Random Musings, Vol. 3

--This week's recipient of the 'ASS' stamp: the NBA on TNT staff for the joke they pulled on Chris Webber. Evidently, he's joining Inside the NBA (that was the implication the other night; not so sure 'bout that one, guys), proving that Turner is not familiar with the old saying that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it (of course, maybe they are clearing the way for Kenny Smith to join the Knicks organization in some capacity)." Anyhoo, on his initial broadcast, Webber closed the show by answering five questions asked by Ernie Johnson. The first four queries dealt with specifics about the Inside, but, and this is where the dick-wad factor comes into effect, the final question was "how many timeouts are there in a half of college basketball." Ouch! Webber took it in stride, but that seemed like a risky move on live television.

--I would like to apologize to the entire city of Philadelphia. Not just because they live in Philadelphia, that goes without saying, but because I jinxed the 76ers the other night during Game 4 of their series with the Pistons. As Philly went into the half with a double-digit lead, I couldn't help but think to myself, 'will a 76ers win take away from Cleveland's (blown out of proportion) run towards the Finals last year.'

--Speaking of hose-jobs, what's the deal with the Magic/Raptors series being an NBA TV exclusive (save one ABC game)? If I'm a fan of either team, I'm pissed at the league for using these franchises as an experiment. Experiment? Think about it, if they schedule playoff games on their channel from various series, fans can rationalize missing one contest. But if you are a die-hard whose team is being broadcast exclusively on a premium channel, how can you miss an entire series? This rationale would more than likely lead to an increase of subscriptions and not just the 'let's watch the game and cancel the subscription immediately' maneuver. Am I crazy?

--The Mavericks/Hornets series presents a complex rooting issue for me. I don't really like New Orleans (Chris Paul has Chauncey Billups syndrome: "I'm so good, I'm entitled to (insert accolade here); plus, everyone talks about how intrical he has been to the 'healing process' of New Orleans; correct me if I'm wrong, but unless you walk down the Lower Ninth Ward screaming into a bullhorn "I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS GOT FLOODED!" you're going to look A-OK), but I definitely think Byron Scott got it backdoor style by Jason Kidd in New Jersey, so part of me enjoys this silent display of revenge.

--Pat Riley stepped down as coach today. While I think his recent history has been kind of shady (I'll take this title contender off your hands, Stan; now shoo, SHOO!), he deserves a pass on this latest resignation...unless he coaches another team some time down the road. In that event, his latest act will be nothing more than a case of 'when the going gets tough, Pat Riley gets going.'

Found on Craigslist, Volume 2

Now is the time for another edition of "Found on Craigslist!" You might remember last time, when we discussed the man who decided to sell the Nintendo Wii he loved a bit too much. And while volume two does not feature dried semen, it still finds itself in the ball park. So, without further ado:

"DVD MOVIES

--victory, sahara, exorcist, saturday nightlive the best of mike myers, driven, this is spinal tap, cat woman, charlies angels full throttle, cellular, waynes world, all dvd movies are 5.00 each unless other wise stated
--die another day 2- cd asking 10.00
--few adult dvd movies {black} 10.00"

This particular edition lacks the 'Oh my GOD!' factor of a cum-drenched video game system. But the humor of someone deciding to part ways with his porn collection (or a specific niche within a greater collection) should not be overlooked.

The question that remains asks how I should go about eliciting a humorous response from this vendor. For the bricked-on Wii, I merely sent an inquisitory e-mail that simply said "Semen??" Unfortunately, I never heard from the man and could not post my findings. For volume two, I intend to use more creativity. I implore you, comment on which of the following scenarios you wish to see acted out:

1) I send an e-mail pretending to be a porn-freak asking for raunchy specifics about the adult films in question.

2) I send an e-mail masquerading as some sort of Christian volunteer, requesting that the man either destroy the objectionable material or donate his profits to 'our' charity...only to have a fake webpage set up on the off chance that he follows through on the donation. And there will be no discussion; the charity shall be called 'The Human Fund.'

3) I send an e-mail posing as an irate parent whose child asked what "black adult films" were, threatening a lawsuit unless he types an apology to said child in e-mail form...again sent to an account set up specifically for this prank (perhaps it could be a set address for 'Found on Craigslist?').

4) I take no action.

Naturally, there are other specifics involved, should this become a recurring bit (although 'volume two' is indicative of its common occurrence). If the angry Christian avenue is chosen, I would have to create the webpage for the faux charity. I'll probably opt for a geocities or expage entry, simply entitled FOC.insertwhicheversitehere.com. The e-mail will indicate that The Human Fund follows the "Faith of Christ," with an emphasis on the latter quotation, therefore, the 'Found on Craigslist' acronym for which the site is named will not appear out of place. Once there, an explanation for the gag will be provided, as well as links to reputable charities so as not to make light of the good work performed by these organizations.

