Found on Craigslist, Volume 1

I've recently become a Craigslist junkie. I mean seriously, for someone who had a loose understanding of the concepts of the site, I've hit it's services pretty hard over the last week or so. No, seriously, it's like my cocaine. How so? Let's just say that if my addiction persists at the hardcore level it's at now, I'm one step away from bottoming out. Not unlike a coke-head snorting lines off a hooker's ass.

Anyway, I bring up Craigslist because I stumbled upon a post that gave me an idea for a new feature on the site: 'Found on Craigslist.' Basically, I clicked on an ad with a description so inconceivable, I decided I had to incorporate it's shocking unintentional humor (do I need to give credit for 'unintentional humor' to Bill Simmons?) into the blog. Here, in its entirety, is 'Found on Craigslist, Volume 1.' Let's pop the cherry on this baby:

IVE GOT HERE A NINTENDO WII. INCLUDES 2 CONTROLLERS AND ALL THE WIRING FROM THE ORIGINAL BOX BUT NO GAMES. THIS HAS BEEN PLAYED SO THERE'S SOME NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR AND SOME SEMEN STAINS ON THE TOP OF THE UNIT DON'T EXPECT LIKE OUT OF THE BOX MINT CONDITION BUT ITS NOT BROKEN. IT IS STILL HOOKED UP SO IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN PICKUP I CAN DEMONSTRATE THAT IT STILL WORKS FINE (JUST REMEMBER YOU WONT GET THE GAMES) CONTACT FOR MORE INFO.

Did you catch it? Why not take another gander at the third sentence? Yes, you read it correctly, someone busted a load all over his Wii. Now don't get me wrong, I really like video games. However, I have never had the urge to physically prove my love to a console. Of course, maybe I should give this guy the benefit of the doubt--he could have just been making the cliche 'hey, look, I'm playing with my Wii, ha ha!' (We all thought we were geniuses when they first unveiled the name 'Wii,' didn't we), it's just that he got confused and things got out of hand (or in hand, I guess).

What I love is how candid he is about it. Maybe that's his trick. He just wants to matter-of-factly slip it by potential buyers. Yeah, system is in great shape, it's got a couple controllers, a game, some dried up semen, all the hook-ups, and the original box and instructions. You would think that if you are going to own up to the gizz, you'd specify things a little more clearly. Like, it should read thusly: all the information and contact info, line break, and finally, THERE IS SOME DRIED UP CUM ON TOP OF THE SYSTEM! I REPEAT, THINGS GOT A LITTLE WILD ONE NIGHT IN THE MIDST OF SOME WII SPORTS, AND I BUSTED MY JUNK ALL OVER THIS BABY'S SHIT!

Taking all of this into consideration, I'm prompted to ask two questions:

1) Could he not clean it off? Which branches off into some sub-questions:

a) Even in the bizarre event of bricking on your Wii, don't you think your first impulse would be holy shit, I've got to clean this baby off! Was this guy so engrossed in his game that he decided he could only take a break to orgasm and not actually tidy up his mess? 'Ohhhhhh....that's good.....Smash Brothers.'

and

b) Is dried up semen that hard to clean up? Not to the point that you could deceive a forensic scientist, but at least clean enough that you could keep a potential customer blissfully ignorant.

2) Wouldn't it be better if he either omitted any mention of the semen or claimed that it was some other substance? If I bought a video game system that had a stain on it, I would be grossed out, but my first thought wouldn't be 'that son of a bitch had a romance explosion (that term, courtesy of Borat) on my Wii.' Or, the guy could have said something like 'my son was working on a project for school and spilled some white out on the Wii, I tried cleaning it but there are a few persistent spots.'

At any rate, I have to applaud the guy for his honesty. I can confidently say that if I were ever involved in a bizarre series of events that resulted in reproductive fluid encrusting itself on my Nintendo Wii, that story is going into the vault forever. Thank God that there are certain people whose lives are open books. Because without people like this man, I would never have been able to create 'Found on Craigslist.' Thank you, sir. You sick bastard.