A Few Suggestions For Mr. Jones...

1) It's time to fire Humpty-Dumpty. I feel bad for this, because Coach Phillips seems like such a good guy. But I picture him bouncing a grandson on his knee around a fireplace, not coaching a team towards a Super Bowl. So take drop his overly lax fat ass immediately.

2) Don't hand the keys over to Jason Garrett just yet (check that--ever). Isn't the guy supposed to be an offensive genius? I don't care how poorly a team plays on the field, when you are the coach-in-waiting due to your supposed offensive knowledge, and your team gets kept out of the endzone en route to a 44-6 loss in the biggest game of your season, nay, your career thus far, your performance needs reevaluation. Here's an idea, why don't you take your playbook back to Harvard, put a good bulk of the plays back in the hopper, and shove the few that seem successful up your ass, you gingerkid freak.

3) Things are hunky-dory now, even after the blowout, but if Terrell Owens begins to fume at all during the offseason, cut his ass. Roy Williams can be your playmaker if it means keeping the peace (although at this point, that's not looking promising or even feasible).

4) Find a no-nonsense, hardass coach to discipline this sorry excuse for a team. I hate the son of a bitch, but the best candidate out there is Bill Cowher. He may be a piece of shit, but I don't care if he routinely masturbates on playgrounds as long as he can get the most out of these underachievers (looking at how these personalities blew up this team, it makes the 1990s Cowboys and Jimmy Johnson all that more impressive considering they had even bigger egos--and they also liked to mix in coke and whores).

Your 2008 NFL MVP is...

Peyton Manning deserves the 2008 MVP award.

Nay, Peyton Manning is the 2008 MVP.

Go ahead, pick your jaw up off the floor, I'll wait.

...

When you look at what the Indianapolis Colts have done this season, it's hard to argue against Manning. After a tough loss in Week 8 against the Tennessee Titans, the Colts dropped to 3-4. And it was an inflated 3-4. They probably should not have defeated the Vikings and they definitely should have lost to the Houston Texans. In all honesty, the team should have been 1-6.

And it would have been an understandable 1-6. Manning entered the season on a tender, twice surgically-repaired knee that kept him sidelined during training camp and the preseason. With an offense that depends on timing and precision, the Colts slumped out of the gates. It presented one of the few situations where it seemed all right for a demoralized team to simply give up.

But the team kept saying all the right things.

"I can't really give you one, simple answer...we just need to play better," said Manning. following a 34-14 thrashing at the hands of the Green Bay Packers.

"If we play well and get ourselves on a streak and get going, we can be a playoff team," said Tony Dungy, following the deflating loss to the Titans.

At the time, it looked like a proud team hoping to use tough talk in order to will some wins. But then the Colts kept winning. And winning.

They notched their first win of the streak against the only team in the league with less to feel good about in 2008 than the Colts, long-time rivals, the New England Patriots. They followed this win with victories over Pittsburgh, Houston, San Diego, Cleveland, and Cincinnati. Starting with the New England game, the Colts margins of victory were: three points, four points, six points, three points, four points, and 32 points.

Throw out that snoozer against the worthless Bengals, and you have five straight victories by a total of only 17 points. In other words, the Colts are the luckiest team in the league. As hard as it may seem to believe, that's not meant to be a putdown. If Jabar Gafney catches a wide open Hail Mary, the Colts don't beat the Patriots, if Ben Roethlisberger doesn't turn into an interception machine, they don't beat the Steelers, if they don't convert on a game-deciding fourth down, they don't beat the Chargers, and if Cleveland can hold onto the damn football, they don't beat the Browns. I'll say it again, they are the luckiest team in football.

But, aside from their defense as of late, the common denominator in these wins is Manning. He has done just enough to eke out these wins. Lucky or not, the man who began the season on a bum knee has willed his team to a 9-4 record and has them knocking on the door of a wild card berth. And doesn't the saying go 'I'd rather be lucky than good?'

A down year in the MVP race also helps Manning's case. Who deserves it more than he does? Kurt Warner? Maybe, but the egg his team laid against the Giants hurt his chances big time. And with another award putting Warner's tally at three, voters may be wary that a vote for him as MVP equals a vote for his hall of fame candidacy--not exactly something they would feel comfortable with.

Aside from Warner, who, maybe Drew Brees? He deserves consideration if he breaks Dan Marino's single-season passing record, but unless New Orleans makes a playoff run, his prospects look bleak. Had the Cowboys not given an early Christmas gift to the Steelers, I probably would have made the case for Tony Romo (on the condition that Dallas runs the table) or Demarcus Ware (actually, he's still deserving, but I'm a realist, defensive players never have a chance).

In essence, Manning wins by default. That may seem like my backhanded way of giving him kudos, but it's the truth. Nevertheless, Manning's will has taken the Colts from pitiful to the team that no one wants to face in the playoffs. In a down year for the leauge, that alone makes Peyton Manning my 2008 NFL MVP.

I will now find an oven to stick my head in.

More Thoughts

--I sincerely hope that TNT was simply testing out those hideous graphics from last night's preseason game between the Suns and Nuggets. Just keep the score box the way it was, guys.

--What's up with the trend of NFL players making plays and then pointing to the back of their jersey. I'm of the opinion that 'ra-ra' shows of team spirit are overrated, and even I think that this is bad. Even Josh Brown, the Rams kicker got in on the action after kicking his game winner.

A Smattering of Thoughts

Quick Thoughts

--OJ Simpson may be a bag of fecal matter, but you cannot convince me that he had a fair trial for his latest transgressions. Should he have a successful appeal, would that make his acquittal for murder the ultimate double jeopardy?

--The Dallas Cowboys are the most discordant, disrespected 4-1 team I think I have ever seen.

--Normally I would be pissed at the Indianapolis Colts receiving the biggest gift of any team in NFL history against the Houston Texans on Sunday, but then I remember this: They are 2-2 with two fluke wins and they are about to hit the rough part of their schedule. Sorry Colts fans, but your team's toast, at least in 2008.

--On a related note, f*** you Sage Rosenfels.

--The SNL sketch "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" might have been the funniest non-political thing I have seen on the show in five years--and that says more about the sketch, not the show.

--The mere fact that Peter King not only likes the show Family Guy, but puts Brian the dog in his top four television characters of all-time makes me question his intellect outside of football.

Various Thoughts

I'm sitting at a public computer, but I thought I'd take the time to pass on to you a few pearls of wisdom (not that I should be spending time on this, but I'm doing it for you). I have had my memory jogged on a few issues that pertain to national events and want to warn you in advance that many of these items will be well past their expiration date. Enjoy.

--Let me paint a scene for you, shall I? I'm sitting in a mini computer lab with half a dozen fellow students, things are serene, and everyone is focusing on their work in a peaceful, quiet environment.

But hark! Is that the faint sound of a vibrating cell phone? It is!

"YO MAN, WHADDUP? NAH, I'M JUST CHILLING OUT! YO, LAST WEEKEND WAS RIDICULOUS! I KNOW! YEAH, DEFINITELY! THREE TIMES? YOU BASTARD! NAH, I'M JUST PLAYING! BUT FOR REAL, YO, HIT ME UP AGAIN THIS WEEKEND, ALRIGHT? YEAH, YOU TOO! PEACE!"

It never ceases to amaze me the level of inconsiderateness that permeates through society. Whenever I hear one of these poster-children for birth control speak, there are only two things I want to do:

1) Yank the cell phone out of their hand and destroy it.

and

2) Get in their face and ask "Did you notice how quiet it was before you answered your dumbass friend's phone call? Earth to dumbshit!"

--Speaking of public venues, I want to talk about another of my pet peeves, the university auditorium classroom setting. It's no big secret that I like my space. When I can, I like to arrive early to class to scope out the best seating arrangement. My goal is to pick a spot where I have at least one empty chair next to me, with preferably both slots open (I'm talking about classes that are not even close to filling up the entire seating arrangement). Now why is it that invariably, I not only get screwed by having two people decide at the last minute that the seats next to me are prime locations, but these people either smell, cough a lot, breath heavily, or seem to have some sort of sickness. And why is it that they feel the need to sprawl out and invade my personal space. I'd consider forgoing a few showers to create a putrid ambience, but I have a funny feeling that even this would fail to faze these inconsiderate people. I know I sound like an selfish ass, but most of the time, there are other, wide open seats. And I'm a bit of a germophobe, so an hour and a half next to Coughy or Sneezy means ninety minutes of me living on the edge.

Oh, and what I just said goes double for movie theater seating.

--A quick tangent about the very dated John Edwards sex scandal; how did we NOT see this coming? He's a smooth-talking former trial lawyer. He looks very young for his age (I'm gay!? He's in his 50s!). His wife seems sweet, but is not much of a looker. And did I mention he is fucking adorable!? Hell, I didn't know whether to consider giving him my vote or setting forth a motion that would allow me to comb his hair. I say this in jest, as I assure you I am not gay (plus I'd avoid whoring myself out to John Edwards to remain pure for Tom Brady), but it's not secret that Edwards was/is popular with the ladies. He became a rock star, which didn't bode well for his fidelity.