As far as I am concerned about the e-mail address, I feel a 'FOC@gmail/hotmail/yahoo.com' will suffice. If the person(s) is gullible enough to investigate a charity that has utilized Craigslist to lecture sinners, I doubt a conspicuous freebie e-mail account will throw him/her off. Naming the imaginary person that will direct traffic to the charity remains. I'll probably use a temporary alias for the first prank, but keep options open for a permanent title down the road. I'm still undecided about using something as obvious as Derrick U. Humphrey (D.U.H.), because the 'duh' initials might seem a bit childish. I'll stick with this for now, but hope to receive feedback to help make the final decision.

As you might have guessed, I have pretty much made an executive decision on the prank. If anybody actually votes and the results are overwhelmingly in favor of one of the other options, I'll consider doing more than one gag with this person. But for now, I really want to give my preference a shot. Worst case, I get a confused e-mail in response (well, actually, worst case would be no response at all). But in the perfect scenario, this guy takes the bait and we score some money for a good cause. I don't think it could get any better than that. So, I'll listen to feedback, but I think I've made up my mind...and no matter what, votes for option 4 will not be counted.

Interactive Smart Ass

Hello invisible readers,

While most of you are figments of my imagination, some of you might be able to answer a question that I have. I am sure most of you are familiar with the Verizon V-Cast phones and their commercials that offer fantasy sports updates via ESPN. My question is this: Did I actually see a grown up Goldberg (from the Mighty Ducks series) during the spot that takes place at an emergency room? Anyone who can substantiate this will get their very own shout-out. Think about that! One person, maybe two, will know the name of (insert here).

...

You can then thank me later for getting you laid.

Two Playoff Ponderings

As I watch the potential coming out party of the Philadelphia 76ers, two thoughts come to mind (and yes, I realize we are in the midst of Game 3 of a 1-1 seven game series):

--I am extremely happy for Mo Cheeks. This guy cemented his "good-guy" status when he went to center court to help a flustered girl make it through the pre-game national anthem. I am glad to see him back with a competitive team that is on the rise.

--At the other end of the spectrum, I feel sorry for the Flip Saunders. He got hosed in Minnesota and he is about to get hosed again by a bunch of prima-donnas who feel like they are entitled to another title based on their 'greatness.' (Even if they end up prevailing against the 76ers, it'll take an act of God--or a Garnett injury--to keep them from losing to Boston in a presumptive series...and even then, I don't know if they are a slam-dunk to win.) One has to wonder, though, will this open the door for a Detroit/Larry Brown reunion? I'm calling it right now!

Random Musings, Vol. 2

--My favorite part of Washington's 36 point victory over: In the midst of the blowout, King James strolled to the foul line to a chorus of "OVERRATED!" chants...and promptly clanked his free throw.

--This thought literally popped into my head, as I just put it together that the Energy Solutions Arena took the sponsor's mantle from Delta Airlines. I might be wrong, but didn't Delta go bankrupt? If so, would that not be the ultimate scenario for any ball club whose stadium naming rights are tied up to a sponsor? Think about it. Team gets paid. Sponsor goes bankrupt. Team finds new sponsor. Team gets paid again.

--I'm calling it here first: If Pac-Man Jones struggles through next year, expect the Cowboys to kidnap Jones, take him to a strip club, and have an undercover agent open fire with a guy containing Pac-Man's fingerprints.

--I hope to God that anyone and everyone reading this has seen the video put together by the Inside the NBA crew, spoofing Kobe Bryant's Aston Martin jump, substituting Kenny Smith as the leaper. Youtube it if you haven't.

--Anyone else remember when Shane Battier had his hair cut a little too short? And he looked like an alien?

--You'll have to be very persuasive to convince me that Mehmet Okur does anything in practice besides jacking up three pointers and putting down Yodels.

--Sadly, these past few ramblings have been of lower quality than usual. Ergo, I'm signing off. One last piece of information to get to: NATHAN DON'T WASTE YOUR VOTE! LISTEN TO ME! Sorry if you are reading this and lost, but the person I'm trying to reach will know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Subconscious Answers Madden 09 Questions

