"Spy-Gate" has been blown WAY out of proportion

It is time to set the record straight on the so-called spy-Gate scandal involving the New England Patriots. Certain people seem to think that it is cute to throw out condescending terms such as Bill Belicheat or Tom Shady (the latter of which I think is the weakest put-down I have ever heard). Apparently to some people, the whole issue involving the video feed of the New York Jets sideline somehow cancels out the three Super Bowls that the Patriots won. Apparently to these people all of the clutch drives, smashmouth defense, and last second kicks were nullified by the infamous video tape (which the NFL has stated on record, after examination, that it did not in any way give the Patriots a competitive advantage). So, what will I now refer to “these people” as? Morons.

Now, I like to chastise Colts fans as much as the next intelligent person, but in this case, I am not so much criticizing Colts fans as I am morons who happen to be Colts fans (although this pretty much goes hand in hand). But I will not discriminate in this case, because there are numerous morons all around the league (cough-Ladainian Tomlinson-cough). The best way to disseminate all of the attacks on the Patriots is to analyze each individual case from all sides. I will start with the Colts, if only because I take so much delight in pointing out the ignorance of most Indianapolis fans.*

Morons affiliated with the Colts (either as a fan or personnel) seem to have the delusional thought that the Patriots used surveillance to beat the Colts year after year in the post season (apparently New England used a magical video camera that sapped any sort of crunch-time ability out of Peyton Manning). First of all, there is only one reported case of the Patriots using video equipment to attempt to gain an edge. Secondly, there are only two additional rumored cases of the same scenario. There has never even been a rumor (much less evidence) that New England used this practice against the Colts. Yet, none of this matters to Colts fans. Their team lost, so New England must have cheated. Let us take a look at other reasons why the Colts have no reason to feel cheated by New England.

First of all, let us not discount the fact that Peyton Manning is quite possibly the greatest choke artist of this era (it is a close competition between he and Alex Rodriguez—honorable mention: Phil Mickelson, who is earning back his reputation after the fiasco at Winged Foot), maybe ever. And I am aware that Manning’s Colts won the Super Bowl, but even that is deceiving: they lucked into playing the offensively constipated Baltimore with the two seed, they were HORRENDOUS in the first half of the AFC title game against New England (why is this important? The Pats played the second half too conservatively, leading to the onslaught from the Colts…all of which would be a moot point if Reche Caldwell** could catch A WIDE OPEN PASS, but alas, this is a story for another day), and they beat a Bears team that might not have been able to win the Super Bowl if they played the Oakland Raiders. And that Super Bowl MVP Manning won? It was a pity award. Anyone who watched the game without bias would have let Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes split the award (and let us not forget Devin Hester, the only reason the Bears were somewhat competitive).

Aside from the 2006 Playoffs, Manning’s career has played out like this: the bigger the game, the smaller the performance:

At Tennessee, arch-rival Florida gave Manning fits when it mattered most.

1994—In his first start, the Manning-led Tennessee Volunteers lose to the Florida Gators 31-0 in a foreshadowing of things to come.

1995—Manning’s greatest college choke: Tennessee squanders a 16 point first half lead, gives up 48 unanswered points, and lose 62-37.***

1996—Florida meets Tennessee to kick off the SEC schedule. The Gators win 35-29, making Manning 0-3 in contests against UF.****

1997—With the national spotlight (and the growing whispers of being unclutch) focused on Manning, the Volunteers lose to Florida 33-20, propelling the Gators to the national title.

2000—Colts lose in overtime against the Miami Dolphins in the Wild Card Playoffs.

2002—Colts lose in a blowout to the New York Jets, yet another early playoff exit for Manning.

2003—Colts lose the AFC title game to the New England Patriots 24-14, Mr. MVP (Manning) throws four interceptions. (During the regular season meeting, the Colts had a 1st and Goal from the two yard line for the win and could not punch it in, thus giving New England home field advantage.)

2004—Colts lose in Divisional Playoffs to the Patriots 20-3. Manning finishes the regular season with a record with 49 TD passes…he finishes the Divisional Playoffs with a donut.

2005—The Colts, who started out 13-0, lose to the Steelers in their first playoff game (which was at home, I may add).

Now that you have waded through this testament to Peyton Manning’s mediocrity, we move on to the second point. I know that Colts fans like to put their team on a moral pedestal (Random Colts fan: “We won it the right way!” Me: “First of all, when did you take a front office position with the Colts, secondly, what the hell is the “wrong” way?”), but if they used some logic, they would see how pampered their team is by the NFL. They routinely (even after winning the super bowl) receive soft schedules while their rival, New England, gets anally raped—in the strength of schedule department, of course. Want proof? Google the schedules of the Pats after their SB seasons, and the Colts this season. And the 2005 Playoffs proved that the league is so enamored with Manning’s crew that they will cheat for them. Anyone who argues that Troy Polamalu did not intercept “that pass” (you know the one I am talking about) is not in his or her right mind. Plus, we can not forget the infamous 2004 Colts rules change, but I do not need to rehash that. So now that there is proof that the Colts are given preferential treatment, I will tie this into my main point.

