Tiki Barber and Some Quick Hits

10/25/07

Whether you are aware of it or not the New York Football Giants are nipping on the heels of the Dallas Cowboys as the team to beat in the NFC. It goes without saying that my level of ire has risen week in and week out as this team continues to roll. Yet for some reason, I don’t hate them as much as I usually do. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate them with a fiery, fiery passion, but if I have to tolerate their wins, I do enjoy some of the collateral damage. What am I talking about? Well, if you haven’t guessed, I’m talking about Tiki Barber.

Many people like Tiki Barber…I don’t. And apparently, neither do Giants fans, at least not anymore. Naturally, I don’t blame them. I know, I know, what’s the deal with hating on Tiki, right? I mean, he did give his heart and soul to the Giants, didn’t he? Yeah, until last year when he took both of them back, announcing mid-season that his heart (and by default, his soul) was no longer in football From the moment of his announcement, the Giants were never the same. Not only did Barber quit on the Giants, he ripped out the hearts of his teammates and coach in the process. Now you are probably thinking that this assessment of Tiki might be a little extreme. Aside from picking a bad time to announce his retirement, what did he do that was so wrong? Well, I’ll tell you.

First of all, he is a two-faced backstabber (I am waiting for him to screw over NBC the way he hosed the Giants…just picture it. I can even see the title of the obligatory retaliatory TV movie: Tiki Barber: Portrait of a Douchebag). As mentioned above, Tiki kicked off his “Kiss My Ass Farewell Tour” by announcing his retirement…in October. His Giants were rolling at 6-2, yet upon his revelation, the team finished 2-6, limping into the playoffs.

What exactly was his reason for retiring? Didn’t want to risk suffering a long-term injury? Wanted to spend more time with his family? No on both accounts (although those would be more than adequate reasons to retire). Instead, he essentially stated that he wanted to show the world that he was not the prototypical dumb jock by flashing his intelligence to the camera, inking a contract with NBC.

And his disruptions did not stop with an inopportune “I’m Done” announcement. No. He actually had the audacity to call out the coach after one of the many losses in the second half of the season. His response to a reporter’s question after a Giants’ defeat: “…we were outcoached (and no, I didn’t take the quote out of context, I just gave you the abridged version of his response because this is the telling comment).” How can you say that!? It is perfectly fine for a player to say “we were outplayed,” “this game is on me,” “we had some protection problems.” Okay, that last one can’t be said—unless you are Peyton Manning and you get a free pass anytime you make a selfish excuse. But you most certainly can not throw your coach under the bus, especially during the regular season when you are STILL in the playoff hunt! This was pretty much the death knell for the Giants, because playoffs or not, this team was done.

So after the predictable Wild Card loss to the Eagles, Tiki Barber’s football career was over and he became “Journalist Tiki.” But is this where the story ends? Nope. As the 2007 regular season neared, Barber joined the Football Night in America crew (which came in addition to his role on the Today Show). While analyzing the Giants, Barber committed a serious no-no. He made things personal. It’s one thing to analyze, but Barber ripped Tom Coughlin’s coaching expertise and Eli Manning’s leadership ability, citing experience.

But did the Giants just take these barbs lightly? No. And for the first time in my life, I cheered Eli Manning on—at least while he delivered his “F--- YOU, TIKI!” message. Imagine that. Me, cheering on a Manning. Me! You might not understand this; I am honestly contemplating whether or not I should jab my car keys into the nearest electric outlet.

Yet whether or not Tiki is an asshole (and believe me, he is), the fact of the matter is that, once you looked past his classless comments, the conclusion he arrived at in analyzing New York seemed spot on: they were not going to be very good. And they weren’t at first, coming out of the gates 0-2. But something strange started happening, the Giants began to win games. A big part of their winning streak has to do with the fact that the Giants pass rushers apparently found an old bag of Lawrence Taylor’s blow buried in the locker room (another reason might be that Tom Coughlin is acting less and less like the drill sergeant in Forrest Gump). Now, the team is 5-2, winners of five straight. They are set to take on the hapless Miami Dolphins this Sunday (in London, ooh-la-la), so it is fairly safe to assume that they will get to 6-2. The best part? At a recent home game, Tiki Barber, who was working the game for NBC, was met with a chorus of boos when his image flashed on the jumbotron (cheer up, Tiki, maybe you’ll win a Pulitzer and the opinion of Giants fans won't matter...and maybe I’ll throw down with Sarah Chalke this weekend. But hey, anything can happen).

