The Running Diary of Game 5 of the ALCS

11/19/07

8:01
I’ve just had some dinner, and I’m ready to get started. We have to endure the very amateuresqe Fox Sports pre-game show. While this is going on, let’s run down some interesting events that have happened in the past day or so.

First off, the big story out of New York (or I guess Tampa Bay, since that is where Team Steinbrenner is located at this point in time) is that Joe Torre has turned down a one-year contract for the Yankees. Well, I guess this explains why it took so long to deliberate on Torre’s future. The Steinbrenners had to of thought long and hard about how to royally screw Joe Torre without looking like the bad guys. First, the contract would mean that Torre would have to take a pay cut. After all that he has done for the Yankee organization (like winning year after year with an excessive amount of inflated contracts), he deserves much better. Secondly, the one-year deal means that unless he brings a world championship back to New York, we would be in the same situation next year. I just think that Torre had no intention of enduring another season of “will they or won’t they fire him?”

8:08
Okay, I was a little too focused on the Torre story (hey that rhymes!), but did I just hear the token woman on the Fox Sports pre-game show make some sort of pajama joke? Oh well, let’s take a look at some other juicy story lines. How about the most overblown story of the past day? Manny Ramirez’s “it doesn’t matter if we when, it won’t be the end of the world” comments. I mean, by now, is this not just a case of ‘Manny Being Manny?’ The real crime is that we have had to endure the terrible and predictable “Manny probably thinks he is still playing for Cleveland” jokes. The only funny thing about these is that the person who delivers the joke invariably has the self-righteous chuckle as if they are the smartest person in the world. Of course, things could be worse. The “clever jokesters” could be like Skip Bayless on 1st and 10. His comments on Manny’s wardrobe and hairstyle were borderline racist.

8:14
Oh my God…Kevin Millar is back, and so is his trademark slogan, “Cowboy Up.” Was I the only person who thought that Millar started the “Cowboy Up” thing to give people outside of New York a reason to hate the Red Sox? I cringed every time I heard it in 2004 and three years later I feel no differently.

8:16
Ah, Joe Buck’s voice. I almost forgot. For those who didn’t watch Late Night with Conan O’Brien, get a load of this. In a bizarre sequence, Conan stated that if Buck could utter the words “Jub-Jub” during the broadcast, he would donate $1,000 to a charity of his choosing (Jub-Jub dates back to Conan’s days as a writer on the Simpsons). Buck claimed that he is going to do it and it will be legit. Translation: he isn’t going to sneak it in during an exciting moment. We’ll see.

8:20
Maybe it is because I am a Cowboys fan, but I think the Pepsi Max commercial featuring Wade Phillips, Tony Romo, and Jerry Jones is outstanding. For those who know what Jones is all about, this commercial is one of the funniest on television. Taking this all into consideration, there have been a lot of Romo commercials on recently. I want to take this moment to perform something of an intervention: please Tony, don’t start becoming an advertising whore like Peyton Manning. Be selective with the commercials you star in, like, say, Tom Brady.

8:24
First pitch and were under way. It’s a strike. Justin Pedroia predictably grounds out, and we are to the meat of the lineup. I’m stealing this from Bill Simmons, but it deserves to be stated…

8:25
YOUK!! Kevin Youkilis hammers a homer over the leftfield wall to jump to a 1-0 lead…

8:26
Just as I was getting ready to chastise Terry Francona a little bit for not sticking Youkilis towards the bottom of the lineup to spread the offensive wealth a little bit. I guess if he homers every time up, this won’t be an issue.

8:27
Why is Cleveland booing Manny, he thinks he plays for the Indians, remember?

8:29
Manny rips one into the gap in left-center and ends up with a stand-up double. RBI Machine Lowell is up. Manny lumbers into home and is out by a mile, wasting a bloop single from Lowell in the process. At least they are playing aggressively, and they are getting to C.C. Sabathia early.

