Hold Me Closer Tiny...Gold...Man?

First off, let me just say that I have been jotting little notes over the past few days in an effort to keep track of points of interest for future columns. For the first of these posts, I have decided to combine my Academy Award observations with some television and music bits. This way, I can keep the pop culture discussion within one post. Granted, it has nothing to do with pro sports, but it is not like this has stopped me before. So, enjoy.

Thoughts on the Oscars

--I did a complete 180 during the announcement of the Best Actress winner. I was pulling for Ellen Page, simply because I really enjoyed Juno. Oh, and she’s cute (emphasis on the word cute; the jury is still out on whether I found her to be gorgeous). Then, I saw Marion Cotillard walk on stage (oh, and don’t worry if you are confused, I don’t think she knows who she is either). Let me just say ‘Knockout!’ And she had the sexy French lady thing going on. From that moment on, I decided I was happy with Best Actress decision.

--Speaking of gorgeous women, two actresses (that I saw, keep in mind that I was flipping between the awards and the Lakers/Sonics game virtually the entire night) really stood out to me: the always beautiful Katherine Heigl was bringing her A-game (Tilda Swinton, not so much)…as usual (is that redundant?). As was the perplexingly hot Anne Hathaway. Both ladies were rocking red dresses. Coincidence?

--Going on a bit of a tangent, but keeping it within the ‘hot actress’ category, what happened to Neve Campbell? As of a couple of years ago, she still looks great. And she was always a tad underrated. We need to unearth her and treat her like the goddess that she truly is.

--Swinging it back to the Oscars, take a wild guess who presented one of the awards.

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Owen Wilson! In his first public appearance since…y’know…the incident. What is ironic is that he presented right after the in memoriam slide show. It would have been funny, and in incredibly poor taste, if Wilson presented said slide show. After the final deceased Hollywood figure (which was Heath Ledger, in case you were wondering), Owen could have paused…turned to the audience with a wry smile…and say “and almost…ME!”

--Now that we are on the subject of Owen Wilson, what is the deal with TBS all of a sudden? Usually they recycle the same circa 1991 two-star movies, but now the channel is trotting out Wedding Crashers, Four Brothers, and The Wedding Date (quick, which one of these movies doesn’t belong?). I think the oldest of these is Wedding Crashers, but we are still only going back about two and a half years! This is shattering my mind! I need some Cliffhanger, pronto!

--Using the TBS talk to segue to Jonathan Lipnicki (hey, they show Jerry Maguire all the time!). I despise this kid. I don’t know what he looks like now, but to me, he will forever be the creepy looking Drew Carrey Mini-me. I mean, did you see this kid? He called his erie little squirms and grunts acting!? His performances have always had a powerful effect on me…I get a strong urge to punch him in the face.

--Yet another brilliant segue (wink, wink): I am going to rant about Jackie Chan. He is actually going to provide a character voice in the film Kung-fu Panda.
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HE CAN’T FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH!
I don’t care if he is providing a voice for a character who is amazing at karate; the only reason American audiences flock to his movies is to see him perform amazing fight sequences. Either that, or they go for the comic relief provided by his co-star. But, if it’s anything, his mastery of the English language is humorous at best. Half of the reason they show deleted scenes during the credits of his movies is to make light of the fact that he butchers lines constantly. Was he honestly the best choice for an animated film? Do the producers really need a token Asian voice in their karate film? These are the types of questions that churn through my mind on a daily basis.

--Bringing it back home to Oscar, guess who was sitting in the front row? Why it was Jack Nicholson of course! Why is this important? Well, I was sifting through some archived Bill Simmons columns the other day, coming across this hidden gem:
“You're not officially a writer until someone interrupts you while you're typing, and you try to be nice about it, but you secretly want to start screaming like Nicholson in The Shining.”
Why is this funny? Because I was trying to write a blog post, but I had someone in the background chattering incessantly. I finally gave up on concentrating, deciding to read some Simmons posts. I wanted to snap at the person, but I was trying to be nice. Almost immediately, I came across this bit. It seemed so appropriate.*

--And now, one final Oscar note to get tend to: I refute anyone (I’m looking at you, TIME) who claims that the original Rocky is undeserving of the Best Picture. Are you fucking kidding me? Raging Bull was a great movie, but to say that it was the only boxing movie worthy of the Oscar (over Rocky, again, what the hell, TIME?) is ludicrous. Look at how influential Rocky has become. First of all, it has become a seminal film series. More importanly, however, it has changed the way sports movies (and some movies in general) are made. How many Rocky clones have you seen in your lifetime? Not only has it made the underdog dynamic a must, but it also integrated the “chick flick” subplot which pleases all audiences. It’s one of the most influential and inspiring movies ever made, but you are telling me that it was a mistake to give it an Oscar? I call bull shit.

*In case you haven’t actually seen The Shining, the scene in question features Nicholson on an F-bomb laced tirade directed towards his wife for interrupting his writing.