Mr. Subconscious Answers Madden 09 Questions

I understand Brett Favre is to be the coverboy for Madden 09. Having learned this, I am inclined to ask one question. Maybe two. Such as...
Will Brett Favre be cursed?
Yes.
Okay, how?
For each of his remaining winters, doctors will discover a tumor on his brain. It will take them an agonizingly long time to make a decision whether or not it is cancerous. Most of the times, the results will be negative, but the process will begin anew every off seas--er--winter. Will he be in uniform on the cover?
He'll probably incorporate his uniform into a lot of things...
Or will it be a camoflauge shirt and Wrangler jeans?
Hmm, now that you say it, that's a toss-up. A quick aside: a Green Bay uniform, Wrangler jeans, and a camo t-shirt are the only articles of clothing he owns.
Will Madden be on the cover with him?
It's his game and he has a man-crush on Favre, take a guess.
In what context?
Something homo-erotic.
Gazing lovingly at Favre from the press box?
Warm.
Standing uncomfortably next to the man while an uneasy smile draws the bulk of attention to his perpetually confused face?
Warmer.
Placing his face in close proximity to his erogenous zone?
Bingo!
How will Peter King fit into all of this? €
Uncomfortably snug.*
Will there be one of those Mad Magazine pull-outs that fold to turn an innocent picture into a shocking one?
Well, a bare-assed Peter King is not exactly what I'd classify as innocent.
Assuming there is, how will it incorporate Madden and King?
Probably performing sexual favors.
Oh, in that case, who gets the front and who gets the back?
Splitsies.
Anything REALLY weird?
You'll see.
Come on, tell me!
No!
Please?
(Sigh) Well, let's just say it involves a hunting rifle, a half-inflated football, and an old-style typewriter...and some cold cuts. What? Patience is a virtue, you'll see soon enough.
Give me a hint!
Well picture cold cuts wrapped around the phallic portion of the typewriter.
Phallic typewriter?
You know, it keeps moving right as you type, it dings when you hit the margin, and you move it back to repeat the process again.
So, how will that work in sexual fav--
BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes!
Ew...
Yeah.

Don't Do It, Brett

Okay, Mr. Favre. I have, admittedly, never been much of a fan. But if you want to avoid the Asshole Lifetime Achievement Award, you had better keep your mouth shut and stay away. By now, it is pretty well known that you have admitted (no doubt with an "aw shucks" preface) that a scenario involving an Aaron Rodgers injury would at least pique your interest towards coming back.

First, you have somehow managed to pile on to the enormous amount of pressure that Aaron Rodgers no doubt faces this coming season. Your "I'm retired for good!" stance now has a crack in it. It is a small, "hypothetical" crack, but a crack nonetheless. Now, every errant throw by Rogers will have Green Bay fans clamoring for their gunslinger with the childlike enthusiasm to come back.*

Secondly, building upon the expectations of Rodgers, what if your replacement struggles? He fails to play well in a couple of early losses and no doubt will all the focus be placed on whether or not you come to 'save the day.' And what if you come back and play successfully? Now what happens? Another tearful press conference (with a depressed Peter King throwing back shots of espresso while masturbating to your stubble)? Or will you hold the team hostage again, pondering whether or not another Super Bowl run is worth the damage to your body. I mean, how profitable can you be to Wrangler Jeans without suiting it up every week?

The bottomline, Mr. Favre, is that you should stay retired. You had your chance to come back, but once you said goodbye, you passed the torch over to Aaron Rodgers. Taking it back would be the least classy thing you could possibly do. And returning to another team is out of the question. You were the quarterback of a team with one of the most fanatical fanbases around, how could you consider putting another team's logo on your helmet for one more season under the spotlight. Stay in Mississippi and let Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers move on.



*Do I owe ESPN (namely Mark Schlereth) money for dropping these cliches?