Another funny thing about Buck on Conan: apparently Joe Buck is getting his own late night talk show on Fox. It’s on at midnight, so half of the show will compete with Conan’s timeslot. Conan was faced with the bizarre task of discussing Buck’s show without promoting it whatsoever.

8:33
Who would you take in a fight? C.C. Sabathia or the rest of the Indians team? It has to be C.C.

8:35
Were not twenty minutes into the game and Manny Ramirez has already taken off his hat twice. (He flipped the helmet running to home and flipped his cap in a pathetic attempt to reach Sizemore’s fly ball)

8:37
Men on the corners, nobody out, Travis Hafner at the plate. Come on Becket, this is why you are the best pitcher in the AL.

8:39
Hafner’s chopper ends in a double play and a run for the Indians, 1-1.

This is a quick aside, but I noticed an annoying trend today and I used the trend to form a hypothesis: men who wear sunglasses on cloudy days are probably the most pretentious people in the world (some women can pull this feat off).

8:43
Nasty pitch from Becket ends the first inning.

Quick Note (brace yourselves, because there will no doubt be a lot of these throughout the night): I became sick of the “Cleveland Rocks” song very early on in the ALCS.

8:46
The Next Great American Band commercial: I hate Jon Rzeznik and, naturally, the Goo Goo Dolls with all of my heart. People say Michael Jackson looks freaky, but Rzeznik looks like that WITHOUT any plastic surgery.

I want to (attempt, I might just blow this off or forget by the fourth inning, of course, I could always edit…anyways, attempt) to keep track of Boston’s 7-8-9 hitters. My guess is if Boston loses, Coco Crisp will be 1-4 with a 2 out hit with no one on in the ninth.

8:49
What’s with miking up Paul Byrd?*** His monotone voice gives me the creeps. And, not too sound insensitive, even though I’m sure this will, to top it off, he looks like he has Downs Syndrome.

8:52
Buck gives a useful fact for a change: Coco Crisp has not recorded a hit since the got to Cleveland. This is where the ‘Youkilis in the six or seven spot’ argument gains some validity.

8:54
Jason Varitek is hitting in the seven spot and he records a hit.
Coco Crisp looks at a perfect strike for an out. The 7-8-9 hitters are 1-2.
Routine pop-up from Julio Lugo, inning over. The 7-8-9 boys are 1-3.

I need to think of a code word for the 7-8-9 hitters to make it easier to type. Hmmm. How about the Rally Killers? A little long for a code word, but damn if it isn’t appropriate. And I can even shorten it to RKs. Nice.

8:58
Oh God. Another Dane Cook commercial. We know, we know, there’s only ONE October. Hey Dane, why don’t you just go back to plagiarizing comedic material and making critically and commercially unsuccessful movies you no talent hack. You are lucky you appeal to the least common denominator in this country you son of a…oh I’m sorry, did I get a bit carried away with my hate of Dane Cook? Okay, I did. But seriously, he and Carlos Mencia should be made honorary members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

9:00
Kenny Lofton strides to the plate. He had a key homer in Cleveland’s game three win. Hey Kenny, where was this offensive production in the 2002 World Series? Maybe Barry Bonds would have a title if you showed up against the Angels.

While we wait for some more action, I have another quick aside. I was looking forward to my pizza delivery earlier, but as soon as I return to my room lo and behold, I got regular Pepsi instead of Diet. I ordered online, so I know I checked off Diet Pepsi. And of course, I don’t think to look until I get back up to my room. If you realized how important Diet is to my meal, you would understand what a tragedy this was. But being the trooper that I am, I was still able to put away plenty of pizza.

9:08
Beckett throws his third strikeout to end the inning. We are through two and still no “Jub-Jub.”

Oh no, one of those Chevrolet “Our Country” commercials. Nothing against America, but that song annoys me so much. Just stick with “Jack and Diane” and “Pink Houses” there, Mellencamp. And have you seen ol’ Johnny Cougar lately? Picture Jason Bateman as a lifelong smoker and you have a rough idea.

