RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

Rudy Giuliani: Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank you for coming out today—9/11!!

Aide 1: Uh-oh, looks like Rudy’s September 11th Tourette syndrome is kicking in.

Aide 2: You mean that’s why he mentions 9/11 so much?

RG: It’s been a long, tough, but ultimately fruitful campaign, and I’d like to thank every single one of you, known and unknown, for all of the hard work put in to make this thing possible—SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH!!

Aide 1: Yeah, why did you think he says those buzz words so much?

Aide 2: I don’t know, I just assumed that he was trying to play on the fears, sympathies, and/or paranoia of the American people in order to sway voters into electing him. I mean, it makes sense, if he paints himself as the strong, brave leader who helped get the Big Apple back on its feet after the terrorist attacks, he could look very appealing.

RG: I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were forced to face this challenge on my own. I am sure of one thing, though. If I began this quest without your help, I would have put so much stress on my family, I’d have to get divorced again.

Aide 1: I’m not sure that I see what you mean.

Aide 2: Think about it. Even though many could argue that Rudy got caught with his pants down on the morning that the 9/11 tragedy took place, he can just manipulate people into thinking that without him, things in New York would never have been the same.

(laughter from the divorce joke subsides)

RG: Yet, in all seriousness, I truly want to thank each and every one of my supporters for their hard work from the bottom of my heart—TWIN TOWERS!!!

Aide 1: What good would that do?

Aide 2: Gee, Bernard, follow along a little bit here. If Giuliani could convince people to think that things would have been all “Cloverfield” up in New York without him, imagine the load of crap he could feed to Americans as a whole.

RG: You all—9/11!!—mean so very—bin Laden!!!!—much to me…

…

TERRORIST!!!

Aide 1: He could illustrate himself as being the perfect candidate!

Aide 2: Exactly! I mean, why offer American citizens real solutions to problems, when you could make up problems that don’t exist? It’s the perfect campaign strategy. He might be a pro-choice Republican, but who cares about that…

Aide 1: Right-wing holy rollers with low-level brain function!!

Aide 2: Let me finish! Who cares about that when you can make up issues that are simply imaginary? Let me spell it out for you. All Rudy would have to do is create some sort of imaginary quandary that seemingly puts America at risk. For instance…

(thinking)

(Fingers snap) I’ve got it! Like, instead of promising Americans that he will exact revenge on Osama bin Laden for his cowardly acts on September 11th—

Aide 1: And you say bin Laden because he is the one responsible?

Aide 2: Duh! Don’t you know anything? Of course bin Laden is responsible. The government said so. And if there’s one thing about government suspects, even if the facts don’t add up, they named the guy, so he is responsible.

Aide 1: I see.

RG: And it brings me great sorrow to have to say the following—WMDS!! IRAQ!! 9/11!!

Aide 2: Now as I was saying, Giuliani could simply say he would exact revenge on bin Laden for 9/11.

Aide 1: Uh-huh.

Aide 2: Then he could, um, maybe make up some story that no one with half a brain would believe. Give me a second here to think… Um… Aha! He could tell Americans that bin Laden and al Qaeda were in cahoots with someone like Saddam Hussein and Iraq!

Aide 1: But how could that work? It’s well documented that Saddam and Osama despise each other. Are we really to believe that they would trust each other enough to lay the ground work for an attack like this?

Aide 2: What in the hell did I say about scare tactics?

Aide 1: Oh!! So it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to be scary?

Aide 2: Now you’re getting it! Anyway, he could bring Saddam into the picture, talk about plans to get bin Laden, slowly but surely raise “Hussein-awareness,” and completely switch the blame over to Saddam.

Aide 1: Do you think Americans would be that gullible? I mean, to the point that they would forget about bin Laden completely?

Aide 2: They would if you brought up another threat.

Aide 1: Now what do you mean?

Aide 2: He could just make sure his media-puppets would align with his plans and then make up some ridiculous claim about Iraq plotting another attack on American soil.

Aide 1: Hee-hee, I like how you said “another.” Like Iraq was actually involved in the first attack.

Aide 2: Isn’t it brilliant?

Aide 1: It is. But I have one question, how could you sell the Americans the notion that Iraq is preparing an attack with absolutely no evidence?

Aide 2: Four magic words: weapons of mass destruction.

Aide 1: Okay, now hold the phone. Americans may be stupid, but surely they aren’t that stupid. Anyone with at least a sixth grade education knows that Iraq wouldn’t have the means to create and then deploy WMDs on American shores. Hell, the most advanced weaponry they have is our stuff from the 1980’s. You know, when Ronald Reagan gave Saddam a bunch of our warheads?

Aide 2: Of course I know, everyone does. Oh, Ronald (sighs). Before we continue to talk about Rudy’s campaign strategy, let’s give a shout-out to the best president ever.

Aides 1 and 2 in unison: ZEIG HEIL!!

Aide 2: Okay, where were we?

Aide 1: We were just talking about selling the idea of WMDs to American citizens.

Aide 2: Right. Now, once the idea of a nuclear holocaust penetrates their brains, it’s as if Americans become clay in Rudy’s hand. From here he can just declare war on Iraq.

Aide 1: Really?