Colts fans and players (among others) somehow feel that their past failures against the Pats have been excused because of this tape incident. First of all, they are going off of rumors and speculation, so there would be just as much basis for Pats fans to claim that the Colts cheated them somehow. In fact, let me delve into that statement. NFL teams change their signals week-to-week. So the only way that video taping signals would help would be to view them at halftime. Yet in all of the playoff games in which the Pats beat the Colts, the Colts were dominated from start to finish. Conversely, the supposedly “pure” Colts had no offense in the first half of the 2006 AFC title game, yet magically got on a roll in the second half. Most likely, the Patriots conservative gameplan led to Indy’s victory, but if Indianapolis is allowed to suspect New England of cheating with no proof, why can’t it go both ways?

Now that I have gotten off of my Colts tangent (sorry, but I sometimes can not help myself when it comes to exposing Manning), let us look around the league to find some other idiots. Next stop: Philadelphia. Ah yes, the Patriots whipping boys in Super Bowl XXXIX. Is it not ironic that the Eagles would feel they were cheated? To speed the readers up, in the aftermath of the surveillance scandal, many Eagles were asked to comment about the Super Bowl loss now. Many players (although I would like to commend Donovan McNabb for staying classy) publicly stated that they were “certain” they were cheated, and hoped that the league would somehow make them Super Bowl champions after the fact. What!? I’d like to get some of the pot that they are smoking. First, as I stated before, video taping signals would only help a team in the second half of a football game. But take a look at the Pats’ titles, they played decidedly worse in the second half of all three Super Bowl wins.

Hey Eagles, instead of claiming that you were cheated out of a title, why don’t you examine how you played? Aside from the Herculean performance of Terrell Owens, the rest of your team was tight the entire game. Donovan McNabb, unfortunately, choked in the closing minutes, as did Andy Reid, who apparently lost any ability to manage the game clock. It was pathetic seeing your team squander a legitimate chance to put together a winning drive by playing the last three minutes as if you were a pee-wee team.***** But of course, New England video taped you guys, so that is the reason you could not get it done.

Up next, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Much like the Eagles, a few Steeler players (at least those who were involved in the 2005 AFC title game) hinted that they felt entitled to some sort of championship compensation. Most notably, Hines Ward, who claimed that there was no doubt that the Pats cheated because they should not have been able to shut down the Steelers. Wow Hines, arrogant and delusional, nice combo. But you may be right. Or it could be that one of the greatest game planners of all time figured out your rookie quarterback after playing him in a prior regular season matchup, which coincidentally, was around the time that he peaked. But I don’t know, you could be right.

Finally, we have the San Diego Chargers. They went into last year’s playoffs with a league best 14-2 record. However, in their first playoff game against the Pats, the prolific Chargers offense was shut down, and the Patriots advanced to the AFC title game. After the game, LT tooke exception to some Patriots players mockingly performing Shawne Merriman’s “Lights Out” celebratory dance. He proceeded to refer to himself as being classy, while claiming Belichick and his Patriots had no class. After the camera scandal broke out, LT, in a decidedly classy move, claimed that the Patriots motto is “if you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying.” That’s funny LT. What is funnier is the fact that you seem to neglect the fact that the best player on the Chargers (next to you of course, but you already know that, don’t you, you classy SOB?) was suspended four games last year for showing signs of steroids on a failed drug test. But you are right, LT. Video tapes that the NFL has deemed ineffective in terms of deciphering the oppositions defensive schemes is a lot more heinous than ingesting banned substances. Thank God we have such a classy guy setting us straight. Give me a break.

*Although I would like to note that I do know Colts fans who know themselves some football. These individuals know who they are and should not take offense to the cracks I dish out.
**Is it just me, or should Caldwell, like Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone, become known in the greater New England area as Reche “F***ing” Caldwell?
*** Adding insult to injury, Manning, who was supposed to be that week’s Sports Illustrated cover story, was so outplayed by his Florida counterpart, that at the last second, SI’s editors reneged and gave the cover to Danny Wuerffel.
****Also in 1996, Manning’s sexual advances go awry and the University of Tennessee settles a sexual harassment lawsuit with Jamie Ann Naughright. What does this have to do with being unclutch? Manning even chokes when it comes to getting laid.
*****The most surreal moment of the Eagles’ lackidaisical final drive? Seeing a bewildered Belichick on the sidelines giving off a “don’t they realize the clock situation?” vibe.