Wow. Just thought of a ridiculously corny joke, but I’ll write it anyway. I wish J.D. Drew and Kevin Youkilis would switch last names. That way he would be J.D. “You Kill Us.” HA-HA-Ha-ha…ha. Oh shut up, I know it sucks (and I’m also aware that Drew isn’t in the lineup tonight).

9:12
Okay, I said I didn’t want Buck to cheat on the deal with Conan, but I would be happy if he says something like “Ortiz is due up next, boy, is he a big “Jub-Jub.” For whatever reason, I think this fits.

9:14
All right Boston, take advantage of this: Pedroia on, nobody out, and the big three coming up. While this is happening, Buck and McCarver are giving the Yankees hell for not keeping Joe Torre. I can’t say I disagree with them.

9:17
Ha ha, Fox just cued the music used to go to commercial with only two outs. Maybe THIS will get something going for Boston. Buck just mentioned Mark Shapiro. Shapiro had to go out of his way to make sure the announcers got his name correct. Any other time I’ve seen this name, it was pronounced “Shapeero,” but everyone on Fox has been careful to make sure it is pronounced “Sha-pie-ro.”

9:20
What just happened? Manny just hit a bloop home run to dead center, the umps are debating whether or not it is indeed a homer, and Manny only managed a single out of it. Replays prove that the Sox got hosed on this, yet in a predictable twist, Buck and McCarver apparently don’t realize that the yellow line means “home run.” I really hope Boston does not lose by one run (or in extras, for that matter). Sabathia strikes out Lowell and the inning is over. That might have been the weirdest home run I have ever seen. Everyone, including Manny, thought it would be a pop out, but it just carried to the fence.

9:28
Great, more Dane Cook.

Finally (and no, not about Cook)! I see lightning outside. I’m excited because that means my annoyance from all of the grating weather warning noises was not in vain.

9:30
Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought that if the baseball hit the yellow line it was a home run. Buck and McCarver have come to the conclusion that Manny’s shot did indeed hit the yellow line, so it was correct in not calling it a homer. Buck and McCarver, eh? I’m going to stick with what I thought in the first place. I maintain that it was a home run.

9:38
Varitek singles, the RKs are coming to the plate.

9:42
Crisp strikes out, Julio Lugo hits into a double play, RKs are 1-5.

9:47
I’m going to be the bigger man, so I’ll admit I was wrong about the yellow line rule (plus I don’t want to rewrite everything above). I always thought that the line signaled a homer, but at Jacobs field it is only a part of the fence. I didn’t think I’d be forced to write this, but Buck/McCarver: 1, David: 0. Get the noose ready for me.

9:49
I’ve noticed that I’ve been shortchanging the Cleveland hitters (in terms of writing about their at-bats)…oh well. Things will get more interesting in the later innings, so I’ll have plenty to write about them then.

9:58
Two outs, Ortiz on, 3-2 count for Manny, and Mike Lowell on deck. If Manny can get on base, Lowell will have arguably the most important at-bat of the night (depending on how close things stay). It’s a walk. Now, can the RBI Machine inflict some damage on the Indians?

10:03
Lowell gets hit by the pitch, so the bases are loaded for Bobby Kielty. Can HE inflict some damage?

10:06
No he can’t. Routine fly ball for the third out with the bases loaded.

Let’s check in on the USF-Rutgers game.

10:07
Uh-oh, USF is trailing Rutgers 20-17. I don’t really have too much stock in this game, but I hope South Florida can pull it out. Back to the baseball game.

10:08
A commercial for “The Heartbreak Kid.” Moderately funny movie, but disappointing. I need to devote a blog (or blogs) to reviewing movies and television shows. Or perhaps a review of the Bob Dylan concert I’m going to on Friday? That’s right, bitches. I’ll shut up now, the game is back on.

10:10
I’m thirsty, but all I have is this damn regular Pepsi.

10:11
OOOOOOOOOHHH! Lofton charges at Beckett and the benches clear! But nothing happens. Dammit.

Politically Correct David: Nice job by the umps for making sure that the little scuffle didn’t escalate.
Evil David: SOMEBODY THROW A PUNCH!

