoots more foul shots in 14 minutes than our entire team does the whole game, something is wrong."

****

I really wish the Lakers could have the luxury of going through growing pains IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS and still be able to advance. You would have to be smoking Bill Simmons' pot if you think that the Nuggets and Jazz would need more than five games to dispatch the Hawks and Cavs respectively.

****

Unfortunately, most of game 2 was spent on the road for me (with the few glimpses of the game I stole being from a live feed of the box score on NBA.com). When I saw the deficit was twenty heading into the fourth quarter, I had a small glimmer of hope. When I was able to make out a '96-78' score with about six minutes to go (off of an AM feed in BFE, no less), I was resigned to the fact that the game was over. When I arrived home to find out that not only did the Lakers lose by six, but a ticky-tack foul prevented them from having the ball and a one-possession game. Naturally, while I am pissed off, I feel more confident about the 0-2 hole than I did after the third quarter.

****

Yes, this is unusual for me to come out swinging mid-series (my fear of karma has prevented me from writing many posts--part of the reason for the layoff), but measures need to be taken. For starters, any karmic shift will only help the Lakers, but secondly, there are some injustices that need to be discussed.

Quick Thoughts that Temporarily Hide My Lack of a Solid Post

--Whew! That's all I can say after game one of the Spurs/Lakers series. This was a big win for LA, and I think it will sting San Antonio a little bit, but in no way do I believe that this series is over. Charles Barkley is not far from the truth when he claims that the Spurs are "cockroaches that won't go away."

--I had one of those moments in which I ignored my conscience in favor of a joke. In the midst of a twelve hour shift (following only a couple of hours of sleep), a co-worker asked me how I was holding up. I assured him that I was fine, but that I might have to "limp to the finish." I paused for a moment and said "I guess you could just call me Eight Belles."

Kobe's Performance Against Denver

Kobe Bryant.

Forty-nine points.

Ten assists.

Four rebounds.

MVP.

Random Musings, Vol. 1

--Okay, so if Game 1 of the Celtics/Hawks series resulted in a 104-81 Boston win, and game two once again went the way of the leprechaun, 96-77, what can we surmise? Well, nothing is guaranteed in the playoffs, but you can be damn sure that come game seven, Atlanta will be favored by a point. Just wait until they uncork the ass-kicking they have in store for the C's by the time game ten rolls around.

--I don't hate anyone, but I basketball-hate Linas Kleiza (or should it be a general "sports-hate?"). Why must he decide to have career games against the Los Angeles Lakers? Granted, it has not yet translated into any overall success in the victory department, but I do not enjoy seeing him show off his confusingly deep repertoire.

--A message for any and all university advisors who may be reading this post: JUST TAKE THE DAMN HOLD OFF MY RECORD! I CAN SCHEDULE NEXT YEAR'S CLASSES MYSELF!

Read bracketed text for an extended rant if so desired: [JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOSE A CAREER THAT AMOUNTS TO DECIPHERING ELEMENTARY SCHEDULING CONFLICTS FOR EIGHT A DAY, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN JERK ME AROUND BECAUSE I DID NOT CREATE A LIST OF DESIRED CLASSES! GIVE ME YOUR INPUT IF YOU WANT, BUT I KNOW THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MY MAJOR AND I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND CHANGE THINGS TO MY LIKING ANYWAY!]

--Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping for a sweep, but I do loves me some Allen Iverson.

--Question: If Sasha Vujacic can pull of the hairnet look while retaining some sense of masculinity, why can't Andre Miller?

--Finally, a belated congratulations to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. A double-digit victory in state where you were outspent over three to one is just the jumpstart you need. Ride this wave all the way to the nomination--and beyond...

I Miss the Jail Blazers

While taking in LA's scintillating performance against the Portland Trail Blazers last night, two thoughts came to mind:

1) If the Lakers could prevent digging massive graves for themselves during the first quarter of games, they would be the heavy favorite to win the title.

and

2) Someone should inform Jordan Farmar that he is actually not Kobe Bryant. This may come as a surprise to him, but hopefully it would make him realize that he should defer to the superstar on every fastbreak.

Unfortunately, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach following this game means that I have nothing else relevant to write (except for things like 'NEW ORLEANS LOST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE, DUMBASSES?!'). As a result, you definitely should make sure you soak in these insightful tidbits. Enjoy the Masters Par 3 Contest tomorrow; I'm out.