--Some thoughts on the 2008 Ryder Cup:

You should never say that you are ashamed to be an American, but damn it if I didn't come close to uttering these words this past Sunday. For those of you who didn't see it, the actions and behavior of the American fans and many of the United States players was an absolute disgrace! I despise Sergio Garcia with every atom of my being, but after a few holes of that cocksucking diva, Anthony Kim (Garcia's playing partner), and listening to the U.S. fans cheering two consecutive shots in the water from Garcia, I secretly began rooting for him. Well, I won't go that far, but I was heading in that direction (psst, don't tell my Dad that). Think I'm overreacting? Here are a couple of more specific examples of poor fan behavior:

1) My father attended the practice round on Tuesday and followed Sergio Garcia around* virtually the entire day. When the Spaniard stuck his approach shot on a Par 4 within five feet, a spectator (who I'm guessing was some hayseed sporting at least one item of Confederate regalia) shouted "nice par, Sergio!" I'd like to stress the douchebaggery of such a comment while reiterating that contrary to what this defense leads you to believe, I still think that Sergio is a whiny piece of shit who can't win the big one (think Peyton Manning circa 2004). It's one thing to shout barbs like this at football or basketball games, but this is golf. There's a certain etiquette we are dealing with here, which is lost on those good ol' boys from Kentucky.

2) A friend met and conversed with an Irish couple who attended the Ryder Cup. With much prodding from my pal, the couple, who for their part were trying to avoid making disparaging comments about their host country, admitted that the fan behavior at Valhalla was deplorable, isolated to the United States, and made them feel legitimately unsafe at various junctures throughout the day. And we wonder why the rest of the world has the "Ugly American" stereotype entrenched in their minds.

Still think I'm being too harsh? Let's forget for a moment that the American fans were out of control this past weekend. Instead, let's focus on the American players. While I was happy for a few of them (Kenny Perry, most notably), many made me cringe just by glancing. The biggest culprits were Anthony Kim, a collosal douche bag on the level of a Hitler, or a Sean Hannity, and Boo Weekley. Here are the things that I love to hate most about Boo:

1) His name. I don't give a shit if it is a nickname or his given name, it still embarrasses the hell out me as a fellow American.

2) His penchant for certain extracurriculars. Admitting on your sport's biggest world stage that you'd "rather be hunting" validates the cliche that is the unintelligent, redneck, dumbshit southerner.

3) His vocabulary coupled with his accent:

"I feel like a dog someone stuck a needle into and juiced them up at a greyhound track to chase one of them bunnies."

Holy shit. That (unfortunately) speaks for itself.

4) His actions, which can be summed up in this picture:

Okay, the pic does not seem to be cooperating, so here is a link to a story which has the picture at the top of the screen: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/funny_old_game/7630831.stm

This is the Ryder Cup, not some scramble at the local muni, you stupid dipshit! For further analysis on this inbred, look at the great Jason Whitlock's latest column on foxsports.com (hyperlinks aren't working either: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8606014/10-truths:-A-turnaround-in-Detroit?).

Forget foreign affairs or the economy, this is why we, as a nation, are screwed.

*Knowing about the axe I have to grind with Sergio, my dad made me a hilarious monument to the man. He created a collage of various Sergio pictures taken during Tuesday's practice round, with the piece de resistance being an 8X10 nestled behind an autographed ticket. I despise the golfer, but greatly appreciate the humor--this baby is now decorating the wall of my apartment.

Fallout From the Tom Brady Injury

Initially, I hoped that my triumphant return to the blogosphere would be a week one NFL recap in which I could discuss three main issues:

1) The Dallas Cowboys looking like the team to beat in the entire league, not just the NFC.

2) The New England Patriots quashing any thoughts of a “Super Bowl hangover” with a convincing win over the lowly Kansas City Chiefs.

3) The Indianapolis Colts coming out flat, prompting many to wonder if Indy, in its current iteration, had its window of opportunity closed last season with yet another disappointing playoff exit, this time at the hands of the San Diego Chargers.

While I’ll have ample time to cover the first and last points in the fashion I had hoped, first, let’s tackle the hoodie-wearing elephant in the room—the now-enigmatic New England Patriots.

For starters, let’s go over what most would agree to be the best-case scenario for this club:

Utilizing the significant weapons around him, Matt Cassell ranges from serviceable to very good on a week-to-week basis, leading New England to their most difficult division title in the Belichick era. In the playoffs, Cassell plays the role of last year’s Eli Manning—by minimizing mistakes and riding the coattails of the defense to playoff success. Of course, while we’re dreaming, this scenario also demands continued stellar play from a linebacking corps that is not getting any younger as well as quick maturation of a very inexperienced secondary.

Now, the worst-case scenario:

Matt Cassell proceeds to validate the fears of many a New Englander, failing to build on what was already a very sub-par pre-season (maybe not as bad as the 0-4 record suggests—he did spend a lot of time without access to the offensive starters that he will now—but still not very good). The problems don’t stop there; the offensive line that began to show cracks against the Giants in Super Bowl XLII (and also against Bernard Pollard last Sunday) continues to deteriorate. The veterans on defense begin to look older than ever and the young guys fail to mesh with the Belichick system. In a season in which many conspiracy theorists accused the NFL of gift-wrapping another 16-0 season for New England, the Patriots don’t even sniff the playoffs.

Heavy stuff.

But as the bent of both scenarios suggest, neither possibility is about to happen. At least not in the manner that’s described. For example, no matter what the optimists tell you, at this juncture, it is absurd to even consider the possibility of a title for New England. And, with apologies to Pete Prisco, it also seems unlikely that the Pats are dealing with a totally ‘Chicken Little’ scenario.

Yes, Tom Brady is the most important cog in Belichick’s machine. Yes, Brady established himself last year (well, prior to that for people like me, but last year for those indifferent or opposed to Brady) as one of, if not the, best quarterbacks ever. But, like all of the great ones, Brady would not be Brady (a reference to the Super Bowl rings and the astronomical stats, not so much to the relationship with Gisele) without his supporting cast.

I’m not one for the sappy “there’s no ‘I’ in team” crap that most people tend to love so much. In fact, I actually detest it. But not even this will prevent me from pointing out that the New England Patriots have the greatest system in all of sports. They have overcome countless injuries in the past and have thrived under stressful circumstances. And while this will be their toughest loss to overcome, they still have the core remaining from what might have been the greatest football squad ever assembled (Super Bowl title or not). That means they still have a talented defense with lots of pride and an explosive offense with lots of pride. Did I mention that the Patriots are full of pride? For a team that has thrived carrying a chip on their shoulder, this Brady injury—and the ensuing fallout, doubting the team’s chance for success in 2008—may be the most inspirational thing to hit the locker of Gillette Stadium since Bill Belichick arrived in 2000. And that is saying A LOT.

My hunch is that the team will rally around Matt Cassell. They’ll go out of their way to defend him early on and will learn to disguise some of his deficiencies as the season goes on. It’s also a safe bet that Coach Belichick will retool the offense, promoting a smashmouth running game that worked so well for the team in the past. In fact, this might be a blessing in disguise for New England. By learning to play without Brady this year, they will be even more prepared for the 2009 season. And with Number 12 no doubt seeking redemption, it will be quite a scary proposition for the rest of the league.

Okay, so maybe we’re treading back into the wishful thinking, best-case scenario area. But you can be sure about one thing: the so-called experts are counting out New England way too early. With a team hungry to prove they are not just Tom and the Bradyettes and a coach looking to capitalize on an opportunity to cement his legacy (or salvage, depending on whether or not you’re a Colts fan) by winning without his Hall of Fame quarterback, you can bet that while the Super Bowl might be a stretch, a sixth straight AFC East title certainly is not.

The Shaq/Kobe Feud...Part Deux?

Thanks a lot, Shaq. You put me through a lot of angst a few years back during your very public feud with Kobe. But then you patched things up, things were cool, right?

You shook his hand on Martin Luther King's Day, making amends on national television.

You said that you stood by Kobe "one thousand percent" when it was made clear that Dr. Jerry Buss, not Bryant as it has so often been assumed, was the one who ultimately sent you packing to Miami.

You said that Kobe was a worth recipient of this year's MVP trophy.

And you sounded congratulatory and downright proud whenever Mr. Bryant made it to his first NBA Finals without you.

So what gives!?

Why, after all of this, would you perform a freestyle rap that includes, among other things, these tidbits:

"Kobe couldn't do without me..."

"He's the reason I'm getting a divorce..."

"How's my ass taste, Kobe?"

We know, you said that you were merely frestyling, and that you meant nothing by the words that you spoke. But it didn't occur to you that in order to avoid a media firestorm, it might be best to ask someone else how your ass tastes? Now you've got ESPN aflutter (ESPN suit: "Yeah, another controversy we can pretend to debate about sporadically until the NBA season gets under way!") and you've put those of us who are fans of both you and Kobe into a tizzy--once again.

In order to get through this, I'm going to try and piece through the rationale you used when deciding to diss Kobe on stage. It should be noted that this whole thing was covered by TMZ (one of the many things contributing to the impending armageddon), so there is a good chance that you were merely goofing and blissfully unaware that the cameras were rolling.

Of course, this either means that you were under the impression you could joke (as you claim) due to the lack of coverage, or, you didn't see any cameras and decided to let your true feelings for Kobe out. Part of me is afraid that it is the latter. After all, your initial olive branch was only extended at the behest of Bill Russell (as you so publicly noted). Perhaps there is still ill will deep inside.

On the other hand, surely you realized that at least 75% of the attendees have some sort of video function on their phone. It's possible that you want to vent about Kobe, but you'd think that it would be under more private circumstances. Then again, maybe you just didn't think about video phones. That, however, leads us back to the 'no cameras/true feelings' argument.

Damn this vicious circle!

That Empty Old Feeling...

Unfortunately, my local hardware store wouldn't sell me any rope once they had heard my suicidal grumblings (following the event that shall not be named--the one with all the worthless, drunk, racists on the East Coast). To that end, I'm still alive and kicking. Actually, I'm alive and eating a Heath bar. At any rate, I'd like to give you an inside look at the fallout of Game 6.