10:16
Josh Beckett has retired nine straight Indians.

This isn’t good. The bottom of my television screen just went from “Tornado Watch” to “Tornado Warning” and I’m not sure if this is pertaining to my area. Plus, I’ve totally jinxed Josh Beckett and now there are runners on first and third.

10:20
Strikeout for Beckett, inning over! (No “Jub-Jub as of yet.)

10:25
I know Varitek has been outstanding in recent memory, but he is a part of the RKs by default tonight (the seven spot), and they are now 1-6. Coco Crisp grounds out, RKs are 1-7. Julio Lugo strikes out to put the RKs at 1-8.

10:28
The Cleveland Indians have the meat of their lineup coming up. Beckett needs another huge inning. Just call me Mr. Obvious, or perhaps The John Madden of Baseball?

10:29
McCarver and Buck are speculating whether or not Jonathan Papelbon should be available to pitch two innings. Uh, duh! It’s an elimination game, fellas. Barring a lost limb, Papelbon has to be able to go longer than what he is normally accustomed. (Wasn’t this guy supposed to be a starter at one point? He hasn’t pitched since game 2, I think he can handle a couple innings on five days rest.)

10:37
One-two-three sixth for Beckett. He is locked in tonight (wow, another understatement on my part).

10:40
I haven’t noticed it so much tonight, but has anyone else noticed that when the camera closes in on a pitcher, the picture is real pixelly? It’s almost like they are using a satellite phone to videotape them.

10:44
Youkilis hits one into the gap, Pedroia scores, and Youkilis ends up with a triple. Sabathia is done for the night (His line? 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 H, 6K, 2BB. Ouch.). I still haven’t heard “Jub-Jub.”

10:47
Enter Rafael Betancourt.

10:49
Ortiz sacrifices to left, but what was up with Lofton’s basket catch? That may look cool, but I can’t help but reference “Major League”: “Nice catch Mays, don’t ever fucking do it again.”

10:54
Betancourt takes care of Boston’s big guns, but the damage has been done: Boston 4, Cleveland 1.

10:55
Checking in on the football game. Wow, Rutgers has the ball, up 27-20, and…what the hell is up with USF’s coach? Oh well, anyway, Rutgers hits a FG to go up 30-20. I’m not qualified to say this because I haven’t watched the game, but I’m going to anyway. I think the number two ranking is making USF pull a Peyton Manning.*

11:00
Oooh, Lofton is up again. Maybe we will get to see some more fireworks.

11:01
Bobby Kielty has left the game…J.D. Drew has entered. Let’s keep an eye on this developing situation (or developing inning-ending groundout).

11:02
Something I forgot to mention earlier: Josh Beckett’s ex-girlfriend delivered the national anthem. What a classy move on the part of the Indians organization.

11:03
Lofton reaches base on an Beckett error. I guess that is kind of like revenge.

11:08
Beckett records his 10th strikeout of the night and gets through the seventh inning.

11:13
J.D. Drew time! Wow! Drew works his way out of an 0-2 hole and draws a walk.

11:17
So that’s his name! The douche bag** who repeatedly bangs the drum in the outfield is John Adams. We have his name, so let’s get him, people!

11:18
Varitek (who, again, is an RK by default tonight) flies out, so the RKs are 1-9.

11:19
Coco Crisp grounds into a surefire double play, but Rafael Perez botches the throw and both runners are safe.

11:21
Perfect time to get a hit, Julio! Lugo lays down a perfect bunt, gets a hit out of it, and the Red Sox get to the top of their lineup with the bases loaded and one out. (This being said, the RKs are still 2-10 tonight, but I can forgive them if the Sox get some runs out of this.)

11:25
A past ball (not a wild pitch) through Victor Martinez, all runners advance and J.D. Drew scores, 5-1 Boston.

11:27
Pedroia walks to load the bases once again. Kevin Youkilis comes to the plate with one out.