I understand Brett Favre is to be the coverboy for Madden 09. Having learned this, I am inclined to ask one question. Maybe two. Such as...
Will Brett Favre be cursed?
Yes.
Okay, how?
For each of his remaining winters, doctors will discover a tumor on his brain. It will take them an agonizingly long time to make a decision whether or not it is cancerous. Most of the times, the results will be negative, but the process will begin anew every off seas--er--winter. Will he be in uniform on the cover?
He'll probably incorporate his uniform into a lot of things...
Or will it be a camoflauge shirt and Wrangler jeans?
Hmm, now that you say it, that's a toss-up. A quick aside: a Green Bay uniform, Wrangler jeans, and a camo t-shirt are the only articles of clothing he owns.
Will Madden be on the cover with him?
It's his game and he has a man-crush on Favre, take a guess.
In what context?
Something homo-erotic.
Gazing lovingly at Favre from the press box?
Warm.
Standing uncomfortably next to the man while an uneasy smile draws the bulk of attention to his perpetually confused face?
Warmer.
Placing his face in close proximity to his erogenous zone?
Bingo!
How will Peter King fit into all of this? €
Uncomfortably snug.*
Will there be one of those Mad Magazine pull-outs that fold to turn an innocent picture into a shocking one?
Well, a bare-assed Peter King is not exactly what I'd classify as innocent.
Assuming there is, how will it incorporate Madden and King?
Probably performing sexual favors.
Oh, in that case, who gets the front and who gets the back?
Splitsies.
Anything REALLY weird?
You'll see.
Come on, tell me!
No!
Please?
(Sigh) Well, let's just say it involves a hunting rifle, a half-inflated football, and an old-style typewriter...and some cold cuts. What? Patience is a virtue, you'll see soon enough.
Give me a hint!
Well picture cold cuts wrapped around the phallic portion of the typewriter.
Phallic typewriter?
You know, it keeps moving right as you type, it dings when you hit the margin, and you move it back to repeat the process again.
So, how will that work in sexual fav--
BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes!
Ew...
Yeah.

Kobe's Performance Against Denver

Kobe Bryant.

Forty-nine points.

Ten assists.

Four rebounds.

MVP.

Random Musings, Vol. 1

--Okay, so if Game 1 of the Celtics/Hawks series resulted in a 104-81 Boston win, and game two once again went the way of the leprechaun, 96-77, what can we surmise? Well, nothing is guaranteed in the playoffs, but you can be damn sure that come game seven, Atlanta will be favored by a point. Just wait until they uncork the ass-kicking they have in store for the C's by the time game ten rolls around.

--I don't hate anyone, but I basketball-hate Linas Kleiza (or should it be a general "sports-hate?"). Why must he decide to have career games against the Los Angeles Lakers? Granted, it has not yet translated into any overall success in the victory department, but I do not enjoy seeing him show off his confusingly deep repertoire.

--A message for any and all university advisors who may be reading this post: JUST TAKE THE DAMN HOLD OFF MY RECORD! I CAN SCHEDULE NEXT YEAR'S CLASSES MYSELF!

Read bracketed text for an extended rant if so desired: [JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOSE A CAREER THAT AMOUNTS TO DECIPHERING ELEMENTARY SCHEDULING CONFLICTS FOR EIGHT A DAY, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN JERK ME AROUND BECAUSE I DID NOT CREATE A LIST OF DESIRED CLASSES! GIVE ME YOUR INPUT IF YOU WANT, BUT I KNOW THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MY MAJOR AND I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND CHANGE THINGS TO MY LIKING ANYWAY!]

--Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping for a sweep, but I do loves me some Allen Iverson.

--Question: If Sasha Vujacic can pull of the hairnet look while retaining some sense of masculinity, why can't Andre Miller?

--Finally, a belated congratulations to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. A double-digit victory in state where you were outspent over three to one is just the jumpstart you need. Ride this wave all the way to the nomination--and beyond...

Snap, Crakely, and Pop

--I find the whole Cleveland/Washington rivalry cute. You know LeBron thinks he is so cool, probably going as far as Tivoing the coverage of this series (in addition to his regular Tivioing of himself). Maybe he should realize (as should ESPN...get off LeBron's cock, guys) that having a heated and contentious rivalry with the Washington Wizards lowers his stature. Oh well, at least his delusional outlook makes a 4/5 Eastern series watchable.

--Working at my parents' pizza restaurant the other night, I took an order for someone with the last name 'Yackle.' How would you pronounce this? I'm guessing 'Yak-ull,' am I right? The Lady on the phone proceeds to give me her name as "Y-A-C-K-L-E, Yakely." How ridiculous is this? I wanted to tell her that she pronounces her name wrong. I mean, it's not 'Snap, Crakely, and Pop.

--Come Wednesday, Indiana is going to become the hub of political activity in this country over the following two weeks. In fact, the onslaught of ads is becoming more and more pronounced. Just now, I saw a Hillary Clinton ad and a Barack Obama ad back-to-back. As you know, I gave my endorsement (oh, and for the record, I say this tongue-in-cheek because endorsements come from powerful people) to Hillary Clinton. Expect more on this topic in the coming weeks, especially if I join Hoosiers for Hillary in order to do my part to get the right person the Democratic nomination.

--Speaking of politics, one final note: I created a Facebook group called "Barack Obama: Getting By on the Ignorance and Stupidity of the Young". The reasons for the group should be obvious (and they are listed in the details), but let's just say it is a testament to the fact that it should take more than just handing out concert tickets to become an attractive candidate for the office of president. One quick note, though. This group is founded on the belief that Hillary Clinton is the better candidate to become POTUS. It has nothing to do with gender or race, ergo racists need NOT join!

More Concert Ramblings

Notes from the Concert:

--Conspicuously absent from the set list: "For the Longest Time," "Tell Her About It," and, the ultimate guilty pleasure song, "Uptown Girl."

