Adios, Mamba

10/17/07

******NOTE******

I think I should get some credit for not totally deleting this post from the archives. The fact that the Lakers have sort of arrived a bit, coupled with my interesting mix of paranoia/depression make this particular post look rather silly. I feel like I'm playing Tom's game from Office Space: this whole end of days scenario for Kobe was a "conclusion that I JUMPED to."

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Earlier this week, Jerry Buss, owner of the Los Angeles Lakers, responded to a “Kobe trade” question from reporters by claiming that he and the Lakers organization were still entertaining offers from other teams. His stance: nobody was “untradeable.” What exactly does all of this mean? Lakers fans, gosh, I am barely holding back tears, prepare to say goodbye to Kobe Bean Bryant.

It has definitely been a rollercoaster ride since Kobe’s infamous “trade me” comments this past May. One minute he wants out, the next he is pledging to be a lifelong Laker. On the surface, things appeared to have cooled off, particularly when Kobe proved many insiders wrong by showing up to Lakers training camp when it opened earlier this month. Things may have been fine, but the harmony was only temporary; Buss’ comments have now opened the door for yet another public feud in L.A. The fallout from all of this has many ramifications, but it also indicates one thing: Kobe may never have rescinded his trade request after all.

Most assumed that Kobe’s silence throughout the remainder of the summer, and his participation in training camp, were indicators that all was well (okay, as well as it can be) in La La Land. The formerly pro-Kobe Buss may have just proved things were otherwise. Apparently things have been bubbling under the surface for six months. The comments Buss made may have opened the floodgates for the last time, at least as far as Kobe and L.A. are concerned.

“Coincidentally,” once Buss made his comments, Kobe’s surgically repaired knee flared up, and he has not participated in practice since. Rumors have been swirling throughout local So Cal markets that Kobe has cleaned out his locker and has packed it in for the season. For his part, Kobe talked to reporters and denied both cleaning his locker and refusing to play for Los Angeles. But did anyone actually see Kobe talking to the media?* It pains me when I see it, because Kobe is so obviously pissed off. Here is a recap of Kobe’s comments to the reporters:

Reporter: Did you clean out your locker?

Kobe: No, I didn’t clean out my locker.

Kobe’s Mind: No, I didn’t clean out my locker, but I will soon.

Reporter: Have you played your last game as a Laker?

Kobe: I don’t know, you’d have to ask Mitch and Mr. Buss that question.

Kobe’s Mind: If I had my way, I’d already be outta here, bitches. F*** Kupchak, and F*** Buss and his motherf***ing son!

Obviously I am just paraphrasing, but you get the gist. And did anyone else notice something was not quite right about Kobe’s statements? I mean besides the “Screw L.A.” vibe that he was giving off. “Mr. Buss?” Jerry Buss is known by all as Dr. Buss, and Kobe has always referred to him as such. I think it’s pretty obvious that this was an intentional jab in Buss’ side. Not that I find anything wrong with it. It is kind of sad now. Five years ago he was going to Buss’ house for Thanksgiving, now he is referring to him through the media as “Mr. Buss.”

But should all of this controversy come as a surprise? For starters, Kobe never really hinted that he no longer wanted to be traded. He just decided to stop pining for a trade publicly. I would be willing to bet that image consciousness was the factor of utmost importance in Kobe’s decision to remain silent. After years of being dragged through the mud with all of the Shaq power struggle feuds and fighting through the fallacious rape allegations, Kobe’s public image (a.k.a. his marketability) is as good as it has been since the early 2000s. Obviously, Kobe realized that holding his team hostage through the media would not win him over anymore fans. In fact, it would probably prove to be a turnoff. So instead, Kobe became a hermit until the Olympic qualifier in Vegas. While there, it almost seemed as if Kobe blocked out the Lakers (seriously, I wish I was friends with a psychologist, because I would have him look into this case). He refused to answer any questions that involved Los Angeles and he seemed to genuinely enjoy playing with such a high quality supporting cast for a change (As opposed to the basketball equivalent of the Bad News Bears that he works with now).

The sad thing is that the Lakers have the potential to be a 50 win team this year. Obviously the fact that they play in the West means 50 wins might only get a four or five seed leads us back to Kobe’s beef. But if they stay healthy, they will be a great team. Look at last year. Before the wheels came off the tracks injury-wise last season, the Lakers were 26-13 and were coming off of big wins over San Antonio and Dallas. Though it has not been publicized, the Lakers kind of improved their lineup in the off-season. For starters, the replaced the perpetually maddening Smush Parker with smart, solid, proven, and clutch Derek Fisher. They get back Chris Mihm from a two-year long ankle injury, giving them a three man rotation at center consisting of Mihm, Kwame Brown, and Andrew Bynum (all three of which can be brilliant in small doses). Lamar Odom will finally be healthy after grinding his way through last season. And Vladimir Radmanovic will, hopefully, be kept away from all ski slopes (seriously, was there a more bizarre Laker story than Radmanovic’s snowboarding injury? Oh yeah, I forgot Kwame Brown’s random assault of a man carrying a birthday cake.). So with a happy Kobe in the driver’s seat, this team will be more than capable of competing with anyone. But unfortunately, it will not work out this way. These are dark days indeed.