11:29
Tom Mastny walks Youkilis, another run scores (6-1), and Ortiz comes to the plate with the bases loaded and one out. Hmmm. A five run lead and the bases loaded? If this were the regular season, Alex Rodriguez would eat this up.

11:32
RBI hits another sac fly, Lugo scores, and it is 7-1, in favor of Boston.

11:33
Hmmm, McCarver and Buck have kind of stolen my thunder, but I’ll discuss this anyway. I would pull Beckett now and keep him as an insurance policy for game seven. I don’t know if I trust Daisuke in a deciding game at this point, and Beckett would have an adequate amount of rest to pitch a few innings.

11:35
Manny strikes out to end the inning. In related news, there is still nothing on the “Jub-Jub” front.

11:37
Just turned it to the football game in time to see USF lose to Rutgers 30-27. They really “pulled a Manning” on this one.

11:44
Becket gets through the eighth. I’m guessing he is done for the night (of course his stuff hasn’t tapered off, and since he has reached the fail-safe zone, he might as well try and go the distance). His line: 8 IP, 5 H, 11 K, 1 ER. Wow. He’s outplayed C.C. Sabathia twice, so no matter who wins the Cy Young, I think we know who deserves it.

11:48
What the hell was up with the “Take Back the Future: 1/14/08” ad? I guess the fact that I am asking about it means it was effective, but I have no idea what they were advertising.^ I guess it’s a show on Fox.

11:49
Man, everything is working for Boston right now. J.D. Drew just hit one into the gap for a leadoff double. Now the RKs are up, but they haven’t really been an issue tonight. Varitek grounds out, but Drew gets to third (RKs: 2-11).

11:53
Coco Crisp grounds out, strands Drew on third, and ends the night 0-5 (RKs: 2-12). Okay Buck, you have three outs to say “Jub-Jub.” Come on! You made a promise to Conan! Do you hate it when people give money to charities in your name, is that it!?

11:56
Beckett’s done for the night, enter Papelbon.

11:57
It has just been mentioned that Terry Francona’s dad is named Tito. Am I the only person who giggles at the name Tito Francona?

11:59
djifjaifjiejiajifjeifjiejijikjiei What? Oh. Sorry, I fell asleep at the keyboard thanks to Tim McCarver’s painfully unfunny bus story about Jonathan Papelbon.

12:01
Papelbon notches his first strikeout, two to go, and we were privileged to see the pitcher’s celebratory River Dance. Hmm. Buck mentioned the dance on Conan last night, does this mean “Jub-Jub” still has a chance?

12:03
Ryan Garko shoots one into the gap and keeps the Indians alive in the ninth.

12:08
Papelbon walks Kenny Lofton, two outs, runners on first and third.

12:10
Pop out to center, and Papelbon sends the Red Sox to a game six, and…um…am I forgetting something? Oh yeah. THAT MOTHERFUCKER JOE BUCK DIDN’T SAY “JUB-JUB.” Thanks for nothing, jerk.

12:11
Well, that will do it. Don’t expect another running diary anytime soon. That is unless the Red Sox trail in game six and, using some superstitious logic, I try to start a rally by journalizing every little detail.

*I think that from now on, in any moment in life where the word choke should be used, we as a society should say “pull a Manning.” “I’m sorry ma’am, we couldn’t save your husband, the jerky was lodged in his throat and he “pulled a Manning” to death.”
**I initially typed this in as one word, but, in true comedic fashion, Word’s Spell Check informed me that it is “douche bag.” This reminds me of a comedian’s (whose name I can’t remember) bit about Google. He has a little rant where he says that Google is getting too cocky with it’s “Did you mean…” feature. His punch line is “yes Google, I did mean vagina!” He was an otherwise crappy comic, but that was a great bit.
^Whether you love or hate their commercials, there is no arguing that GEICO, from a humor standpoint, has the best marketing team in the business, with maybe the exception of the beer companies. But even then, they usually only bring their top-shelf stuff to the Super Bowl.
***We didn’t hear much from Paul Byrd after the second inning tonight. Apparently he doesn’t speak much when the Indians lose.