Keep Talking

Bill Walton has created a minor controversy with his on-air comments regarding the recent NBA trades turned to Shaquille O’Neal: “Shaq’s arrogance is an insult to people who think.” And, speaking in place of the Big Diesel: “I can’t play at all, (but) now I’m going to win the championship (in Phoenix)—which is ludicrous.”

Shaq, who has a long history with Walton (he tutored the big man when he attended LSU), countered that the analyst’s “resume isn’t quite good enough to speak on what I’ve done. I look at what Mr. Walton has done and what he’s said—and one thing I hate is a hypocrite.”

First off, this only adds to the Lakers/Suns rivalry as now not only is it Shaq vs. Kobe, but it might also be Shaq vs. Luke Walton. Secondly, I am really hoping we get a classic Bill Walton sound byte to rebut O’Neal’s comments. You know, something like…

“Shaquille O’Neal, what a player, but what a human being! Mr. O’Neal, you know I mean nothing personal by my criticism; I just want you to be you. We know what you’ve done in the past; we know what you are all about! You could turn yourself into a Greg Ostertag-esque presence down in the paint! I mean, you are working with Steve Nash. And wow, Steve Nash! He won’t blow you away with any athleticism, but I haven’t seen a man shoot the ball and deliver passes in the manner that he does in quite some time. Did Magic Johnson and World B. Free get together and have a baby? I think that they did. And that’s why I like Steve Nash and the Suns to do some damage this year in the Western Conference.”

Now, all of this nonsense about verbalizing the perfect quote has got me thinking. What are the funniest sports sound bytes of all time? Why not make a list? So, with this in mind, I give you some of my favorite sports quotes:

(Note that these quotes are not in any particular order, save the top five, which are ranked accordingly. I’ve also removed quotes that are hilarious when viewed, yet aren’t funny in print—so no coaching tirades.)

“This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.”-- Dick Vertleib

"The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level."-- Devil Rays GM Chuck Lamar on his team

"Because there are no fours."-- Colossal waste of talent Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many three pointers

"I am the most loyal player money can buy." --Baseball player Don Sutton

"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." --Baseball player Pete Incaviglia

"They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids."--Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." --Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it."--Football coach Ray Malavasi

"Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States." --Football analyst Lee Corso

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." --Doug Collins
"I've won at every level, except college and pro." --Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."--Jason Kidd

"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports." -Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."
--Mike Tyson

"I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children." --Mike Tyson to Lennox Lewis

"I might just fade into bolivion. I am going to chill with my children and fly my birds."
--Mike Tyson (attempting to say oblivion) after a loss to Lennox Lewis

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."-Harry Carpenter during a BBC TV Boat Race 1977

5) "I'm trying to be a good teammate here … let's just say we had some problems with protection."
--Peyton Manning, in reference to his offensive line after a playoff loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. (What? It’s not funny? I think this is hilarious!)

4) "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."--Pat Glenn, a weightlifting commentator

3) “You’re with me, leather.”
--ESPN commentator (as well as a husband and father) stealing an attractive, leather-clad woman from a fellow sportswriter at a bar during a past Super Bowl week

2) "The girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left."
--Patrick Ewing in an official court testimony

1) "[He] called me a 'rapist' and a 'recluse'. I'm not a recluse."--Mike Tyson, on writer Wallace Matthews