--While describing a pending song, Joel humorously noted "this next song doesn't mean a damn thing...but the kids I wrote it for all passed their history exams." I hope you guessed what song he refers to, but just in case, he was talking about "We Didn't Start the Fire."

--Immediately following the final note of "Don't Go Changing," Joel paused briefly and wryly snapped "...and then we got divorced." A humorous note on his history with the subject of this song.

--While prepping the audience for the next song, a tune which he implied was sub-par, Joel mentioned getting bomb-sniffing dogs, because "they would smell this song and go 'whoo! Don't put that one out, Billy."

--At the outset of the concert, Billy apologized to the half of the arena he had his back to on the arena, but noted that "it could be worse, you could be seated in front of my face. Seriously though, you must be thinking 'is this Billy's dad? Is the real Billy home...brushing his hair?" A funny nod to his bald look.

--An edgier bald joke: "I may have less hair now, but it only means that I'm getting more head."

--Pointing out the far end of the arena: "I want to thank all the audience members over their in Toledo for coming out tonight. I really do appreciate you occupying even the cheapest of seats, because...well...I, uh...I need the money."

The Piano Man in Concert

While I paid for it this morning, I thoroughly enjoyed watching Billy Joel in concert last night. Going in, I really was unsure of what to expect. My prior experience with Joel has been the lone greatest hits (although it is an all-encompassing, dual disc) album loaded up on my iPod. Fully aware of the fact that the man is a hit factory, I did not know what type of show he would put on. Would he phone it in? Or would he give it his all?

Let's just say, he brought his 'A' game.

It takes more than just hit records to transcend your profession. Billy Joel transcends pop music. He has the deep arsenal of inescapable tunes, but more than that, he entertains at every turn. It seems painfully obvious that the man would love to reach deeper into his catalogue and pull out the occasional diamond in the rough, but he respects the fact that his audience paid to hear "Piano Man," not "The River of Dreams."

To that end, Billy Joel ensures that 90% of his set list includes well-known songs. The Bob Dylan "screw it, I'll play what I want" mentality is not in effect here. And when Joel does decide to pull something obscure out of his repertoire, he delights the audience with his self-deprecating (and surprisingly abundant) wit. "Please don't go to the bathroom during this next song," he implored, acknowledging the unfamiliarity with the tune, "...I'll let you know when I pick a song that you should go pee during." Upon announcing the song and the album it hails from, a smattering of applause creeps through the arena. Joel looks ready to to rip through the song, but recognizes the minor recognition and quips "yeah, that's about how many people bought that record."

And his candor seems genuine. I am not that big of an idiot--I'm sure Joel, like most entertainers of his stature, has an ego. But he also seems down-to-earth enough not to. By admitting that his catalogue is far from perfect, Joel appears, well, human. Missing from this legend: The prima donna persona; the kind of musician who believes that even the slightest grunt from his mouth is cutting edge, provided it is put on record.

From a psychological standpoint, lowering his audiences expectations for the song allows a "hey, this is pretty good" vibe to waft around the arena. I guess after thirty years, the man has learned a trick or two. He concludes the song and thanks the audience for their patience. Back to the classics.

The remainder of the evening is a veritable hit parade. Even the lowlight of the show was still entertaining (a roadie joined the band on stage to sing "Highway to Hell," sounding frighteningly similar to AC/DC--does that say more about the roadie or AC/DC?). When it was all over, everyone in the stands knew what the encore had in store. Noticeably absent from the show so far: Joel's signature song, "Piano Man." Despite the predictability, nothing else in the show compared to seeing the entertainer pick up his strap-on harmonica.

And then it was all over. And a five hour trip, with another hour and a half drive staring me in the face just hours later, stood between Columbus, Ohio and home. While these extended drives are never enjoyable, this particular excursion was saved (and proved to be a testament to Joel's legacy) by the inescapable melodies floating around the minds of all the passengers. Things may have reverted back to the daily grind today, but, while the fatigue will pass in time, the memory of this evening will stick around for years to come.

The Definition of Irony

Rural folk have an insatiable appetite for trucks which seem to get bigger and bigger, yet the back roads they choose to drive them on could not possibly be any narrower.

Yes, if you are wondering, I almost found myself on the business end of wayward Chevy.

And by Chevy, I mean the automobile manufacturer, not the washed up, arrogant comic.

Playoff Fever, Catch It!

NBA Playoff Prediction Run-Down

Varsity Conference

1) Los Angeles Lakers v.
8) Denver Nuggets

To begin with, the Lakers have had the Nuggets number all year long (sweeping the season series 3-0). Presently, the Nuggets have played solid ball, but the Lakers are entering the playoffs red hot. Inexperience may hurt the Lakers down the line (but they still have Kobe and Phil, always remember that), but as paranoid as I can get sometimes with my teams, I really cannot see the Lakers doing anything but cruising to the second round.