I'm not talking about anything pertaining to the game, just crap that ran through my mind. For example...

--I actually stuck things out with the Lakers and watched the entire game. I have invested a pathetic number of hours into this squad, so the least I could do was give one more hour. I kept the television on right until the moment that they interviewed Kevin Garnett. Whoa. I'm not sure if he has ever been interviewed for national television before, but I doubt that David Stern was happy with either half scream/half MF-laced grunt or the list of shout-outs that followed.

--As I was going to turn off the TV, they of course had to cut to Paul Pierce, with his phony, overly eager face that exudes cockiness. He must be well aware of the fact that he is a tier below an elite player, because he sure tries to make up for it with excessive arrogance.

(For those unfamiliar with Facebook, sorry for the 'inside jargon' that follows)

--Naturally, I'm quite pissed at this point. I flip on the ol' facebook and attempt to come up with a witty 'status.' Unfortunately, anything remotely funny exceeded the maximum number of characters and any attempts to cut it down made me seem like an excuse-making bitch...ironic, since it would pertain to Boston, huh? I can't even remember if I attempted more entries, because about that time, I noticed my friend's status read: 'Boston's up by 30 in 4th...they're gonna do it again!!!...I'm acting like a cock!!!!!' Okay, so I added the last part in, but his was something of similarly douchey ilk. I countered his move by creating a hastily written wall post that viciously attacked his status and the Boston Celtics. Actually it was three posts, because I twice exceeded the maximum number of characters.

--While you are probably expecting me to have some outrageous anecdote to share (something along the lines of me punching an obnoxious red head with the faint smell of alcohol and body odor), I unfortunately have none. Game four was the one that really sent me raging (see: preceding blog post). While I was still upset following game six, I understood the odds stacked against LA. Plus, the game was over at halftime, so I was able to accept things earlier than normal. Having said that, I do have a couple of thoughts looking back on the series--and I promise, no excuses, just observations.

--I'm convinced at this point that the character of Jackie Moon in Semi-Pro is loosely based on Doc Rivers. "I'm a motivator, I'm not an Xs and Os kinda guy!" Who does this sound like? The quote is attributed to Moon, but c'mon. Was there even one clip from a Boston huddle where Rivers said anything that strayed from the "Stay Tough!/Mental Toughness/We're Better/Execute!" formula? I missed about six quarters of action all total, but other than that I can't think of any instance that deviates from what I mentioned.

--During Game One, Marc Jackson pointed out that Doctor J, Bill Russell, and Magic Johnson were all in attendance. He went on to say that he could creat an "all-time lineup" that could "compete with anybody": the three aforementioned greats plus Kobe and Garnett. Um, I saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the crowd as well. Why don't we push KG out of the discussion, move Russell to Power Forward, insert Kareem at Center, and pretend that we didn't actually mention Garnett in the same breath as Kareem, sound cool? Of course it does.

--Sorry Marc Jackson, but the whole "you can be a champion without winning a championship" thing is BS...this isn't pee wee basketball.

Editor's Note:

--My apologies to Tiger Woods; I had made a joke about exaggerating his knee injury before learning that the man was playing on a torn ACL. In other news, Paul Pierce exaggerated the injury to his knee.

--Sorry to Curt Schilling. While I wished him ill will following his classless and thoroughly deep south, intolerant, racist, white trash redneck blog post about Kobe, I never actually though I would jinx his season and possibly his career. My bad.

Curt Schilling is a White Trash Bitch

--I read Curt Schilling's blog about game two of the NBA Finals, and let me just say, what a fucking white trash piece of cunt. I'd live to kick that hill billy right in his fucking greasy vagina, the cock. Why don't you go home, throw on a 'Bush/Cheney 2004' t-shirt and fuck your mama in the ass, you know, the usual celebratory routine. Fucking inbred cocksucking dick. I had fond memories of the 2004 MLB Playoffs, thanks for retroactively tainting them, you cum guzzling, mama fucking, child molesting, sister fingering, poor excuse for Larry Bird animal dick stroker. Eat shit, fuck face. You've become the Red Sox answer to Roger Clemens you humpty-dumpty cunt. Here's to longer stints on the DL, cock juggler.

P.S.
Why don't you talk shit about Barry Bonds again? I hope he beats your ass with your own gerbil tube.

--If I read some fairy-ass garbled out shit from Bill Simmons about game 4 of the Lakers series, well, let's just say I would rather be raped Curt Schilling style (y'know, by wild animals with George Bush masks over their heads) than to read that shit. I don't even know if the predictable anti-Colts football columns could bring me back into his readership. I am pretty sure that the piece of shit is going to wax poetically about the comeback: "Doc Rivers started this year as the coach we loved to hate, now he is becoming our coach. Just listening to him rally the troops really sets the mood in the Sports Guy Mansion."

Here is what any reasonable observer would have to say about this:
"Just watched another finals game, and did Doc Rivers purchase 'Coaching Cliches for Inept Coaches' before the playoffs. How much more 'ra-ra, let's put it to 'em' bull shit can these fucking drunk ginger kids on the East Coast take? I'm sure Bill Simmons will get a woody for it, but I'd love for once if he'd actually point something out on his own team (sorta like, y'know, the inability to call a moving screen on Kevin Garnett). Instead, I guess we'll have to settle for cheap Kobe jokes* and mindless defenses of soft bitches (I don't give a shit if he was stabbed one hundred and eleven times, the motherfucker was at a night club, so I'm sure alcohol was involved and that he was not exactly the innocent bystander you make him out to be)."

*That's right Simmons, I have officially disowned you after your last column. Just because Paul Pierce is a little bitch and just because it isn't out of the realm of possibility that he faked his injury doesn't mean you have to be a fucking cunt and churn out a Kobe sexual assault joke whose creativity is beneath even the sperm living in my nutsack--or on your wife's face, of course, ironically unlike the cock-juggling cunt that accused Bryant of rape, we never know what your wife looks like, but that doesn't stop her from periodically taking anonymous cheap shots at anything and everything whenever ESPN.com decides to let her fill in for you. My guess is she is make-up whore who is just around the corner from Botox...and the type of woman who will send your spawn with you to Starbucks while your gardener does her dirty in your own bedroom.

Lakers/Celtics, thoughts after two games

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?), I have only been able to see roughly three of the first eight quarters of the NBA Finals. Here are some of my thoughts:

--Paul Pierce's knee *injury* and the events following the *injury* can be best described as follows.

(Scene: Celtics Locker Room)
Trainer: Well Paul, I'm trying my damndest, but I don't see any damage whatsoever. I don't even think your knee will bruise. What the fuck were you crying on my shoulder like a little bitch for?

Paul: (loudly sobbing) I don't know, it just hurt so bad!

Trainer: Well, I don't think it was the kne--

Paul: --I tweaked my vagina, okay?!

Trainer: My mistake, um, let's see, how can we work this to our advantage...

Paul: (massaging his vagina) Think, dammit!

Trainer: I know! Since you looked like such a pussy on national television, we'll just slap a brace on your knee and say that you sprained it! Not only will you get undeserved tough guy points, but you will cheaply steal momentum away from the Lakers!

Paul: That sounds great! What do you think boss?

Danny Ainge: (daydreaming, holding a trophy and wearing a medallion that both say "Executive of the Year") What's going on, I wasn't paying attention?

Trainer: We're going to use a fake injury as propaganda.

Danny: Oh, okay. Let me call my buddy real quick to run it by him.

(pulls out cell phone)

Hey Kevin, you there?

Kevin McHale: (dressed in his old Celtics uniform, alone in his T-Wolves office watching two television sets; one with game 1 and the other with a Lakers/Celtics ESPN Classic marathon) Hey Danny boy, what's going on!

Danny: Nothin' much, what are you up to? Looking over some scouting reports for the draft or something of that nature?

Kevin: (quickly fumbles to put his Sudoku away) Uh...yeah...exactly. So what prompts you to call me...I haven't heard from you since last July.

Danny: I don't know if you've been watching the game, but I've got a situation here.

Kevin: Oh, that's right, Paul Pierce's knee.

Danny: No, the knee's fine. We just need to find a way to make the injury seem authentic. Any ideas?

Kevin: You could just doctor the knee up and make it look convincing.

Danny: That's what we were going to do, what would you recommend.

Kevin: Well, I don't know if your trainer carries this particular brand, but I have this great, high-quality knee brace. I have been in charge of it for a few years and haven't taken advantage of its greatness. It has just been wasting away under my control. I suppose I could give it to you so my good ol' buddy could reap its benefits.

Danny: That's great, but you're in fucking Minnesota.

Kevin: Oh, that's right! Well, does your trainer carry KG brand knee braces?

Danny: (holds hand over cell phone, turns to trainer) Do you have any KG braces?

Trainer: I think so.

Danny: He's got them.

Kevin: Good deal, you should be A-OK now.

Danny: Thanks. I hate to chat and run, but I have pretend to watch the second half intently.

Kevin: I understand, good luck!

Danny: So Paul, are you ready to let KG completely support you?

Paul: I've never been more ready for anything in my life...except for how ready I was to tank away last season, in the East, in hopes of riding Greg Oden or Kevin Durant to the top.

Danny: (laughing) God I'm inept!

(all laughing, end scene)

****

I loved the fact that the referees were just letting the teams play in game one...of course, I wish they would have just let them play when the Celtics had the ball, too.