Okay. I need to snap myself out of this funk. I mean seriously, am I the only one who has contemplated slicing my wrists because of a basketball team? I guess this is what it feels like to be an Atlanta Hawks fan. At any rate, I need to stay positive as best I can. If the Lakers are to get rid of Kobe, let us just see what they could get in return.

(The following Kobe-trade scenarios will be rated on a “Wrist Cut System” on a scale from one to ten, where one cut is the most tolerable scenario and ten cuts is the absolute worst.)

The most likely scenario would be to ship Kobe out to Chicago in return for Luol Deng, Tyrus Thomas, and at least a first round draft pick. This would mean that the Lakers get a potential stud, a quality player, and at least one more future top-shelf guy. Additionally, Kobe would head to the East which is good for both parties. The Lakers would only have to face him once in L.A. and would not be burned by him come playoff time. Kobe, on the other hand, would have the luxury of playing in the JV conference, immediately making the Bulls the team to beat in the East, and proving once and for all that he is the premier player in the league.**

So…

Kobe to Chicago: Three Cuts

Another scenario that has been popping up is Kobe to New York. One word on this: AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Please, please, please, please God, do not let this happen! The Lakers would get some sort of combination of Stephon Marbury, Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, or whatever other inflated contract the Knicks have the rights to. I don’t care if the Lakers get their first round picks for the next three years, they better not pull the trigger on this deal. You can not give up the greatest basketball player for any deal involving Stephon Marbury. Plus, it would no doubt get that shit head Isaiah Thomas out of the doghouse.^

Kobe to New York: Nine Cuts

Also, it has been reported that Phoenix may be interest in Kobe. They would offer a package that would include Shawn Marion, Leandro Barbosa, and maybe Boris Diaw. If they could sneak a draft pick in there, this would be a helluva trade. Why would I be upset? First of all, the Lakers absolutely can not trade Kobe within the division. Secondly, if I see Kobe in the same backcourt as Steve Nash, I will douse myself in keresone and light myself on fire.

Kobe to Phoenix: Ten Cuts

New reports claim that Mark Cuban may be working behind the scenes on a deal to send Kobe to Dallas. In years past, Dirk Nowitzki has always been off limits when it comes to trade deals. But something tells me that after last season’s playoff collapse, the Mavericks would be interested in shaking things up. And it is not like Kobe is a downgrade (or even a lateral move). Once again, you are getting the best player on the planet. You give him Dallas’ supporting cast and you can start talking about a championship. And if the Lakers could get Josh Howard in the same deal as Dirk, the Lakers would have a pretty impressive lineup as well.

Kobe to Dallas: Two Cuts

You want to know my personal dream? Kobe stays with the Lakers in 2008. In the offseason, he gets traded to the Phoenix Suns. Yes, I said the Suns, hold on for a second. After the 2009 season, Kobe opts out of his contract with Phoenix and returns to a recently beefed up Los Angeles team. I do not care if this is not exactly feasible under the salary cap restrictions (plus, I would think the NBA would at least inquire about something as fishy as this). This is my dream, dammit! Just go with it!

Kobe to Phoenix to Los Angeles: One Cut

I look at these four scenarios (don’t worry, I’m not counting the last one) and the most likely resolution is Kobe to Chicago. I would say that the Knicks are second in the Kobe sweepstakes at this point. That being said, the Dallas scenario intrigues me. If only for the fact that the Lakers fan base would almost certainly demand a superstar in return for Kobe. No matter what happens, if and when Kobe leaves, I will regress into a state of basketball depression. I know it is not entirely his fault, but thanks for running your mouth “Mr.” Buss.

*Seriously, I have now seen this clip five times and I cringe every time I see it.
**Plus, even without Kobe heading to Chicago, I have a feeling that the Bulls/Heat rivalry will take it up another notch this season. Imagine what it would be like if Kobe were involved. Can you say “ratings dream?” Shaq versus Kobe, but this time they meet in the playoffs. David Stern is probably getting a woody just thinking about it.
^ Of course, James Dolan is too stupid to realize that Thomas should be in the doghouse, so this is a moot point.