Lakers in Five Games

4) Utah Jazz v.
5) Houston Rockets

Reason must be kept at bay when trying to predict this series as so many confusing variables have been thrown in the mix: Utah is the best home team in the league...but they don't get home-court advantage, because although they have a lower seed, it was earned based on their division standings; in actuality, Houston has the better regular season record. But Houston has been the worst good team over the past few years; Tracy McGrady could not get past Utah last year with Yao in tow, but I don't remember Utah sucking this badly on the road. Still, I trust Utah to win at least one road game. Can Utah hold serve on their home court? I think they can.

Jazz in Seven Games

3) San Antonio Spurs v.
6) Phoenix Suns

This series became a lot harder to pick this past Sunday. It was then that the Phoenix anally raped the San Antonio Spurs on national television. Phoenix will look to avenge the perceived slight of last year's playoff exit against a Spurs team that simply does not look up to snuff (although they toyed with Utah last night to close out the regular season, showing that they are not dead yet). The deciding factor in this series: Will the acquisition of Shaq finally help the Suns slow Tim Duncan down? The answer will determine the winner. But given the fact that Phoenix is playing better basketball right now, they have a chip on their shoulder, and the Spurs look a little worn and tired, I'm going to say:

Suns in Six Games

But we are one Shaq injury away from:

Spurs in Six Games

2) New Orleans Hornets v.
7) Dallas Mavericks

New Orleans has been a great story this season, but for whatever reason, I just do not get the vibe that this team can make a lot of noise in the playoffs. I assumed that they would get past the first round, but coming in against a rejuvenated Dallas team (featuring Dirk Nowitzki returning to MVP form), I am not so sure. Right now, the Mavericks are playing with house money: No one expects anything from them, so they can play loose and confident. New Orleans had better not slip up in one of the first two home games, otherwise they will not be lucky enough to see a game seven.

Mavericks in Six

Junior Varsity Conference

1) Boston Celtics v.
8) Atlanta Hawks

When I first saw this seeding, I initially thought "Atlanta is going to win a game in Boston." Then I thought "you're a dumbass." Without sounding too cliched, Boston's big three will be too focused to let Atlanta find a pulse. The Hawks might win game three or four, but it would take a monster performance by all involved and I just do not see it happening.

Celtics in Four

4) Cleveland Cavaliers v.
5) Washington Wizards

Charles Barkley recently called the Wizards "the stupidest team in the NBA" for continually taunting LeBron and his Cavaliers. I applaud them. They took this team to the limit two years ago and this year's Cleveland squad is a lot more like that team than the smoke-and-mirrors group from last season. In fact, I argue that the Wizards will be better than they were in 2005-06, due to the emergence of Caron Butler and the fact that Gilbert Arenas will not be at 100%. No, you did not read that last part incorrectly, I just feel that with Arenas not fully healed, he will pick and choose his spots to take over, rather than being the one-man show as per usual when he is healthy. This Wizards team has overachieved all season long, but I do not look for that to stop against the Cavaliers. Besides, it just looks like karma caught up with Cleveland this season.

Wizards in Seven

3) Orlando Magic v.
6) Toronto Raptors

I really think Orlando will be a sleeper team in the East. I doubt they will dominate any series in which they are involved, due mainly to lapses in attention. In this series particularly, Chris Bosh will help the Raptors steal a couple of games, but look for Orlando to move on in convincing fashion.

Magic in Six

2) Detroit Pistons v.
7) Philadelphia 76ers

If you are affiliated with the 76ers in any way, shape, or form, you have got to feel shafted by the events that unfolded in last week's game against Cleveland. You had the game in hand against the NBA's poster child, but a retroactive foul resulted in go-ahead free throws for Cleveland, ultimately locking you into the seven spot, facing Detroit rather than Orlando. Hosings aside, this team looks like it has a bit of destiny in its corner...but destiny will only be good for a game or two against the Pistons. That is, barring the inevitable melt-down from Rasheed Wallace, but even that will probably wait for Boston. Or possibly Orlando.

Detroit in Six

Coming soon: Second Round Predictions!

Tiger's Knee is Fine

You heard it hear first: Tiger Woods didn't have surgery! It was a fabricated story from the minds of Andy North and Scott Van Pelt to explain why he did not win the Masters this year. After all, Augusta National is "so hilly," so not even God Himself could win at the course with a knee problem. Surely it had nothing to do with the fact that Woods could not make a putt to save his life.

Don't Do It, Brett

Okay, Mr. Favre. I have, admittedly, never been much of a fan. But if you want to avoid the Asshole Lifetime Achievement Award, you had better keep your mouth shut and stay away. By now, it is pretty well known that you have admitted (no doubt with an "aw shucks" preface) that a scenario involving an Aaron Rodgers injury would at least pique your interest towards coming back.