****

I don't care who you are rooting for, whether you are a die hard lunatic for either Boston, LA, or any other team, whenever one team shoots 38 foul shots and the other shoots 10, something fishy is going on. "Lack of aggressiveness" can account for a 10-15 shot discrepancy, but 28?! I'm not saying there was a conscious effort to screw the Lakers, but the game was not called fairly. As Phil Jackson astutely pointed out "When Leon Powe (he mispronounced Powe, my guess, and this is part of his genius, was that it was on purpose) shoots more foul shots in 14 minutes than our entire team does the whole game, something is wrong."

****

I really wish the Lakers could have the luxury of going through growing pains IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS and still be able to advance. You would have to be smoking Bill Simmons' pot if you think that the Nuggets and Jazz would need more than five games to dispatch the Hawks and Cavs respectively.

****

Unfortunately, most of game 2 was spent on the road for me (with the few glimpses of the game I stole being from a live feed of the box score on NBA.com). When I saw the deficit was twenty heading into the fourth quarter, I had a small glimmer of hope. When I was able to make out a '96-78' score with about six minutes to go (off of an AM feed in BFE, no less), I was resigned to the fact that the game was over. When I arrived home to find out that not only did the Lakers lose by six, but a ticky-tack foul prevented them from having the ball and a one-possession game. Naturally, while I am pissed off, I feel more confident about the 0-2 hole than I did after the third quarter.

****

Yes, this is unusual for me to come out swinging mid-series (my fear of karma has prevented me from writing many posts--part of the reason for the layoff), but measures need to be taken. For starters, any karmic shift will only help the Lakers, but secondly, there are some injustices that need to be discussed.

Woods on Hockey

There are definitely some reasons not to like Tiger Woods, but here is one more to like him. While in Detroit to promote this August's PGA Championship (held in one of the city's suburbs), Woods was asked who he thought would win the Stanley Cup:

"Detroit or Pittsburgh," a reporter asked.

Woods chuckled, "I don't really care...I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."

To someone who hates hockey (and hockey's annoying little brother, soccer), this is music to my ears. The best thing about the story was seeing the precious few hockey fans bashing Tiger Woods on the ESPN forums. They dropped the cliches you'd expect to hear (along the lines of Tiger being a golf pussy and questioning the validity of golf as a sport), but the fact of the matter is that one user summed it up best:

"...Tiger is bigger than your entire sport."

Quick Thoughts that Temporarily Hide My Lack of a Solid Post

--Whew! That's all I can say after game one of the Spurs/Lakers series. This was a big win for LA, and I think it will sting San Antonio a little bit, but in no way do I believe that this series is over. Charles Barkley is not far from the truth when he claims that the Spurs are "cockroaches that won't go away."

--I had one of those moments in which I ignored my conscience in favor of a joke. In the midst of a twelve hour shift (following only a couple of hours of sleep), a co-worker asked me how I was holding up. I assured him that I was fine, but that I might have to "limp to the finish." I paused for a moment and said "I guess you could just call me Eight Belles."

"Hey, I wield a lot of power, why not make up for my small penis?"

Welcome to the inaugural edition of "Hey, I wield a lot of power, why not make up for my small penis?"

This entry into "Hey, I wield a lot of power, why not make up for my small penis?" happens to be everyone's favorite delusional senator from Pennsylvania, Mr. Arlen Spector! With a resume featuring hits such as 'whoa, do you guys think they'd buy it if we said that JFK was killed by just one bullet?' Arlen Spector has shown a keen knack for being out of touch with reality. But his insistance on beating the thrice-dead horse that is the Spygate scandal earns him his spot in the "Hey, I wield a lot of power, why not make up for my small penis?" club. Sure, you claimed the NFL hadn't done their job because of the lack of Matt Walsh in their investigation, that's reasonable. But when Walsh revealed himself as a loser who had no new information but hoped to receive two and a half minutes of fame you just had to push on. Everyone and their brother is ready to move on, but thanks to Senator Spector, this story will continue to live on. Thanks for this, Arlen. And thank you for graciously receiving the first ever "Hey, I wield a lot of power, why not make up for my small penis?" award.

The SportsJournalists.com Rant

Note: This post contains foul language as well as hastily slapped together materail. Reader discretion is advised.

To anyone who spends a few moments chatting with me, it becomes painfully obvious that I am a big Hillary Clinton supporter. No question, I feel that of the three, she would be the best choice possible to become our next president. In fact, there are very few people that I would vote for instead of her if given the opportunity to look away from the set candidates.
But, amongst these candidates, I could never vote for John McCain. He is a great man (if anyone talks shit about a war hero, they need to be slapped in the face…hard), but pulling the lever for a supporter of the Iraq War is not an option. As far as Barack Obama goes, well, let’s just say that the polarization of the nomination process that so many Democrats have feared possible has affected at least one voter.

Why, you ask? Maybe I don’t want an inexperienced, condescending (I’m going to, uh, talk slow and—methodical, because I, uh, I want to seem intelligent, but, uh, approachable) president. One who garners a lot of his support from demographics that haven’t voted in high quantities in the past and are stupid enough to be duped into voting now (cough—young people—cough) because of empty promises of “hope” and “change.” Of course, I guess he has promised a troop withdrawal (which I support, but so does Senator Clinton—moot point between the two), so some change is coming, but if I see one more “Change We Can Believe In” sign, I am going to puke.

Besides, am I the only one who finds it hard to believe that the Obama Cult trusts this guy so much? Instead of calling me a racist because I oppose him and find the Reverend Wright issue a tad troubling, pull your blinders off and take a look at what is being presented. Maybe the unending video reel is a tad too much, but shouldn’t the fact that Senator Obama went to church with a pastor who uttered, on the day after 9/11 no less, “…not God Bless America, God Damn America!” bug you a little bit? What about his justbarelytrue “I don’t take money from lobbyists and they won’t run my White House claim?” He has taken their money before, helping his meteoric rise to prominence, and now takes contributions from retired lobbyists who still receive compensation from their former employers. Sorry Barack, you may have success pushing this story on dumbasses, but I’m just not buying it.

At any rate, I have veered far off the topic at hand. My original intention was to showcase the Obama bias on SportsJournalists.com, a site that I enjoy perusing, but one that often sends me into fits of rage. To properly illustrate my point, I would like to post responses to, and my rebuttals of, entries on the thread “When Will Hillary Drop Out?” You may call me cowardly for not replying on the site, but arguments are not fun when it’s twenty against one (literally) and no matter what you say, the Obama zombies follow their fearless leader (Zeig Heil!!).

I'm the a-hole who answered "She's going to win." I don't know when she will drop out. If her delusion that she can still win has reached this far, she'll have to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

…

(Note: the ellipses indicate a response whose ignorance needs no rebuttal)

June 10, the following will be part of Hillary's speech: "The people and the superdelegates have spoken and they want Senator Obama to be the Democratic nominee for president. I respect that decision and hereby withdraw my nomination to be the Democratic nominee for the presidency. However it is still full-steam ahead for the White House as today I am declaring myself an independent candidate for the presidency."

The username of this poster is E. Street Joe. He has been spreading his hate and propaganda for quite some time. I wonder what would be the case if Bruce “I’m good, but nothing compared to my idol Bob Dylan” Springsteen had told his mindless minions to pleasure themselves to Senator Clinton instead of Senator Obama. Damn, am I going to become a Republican after all of this? I just put down The Boss thanks to Obama—somebody smack me if I suddenly prefer listening to country music.

(Note: I would love for Hillary to run as an independent. It would be more delicious if her announcement included: “Barack Obama? Who the fuck is he? Where the fuck was he five years ago? I’m Hillary Fucking Rodham Fucking Clinton. You fuckers are too dumb to nominate me? I’m fucking giving the White House to the Republicans then.” Of course, if E. Street Joe took the time to pull his thumb out of his ass and perform the most basic of Google searches, Hillary has said that she will not drag this past the convention. This is more than reasonable, considering the fact that the superdelegates have the power to make Obama the nominee today, but have yet to do so.)

I'd like to think she'd call it a campaign after the Oregon primary (assuming Obama gets the expected big win), but with all the bridges she's burned, she might as well ride this all the way through.

HEY FUCKWAD! NEITHER OF THEM ARE GOING TO GET THE 2025 DELEGATES NEEDED UNTIL ALL THE SUPERDELEGATES MAKE UP THEIR MIND! ACCORDING TO MANY NATIONAL POLLS, HILLARY IS MORE ELECTABLE THAN OBAMA AGAINST MCCAIN, SHOULD SHE NOT BE ALLOWED TO AT LEAST MAKE A CASE TO THEM?

In the daily dose of thanks for disenfranchising me from politics, Hillary's camp now says if she wins the popular vote, she's the winner. Delegates? Superdelegates? Follow the rules? Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

I’m glad you are disenfranchised from politics you dumb cum stain. People like you shouldn’t vote anyway. How would a popular vote declaration of victory be any different than declaring victory after all of the primaries are over, regardless of the 2025 delegate prerequisite (Obama’s plan)? Oh, and lest we forget that Obama’s crew helped put a stop to a Florida/Michigan revote. I guess his ‘hope’ for ‘change’ only applies to 48 of the 50 states.

(Note: The thread died prematurely, so now I’m searching for other anti-Hillary postings.)

Quote: Don't forget curing cancer. Why not?
Regular folks don't get fancy, elitist diseases like cancer.

This comes from Zeke12, a habitual offender (one who pretends to be impartial in political discussion, but has the ridiculously cheesy quote of “Whether or not Barack Obama goes on to win the nomination ... his field army will endure... And years from now, when they meet..., they'll look at each other and smile, and they won't even have to say the words: We did something amazing back in Iowa, on January 3, 2008, didn't we?" in his signature; I’m pretty sure that noise you heard was Freddie Mercury’s ghost saying ‘man, who’s the fag that wrote that?’). Oh, so first your candidate says something condescending, but the fact that Hillary has the audacity (of hope?) to talk about the “elitist” comments now she is the evil one? And it should be so obvious that you can make a cheap, unoriginal joke about it?