So while I despise the New York Giants, I can at least tolerate when they win this season, because each ‘W’ says “F--- YOU!” to Tiki Barber. Now that doesn’t mean that I want them to win. Quite the contrary. I still hope that they lose on a weekly basis; I just want you to know why it is not the worst thing in the world if they do not. And yeah, they have been doing a lot of winning recently, but sorry Giants fans, you are going to be getting your hopes up way too high if you think they are going anywhere.

I know that I have been on record as saying that “you can only play who you are scheduled to play.” And I know that I agree with Bill Parcells when he says “you are what your record says you are.” BUT…

Let’s be honest, the Giants are taking advantage of some lousy teams. Granted, in hindsight, their week 3 win against Washington is proving to be pretty big, but come on, check out who else they have played after the Redskins:

Week 4:
Philadelphia (2-4), 16-3
This was an ugly game that was not so much won by the Giants but lost by the Eagles. And take a look at Philly’s record as of Week 7. They are 2-4 (they have already had their bye week). The team had an amazing win against Detroit (I mean, Philly went Abu Ghraib on their asses), but the other victory came against the hapless New York Jets (who I’ll get to in just a second). And it is pretty obvious that not all is well in the City of Brotherly Love when the team loses on a 97-yard last-minute drive against the…Chicago Bears?! Yeah, on second thought DEFINITELY take this Giants win with a grain of salt.

Week 5:
New York Jets (1-6), 35-24
Maybe I am discounting this win a bit too much, considering the fact that when the two New York teams meet, it is safe to assume that records fly out the window. But it is hard to give the Giants props for taking down the Jets when the team is 1-6 (with the lone victory coming against the 0-7 Miami Dolphins). Besides, records shouldn’t matter in this game; I am just glad that yet another team has handed it to Mangenius the Mangina.

Week 6:
Atlanta Falcons (1-6), 31-10
Okay, what gives? Yet another JV squad? I know that there is no such thing as a bad team in the NFL, but this is getting ridiculous. I would have to consult a rules book, but in the event of a tie-breaker come playoff time, one of the deciding factors is “did one of your wins come against a Joey Harrington QBed team?” If the answer to this question is yes, and this is the case for the Giants, chances are that you’ll be on the outside looking in. But again, I haven’t double-checked that with NFL rules.*

Week 7:
San Francisco 49ers (2-4), 33-15
Yet another (yawn) 2-4 team. No wonder Eli Manning has been looking like he isn’t a failure who can never measure up to his brother. I am aware that San Fran did very well last year, was a sleeper pick this year, and began the year 2-0. But this team is not very good. Again, I know that you can only beat the team you are scheduled to play, but I think it might be a tad premature for Giants fans to book a trip to Arizona this February. But you never know, I mean, they could really put themselves on the map with a win over a tough team this week. Who do they play?

…

The 0-7 Miami Dolphins.

…

The game is in London, so that might pose a threat. But barring a nosedive into the Atlantic, the New York Giants look to get to 6-2. Their first true to test will come in Week 10, when they host the division rival Dallas Cowboys. Maybe I am wrong about this team, but no matter how many wins they pile up against a competition with a cumulative win-loss total of 10-22, I will need quality wins before I can put them up on a pedestal with the likes of New England, Dallas, and Indy. (Maybe I should replace New England and Indy with Pittsburgh and Green Bay, because the Pats and Colts are head and shoulders above every other team in the league.)

That being said, it looks like they will make the playoffs even with a (supposedly) weak running game. It also appears that the team may be uniting under Coughlin and Manning after all.**

...

I wonder what Tiki Barber thinks about all of this?

QUICK HITS

--Okay, so it is not proper protocol to quote someone else’s blog in your blog, but this quote from Bill Simmons is too funny not to post. Let me set this up a bit. Simmons was discussing Adam Morrison’s um, habits after reading an article on the Bobcat this offseason:

“... Adam Morrison chews tobacco and smokes cigarettes??? Seriously? The guy has diabetes and he smokes cigarettes? Who is his personal trainer, Keith Richards?”

