Various Thoughts

I'm sitting at a public computer, but I thought I'd take the time to pass on to you a few pearls of wisdom (not that I should be spending time on this, but I'm doing it for you). I have had my memory jogged on a few issues that pertain to national events and want to warn you in advance that many of these items will be well past their expiration date. Enjoy.

--Let me paint a scene for you, shall I? I'm sitting in a mini computer lab with half a dozen fellow students, things are serene, and everyone is focusing on their work in a peaceful, quiet environment.

But hark! Is that the faint sound of a vibrating cell phone? It is!

"YO MAN, WHADDUP? NAH, I'M JUST CHILLING OUT! YO, LAST WEEKEND WAS RIDICULOUS! I KNOW! YEAH, DEFINITELY! THREE TIMES? YOU BASTARD! NAH, I'M JUST PLAYING! BUT FOR REAL, YO, HIT ME UP AGAIN THIS WEEKEND, ALRIGHT? YEAH, YOU TOO! PEACE!"

It never ceases to amaze me the level of inconsiderateness that permeates through society. Whenever I hear one of these poster-children for birth control speak, there are only two things I want to do:

1) Yank the cell phone out of their hand and destroy it.

and

2) Get in their face and ask "Did you notice how quiet it was before you answered your dumbass friend's phone call? Earth to dumbshit!"

--Speaking of public venues, I want to talk about another of my pet peeves, the university auditorium classroom setting. It's no big secret that I like my space. When I can, I like to arrive early to class to scope out the best seating arrangement. My goal is to pick a spot where I have at least one empty chair next to me, with preferably both slots open (I'm talking about classes that are not even close to filling up the entire seating arrangement). Now why is it that invariably, I not only get screwed by having two people decide at the last minute that the seats next to me are prime locations, but these people either smell, cough a lot, breath heavily, or seem to have some sort of sickness. And why is it that they feel the need to sprawl out and invade my personal space. I'd consider forgoing a few showers to create a putrid ambience, but I have a funny feeling that even this would fail to faze these inconsiderate people. I know I sound like an selfish ass, but most of the time, there are other, wide open seats. And I'm a bit of a germophobe, so an hour and a half next to Coughy or Sneezy means ninety minutes of me living on the edge.

Oh, and what I just said goes double for movie theater seating.

--A quick tangent about the very dated John Edwards sex scandal; how did we NOT see this coming? He's a smooth-talking former trial lawyer. He looks very young for his age (I'm gay!? He's in his 50s!). His wife seems sweet, but is not much of a looker. And did I mention he is fucking adorable!? Hell, I didn't know whether to consider giving him my vote or setting forth a motion that would allow me to comb his hair. I say this in jest, as I assure you I am not gay (plus I'd avoid whoring myself out to John Edwards to remain pure for Tom Brady), but it's not secret that Edwards was/is popular with the ladies. He became a rock star, which didn't bode well for his fidelity.

--Some thoughts on the 2008 Ryder Cup:

You should never say that you are ashamed to be an American, but damn it if I didn't come close to uttering these words this past Sunday. For those of you who didn't see it, the actions and behavior of the American fans and many of the United States players was an absolute disgrace! I despise Sergio Garcia with every atom of my being, but after a few holes of that cocksucking diva, Anthony Kim (Garcia's playing partner), and listening to the U.S. fans cheering two consecutive shots in the water from Garcia, I secretly began rooting for him. Well, I won't go that far, but I was heading in that direction (psst, don't tell my Dad that). Think I'm overreacting? Here are a couple of more specific examples of poor fan behavior:

1) My father attended the practice round on Tuesday and followed Sergio Garcia around* virtually the entire day. When the Spaniard stuck his approach shot on a Par 4 within five feet, a spectator (who I'm guessing was some hayseed sporting at least one item of Confederate regalia) shouted "nice par, Sergio!" I'd like to stress the douchebaggery of such a comment while reiterating that contrary to what this defense leads you to believe, I still think that Sergio is a whiny piece of shit who can't win the big one (think Peyton Manning circa 2004). It's one thing to shout barbs like this at football or basketball games, but this is golf. There's a certain etiquette we are dealing with here, which is lost on those good ol' boys from Kentucky.

2) A friend met and conversed with an Irish couple who attended the Ryder Cup. With much prodding from my pal, the couple, who for their part were trying to avoid making disparaging comments about their host country, admitted that the fan behavior at Valhalla was deplorable, isolated to the United States, and made them feel legitimately unsafe at various junctures throughout the day. And we wonder why the rest of the world has the "Ugly American" stereotype entrenched in their minds.

Still think I'm being too harsh? Let's forget for a moment that the American fans were out of control this past weekend. Instead, let's focus on the American players. While I was happy for a few of them (Kenny Perry, most notably), many made me cringe just by glancing. The biggest culprits were Anthony Kim, a collosal douche bag on the level of a Hitler, or a Sean Hannity, and Boo Weekley. Here are the things that I love to hate most about Boo:

1) His name. I don't give a shit if it is a nickname or his given name, it still embarrasses the hell out me as a fellow American.

2) His penchant for certain extracurriculars. Admitting on your sport's biggest world stage that you'd "rather be hunting" validates the cliche that is the unintelligent, redneck, dumbshit southerner.

3) His vocabulary coupled with his accent:

"I feel like a dog someone stuck a needle into and juiced them up at a greyhound track to chase one of them bunnies."

Holy shit. That (unfortunately) speaks for itself.

4) His actions, which can be summed up in this picture:

Okay, the pic does not seem to be cooperating, so here is a link to a story which has the picture at the top of the screen: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7630831.stm

This is the Ryder Cup, not some scramble at the local muni, you stupid dipshit! For further analysis on this inbred, look at the great Jason Whitlock's latest column on foxsports.com (hyperlinks aren't working either: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8606014/10-truths:-A-turnaround-in-Detroit?).

Forget foreign affairs or the economy, this is why we, as a nation, are screwed.

*Knowing about the axe I have to grind with Sergio, my dad made me a hilarious monument to the man. He created a collage of various Sergio pictures taken during Tuesday's practice round, with the piece de resistance being an 8X10 nestled behind an autographed ticket. I despise the golfer, but greatly appreciate the humor--this baby is now decorating the wall of my apartment.