In reference to a potential to an equally preemptive Obama victory declaration:

A smart pre-emptive (sp—nice one, dumbshit) attack before Hilly tries to steal the election on May 31.

Oh, tries to steal the election, huh? This pisses me off SOOOO much when I hear this. Forget the fact that this election is basically a dead heat and that two pro-Hillary states might not have their voices heard (thanks in part to a behind-the-scenes stifling by Team Obama). Barack Obama and his 50.1% mandate are entitled to a no-questions-asked nomination.

She is campaigning in West Virgnia today so that is a sign that, sadly, the ego trip will continue.....

Because, you know, wanting the entire country to have their voices heard really signals to me that Senator Clinton is on an ego trip…

I wouldn't trust Clinton to pick out my wardrobe for today, let alone pick the next Supreme Court justice.

Ooh, a pantsuit joke. How fucking original!

Another post from Zeke12, who follows in his fearless leader’s condescending footsteps:

Experience? If you voted for Bush, you permanently forfeit the right to say this, think this, imply this, allude to this, mention this, use this as an aside, break ties with this, make hay of this, dine out on this, keep counsel with this, feel comforted by this, take this into consideration, weigh the impact of this, take the measure of this, like the cut of the jib of this, whisper about this, make your opinion known on this, trumpet this, break bread with this, ask about this, question this, take stock of this or in any other way proffer any kind of experience argument in any political discussion for the rest of your natural born life, so help me God.

Um…

President Bush’s national experience: his father was president for four years, he was governor of Texas for six (I count being governor as national experience but not state legislator. If you disagree, then I can point out that President Bush was in an executive position in his state, Obama only in a legislative position.)

Barack Obama’s national experience: three and a half years in the Senate.

Hillary Clinton’s national experience: her husband was governor of Arkansas for twelve years and POTUS for eight (and she was not the ‘smile and wave’ type of first lady, but rather, the ‘I’m getting shit done’ type) and she has served in the Senate for seven and a half years.
Did I just defend President Bush? Yeah, there is definitely a rift in the party.

He's (John McCain) a Vietnam war hero. I respect the hell out of that (unless his last name is Kerry).

While John Kerry might not be my cup of tea after his Obama endorsement, shame on anyone who would trash his service record...yes, this was off-topic.

The thing is, no matter what Obama says, all we're going to hear about is the word 'bitter'. And that's because the majority of TV and radio talk-show media and plenty of voters have the attention spans of 3-year-olds. Never mind that what Obama said has some truth to it, or that our economy is the shits, or we're in a war based upon lies, he's calling the voters 'bitter'!

And never mind that we are hearing more about the lies of a shooting in Bosnia than the lies of taking money from lobbyists. Right, twat for brains?

And you know what? For better or worse, that's how the game is played nowadays. And no one candidate, no matter how charismatic or intelligent, is going to change that.

AARRGGH! Calling Obama charismatic has become the equivalent of saying Brett Favre plays football with “childlike enthusiasm.”

Hillary's not bitter? Two words: Bill. Richardson.

I guess having a superdelegate, and the face of New Mexico, renege on his pledge might make someone bitter, yes. But if that sloppy, fat piece of retard fucking shit becomes the VP candidate I…I need a deep breath.

I also find it amusing that a person who made $109 million last year has the stones to call Obama an elitist.

I know! Because Obama is the one millionaire who wouldn’t be elitist, right!?

Last one, I’m tired.

This is also in regards to Obama’s condescending “bitter” comments:

What's condescending is the belief that BO's statement will be widely offensive on the ground -the people in those towns know exactly what's happening and are smarter than anyone gives them credit for. Seeing through bullshit is a special talent. I don't think this will cost him one vote he was ever going to get anyway.
And FWIW, I met BO once a long time ago, when he was at HLS and I had a girlfriend there. I'm a pretty regular guy and as I recall he was as regular as the bottom of my shoes.

Anyone who reads the statement realizes that Obama is right. But he is also right if he says that a mentally handicap person is a fucking retard. Does that mean being right means you are not offensive? Of course not, but Obama’s minions will have you believe so.
Oh, and FWIW, don’t try and go all Peter King on us and act like you and Obama are buddies that go way back. He probably thought you were a fuckwad but did not want to tell you that to your face.

The Fighter

First off, thanks for absolutely nothing North Carolina. Granted, the poll had 15% undecided, but what exactly happened to the 44%/42% statistic in Hillary Clinton's favor? You pieces of shit.

Secondly, it was a nice come from behind win for her in Indiana, especially considering the gross amount of overspending Barack Obama has practiced in his campaign against her. And while that was nice, the Carolina thing has me bummed out. But I got another boost by the Comeback Kid last night.

Upon hearing all the hack, pro-Obama political pundits that populate the news networks (save Fox News...ironically, they have actually been the most fair and balanced throughout the Democratic nomination process--but only because they hate them both) calling for her withdrawal (she was watching on the plane), Hillary rerouted her plans and decided to continue the campaign immediately. Things may not be the brightest right now, but we haven't heard the last of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Not yet anyway.

Can't Even Sniff His Jock

I'm kind of strapped right now on ideas for this blog, but you just knew that I would have something to say about LeBron James' scintillating performance against the Boston Celtics: the series is far from over and he can certainly rebound, but Michael Jordan would have never gone 2/18 in a playoff game. Never.

I've Got Nothing

--I honestly feel saddened about Eight Bells having to be euthanized on-track at Saturday's Kentucky Derby. I hate to incorporate humor into this story, but I found out what happened via ESPN.com, which had the headline "Death Dulls Derby Luster." My line of thinking was as follows: "So Death Dulls won the Derby...oh no!" (At least ESPN.com avoided using their usual cliched headlines, such as "The 'Bells' Toll For Thee.")



--As embarrassing as it is to admit it, I watched the last 30 laps of the redneck race on Saturday night. I don't know anything about NASCAR, but I'm pretty sure Kyle (?) Busch, despite his claim otherwise, intentionally put LIL' E!!! into the wall. Or at least he used LIL' E!!!'s vehicle to stabilize his. Either way, I know what I saw and Busch turned his wheels into LIL' E!!!'s car.



--Eh, I don't really have anything else to say, and I don't want to put a bunch of redundant, even-less-funny-than-usual thoughts ('Boy, those Celtics sure showed the Hawks...that team showed a lot of pride! Celtic Pride?' Ecch, I can only imagine what my mind would spew at 3:30 am).

Random Musings, Vol. 3

--This week's recipient of the 'ASS' stamp: the NBA on TNT staff for the joke they pulled on Chris Webber. Evidently, he's joining Inside the NBA (that was the implication the other night; not so sure 'bout that one, guys), proving that Turner is not familiar with the old saying that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it (of course, maybe they are clearing the way for Kenny Smith to join the Knicks organization in some capacity)." Anyhoo, on his initial broadcast, Webber closed the show by answering five questions asked by Ernie Johnson. The first four queries dealt with specifics about the Inside, but, and this is where the dick-wad factor comes into effect, the final question was "how many timeouts are there in a half of college basketball." Ouch! Webber took it in stride, but that seemed like a risky move on live television.

--I would like to apologize to the entire city of Philadelphia. Not just because they live in Philadelphia, that goes without saying, but because I jinxed the 76ers the other night during Game 4 of their series with the Pistons. As Philly went into the half with a double-digit lead, I couldn't help but think to myself, 'will a 76ers win take away from Cleveland's (blown out of proportion) run towards the Finals last year.'

--Speaking of hose-jobs, what's the deal with the Magic/Raptors series being an NBA TV exclusive (save one ABC game)? If I'm a fan of either team, I'm pissed at the league for using these franchises as an experiment. Experiment? Think about it, if they schedule playoff games on their channel from various series, fans can rationalize missing one contest. But if you are a die-hard whose team is being broadcast exclusively on a premium channel, how can you miss an entire series? This rationale would more than likely lead to an increase of subscriptions and not just the 'let's watch the game and cancel the subscription immediately' maneuver. Am I crazy?

--The Mavericks/Hornets series presents a complex rooting issue for me. I don't really like New Orleans (Chris Paul has Chauncey Billups syndrome: "I'm so good, I'm entitled to (insert accolade here); plus, everyone talks about how intrical he has been to the 'healing process' of New Orleans; correct me if I'm wrong, but unless you walk down the Lower Ninth Ward screaming into a bullhorn "I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS GOT FLOODED!" you're going to look A-OK), but I definitely think Byron Scott got it backdoor style by Jason Kidd in New Jersey, so part of me enjoys this silent display of revenge.

--Pat Riley stepped down as coach today. While I think his recent history has been kind of shady (I'll take this title contender off your hands, Stan; now shoo, SHOO!), he deserves a pass on this latest resignation...unless he coaches another team some time down the road. In that event, his latest act will be nothing more than a case of 'when the going gets tough, Pat Riley gets going.'

Found on Craigslist, Volume 2

Now is the time for another edition of "Found on Craigslist!" You might remember last time, when we discussed the man who decided to sell the Nintendo Wii he loved a bit too much. And while volume two does not feature dried semen, it still finds itself in the ball park. So, without further ado:

"DVD MOVIES

--victory, sahara, exorcist, saturday nightlive the best of mike myers, driven, this is spinal tap, cat woman, charlies angels full throttle, cellular, waynes world, all dvd movies are 5.00 each unless other wise stated
--die another day 2- cd asking 10.00
--few adult dvd movies {black} 10.00"

This particular edition lacks the 'Oh my GOD!' factor of a cum-drenched video game system. But the humor of someone deciding to part ways with his porn collection (or a specific niche within a greater collection) should not be overlooked.