First, you have somehow managed to pile on to the enormous amount of pressure that Aaron Rodgers no doubt faces this coming season. Your "I'm retired for good!" stance now has a crack in it. It is a small, "hypothetical" crack, but a crack nonetheless. Now, every errant throw by Rogers will have Green Bay fans clamoring for their gunslinger with the childlike enthusiasm to come back.*

Secondly, building upon the expectations of Rodgers, what if your replacement struggles? He fails to play well in a couple of early losses and no doubt will all the focus be placed on whether or not you come to 'save the day.' And what if you come back and play successfully? Now what happens? Another tearful press conference (with a depressed Peter King throwing back shots of espresso while masturbating to your stubble)? Or will you hold the team hostage again, pondering whether or not another Super Bowl run is worth the damage to your body. I mean, how profitable can you be to Wrangler Jeans without suiting it up every week?

The bottomline, Mr. Favre, is that you should stay retired. You had your chance to come back, but once you said goodbye, you passed the torch over to Aaron Rodgers. Taking it back would be the least classy thing you could possibly do. And returning to another team is out of the question. You were the quarterback of a team with one of the most fanatical fanbases around, how could you consider putting another team's logo on your helmet for one more season under the spotlight. Stay in Mississippi and let Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers move on.



*Do I owe ESPN (namely Mark Schlereth) money for dropping these cliches?

Lest We Forget...

It's back to the pointless little posts for a while, as I am writing for four different sites and trying to get through some of the work provided by my classes over the next two weeks. That being said, I heard something on Rome is Burning that compelled me to write this post. Sigh, I hate myself for writing this...but...okay.

The point of contention I have came from a comment during The Forum section of the show, in regards to Carmello Anthony and his DUI arrest. One of the talking heads on the show began to berate Anthony (who deserves a bit of what's coming to him, but he shouldn't be completley villified), implying that he can never truly be a super star because, as he put it, "Magic, MJ, Bird, these guys never got into trouble like this." (The last part might have been paraphrased as I'm going off memory alone, but he did compare Anthony to the three players mentioned.)

At this point, I am hating myself for writing this, but it merits mentioning: Didn't Magic Johnson become HIV Positive thanks to some off-court exploits. I am not trying to throw dirt on Magic, but when Carmello faces questions of his commitment to basketball based on one immature mistake, you probably should not compare him poorly to someone forced to retire prematurely based on a series of mistakes.

Oh, and lest we forget Michael Jordan's gambling problems. The consequences of this addiction range from the obvious--he lost a lot of money, to the sensational hoax--unpaid gambling debts resulted in his father's murder. With the intriguing possibility of a secret, eighteen month suspension from the NBA (hence, the foray into baseball), in between.

Now, I do not want to come across like I condone Anthony's actions. Trust me, very few things have the ability to exceed the stupidity of drunk driving. And his stick-and-move routine at Madison Square Garden last season does nothing to enhance his resume. But to isolate Anthony, simply because he is an easy target, seems unfair.

An Endorsement from Smart Ass Sports & Entertainment

It is official, I’m voting for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Certainly in the Indiana primary, but hopefully in the national election as well. I had been leaning toward the former first lady over the past couple of weeks, but a recent article I received in regards to Senator Obama has put me completely into Hillary’s camp.

The piece, written by a former nurse (Jill Stanek) working in Illinois during Obama’s tenure in the state senate, is admittedly one-sided. That being said, when you ignore the typical sarcastic adjectives of this biased article, plenty of scathing material remains.

It begins in February of 2004 with Obama’s wife, Michelle, discussing her fundraising invitations that describe a $150-a-plate luncheon that would raise awareness on “right-wing” tactics employed in an attempt to stop partial-birth abortion. Stanek summarized its contents, noting, among other things, that “Mrs. Obama referred to this form of abortion as “a legitimate medical procedure” and asked supporters to attend the aforementioned luncheon for her husband, who would fight “cynical ploys” to stop it.”

Now, you probably have heard the term ‘partial-birth abortion’ thrown around, but you may not actually be aware of what the procedure entails. I will provide a description here, but I warn you; if you are easily sickened, even by written details, skip to the next paragraph. Partial-birth abortion is an operation that takes almost-born babies (well into their third trimester), rips the back of their neck open with a pair of scissors, sucks their brain out, and crushes their skulls.

As terrible as this seems, partial-birth abortion is not the actual subject of Stanek’s article. She implores registered voters to pass on Barack Obama because of his ignorant neglect of a prominent problem in Illinois hospitals during his tenure in the state legislature: infanticide.

Yes, you see Ms. Stanek was a nurse in one of these hospitals at this time, and she made a very unpleasant discovery. Children were being born, full-term, mind you, and neglectfully shelved to die in spare utility rooms. Legislation passed unanimously at a federal level to put an end to this type of abortion, but evidently, Senator Obama did not receive the memo.

At the state level, in Illinois at least, the legislation was stopped in its tracks. Stanek points out that it was Obama’s presence and priorities that prevented it from being passed. In fact, as an interesting side note, it should be made known that it was finally put into action in 2005…just months after Obama was elected to national office.