If you aren’t familiar with the Rolling Stones, you probably didn’t get this joke, nevertheless, I have the perfect segue for my next bit.

--Speaking of 60s rock icons (segue alert,! wink, wink), I noticed something very fishy while watching “Good Morning, Vietnam.” Okay, so first off, I only saw about twenty minutes (what? It was five in the morning and I had an 11:00 class), but from what I did see, there were some inconsistencies. At some point, the characters of Robin Williams and Forest Whitaker are driving along listening to the radio. A sports report of sorts is being broadcast and the DJ mentions “Reds All-Star Rookie Pete Rose.” Harmless enough, right? And in the next scene, some men walk past Williams carrying a copy of the Beatles’ record “HELP!” Nothing out of the ordinary, correct? Well, not exactly. Pete Rose’s rookie season was 1963, yet “HELP!” was not released until 1965. Someone has some 'splainin' to do! Oh, and yes, I know that I need help (or rather, “HELP!”).***

--I know that the change does not take place until the summer, but is anyone else surprised that there has not been more of a deal made about Rick Reilly joining ESPN? I mean, isn’t this guy the face of Sports Illustrated? There are few men more respected in the business than he is (and I am not saying that like I am “in the business;” I swear I don’t take this column that seriously), and he gives ESPN the Magazine that much more credibility. All of this being said, I am getting a wee bit ahead of myself. It’s not like people will cancel subscriptions to SI in response to his departure.

--I’ll admit, the Colts win over Jacksonville was impressive, but not as impressive as most people will have you believe. First off, Jack Del Rio apparently wanted to look like an offensive guru in front of the Monday Night Football audience, thus abandoning the team's signature smashmouth running game at the most inopportune moments (a reverse on a 4th and 1? Are you kidding me?). Secondly, and most importantly, David Garrard missed most of the game with an ankle injury. This guy was making a case for being the NFL’s best quarterback not named Tom or Peyton, so it seems only natural that his team would suffer without him. At any rate, Garrard or not, you never got the sense that Indy would be challenged in this game. Still, I don’t want to hear any holier-than-thou Colts fans talk about New England “running up the score” on teams after the 40 yard Dallas Clark TD with under five minutes to go. I don’t have a problem with the scoring of either team, but you can’t criticize New England for what they have been doing, yet give a free pass to the Colts.

--A couple notes from daytime television over the past couple of days: first, I love Ellen Degeneres. I can’t really say why exactly, but she seems like a genuinely good person, plus she is funny as hell (and it’s revelant to daytime TV because she has a talkshow). Secondly, and I am going to sound like the lovechild of Hitler and Mussolini on this one, I had a nagging thought while watching the launch of the space shuttle Discovery (yes, it’s daytime TV, the launch was around 11:30 in the morning). And I promise you that I felt evil every time that it popped into my head: I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to witness an accident (kind of like The Challenger) on live television. It’s kind of like staring at a car wreck, you can’t help but stare, except that it had not happened yet (and thankfully it never did). I’d like to reiterate that I was NOT hoping for this, it was just a case of morbid curiosity.

--Finally, here is a link to a clip from the roast of Emmitt Smith from a couple of years back. Watch to see Jamie Foxx destroy the career of a mediocre comedian (Doug Williams), to the pensive delight of the other roasters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_L-gbpKZpo

--Over the weekend, I hope to do either a running diary of a World Series game (or maybe a football game), do a column featuring extensive NFL picks, or think of some other rant that I can translate into a coherent piece. Keep your eyes peeled.

*This gets my vote for joke most likely to be lost on people.
*I don’t think people will understand the pain that I have gone through not only complimenting the Giants, but also a Manning. ARRRGHH…must…say…something…err…Eli is a little brat who whined his way into manipulating the 2004 draft with the help of his daddy. AH! Much better.
**Alternate Joke:
“…Oh, and yes, I know I need some “HELP!” Not just anybody, “HELP!” You know I need…yeah, you get the picture.