The question that remains asks how I should go about eliciting a humorous response from this vendor. For the bricked-on Wii, I merely sent an inquisitory e-mail that simply said "Semen??" Unfortunately, I never heard from the man and could not post my findings. For volume two, I intend to use more creativity. I implore you, comment on which of the following scenarios you wish to see acted out:

1) I send an e-mail pretending to be a porn-freak asking for raunchy specifics about the adult films in question.

2) I send an e-mail masquerading as some sort of Christian volunteer, requesting that the man either destroy the objectionable material or donate his profits to 'our' charity...only to have a fake webpage set up on the off chance that he follows through on the donation. And there will be no discussion; the charity shall be called 'The Human Fund.'

3) I send an e-mail posing as an irate parent whose child asked what "black adult films" were, threatening a lawsuit unless he types an apology to said child in e-mail form...again sent to an account set up specifically for this prank (perhaps it could be a set address for 'Found on Craigslist?').

4) I take no action.

Naturally, there are other specifics involved, should this become a recurring bit (although 'volume two' is indicative of its common occurrence). If the angry Christian avenue is chosen, I would have to create the webpage for the faux charity. I'll probably opt for a geocities or expage entry, simply entitled FOC.insertwhicheversitehere.com. The e-mail will indicate that The Human Fund follows the "Faith of Christ," with an emphasis on the latter quotation, therefore, the 'Found on Craigslist' acronym for which the site is named will not appear out of place. Once there, an explanation for the gag will be provided, as well as links to reputable charities so as not to make light of the good work performed by these organizations.

As far as I am concerned about the e-mail address, I feel a 'FOC@gmail/hotmail/yahoo.com' will suffice. If the person(s) is gullible enough to investigate a charity that has utilized Craigslist to lecture sinners, I doubt a conspicuous freebie e-mail account will throw him/her off. Naming the imaginary person that will direct traffic to the charity remains. I'll probably use a temporary alias for the first prank, but keep options open for a permanent title down the road. I'm still undecided about using something as obvious as Derrick U. Humphrey (D.U.H.), because the 'duh' initials might seem a bit childish. I'll stick with this for now, but hope to receive feedback to help make the final decision.

As you might have guessed, I have pretty much made an executive decision on the prank. If anybody actually votes and the results are overwhelmingly in favor of one of the other options, I'll consider doing more than one gag with this person. But for now, I really want to give my preference a shot. Worst case, I get a confused e-mail in response (well, actually, worst case would be no response at all). But in the perfect scenario, this guy takes the bait and we score some money for a good cause. I don't think it could get any better than that. So, I'll listen to feedback, but I think I've made up my mind...and no matter what, votes for option 4 will not be counted.

Interactive Smart Ass

Hello invisible readers,

While most of you are figments of my imagination, some of you might be able to answer a question that I have. I am sure most of you are familiar with the Verizon V-Cast phones and their commercials that offer fantasy sports updates via ESPN. My question is this: Did I actually see a grown up Goldberg (from the Mighty Ducks series) during the spot that takes place at an emergency room? Anyone who can substantiate this will get their very own shout-out. Think about that! One person, maybe two, will know the name of (insert here).

...

You can then thank me later for getting you laid.

Two Playoff Ponderings

As I watch the potential coming out party of the Philadelphia 76ers, two thoughts come to mind (and yes, I realize we are in the midst of Game 3 of a 1-1 seven game series):

--I am extremely happy for Mo Cheeks. This guy cemented his "good-guy" status when he went to center court to help a flustered girl make it through the pre-game national anthem. I am glad to see him back with a competitive team that is on the rise.

--At the other end of the spectrum, I feel sorry for the Flip Saunders. He got hosed in Minnesota and he is about to get hosed again by a bunch of prima-donnas who feel like they are entitled to another title based on their 'greatness.' (Even if they end up prevailing against the 76ers, it'll take an act of God--or a Garnett injury--to keep them from losing to Boston in a presumptive series...and even then, I don't know if they are a slam-dunk to win.) One has to wonder, though, will this open the door for a Detroit/Larry Brown reunion? I'm calling it right now!

Random Musings, Vol. 2

--My favorite part of Washington's 36 point victory over: In the midst of the blowout, King James strolled to the foul line to a chorus of "OVERRATED!" chants...and promptly clanked his free throw.

--This thought literally popped into my head, as I just put it together that the Energy Solutions Arena took the sponsor's mantle from Delta Airlines. I might be wrong, but didn't Delta go bankrupt? If so, would that not be the ultimate scenario for any ball club whose stadium naming rights are tied up to a sponsor? Think about it. Team gets paid. Sponsor goes bankrupt. Team finds new sponsor. Team gets paid again.

--I'm calling it here first: If Pac-Man Jones struggles through next year, expect the Cowboys to kidnap Jones, take him to a strip club, and have an undercover agent open fire with a guy containing Pac-Man's fingerprints.

--I hope to God that anyone and everyone reading this has seen the video put together by the Inside the NBA crew, spoofing Kobe Bryant's Aston Martin jump, substituting Kenny Smith as the leaper. Youtube it if you haven't.

--Anyone else remember when Shane Battier had his hair cut a little too short? And he looked like an alien?

--You'll have to be very persuasive to convince me that Mehmet Okur does anything in practice besides jacking up three pointers and putting down Yodels.

--Sadly, these past few ramblings have been of lower quality than usual. Ergo, I'm signing off. One last piece of information to get to: NATHAN DON'T WASTE YOUR VOTE! LISTEN TO ME! Sorry if you are reading this and lost, but the person I'm trying to reach will know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Subconscious Answers Madden 09 Questions

I understand Brett Favre is to be the coverboy for Madden 09. Having learned this, I am inclined to ask one question. Maybe two. Such as...
Will Brett Favre be cursed?
Yes.
Okay, how?
For each of his remaining winters, doctors will discover a tumor on his brain. It will take them an agonizingly long time to make a decision whether or not it is cancerous. Most of the times, the results will be negative, but the process will begin anew every off seas--er--winter. Will he be in uniform on the cover?
He'll probably incorporate his uniform into a lot of things...
Or will it be a camoflauge shirt and Wrangler jeans?
Hmm, now that you say it, that's a toss-up. A quick aside: a Green Bay uniform, Wrangler jeans, and a camo t-shirt are the only articles of clothing he owns.
Will Madden be on the cover with him?
It's his game and he has a man-crush on Favre, take a guess.
In what context?
Something homo-erotic.
Gazing lovingly at Favre from the press box?
Warm.
Standing uncomfortably next to the man while an uneasy smile draws the bulk of attention to his perpetually confused face?
Warmer.
Placing his face in close proximity to his erogenous zone?
Bingo!
How will Peter King fit into all of this? €
Uncomfortably snug.*
Will there be one of those Mad Magazine pull-outs that fold to turn an innocent picture into a shocking one?
Well, a bare-assed Peter King is not exactly what I'd classify as innocent.
Assuming there is, how will it incorporate Madden and King?
Probably performing sexual favors.
Oh, in that case, who gets the front and who gets the back?
Splitsies.
Anything REALLY weird?
You'll see.
Come on, tell me!
No!
Please?
(Sigh) Well, let's just say it involves a hunting rifle, a half-inflated football, and an old-style typewriter...and some cold cuts. What? Patience is a virtue, you'll see soon enough.
Give me a hint!
Well picture cold cuts wrapped around the phallic portion of the typewriter.
Phallic typewriter?
You know, it keeps moving right as you type, it dings when you hit the margin, and you move it back to repeat the process again.
So, how will that work in sexual fav--
BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes! BBRRRINNNG! Yes!
Ew...
Yeah.

Kobe's Performance Against Denver

Kobe Bryant.

Forty-nine points.

Ten assists.

Four rebounds.

MVP.

Random Musings, Vol. 1

--Okay, so if Game 1 of the Celtics/Hawks series resulted in a 104-81 Boston win, and game two once again went the way of the leprechaun, 96-77, what can we surmise? Well, nothing is guaranteed in the playoffs, but you can be damn sure that come game seven, Atlanta will be favored by a point. Just wait until they uncork the ass-kicking they have in store for the C's by the time game ten rolls around.

--I don't hate anyone, but I basketball-hate Linas Kleiza (or should it be a general "sports-hate?"). Why must he decide to have career games against the Los Angeles Lakers? Granted, it has not yet translated into any overall success in the victory department, but I do not enjoy seeing him show off his confusingly deep repertoire.

--A message for any and all university advisors who may be reading this post: JUST TAKE THE DAMN HOLD OFF MY RECORD! I CAN SCHEDULE NEXT YEAR'S CLASSES MYSELF!

Read bracketed text for an extended rant if so desired: [JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOSE A CAREER THAT AMOUNTS TO DECIPHERING ELEMENTARY SCHEDULING CONFLICTS FOR EIGHT A DAY, DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN JERK ME AROUND BECAUSE I DID NOT CREATE A LIST OF DESIRED CLASSES! GIVE ME YOUR INPUT IF YOU WANT, BUT I KNOW THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MY MAJOR AND I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND CHANGE THINGS TO MY LIKING ANYWAY!]

--Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping for a sweep, but I do loves me some Allen Iverson.

--Question: If Sasha Vujacic can pull of the hairnet look while retaining some sense of masculinity, why can't Andre Miller?