Aide 2: Oh yeah! And those pussy Democrats would have no choice but to vote in favor of the war. Any potential voices of dissent would just be called un-American and anti-troops. If this happened, they would lose any shot of re-election. And if that were to happen, Giuliani would give even more powers to the executive branch through his automaton congress. And he already would have exceeded what the forefathers outlined for him in the constitution, even with those pesky Democrats.

Aide 1: Wow, those damn Democrats would be powerless. It’s amazing what cheap little fear tactics can do to your opponent, especially when they don’t want to stoop to your level.

Aide 2: You’ve got that straight. Now, as far as Iraq goes, here is where the plan becomes ingenious. We go over with an air-strike first, blow some shit up, and show the rest of world how tough we are.

Aide 1: Damn right! We’d really “Git-R-Done!”

Aide 2: Ha, you’re so witty and insightful!

Aide 1: Thanks, but I can’t take credit, I owe that little one-liner to the comedic genius of Larry the Cable Guy.

Aide 2: Masterful, isn’t he?

Aide 1: And how. Now what about the ground strike?

Aide 2: This is where it gets beautiful. We go in and lay the smackdown on Baghdad, and I guarantee you that for the first few months, things will move swimmingly.

Aide 1: And after that?

Aide 2: Well, once we can’t use brute force anymore things get a little chippy. I mean, tactical combat isn’t exactly our forte these days.

Aide 1: True.

Aide 2: But Rudy could even use that to his advantage. Quick sidenote: what resource is Iraq known for around the world?

Aide 1: Taxi drivers?

Aide 2: No, but good guess, though. What I’m referring to is oil.

Aide 1: Oooooh.

Aide 2: All Rudy has to do is get our troops stuck in a quagmire, hire some old buddies to take care of the oil situation, and laugh all the way to the bank.

Aide 1: Surely Americans would be smarter than to let him do this. I mean now you’re just treating our citizens like they are mentally retarded.

Aide 2: Well…

Aide 1: Okay, hypothetically, say this works and we can actually trick Americans into thinking that occupying Iraq is a good idea, what’s the next step?

Aide 2: To make sure the idea can still be sold to Americans, Rudy can just trick the people into thinking that he isn’t deploying our soldiers only to have them run around with their thumbs up their butt thanks to poor leadership, but rather, he can tell Americans that the Iraqis are not smart enough to take control of the military campaign and start their own democracy.

Aide 1: You mean he can actually play on the preconceived stereotype most Americans have about Middle-Easterners not being as intelligent or as capable as us?

Aide 2: You bet your ass he can.

Aide 1: Even so, surely Americans could only take one or two years of innocent soldiers being killed in a war for oil.

Aide 2: Not necessarily, all Giuliani would have to do is talk about patriotism, democracy, and what Jesus wants. Oh, and of course…

Aide 1: Of course what?!

Aide 2: Okay, well, get this…sorry, I can’t stop from laughing, but…he could actually tell Americans that if we don’t stay over in Iraq, destroying their country for no reason, they would come over here and attack us…(air quotations) again. Hee-hee, isn’t it brilliant? They never attacked us! They had no links to the people who (air quotations) attacked us! But he already would have brainwashed Americans into the thinking that the enemy was in Iraq!

Aide 1: I get it! And if we don’t stay over in Iraq, there will be another…9/11!! So that’s why he said it so much!!!

Aide 2: Yep, I think you’ve got it.

Aide 1: Yeah, but how long can this little plan last? Do you think Americans would ever make us shut down this oil-field goldmine?

Aide 2: Only if they vote a Democrat.

Aide 1: Ecch, don’t say that, it makes my skin crawl…and to think, that tramp Hillary is running! There better not be another Clinton in the White House! Sheesh…Bill Clinton, what a joke.

Aide 2: I know. I mean, who cares about a booming economy and loads of new jobs? The man got a blow job in the oval office!! Not only should he have been impeached, he should have been forced to resign!

Aide 1: I’ve got a quick question, though. Is this little “Iraq Plan” impeachment-worthy?

Aide 2: You’d think so, but not if you have enough friends…and especially not if you’ve scared enough Americans.

RG: So, I’d like to officially close by once again thanking you all for your support. However, as I said, I am officially taking myself out of consideration for the Republican nomination. Go McCain!

Aide 1 and 2 in unison: What!!

Aide 1: What the hell happened to your plan?! I thought it was fool-proof!

Aide 2: It is, but could someone possibly already have done it?

(Unwittingly, both are standing in front of a backdrop of President Bush)

Aide 1: Maybe, I mean, I did get this weird sense of déjà vu while we were talking.

Aide 2: Yeah, I got that, too.

Aide 1: Well, shit, I guess this means our internships are done. What are you going to do?

Aide 2: Probably go back and finish getting my degree* at Bob Jones University. You?

Aide 1: I’m going to try and see if I can get my managing job back at Bass Pro Shops.

Aide 2: Sounds good.

Aide 1: Hopefully we can keep in touch.

Aide 2: We’ve always got the Republican convention to go to this summer, will I see you there?

Aide 1: It’s a date!

Aide 2: Don’t say “date,” you know that God hates fags.**

Aide 1: You’re right, how stupid of me. Sorry, Jesus!

RG: Good night folks, I love you!!—9/11!!!!

*Bob Jones University is not an accredited university. I swear.
**Would you actually believe that there is a website called http://www.godhatesfags.com/? And would you also believe that the people who run the site purport to be good, Christian people? Well, you’d better, because it’s true.