Moving back to the time in state office, Stanek reveals that after the first refusal to pass the common sense legislation, Obama chaired a committee that tended to the very issue. While serving on this group, Obama stifled any dissent, going as far as ending a meeting prematurely to avoid discussing a pro-life issue with a family who had traveled over three hours to testify before the committee.

Evidently, Senator Obama was not bothered by any of this. Neither was he bothered by the fact that similar legislation gives more rights to livestock than to the full-term babies of Illinois. Nor was he bothered at the reality that these babies feel excruciating pain in both partial-birth and full-term abortion. No, the only thing he was actually bothered by was the fact that Alan Keyes used this story as the basis for his reason as to why Jesus Christ would never vote for Barack Obama.

Now, I consider myself a part of the pro-life movement. I am also a realist. I understand that as important as the pro-life debate is, issues as pressing as the Iraq War should often take precedence. I also am aware that completely banning abortion would cause another set of serious problems (women dying in back alleys trying to perform abortions with coat hangers, for example). However, I would have to agree with Mr. Keyes in his summation of Senator Obama. I’m not a fan making bold proclamations on Christ’s behalf, but I see the reasoning here. The last thing we need is a president as cavalier on such an important issue as Barack Obama. We need a president who is willing to recognize all of these problems and proceed accordingly. We need Hillary Clinton.

John McCain may be stronger on pro-life issues, but he is out to lunch on Iraq. His rationale: The Iraq Surge has worked well enough that we should continue to mire ourselves in a quagmire. Barack Obama is strong on the Iraq War (immediate withdrawal), but, obviously, frighteningly out of touch with the importance of the pro-life debate. Hillary Clinton is the most well-balanced candidate of the bunch, and the best choice for president that we have had since her husband left office. She has the heart of a liberal and the values of a conservative. Senator Clinton may be painted as a cold, evil woman by the media, but that’s just because they have decided that they want Senator Obama to win. How so? Clinton is a superior, yet less flashy version of Obama. Don’t be fooled by a smooth exterior, just look at the facts.

So with this in mind, I implore everyone to make the right choice this spring and do it again come November. America is at a crossroads. Do we want someone who will continue to trample our nation’s relations with other countries? Do we want someone with only four years of experience in dealing with issues at the national level?

I know that I don’t.

I want Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and you should too. Help her make the next step in this process on May 6th; it is simply the right thing to do.

To read Jill Stanek’s article on Barack Obama, follow the provided link:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=51121

My Shameless Attempt to Garner Search Engine Results

Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google Google
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I Miss the Jail Blazers

While taking in LA's scintillating performance against the Portland Trail Blazers last night, two thoughts came to mind:

1) If the Lakers could prevent digging massive graves for themselves during the first quarter of games, they would be the heavy favorite to win the title.

and

2) Someone should inform Jordan Farmar that he is actually not Kobe Bryant. This may come as a surprise to him, but hopefully it would make him realize that he should defer to the superstar on every fastbreak.

Unfortunately, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach following this game means that I have nothing else relevant to write (except for things like 'NEW ORLEANS LOST, WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE, DUMBASSES?!'). As a result, you definitely should make sure you soak in these insightful tidbits. Enjoy the Masters Par 3 Contest tomorrow; I'm out.

My Latest Sega-16.com Feature, and What Do You Know, It's About Craig's List

For someone who was barely aware of its existence just two short weeks ago, I have been hitting www.craigslist.org pretty hard. Over the past week, I've revolutionized how I go about purchasing classic games. To avoid having two consecutive articles that cover variations of the same topic, this feature will contain both a how-to for purchasing games on Craig's List and a personal story about some of my luck thus far.

A How-To Guide to Shopping for the Genesis on Craig's List

Craig's List is a God-send for anyone looking for anything. This includes those in the market for video games of all sorts. The site functions as an online classified ad, but there are two distinct differences between these ads and those featured in your local newspaper:

1) You incur no fees for posting ads

and

2) More people than just your grandmother are going to be looking at these ads

Now, how exactly should you go about looking for your games? Surely, more than one successful method exists. But, given my success in such a short period of time (fingers crossed that it is not beginner's luck), I will present my method for purchasing games on Craig's List:

First, it is a good idea to check which regions in your area have Craig's List sites set up. Generally, typing in www.craigslist.org will take you to the home page of the site nearest your location (Craig's List has hundreds of sites for various regions set up to keep things local). But since this is not always the case, I recommend using the location index on the right hand side of the home page to see if a more suitable site exists for you. While searching this index, it is also a good idea to see if sites exist for locations within a reasonable travelling distance for you. Hopefully, you will discover an additional region or two that you would be willing to do business with.

After you have chosen your location (and I recommend starting with your home site before branching off to alternate regions), you may now begin to scour the ads for some great deals. There are two main ad sections that feature video games, Games/Toys and Electronics. You may also have luck in the General section, but not nearly to the extent of the first two options.