--Finally, a belated congratulations to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. A double-digit victory in state where you were outspent over three to one is just the jumpstart you need. Ride this wave all the way to the nomination--and beyond...

Snap, Crakely, and Pop

--I find the whole Cleveland/Washington rivalry cute. You know LeBron thinks he is so cool, probably going as far as Tivoing the coverage of this series (in addition to his regular Tivioing of himself). Maybe he should realize (as should ESPN...get off LeBron's cock, guys) that having a heated and contentious rivalry with the Washington Wizards lowers his stature. Oh well, at least his delusional outlook makes a 4/5 Eastern series watchable.

--Working at my parents' pizza restaurant the other night, I took an order for someone with the last name 'Yackle.' How would you pronounce this? I'm guessing 'Yak-ull,' am I right? The Lady on the phone proceeds to give me her name as "Y-A-C-K-L-E, Yakely." How ridiculous is this? I wanted to tell her that she pronounces her name wrong. I mean, it's not 'Snap, Crakely, and Pop.

--Come Wednesday, Indiana is going to become the hub of political activity in this country over the following two weeks. In fact, the onslaught of ads is becoming more and more pronounced. Just now, I saw a Hillary Clinton ad and a Barack Obama ad back-to-back. As you know, I gave my endorsement (oh, and for the record, I say this tongue-in-cheek because endorsements come from powerful people) to Hillary Clinton. Expect more on this topic in the coming weeks, especially if I join Hoosiers for Hillary in order to do my part to get the right person the Democratic nomination.

--Speaking of politics, one final note: I created a Facebook group called "Barack Obama: Getting By on the Ignorance and Stupidity of the Young". The reasons for the group should be obvious (and they are listed in the details), but let's just say it is a testament to the fact that it should take more than just handing out concert tickets to become an attractive candidate for the office of president. One quick note, though. This group is founded on the belief that Hillary Clinton is the better candidate to become POTUS. It has nothing to do with gender or race, ergo racists need NOT join!

More Concert Ramblings

Notes from the Concert:

--Conspicuously absent from the set list: "For the Longest Time," "Tell Her About It," and, the ultimate guilty pleasure song, "Uptown Girl."

--While describing a pending song, Joel humorously noted "this next song doesn't mean a damn thing...but the kids I wrote it for all passed their history exams." I hope you guessed what song he refers to, but just in case, he was talking about "We Didn't Start the Fire."

--Immediately following the final note of "Don't Go Changing," Joel paused briefly and wryly snapped "...and then we got divorced." A humorous note on his history with the subject of this song.

--While prepping the audience for the next song, a tune which he implied was sub-par, Joel mentioned getting bomb-sniffing dogs, because "they would smell this song and go 'whoo! Don't put that one out, Billy."

--At the outset of the concert, Billy apologized to the half of the arena he had his back to on the arena, but noted that "it could be worse, you could be seated in front of my face. Seriously though, you must be thinking 'is this Billy's dad? Is the real Billy home...brushing his hair?" A funny nod to his bald look.

--An edgier bald joke: "I may have less hair now, but it only means that I'm getting more head."

--Pointing out the far end of the arena: "I want to thank all the audience members over their in Toledo for coming out tonight. I really do appreciate you occupying even the cheapest of seats, because...well...I, uh...I need the money."

The Piano Man in Concert

While I paid for it this morning, I thoroughly enjoyed watching Billy Joel in concert last night. Going in, I really was unsure of what to expect. My prior experience with Joel has been the lone greatest hits (although it is an all-encompassing, dual disc) album loaded up on my iPod. Fully aware of the fact that the man is a hit factory, I did not know what type of show he would put on. Would he phone it in? Or would he give it his all?

Let's just say, he brought his 'A' game.

It takes more than just hit records to transcend your profession. Billy Joel transcends pop music. He has the deep arsenal of inescapable tunes, but more than that, he entertains at every turn. It seems painfully obvious that the man would love to reach deeper into his catalogue and pull out the occasional diamond in the rough, but he respects the fact that his audience paid to hear "Piano Man," not "The River of Dreams."

To that end, Billy Joel ensures that 90% of his set list includes well-known songs. The Bob Dylan "screw it, I'll play what I want" mentality is not in effect here. And when Joel does decide to pull something obscure out of his repertoire, he delights the audience with his self-deprecating (and surprisingly abundant) wit. "Please don't go to the bathroom during this next song," he implored, acknowledging the unfamiliarity with the tune, "...I'll let you know when I pick a song that you should go pee during." Upon announcing the song and the album it hails from, a smattering of applause creeps through the arena. Joel looks ready to to rip through the song, but recognizes the minor recognition and quips "yeah, that's about how many people bought that record."

And his candor seems genuine. I am not that big of an idiot--I'm sure Joel, like most entertainers of his stature, has an ego. But he also seems down-to-earth enough not to. By admitting that his catalogue is far from perfect, Joel appears, well, human. Missing from this legend: The prima donna persona; the kind of musician who believes that even the slightest grunt from his mouth is cutting edge, provided it is put on record.

From a psychological standpoint, lowering his audiences expectations for the song allows a "hey, this is pretty good" vibe to waft around the arena. I guess after thirty years, the man has learned a trick or two. He concludes the song and thanks the audience for their patience. Back to the classics.

The remainder of the evening is a veritable hit parade. Even the lowlight of the show was still entertaining (a roadie joined the band on stage to sing "Highway to Hell," sounding frighteningly similar to AC/DC--does that say more about the roadie or AC/DC?). When it was all over, everyone in the stands knew what the encore had in store. Noticeably absent from the show so far: Joel's signature song, "Piano Man." Despite the predictability, nothing else in the show compared to seeing the entertainer pick up his strap-on harmonica.

And then it was all over. And a five hour trip, with another hour and a half drive staring me in the face just hours later, stood between Columbus, Ohio and home. While these extended drives are never enjoyable, this particular excursion was saved (and proved to be a testament to Joel's legacy) by the inescapable melodies floating around the minds of all the passengers. Things may have reverted back to the daily grind today, but, while the fatigue will pass in time, the memory of this evening will stick around for years to come.

The Definition of Irony

Rural folk have an insatiable appetite for trucks which seem to get bigger and bigger, yet the back roads they choose to drive them on could not possibly be any narrower.

Yes, if you are wondering, I almost found myself on the business end of wayward Chevy.

And by Chevy, I mean the automobile manufacturer, not the washed up, arrogant comic.

Playoff Fever, Catch It!

NBA Playoff Prediction Run-Down

Varsity Conference

1) Los Angeles Lakers v.
8) Denver Nuggets

To begin with, the Lakers have had the Nuggets number all year long (sweeping the season series 3-0). Presently, the Nuggets have played solid ball, but the Lakers are entering the playoffs red hot. Inexperience may hurt the Lakers down the line (but they still have Kobe and Phil, always remember that), but as paranoid as I can get sometimes with my teams, I really cannot see the Lakers doing anything but cruising to the second round.

Lakers in Five Games

4) Utah Jazz v.
5) Houston Rockets

Reason must be kept at bay when trying to predict this series as so many confusing variables have been thrown in the mix: Utah is the best home team in the league...but they don't get home-court advantage, because although they have a lower seed, it was earned based on their division standings; in actuality, Houston has the better regular season record. But Houston has been the worst good team over the past few years; Tracy McGrady could not get past Utah last year with Yao in tow, but I don't remember Utah sucking this badly on the road. Still, I trust Utah to win at least one road game. Can Utah hold serve on their home court? I think they can.

Jazz in Seven Games

3) San Antonio Spurs v.
6) Phoenix Suns

This series became a lot harder to pick this past Sunday. It was then that the Phoenix anally raped the San Antonio Spurs on national television. Phoenix will look to avenge the perceived slight of last year's playoff exit against a Spurs team that simply does not look up to snuff (although they toyed with Utah last night to close out the regular season, showing that they are not dead yet). The deciding factor in this series: Will the acquisition of Shaq finally help the Suns slow Tim Duncan down? The answer will determine the winner. But given the fact that Phoenix is playing better basketball right now, they have a chip on their shoulder, and the Spurs look a little worn and tired, I'm going to say:

Suns in Six Games

But we are one Shaq injury away from:

Spurs in Six Games

2) New Orleans Hornets v.
7) Dallas Mavericks

New Orleans has been a great story this season, but for whatever reason, I just do not get the vibe that this team can make a lot of noise in the playoffs. I assumed that they would get past the first round, but coming in against a rejuvenated Dallas team (featuring Dirk Nowitzki returning to MVP form), I am not so sure. Right now, the Mavericks are playing with house money: No one expects anything from them, so they can play loose and confident. New Orleans had better not slip up in one of the first two home games, otherwise they will not be lucky enough to see a game seven.

Mavericks in Six

Junior Varsity Conference

1) Boston Celtics v.
8) Atlanta Hawks

When I first saw this seeding, I initially thought "Atlanta is going to win a game in Boston." Then I thought "you're a dumbass." Without sounding too cliched, Boston's big three will be too focused to let Atlanta find a pulse. The Hawks might win game three or four, but it would take a monster performance by all involved and I just do not see it happening.

Celtics in Four

4) Cleveland Cavaliers v.
5) Washington Wizards

Charles Barkley recently called the Wizards "the stupidest team in the NBA" for continually taunting LeBron and his Cavaliers. I applaud them. They took this team to the limit two years ago and this year's Cleveland squad is a lot more like that team than the smoke-and-mirrors group from last season. In fact, I argue that the Wizards will be better than they were in 2005-06, due to the emergence of Caron Butler and the fact that Gilbert Arenas will not be at 100%. No, you did not read that last part incorrectly, I just feel that with Arenas not fully healed, he will pick and choose his spots to take over, rather than being the one-man show as per usual when he is healthy. This Wizards team has overachieved all season long, but I do not look for that to stop against the Cavaliers. Besides, it just looks like karma caught up with Cleveland this season.