When you do come across an item or lot that you are interested in, you simply click the provided link to contact the seller. In order to preserve anonymity, Craig's List features a mailing system in which you e-mail a database and the database e-mails the seller and vice versa. But obviously, if you and the seller agree to terms, you may then exchange contact information in order to complete the transaction. However, before you agree to the purchase, make sure you adhere to one principle:

Never settle for the listed price!

This is not amazon.com, so don't conduct business in the manner in which you would on that site. Try to envision Craig's List as an online yard sale or flea market. If sellers were looking to maximize profit, they probably would have taken their items to eBay. Most likely, video game vendors on Craig's List have either lost touch with games and are looking to unload them quickly, or they are parents who decided to sell off old junk boxed up in the basement--at least a variation on one of the two.

With that in mind, make an offer that better suits you. You do not want to go too low, as that might alienate the seller. I would recommend starting with an offer that is %60 percent of what they are asking (if it's still too pricey after the %40 deduction, the seller is probably too delusional to grant you a good deal anyway), even if what they are asking is a good deal to begin with. You just have to remember that they have the option of declining. And chances are, even if they say no to the %60 proposal, they will still counter with an offer that beats the initial asking price.

Now, there are always exceptions to the rule. For instance, don't low ball someone who is offering Snatcher for $20. Just pay the man and run!

You might also find a lot of a system and games, yet you only want a title or two and that is it. Do not hesitate to inquire about purchasing a few game separately. Again, the seller always has the power to say no. But it's more likely that they will be excited to make some money off of their lot and will gladly break off individual games for you. In fact, this is probably your best chance of finding a rare game or two for an insane discount. The Snatcher example above might not be the best for that type of instance, because someone selling a rare game individually probably has some idea of the game's significance. But if a mom is cleaning the attic and she puts her son's old Sega CD and his game collection in an ad, she will probably not hold Snatcher in any higher regard than NBA Jam.

The only down side to Craig's List is that once you score that incredible deal, you become impatient waiting for your next prize. Do you have any recourse to this problem? Luckily, the answer is yes. The site also features a section for wanted items. While it makes it more difficult to come across an amazing bargain (the people that respond to wanted ads for games are more likely to possess a higher knowledge of the value of certain titles), placing a want ad ensures a steady stream of offers to occupy your inbox.

When posting want ads on Craig's List, be generic as possible. Unless you absolutely have to have a certain game, it would serve your best interest to not name specific titles. Even if someone has no idea of how much money a particularly title could garner, you have already shown your hand by requesting it specifically, giving them the upper-hand in the process.

Another perk of Craig's List: the ability to profit off of purchases. While it may seem sneaky to by games from ads only to place them on eBay at a higher price, you have to remember the yard sale philosophy. These sellers just want the games out of their hair. If they wanted to go through the process of profitable selling, they would not list the items on Craig's List. Keeping this in mind, you can scour ads not just for yourself, but also for your potential eBay customers (or wherever you might sell games). If you become adept at this, it is conceivable that you could create a self-sufficient method of purchasing games.

I have just begun the process of manipulating Craig's List to give myself a budget to buy video games that does not come from my paycheck. This leads us to the second half of my feature, a rundown of the success I have had on the website so far. I would like to note that the games I mention will not be Genesis/CD/32x games. Please don't be offended, because as luck would have it, so far the best deals have been for other systems.

David Childers and Craig's List, A Love Story

I really can not tell you what chain of events initiated the process of me becoming a Craig's List addict. In all honesty, the main culprit behind all of this is probably boredom. I had nothing else better to do, so I started surfing the internet, ultimately ending up on the website that revolutionized my gaming habit. And it didn't take long for me to fall in love with the site, because I found my first deal instantly.

It was a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Collector's Edition for GameCube. Asking price: $10. This baby easily fetches $40 on eBay, so I called up the seller, made the deal, and had it sold on eBay in less than 24 hours. In that short time span, I was able to turn a $31 profit, which I used for my next bounty.

A want ad that I placed attracted many offers, none more appealing than this: Super Smash Bros., Turok, Star Fox 64, and Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire (boxed), Super Mario Kart, Tecmo Super Bowl (SNES), an N64 rumble pak, two N64 memory cards, and an N64 controller--all for $40. I jumped at the chance to kill two rare birds (Super Smash Bros. and Super Mario Kart) with one stone, in addition to receiving some other moderately valuable titles in the same deal. I then was able to make almost $15 selling the N64 accessories on eBay. So for those keeping score at home, I received all the aforementioned titles and came out $6 ahead.

Now, I'm in the process of negotiating a couple of more deals (a few X-Box games for $10, a couple of PS1 titles for $5, and, last but not least, some Genesis games with the price still pending), but every single day provides a sense of optimism. At any time, that game could be posted online for an unbeatable price. What Craig's List has done, for me at least, is breath new life into collecting games. It enables you to find great deals that seemingly come from nowhere, and it makes the entire process more enjoyable as a result. The site also allows you to get in touch with your inner entrepreneur, which in turn, alleviates the strain that buying video games places on your pocket book. For those who have never given Craig's List a visit, I strongly recommend testing it out.