Wizards in Seven

3) Orlando Magic v.
6) Toronto Raptors

I really think Orlando will be a sleeper team in the East. I doubt they will dominate any series in which they are involved, due mainly to lapses in attention. In this series particularly, Chris Bosh will help the Raptors steal a couple of games, but look for Orlando to move on in convincing fashion.

Magic in Six

2) Detroit Pistons v.
7) Philadelphia 76ers

If you are affiliated with the 76ers in any way, shape, or form, you have got to feel shafted by the events that unfolded in last week's game against Cleveland. You had the game in hand against the NBA's poster child, but a retroactive foul resulted in go-ahead free throws for Cleveland, ultimately locking you into the seven spot, facing Detroit rather than Orlando. Hosings aside, this team looks like it has a bit of destiny in its corner...but destiny will only be good for a game or two against the Pistons. That is, barring the inevitable melt-down from Rasheed Wallace, but even that will probably wait for Boston. Or possibly Orlando.

Detroit in Six

Coming soon: Second Round Predictions!

Tiger's Knee is Fine

You heard it hear first: Tiger Woods didn't have surgery! It was a fabricated story from the minds of Andy North and Scott Van Pelt to explain why he did not win the Masters this year. After all, Augusta National is "so hilly," so not even God Himself could win at the course with a knee problem. Surely it had nothing to do with the fact that Woods could not make a putt to save his life.

Don't Do It, Brett

Okay, Mr. Favre. I have, admittedly, never been much of a fan. But if you want to avoid the Asshole Lifetime Achievement Award, you had better keep your mouth shut and stay away. By now, it is pretty well known that you have admitted (no doubt with an "aw shucks" preface) that a scenario involving an Aaron Rodgers injury would at least pique your interest towards coming back.

First, you have somehow managed to pile on to the enormous amount of pressure that Aaron Rodgers no doubt faces this coming season. Your "I'm retired for good!" stance now has a crack in it. It is a small, "hypothetical" crack, but a crack nonetheless. Now, every errant throw by Rogers will have Green Bay fans clamoring for their gunslinger with the childlike enthusiasm to come back.*

Secondly, building upon the expectations of Rodgers, what if your replacement struggles? He fails to play well in a couple of early losses and no doubt will all the focus be placed on whether or not you come to 'save the day.' And what if you come back and play successfully? Now what happens? Another tearful press conference (with a depressed Peter King throwing back shots of espresso while masturbating to your stubble)? Or will you hold the team hostage again, pondering whether or not another Super Bowl run is worth the damage to your body. I mean, how profitable can you be to Wrangler Jeans without suiting it up every week?

The bottomline, Mr. Favre, is that you should stay retired. You had your chance to come back, but once you said goodbye, you passed the torch over to Aaron Rodgers. Taking it back would be the least classy thing you could possibly do. And returning to another team is out of the question. You were the quarterback of a team with one of the most fanatical fanbases around, how could you consider putting another team's logo on your helmet for one more season under the spotlight. Stay in Mississippi and let Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers move on.



*Do I owe ESPN (namely Mark Schlereth) money for dropping these cliches?

Lest We Forget...

It's back to the pointless little posts for a while, as I am writing for four different sites and trying to get through some of the work provided by my classes over the next two weeks. That being said, I heard something on Rome is Burning that compelled me to write this post. Sigh, I hate myself for writing this...but...okay.

The point of contention I have came from a comment during The Forum section of the show, in regards to Carmello Anthony and his DUI arrest. One of the talking heads on the show began to berate Anthony (who deserves a bit of what's coming to him, but he shouldn't be completley villified), implying that he can never truly be a super star because, as he put it, "Magic, MJ, Bird, these guys never got into trouble like this." (The last part might have been paraphrased as I'm going off memory alone, but he did compare Anthony to the three players mentioned.)

At this point, I am hating myself for writing this, but it merits mentioning: Didn't Magic Johnson become HIV Positive thanks to some off-court exploits. I am not trying to throw dirt on Magic, but when Carmello faces questions of his commitment to basketball based on one immature mistake, you probably should not compare him poorly to someone forced to retire prematurely based on a series of mistakes.

Oh, and lest we forget Michael Jordan's gambling problems. The consequences of this addiction range from the obvious--he lost a lot of money, to the sensational hoax--unpaid gambling debts resulted in his father's murder. With the intriguing possibility of a secret, eighteen month suspension from the NBA (hence, the foray into baseball), in between.

Now, I do not want to come across like I condone Anthony's actions. Trust me, very few things have the ability to exceed the stupidity of drunk driving. And his stick-and-move routine at Madison Square Garden last season does nothing to enhance his resume. But to isolate Anthony, simply because he is an easy target, seems unfair.

An Endorsement from Smart Ass Sports & Entertainment

It is official, I’m voting for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Certainly in the Indiana primary, but hopefully in the national election as well. I had been leaning toward the former first lady over the past couple of weeks, but a recent article I received in regards to Senator Obama has put me completely into Hillary’s camp.

The piece, written by a former nurse (Jill Stanek) working in Illinois during Obama’s tenure in the state senate, is admittedly one-sided. That being said, when you ignore the typical sarcastic adjectives of this biased article, plenty of scathing material remains.

It begins in February of 2004 with Obama’s wife, Michelle, discussing her fundraising invitations that describe a $150-a-plate luncheon that would raise awareness on “right-wing” tactics employed in an attempt to stop partial-birth abortion. Stanek summarized its contents, noting, among other things, that “Mrs. Obama referred to this form of abortion as “a legitimate medical procedure” and asked supporters to attend the aforementioned luncheon for her husband, who would fight “cynical ploys” to stop it.”

Now, you probably have heard the term ‘partial-birth abortion’ thrown around, but you may not actually be aware of what the procedure entails. I will provide a description here, but I warn you; if you are easily sickened, even by written details, skip to the next paragraph. Partial-birth abortion is an operation that takes almost-born babies (well into their third trimester), rips the back of their neck open with a pair of scissors, sucks their brain out, and crushes their skulls.

As terrible as this seems, partial-birth abortion is not the actual subject of Stanek’s article. She implores registered voters to pass on Barack Obama because of his ignorant neglect of a prominent problem in Illinois hospitals during his tenure in the state legislature: infanticide.

Yes, you see Ms. Stanek was a nurse in one of these hospitals at this time, and she made a very unpleasant discovery. Children were being born, full-term, mind you, and neglectfully shelved to die in spare utility rooms. Legislation passed unanimously at a federal level to put an end to this type of abortion, but evidently, Senator Obama did not receive the memo.

At the state level, in Illinois at least, the legislation was stopped in its tracks. Stanek points out that it was Obama’s presence and priorities that prevented it from being passed. In fact, as an interesting side note, it should be made known that it was finally put into action in 2005…just months after Obama was elected to national office.

Moving back to the time in state office, Stanek reveals that after the first refusal to pass the common sense legislation, Obama chaired a committee that tended to the very issue. While serving on this group, Obama stifled any dissent, going as far as ending a meeting prematurely to avoid discussing a pro-life issue with a family who had traveled over three hours to testify before the committee.

Evidently, Senator Obama was not bothered by any of this. Neither was he bothered by the fact that similar legislation gives more rights to livestock than to the full-term babies of Illinois. Nor was he bothered at the reality that these babies feel excruciating pain in both partial-birth and full-term abortion. No, the only thing he was actually bothered by was the fact that Alan Keyes used this story as the basis for his reason as to why Jesus Christ would never vote for Barack Obama.

Now, I consider myself a part of the pro-life movement. I am also a realist. I understand that as important as the pro-life debate is, issues as pressing as the Iraq War should often take precedence. I also am aware that completely banning abortion would cause another set of serious problems (women dying in back alleys trying to perform abortions with coat hangers, for example). However, I would have to agree with Mr. Keyes in his summation of Senator Obama. I’m not a fan making bold proclamations on Christ’s behalf, but I see the reasoning here. The last thing we need is a president as cavalier on such an important issue as Barack Obama. We need a president who is willing to recognize all of these problems and proceed accordingly. We need Hillary Clinton.

John McCain may be stronger on pro-life issues, but he is out to lunch on Iraq. His rationale: The Iraq Surge has worked well enough that we should continue to mire ourselves in a quagmire. Barack Obama is strong on the Iraq War (immediate withdrawal), but, obviously, frighteningly out of touch with the importance of the pro-life debate. Hillary Clinton is the most well-balanced candidate of the bunch, and the best choice for president that we have had since her husband left office. She has the heart of a liberal and the values of a conservative. Senator Clinton may be painted as a cold, evil woman by the media, but that’s just because they have decided that they want Senator Obama to win. How so? Clinton is a superior, yet less flashy version of Obama. Don’t be fooled by a smooth exterior, just look at the facts.

So with this in mind, I implore everyone to make the right choice this spring and do it again come November. America is at a crossroads. Do we want someone who will continue to trample our nation’s relations with other countries? Do we want someone with only four years of experience in dealing with issues at the national level?

I know that I don’t.

I want Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and you should too. Help her make the next step in this process on May 6th; it is simply the right thing to do.

To read Jill Stanek’s article on Barack Obama, follow the provided link:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=51121

My Shameless Attempt to Garner Search Engine Results

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